Courtney Stodden Says She Has A Sex Tape Now.
Of Course.

May 17th, 2013 // 55 Comments
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For reasons that I’m sure have nothing to do with a former Teen Mom star squirting all over James Deen being a popular topic for roughly 7-10 days, Courtney Stodden now says she made a sex tape. Only it’s apparently just of her masturbating and on VHS because she’s 47 and knows what VHS is. E! News reports:

The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is “not out in the media” nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.
“Hackers, don’t even go there cause you’ll find nothing,” Doug Hutchison’s wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what’s on the tape, it’s “just me,” she claims, adding that it wasn’t shot too long ago. “I turned 18 in August, so you do the math.”

Ha! Nice try, Courtney Stodden, but it’s going to take a lot more than pretending to have a sex tape to make the Internet start writing about you agai– Goddammit.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN

Did Olivia Wilde Get Implants? And Other News

May 17th, 2013 // 19 Comments

- Jennifer Lopez wants to marry Casper Smart now. This should end well. [Lainey Gossip]

- Never mind, GOOP totally loves punk now and the MET Gala. Anna Wintour can release her children now. [Dlisted]

- No Bras Allowed [theCHIVE]

- Demi Lovato wants to get pregnant now, so yes, she’s completely given up. [tooFab]

- Welcome to my sudden concern for the new Arrested Development episodes. [BuzzFeed]

- Natasha Banghard in lingerie, anyone? [Popoholic]

- Nobody wants to be on Kris Jenner‘s talk show. [IDLYITW]

- Rosie Jones > Katy Perry [Hollywood Tuna]

- Cindy Crawford still looks fucking incredible. [Celebslam]

- Oh, hey, Candice Swanepoel‘s nipple. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Lindsay Lohan will be heavier when she gets out of rehab which shouldn’t at all send her running right back to Adderall. I see this working out. [Amy Grindhouse]

- Pacific Rim will give you a “70-minute orgasm,” says Guillermo Del Toro. (In his defense, what things involving the Pacific and the world “rim” already don’t, amirite?) [FilmDrunk]

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Photos: Getty, Splash News

Alice Eve’s Space-Boobs: A Review of ‘Star Trek Into Alice Eve’s Space-Boobs’

May 16th, 2013 // 40 Comments

Short Version: This is exactly all you see of this. Enjoy the $8 I just saved you. Fin.

It seems like only 11 days ago I wrote a review of Iron Man 3 because I did, so shut up and let my hatred of going out in public talk for a minute. Here’s a little movie etiquette: If you walk into a completely empty, giant stadium seating theater where there are literally only four people in it, DO NOT SIT DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF SOMEONE, GALLON OF POWERADE AND YOUR TEXTING DOUCHECANOE BUDDY. Also, don’t get up and eventually go to the very last row to talk the whole fucking time about, “Whoa, look how awesome all that space is.” This is why I’m okay with terrorism.

Now where was I? Oh, right, Lens Flare II: The Wrath of Lens Flare. Shall we?

‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Review After The Jump

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 5.16.13

May 16th, 2013 // 375 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you slightly early so Fish and I can duck out to see Star Trek Into Darkness, which may or may not result in a review depending on how severely we slapfight over manly stuff like editing and dialogue. But that doesn’t mean I slacked on your TCWM. There’s Jason Collins‘ twin brother, who’s apparently had to beat off gay dudes left and right, wait, Jonah Hill spotting a produce truck, The Pope fondling a bird, and Sacha Baron Cohen finally inspired for his newest character, Juan Carlos, a narcoleptic Mexican gardener, who through various cross-cultural mishaps will be unable to keep his penis from constantly flopping out of his shorts. It’s going to be hilarious, bro!

See? I took care of you guys, *glues Spock ears to crotch, Vulcan salutes mirror*,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Kanye West Is Still Bitching About The Paparazzi Making Him Hit His Head On A Pole

May 16th, 2013 // 28 Comments
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For someone who decided/got tricked into/had his sperm robbed in his sleep which resulted in having a baby with Kim Kardashian of all people, you’d just assume Kanye West would’ve made peace by now with the fact that the paparazzi are going to be called every time he takes a shit. Instead he bitched all night during his Secret Show performance about how they’re meany-heads who made him get a boo-boo. Via Huffington Post:

“Someone asked me, ‘When you do ‘SNL,’ are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and humanize yourself?’” West said on Wednesday. “What the f–k do I have to apologize for? When did I become inhuman? Or was it them demonizing me and harassing me that made me less than human?
“Motherf–kers chasing people down and making you run into sh-t, and all they want you to do is laugh and sh-t,” West said before yelling, “Hell no I ain’t doing no ‘SNL’ skits, this is my goddamn life, and it’s not a f–king joke.”

And to prove how human and non-demonic Kanye is, he’ll drop your baby if you make him kiss it. Wait, what?

He also informed the crowd the he isn’t into kissing babies. “I drop your baby and then you sue me,” he forecasted of future baby handoffs.

Let me make sure I have this straight: Kanye knocked up Kim Kardashian then fled the country, looked like he wanted someone, anyone to walk up and shoot him once she made him come back and be seen with her in public, only let her contact him through e-mail, is probably cheating on her with a man and now says if you hand him a baby, he’ll fucking drop it. Jesus. At this point, shoving her down the stairs would’ve been more subtle. Graceful even.

Anyone Want To See Heidi Klum’s Nipples?

May 16th, 2013 // 16 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

Originally, these Heidi Klum shots were going to be just one pic in today’s The Crap We Missed until I showed them to Fish. After he finished smacking my head with a rolled up newspaper and screaming, “Place multiple angles upon the Internet and either reference Adult Swim or call Kim Kardashian a whore,” I decided to write this post. So, here’s Heidi at some event that Kim Kardashian’s probably not allowed to attend because of how much penis she loves or how she just “doesn’t get” Space Ghost.

[Ed. Note - Wow, we actually have a tag for 'Nipples.' I'm suddenly glad all my grandparents are dead.]

Photo: Getty, Splash News