If you’ve been getting sick of seeing Ice Bucket Challenges all week, apparently so has 50 Cent because he just decided to change the whole thing into daring Floyd Mayweather to read. Via Instagram:
Floyd will you except my ALS/ESL CHALLENGE: I will donate $750k to a charity of your choice, If you can read a full page out of a Harry Potter book out loud without starting and stopping or fucking up. lmao
And the video is even better because 50 Cent literally throws a bucket off his porch while yelling, “Fuck the ice!” which shouldn’t be funny because ALS really is a serious disease and people are only trying to help, and yet you’re all gonna laugh. Don’t pretend you didn’t. Even Lou Gehrig’s ghost went, “This nigga’s hilarious!”
50 Cent’s Ice Bucket Challenge After The Jump
When Jessie Nizewitz agreed to appear on VH1′s Dating Naked, she was under the impression that producers would blur everything out even though everyone would be filming buck-ass naked, so surely you’re going to accidentally see some butthole. Or in Jessie’s case, some butthole AND vagina (NSFW) which apparently cost her the love of her life and left her no choice but to sue VH1 for $10 million. New York Post reports:
Jessie Nizewitz, 28, says she was repeatedly promised by the producers that her private parts would be “blurred out” during the show’s third episode in May.
So she stripped down to her birthday suit with wet beach sand covering parts of her body and performed a WWE-style wrestling move on her date while the producers egged her on, according to the $10 million suit filed in Manhattan by her high- powered lawyer, Matthew Blit.
“I felt lied to, manipulated and used. I was horrified,” Nizewitz told The Post, explaining that she was brought to tears.
After the episode aired, Jessie started receiving texts and messages from friends and family who let her know her vagina was on TV and not to let it get all Hollywood on her. But, first, a brief aside about how she used to work with a convicted pedophile which is literally what the Post chose to write next: More »
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed that starts with butt and ends with classic butt and has nothing to do with Nicki Minaj which, after yesterday, is astonishing because I could have sworn she absorbed them all. Even today, when I close my eyes, I only see those weird sun spot lights, but in the shape of two hippos sharing dental floss. Anyway, none of that has anything to do with Sean Connery and I bring that up because I inadvertently found the greatest anecdote about his life while googling his wife’s name. It’s from 2013, you can read it here, then come back and we’ll discuss how this somehow didn’t make national headlines complete with a hero’s parade and Medal of Honor ceremony.
Get Sarah Palin on the phone, I’m ready to support Obama’s impeachment now,
- Photo Boy
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And just as soon as it began, Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron‘s relationship is already over, so assume the whole thing went exactly like this: “Oh. Sniff. Hey. Sniff. Oh. You like coke? Sniff. Yeah. Cool. Sniff. Oh, shit, we’re fucking? Uh uh uh. Sniff. Yeah! Sniff. Backflips, yeah, backflips! Let’s do ‘em! WHOO! Sniff. Fuck. I gotta get back – sniff – and movie. Sniff. Hey, weren’t you that chick in Lost? Sniff. Hey. Alright. Sniff. Shit. Bye.”
(That literally works with either one of them saying it. I know. That’s the beauty of it.)
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When Heaven Is For Real came out, I made the mistake of responding to my mother’s interest in seeing it by pointing out how demonstrably full of shit and pandering it is instead of staring at her blankly and waiting for the words to stop. I know better. She then responded with the profound statement of, “Hollywood’s not just going to start making Christian movies for the money,” because naturally Hollywood’s in the Satan business, and it isn’t going to betray its Dark Master just to make buckets upon buckets of easy money from group ticket sales to churches. You can’t even buy hookers and coke with that. It’s imbued with special God magic that bursts into flames if your intentions aren’t pure. Anyway, now that I’ve shown you the axe I’m about to grind, here’s Kirk Cameron promoting his new movie Mercy Rule which is always a special time for me thanks to the abundance of low hanging Jesus-fruit. FOX News reports because of course:
But how did an 18-year-old actor find God on the set of “Growing Pains” at the height of his success?
