When you’re the Planetary Prince-Regent of Adamanthium 7, you get only the finest quimmelwidgets to galactic shazzlebang your norfbong. It’s practically your birthright. Which is why the rumors are true that Tom Cruise has chosen fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon to be the new slave-bride he makes people believe he has heterosexual relations with under the cover of darkness. Page Six reports:
P.R. reps for the two denied any romance in November after the actors were spotted enjoying a cozy dinner at the Manor Hotel in Los Angeles.
However, my source on the Left Coast says Cruise and Prepon are still seeing each other, but they are being extremely careful to keep it secret. “It’s the buzz on the set of her show,” the insider told me.
When asked how many weeks he’d keep this one locked in the engine room of a slave ship, Tom Cruise laughed then asked, “Why? Did she get out?” while secretly wondering if he forgot to check the padlock. Later, his guards would seal all the exits, and it’d be 18 weeks until any of us saw our families again. But we weren’t the same people they remembered. And probably never would be again…
Here’s Day 2 of Heidi Klum‘s topless vacation with 27-year-old Vito Schnabel who at one point was banging Demi Moore, but presumably saw Boba Fett crawl out of her stomach and called it a day. As for what that has to do with the price of flapjacks in Germany, who understands half of these posts, amirite? High five!
Poor little lad in his velvet coat. So innocent, so naive.
Just some background, in 1997, director Bryan Singer was accused, but unsuccessfully sued, by two 14-year-old extras of being filmed naked during a shower scene in Apt Pupil that was more for Bryan Singer than the movie, if you know what I mean. Which is why this latest lawsuit probably shouldn’t come as a surprise even though it’s perfectly timed a month before the release of X-Men: Days of Future Past and a few days before Easter when not a damn thing is going on. Not that that makes it suspect. I’m merely pointing out how well-played it is and even agreeing that it seems completely plausible because Corey Feldman told us this exact thing was happening, but we all just assumed he meant Michael Jackson because there was no way he wasn’t talking about Michael Jackson. The Wrap reports: More »
- Katy Perry is banging some dude named Duplo? Diplo? [Lainey Gossip]
- Lindsay Lohan‘s reality show won’t get a second season because it stars Lindsay Lohan. [Dlisted]
- The Newly Single Chivettes Have Come Out To Play [theCHIVE]
- Olivia Wilde is nude and all is right with the world. [Fishwrapper]
- Seth Rogen smacks down Nancy Grace. [The Daily Banter]
- The Kardashians are officially an epidemic. [The Frisky]
- More like Elisandra Tomachesty. … I’ll go turn in my keyboard now. [Popoholic]
- Samuel L. Jackson wants you to check your motherfucking dick for motherfucking cancer. [Starpulse]
- Tori Spelling turned her husband’s affair into a reality show. Of course. [tooFab]
- There is… another… Mila Kunis… [IDLYITW]
- What’s up, Georgia May Jagger? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Pink in a bikini, anyone? [Celebslam]
- Val Kilmer‘s spirit animal is David Schwimmer? Sure, why not? [FilmDrunk]
- Paulina Gretzky just made me interested in golf. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Yep, that’s a Real Housewife as a lead pic. Welcome to the sharp decline of a holiday week.
It’s Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed and you’re going to notice a general desperation in my selection of photos for this gallery as a result of the dried up content of Easter week. Normally, Pete Wentz with the word ‘HOMIES’ written across his dick, or Dave “I Skip Leg Days” Chappelle might be left out, but you know what? Who am I kidding? I will cram anything into this shit for cheap pageviews and you will never ask me why the 2-Liters are only to go ever again, you hear me?!!
Post Traumatic Food Service Disorder is a real thing you guys, I have the grease splatter burns to prove it,
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Here’s Hilary Duff continuing her trend of looking hot as shit which was all just a ploy to get back together with the boring husband she left instead of finding a new, way less rich one who blogs about naked boobs all day. You’ll barely even know I’m there. Sexually and emotionally, I’m like a ninja.
Alec Baldwin is mostly known for his one-man war against the cocksucking Illuminati more than anything else these days which has his 30 Rock co-star Tracy Morgan concerned and/or mainly enjoying the chance to go, “Oh, shit, and you were telling me how to live my life?” Via The New York Times:
Alec Baldwin, your former “30 Rock” co-star, has gotten into some hot water in recent months. He was concerned about the structure of my life, and now I’m concerned about the structure of his life. He’s getting fired from TV shows. He had about six fights since we left “30 Rock,” you know. I’m worried about him. I mellowed out, my daughter mellowed me out, and I don’t get mad at anyone.
Do you have any advice for him? Chill out, raise your family and enjoy your wife and your daughter. The paparazzi do what they do, man. They have a job, too.
When reached for comment, Alec Baldwin dictated a 13,000 word essay in which he used the words “cocksucking crackhead from Niggertown” who’s in “need of a lashing” before referencing his years of work with the NAACP and that time he met a tranny in Hawaii, so everything he just said is on the level and how dare you insinuate he’s not the Christ-child of the liberal cause? He’ll rip your faggot head off.
Photos: Getty/ Pacific Coast News