Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed, which is the first one to ever feature our signature pink censor star because no joke, we’re willing to start posting full penetration on this site so long as it means we never have to sign a birthday card for Carol in accounting who nobody likes because she doesn’t get drunk at happy hour and say racist things with the rest of us. (Yes, this is how offices work in my mind. This and butt copies. Everyone constantly makes copies of their butts, right?)
With that in mind, enjoy starting your weekend with Aubrey O’Day‘s bare asscrack, Johnny Depp in The Monopoly Guy Begins, and finally, a series of Santa pics starting here that God willing will stop Sarah Palin‘s heart.
There’s more Aubrey in today’s Final Four, because again, we put pants on for no man,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Alec Baldwin has been in some shit since calling a photographer a “cocksucking fag” yesterday, or “fathead” as acoustics will undoubtedly prove clearing Alec’s good, tolerant name. So to put a stop to this horseshit, Alec Baldwin set out to find his gay hairstylist and literally shove him in front of the cameras to make him do schtick. Which sounds bad enough until, not even exaggerating, he verbally and physically assaulted a news reporter and a photographer on his way to the salon because this was apparently his morning:
“Razza frazza, call me intolerant. *berates news reporters* I’ll fucking show them who doesn’t have a hateful bone in his body. What are you looking at?! *slams paparazzo into car* Teach them a lesson… *storms into salon* You! Faggot who cuts my hair, outside. NOW. *drags stylist outside* Make this look good. Gentleman! I’m glad you’re here. You see this man? He puts penises in his mouth yet I still let him cut my hair. Would a real homophobe do that? I don’t think so. Now, get back to work, ya cocksucker. Ha! See, how we kid? I hope he gets married to a nice fudgepacker. I really do. Now, back the fuck off, I have a gun.”
Photos: Splash News / Pacific Coast News
We’ve already seen Kim Kardashian attempting to drive while holding a purse in front of her face as her child sits helplessly in the backseat, so seeing her wedge her $200,000 Mercedes into a beam in a parking garage like she did yesterday (below) is actually pretty tame. However, it did give me an excuse to post new photos of her gigantic ass which apparently has an ass of its own now whose mark we’ll be forced to bear or face damnation in a sea of fire. The prophecy was quite clear.
Kim Kardashian Gets Her SUV Stuck After The Jump
Not too long ago, Jean-Claude Van Damme boldly described himself as a “very hard seed” of a man with a “kind of liquid cream substance” inside.
Today, he proved it. Today, he proved it.
Ever since Lindsay Lohan started posting selfies to Instagram, people have been paying attention to her, so here she is following up her crotch shot with a topless selfie of her saggy side boob because that’s all really anyone cares about anymore. We just want to check in on her breasts then go about our day. If only there was some way she could make money from that. Some way at all…
Full Lindsay Lohan Topless Picture After The Jump
- Adam Levine is PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive. [Lainey Gossip]
- Robin Thicke banged Britney Spears. [Dlisted]
- The Newly Single Chivettes Come Out To Play [theCHIVE]
- Kaley Cuoco is taking Jennifer Love Hewitt-ing to another level. [Fishwrapper]
- Courtney Stodden is a true feminist, you guys. [tooFab]
- John Oliver is getting his own show on HBO. [BuzzFeed]
- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in yoga pants. [Popoholic]
- Sarah Palin thinks The Pope is too liberal now. The Pope. [The Daily Banter]
- Goddamn, Karlie Kloss… [IDLYITW]
- Nina Agdal topless, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Living with Avril Lavigne is even more annoying than you think. [Celebslam]
- Kate Moss does Playboy. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- LeAnn Rimes is eating her insecurities now. [Amy Grindhouse]
- Jaden Smith has the cure for world hunger. [FilmDrunk]
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Photos: Splash News