“I think eventually if people are thoughtful you start asking grown up questions like, ‘How did the world get started? Where did we come from? Where are we going? Why are we here?’ and I guess when I, as a child, I just sort of had blind faith in the fairytale that they way we got here was from goo to the zoo to you,” he told FOX411. “I finally said that doesn’t sound right and someone took me to church and kind of opened my eyes to what I believe is the truth about who we are and why we’re here.”
“Sure, a scientific method that’s constantly evaluating data for accuracy sounds good on paper. But I wanted something more concrete than the closest thing to facts you can get in this world. Which is why as soon as I heard about two naked people being dropped into a magic garden with a talking snake, I knew I had found the answer. No more fairy tales for this guy. Except for my fictional movies starring fictional characters responding to fictional events. Those are because my wife and I can never find anything good on.” More »
With the exception of Katy Perry, and probably a few others I’m too lazy to Google, most celebrities recognize this is for charity and have been keeping their Ice Bucket Challenges relatively tame which is probably why I hate them so much. Except here’s Gwyneth Paltrow doing hers in a bikini because she has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper, you guys. What is she supposed to do? Wear pants? On top of that, she nominated Chris Martin because their conscious uncoupling is such a super friendly and chill separation unlike, eww, divorce, that she’s totally at peace with him nailing Jennifer Lawrence in a vineyard as we speak. And she’ll be even more at peace as soon he dumps a bucket of ice water on his dick. Chop chop. People are dying.
Gwyneth Paltrow Does Ice Bucket Challenge In A Bikini After The Jump
Scientists have long since theorized that the gravity around Kim Kardashian‘s ass is capable of destroying matter if not converting it into dark matter which is kind of redundant. (Smartest, if not slightly racist, penis joke you’ll ever read in your life.) So what that in mind, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages are being instantly vaporized in its wake with Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon‘s divorce bringing its death toll to six.* Seven if you count Gwyneth Paltrow‘s which I do because they’ve met. TMZ reports:
Our sources say … Nick’s appearance on Big Boy’s radio show in March was the beginning of the end. Nick played Big Boy’s game — name the 5 celebs you’ve slept with. Nick named 5, but our sources say the one that made Mariah insane was Kim Kardashian.
We’re told Mariah tore into Nick for weeks … feeling humiliated and the relationship never recovered.
We’re told it went from bad to worse when Nick went on Howard Stern and talked about Mariah not giving it up before they got hitched. She went nuclear.
Here’s where I’m put in a difficult position: By all logic, Kim’s marriage should be rapidly dissolving if not already over by now. However, Kanye West seems to be preventing that by staying clear the fuck away from her, so maybe he really does love her? I mean, he’s doing everything right to keep their marriage together. He’s probably even looking into moon landings. “Bitch’ll never find me up here. — God, I love her so much.” *kanyeweeps*
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(*1. Her parents. 2. Her first one that everybody forgets about. 3. That week she married Kris Humphries. 4. Her mom’s again. 5. Khloe’s. 6. Nick Cannon’s.)
Lindsay Lohan‘s production of Speed-the-Plow opens in a month, so naturally she’s terrorizing clubs in New York by trying to pay with a maxed out credit card and demanding to do the Ice Bucket Challenge in the middle of the floor. Page Six reports:
She appeared at Up & Down on Monday, where sources tell us she insisted on doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge in the middle of the venue, using two Champagne buckets.
While the former OWN star did drench herself with ice water, unfortunately nobody appears to have been focused enough to catch it on video for the ensuing social media blitz.
Of course, one might argue that Lindsay was simply rehearsing for her appearance on The Tonight Show, but the only thing Lindsay rehearses is converting international currency into American dollars in case her johns ask for change. When you realize you just gave away a blowjob for $4.12, you bone up on your exchange rates. But I don’t have to tell you people that. I’ve seen what you do at night.
Lindsay Lohan ALS Ice Bucket Challenge After The Jump