This right here. This is what I’m talking about. No one could survive that.
Because God looked down upon the cockroach and said, “Lo, shall you persevere against insurmountable odds and spread blowjays across the earth for all eternity as penance for your bespeckled form which is a blight upon my eyes,” Lindsay Lohan turned 28 today officially making her ineligible for The 27 Club even though that’s predominantly reserved for musicians and people with talent, so I never really got that joke. Anyway, while I’ve been repeatedly frustrated by her penchant for survival as others pass on, I should probably take comfort in knowing I’ll still have a job after some religion bombs us all to shit trying to destroy another one. The posts will practically write themselves. “So you’ll never guess who was late to the decontamination dome today. I’ll give you a hint: She has three legs and blows mutated snails for yellow-coke because it’s the good kind with the uranium in it.”
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News, WENN
[Ed. Note: A third of you will start tapping out by tomorrow afternoon, so I'mma put this up tonight. - SW]
- Jennifer Lopez‘s new album isn’t doing well. I blame Casper Smart. [Lainey Gossip]
- The rapper who cut his dick off wants to do porn now. America, ain’t it grand? [Dlisted]
- Nothing Beats A Woman’s POV [theCHIVE]
- Adam Richman just douched his way out of a job. [Fishwrapper]
- People fucking hate the Cheerleader Game Hunter or whatever she’s called. [The Frisky]
- Megan Fox poses for Cosmo. [Popoholic]
- Hot Babe of the Day: Pia Toscano [Starpulse]
- Horrible Bosses 2 has a trailer. [tooFab]
- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Holland Roden. [IDLYITW]
- Kimberley Garner‘s side-boob > Kim Kardashian‘s side-boob. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Jill Martin‘s in a bikini again. [Celebslam]
- Jesus Christ, Genevieve Morton. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
THE SUPERFICIAL | About • Facebook • Twitter
Photos: Splash News
Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed, a surprisingly large selection considering we’re days away from a major holiday weekend and the paparazzi generally bail early because all the good seats for Hell’s fireworks get claimed quick. So anyway, I led with Kelly Brook again because she’s naked and you guys don’t care if said nakedness happened to occur over a decade ago. Then I sprinkled in a little shit-housed Kiefer Sutherland being dragged from a car into his hotel, and Zachery Ty Bryan‘s bloated jowls and pinged out pupils because celebrity drug addiction will never not be funny to me.
Oh yeah, and Monica Lewinsky‘s in here. Wearing a dress. Cue stain jokes in 3..2..1..
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
A few weeks back, Radar published a rumor that Fox fired Bryan Singer from X-Men: Apocalypse because of his underage sex scandals. It was a story that got a surprising amount of traction despite the fact X-Men: Days of Future Past made shitloads of money which means Bryan Singer could have an entire Twink Holocaust graveyard in his basement, and the only thing a studio would even think of saying to him is, “Need another shovel?” So it makes all kind of sense that he just posted a picture of the script because there’s no fucking way he got fired after that box office. Which is great news for anyone who actually enjoyed X-Men: DoFP, and terrible news for any males 18-22 who just wanted to play Morph without getting butt-sexed at a pool party. That’s, uh, that’s not gonna happen.
‘X-Men: Apocalypse’ Script After The Jump
I’m going to shoot it to you straight, folks. We’re barreling toward a holiday weekend, so there is next to jackshit happening which is why you’re looking at Kim Kardashian stuffing her face which used to be something the paparazzi would’ve never dreamed of doing because they hate physical comedy, but this is at least the second time in under a week which means her empire is crumbling beneath her hooves. More importantly, side-boob, holy cow! It’s like a boob – but from the side! Everybody click on it, so it looks like I didn’t write this from a hammock. (You swore an oath.)
Photos: Splash News
Considering her husband hasn’t issued any sort of denial whatsoever about his alleged affair with transsexual model Ava Sabrina London, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that moving trucks were outside Kendra Wilkinson‘s house, and she supposedly flushed her wedding ring down the toilet, according to Us Weekly:
Once Wilkinson discovered an unexplained—and damning—charge on his credit card, she “flipped out,” the source says. In a rage, she punched walls in their Calabasas, Calif. home, threw their 2009 wedding photos into the pool, and even pulled off her wedding ring, flushing it down the toilet, the source says.
Considering Hank’s already dropping $500 for just a handjob, it probably would’ve been a good idea to hold onto that ring for the day he can’t make child support because he’s spending $80,000 on anal. Granted, I’m not a financial advisor, I do have a rudimentary understanding of basic butt math. For example, if X equals the male penis, and Y equals some sort of hole, then X + Y = Ah, shit I’m broke. A child could do it.
Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Following his arrest Thursday night, and the string of crazy preceding it, X17online reports Shia LaBeouf has checked into rehab. (Although, Gossip Cop says that hasn’t happened yet but is probably coming soon.) And as much as I shit on Shia, I can’t even imagine what it’s like coping with the fact that one minute you’re Steven Spielberg‘s wunderkind with all the Megan Fox vagina that entails, and then next you’re chasing a homeless guy over a hat because you made porn with Lars Von Trier and went full James Franco. (Never go full Franco.) I’m pretty sure my mind would cleave itself in half, too, provided my head hadn’t already rocketed off my body the second Megan Fox touched my penis. On quiet nights, I like to imagine it reaching Jupiter, still yelling “Zowie wow wow boppity zip!” to the cosmos. *pours out 40* One love, Neil DG.
Photos: Courtesy of TMZ
Here’s Justin Bieber‘s latest photo for Shots, an app I’ve never once heard of until now, so just assume him and his buddies sat around going, “Dude, bro, we should totally make our own Instagram, but call it something dope like, uh… fuckin’ Shots! Like we be doin’ shots in da club and da Internet. ” Which is actually kind of amazing because you’d just assume Justin would go with something like “BlackBallers” or “DoubleCupNiggaJoint.org” because he’s about as subtle as Kim Kardashian in a china shop, and BAM. That’s how you cow joke, mothafucka. PEACE. *drops mic*
Photo: Shots / Splash News