Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you before tomorrow’s all day snow and ice dickpunch. In anticipation of nature throwing another tree into my circuit breaker, I ressurected the Final Five again and stuffed it full of Gloria’s ass. But before you deplete your battery life gazing into that and then knife your family over the last can of Beefaroni, check out Ireland Baldwin pre-Instagram filter, or GAH! as I’m calling it, Pope Francis‘ first miracle – feeding an entire crowd with only three balloon penises, and this series of shots from whatever the hell this movie is starring Ted with a cock, because we can all agree that great parody begins and ends with dick jokes.
Wait, did I just negate our entire creative process? EJECT!
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, WENN
While everyone’s squirting digital ink over Shia LaBeouf actually going through with his art exhibit he ripped off Marina Abramovic, here’s a story from the set of Nymphomaniac when he wasn’t trying to disguise his penchant for plagiarism with performance art bullshit and was more focused on the cinematic qualities of dick cameras. Page Six reports:
“Shia had wanted von Trier to put a camera on his penis while filming, so that audiences could have the full experience,” said an insider, but it would have been too much for viewers. (And for his co-star). The film centers on a beaten woman who recalls her varied erotic experiences.
No camera on my dick, I show up to your premiere with a bag over my head. Seems fair enough. As for how this new, artistically alive Shia is going over with the independent film world? Not fucking well: More »
“Okay, now give me a look that says, ‘I made this all happen with my mind and soon will take over the world.’ *click* Perfect!”
Because boundaries have always been a core part of the Seymour-Brant family, here’s Stephanie Seymour posing for an erotic photo shoot in Harper’s Bazaar with her sons Boner Boy and Harry Brant who I had no idea existed because I haven’t seen him get an erection from his mother’s breasts. Then again, I guess this is one way to de-gay a son, or make sure this happens at college:
“Tell me, Peter… *takes off blouse* Do you like my breasts?”
“No, mother, I will NOT clean my room! Sorry, I’m sorry. Reflex action. Why are they so small?”
Photos: Sebastian Faena/Harper’s Bazaar
I’m going to be honest here. I know next to nothing about poetry and would immediately zone out during any part of any class when it was time to read or write it. I even dated an English major who tried her damnedest to get me into it, but she also could orgasm just by touching her nipples which is like giving a six-year-old a GameBoy while you’re trying to teach him Shakespeare. Anyway, I have absolutely no fucking clue whether or not the Internet is in any position to lose its mind over Kristen Stewart‘s poem in Marie Claire and declare it the worst shit ever written. So let’s all read it together, and we’ll compare notes at the end:
Kristen Stewart’s Poem After The Jump
So far we’ve had butt porn, butt aliens, and butt poetry, so let’s keeping that going with Jennifer Lopez‘s ass filming some sort of music video for the World Cup. A video that you’ll never believe has Pitbull in it, and now I’m positive JLo makes Casper Smart haul him around in a suitcase everywhere they go: More »
Because ass-themed sequels are in right now, here’s “Achy Breaky 2,” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus and Buck 22 who’s apparently the son of Dionne Warwick in case Billy Ray Cyrus making random black kids carry his fishing gear before being sucked into a spaceship where hot alien bitches twerk like his daughter somehow wasn’t fucked up enough for you. Then again, we are living in a post-RoboCop shooting off dicks world.
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- Katie Holmes might be secretly banging Jamie Foxx after all. [Lainey Gossip]
- Miley Cyrus honestly believes her tour is educational for your kids. [Dlisted]
- It’s Always Fuego When Jackie Guerrido Does The Weather [theCHIVE]
- Taylor Swift has short hair now. [Fishwrapper]
- There’s footage of Justin Bieber pissing inside his jail cell. [The Frisky]
- The Khaleesi is AskMen’s most desirable woman of 2014. [tooFab]
- The ‘True Detective’ Meme You’ve Been Waiting For [BuzzFeed]
- Gwyneth Paltrow does work on that ass. I’ll give her that. [Popoholic]
- Jessica Lowndes is in a bikini. [IDLYITW]
- And so is Irina Shayk. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Nina Agdal got dumped. [Celebslam]
- And the hardcore trailer for Farrah 2 Backdoor and More. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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