I’m shooting myself in the face for that headline. Don’t worry.
When my parents watched me head out for college 16 years ago, they watched with wonder as I even went in the first place, Mom, and somehow graduated without dropping out after a year to get married, Dad. There I was, an honest-to-God college graduate with a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a wealth of opportunities ahead of me (that paid less than Applebee’s, so I just worked there). I had surpassed them in every way. Or at least I did until today when I posted photos of Ben Affleck‘s ass crack to the Internet, so fuck it, you win. You guys win. College is bullshit. I don’t even remember what I learned there, and it still feels funny when I pee. Can I sleep in your bed?
Yeah, forget all that. Forget it even happened. I have a drinking problem.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News
Paramount recently released a new promotional poster for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles‘ upcoming release in Australia which featured the Turtles jumping out of an exploding skyscraper because their lives are dope and they do dope shit. Which seems pretty innocuous for a summer movie poster until you notice the release date of SEPTEMBER 11. A day when actual people jumped out of an exploding skyscraper to their deaths. So after hearing from the Internet, Paramount pulled the poster off Twitter and Facebook which always puts these fires right out. As for how an oversight like this could happen, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t an oversight as much a source for Michael Bay‘s erection. “Aw yeah, 9/11, baby, fuckin’ shit blowed up so hard.” *fap fap fap*
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Above are screencaps from Hilary Duff‘s new video “Chasing The Sun.” And below is said video along with all the sound and “music” that comes with it, so let me suggest immediately skipping that and clicking right into the on-set bikini pics which are free from all that stuff I just said along with Hilary Duff’s thoughts and emotions. They’re practically the perfect woman.
Hilary Duff ‘Chasing The Sun’ After The Jump
Yesterday, we found out that Jay Z cheated on Beyonce with Rihanna which was also the reason for Solange‘s elevator attack if we’re all going to start believing lizard people talking points now. Why make them go through the trouble of secretly putting mind control in our water? That’s my motto. Anyway, now comes word that Beyonce has been secretly shopping for penthouses without a camel pen for Jay Z to sleep in. Page Six reports:
“She was very quiet, as if she was looking on the sly,” a source said.
Fueling the notion that Beyoncé is not shopping for both of them is the fact that Jay Z has always been extremely involved in their real estate deals, sources said.
Yet he was nowhere to be seen during the apartment showing, they added.
Jay also would be loath to leave their current posh Tribeca pad, a source said.
KIM: “Ohmygod, are they really getting a divorce?”
KANYE: “I dunno. Probably.”
KIM: “We’ll never get one though, right?”
KIM: “Hello? Did you hang up on me?”
KANYE: “… *snaps fingers* Kim! Sorry, bitch, forgot your name for a second. What were you saying?”
Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, WENN
“But there’s a.. there’s a bomb in that whiskey. Someone has to drink it.”
“Sir, that’s a parking meter.”
“Then how did it know my name?!”
Because voicing a character on a Star Wars cartoon has filled him with unbridled hubris, Freddie Prinze Jr. went off on Kiefer Sutherland during a Comic-Con interview to promote Star Wars: Rebels. Apparently, his experience on the set of 24 made him want to quit acting altogether, or at least do the closest thing to that and write for the WWE. ABC News reports:
“I did ’24,’ it was terrible. I hated every moment of it,” Prinze said. “Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face, I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”
He continued, “I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped.” …
”I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE for Christ’s sake and it was a crazier job than working with Kiefer,” he said. “But, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4.”
Of course, all of this makes perfect sense because I’m not sure if you know this about Kiefer Sutherland, but he likes to have a drink every now and then. Which I probably shouldn’t be telling you that because it’s kind of a big secret, so don’t go blabbing about it to all your friends, alright? Keep it under you hat. As for the massive television network that currently employs Kiefer? They have no idea what Freddie Prinze Jr.’s talking about. TMZ reports: More »
- Nina Dobrev is definitely banging Ben McKenzie. Or Orlando Bloom. [Lainey Gossip]
- Cara Delevingne wore a rabbit fur jacket to Leonardo DiCaprio‘s wildlife event. [Dlisted]
- I Declare You, Queen of The Selfie [theCHIVE]
- LeAnn Rimes wore makeup for a no makeup selfie for charity. Of course. [Fishwrapper]
- The NYPD used an illegal chokehold on a pregnant black woman. Also, of course. [The Frisky]
- Khloe Kardashian can bang French Montana without getting acid thrown in her face now. [WWTDD]
- Vanessa Hudgens in booty shorts. [Popoholic]
- Kim Kardashian kissed her step-brother? But.. but.. he’s not black. [Starpulse]
- Teresa Giudice‘s still wearing bikinis. [tooFab]
- And so is Cassie. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Note to Photo Boy: Pay more attention to Jessica Lowndes‘ Instagram. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed that’s got the usual butts and HOLY FUCK! faces plus all the stuff from Comic-Con that interested me which was exactly four pics; this old lady‘s cleavage, this old lady‘s cleavage, Baby Jessica, and Judah Friedlander holding his dick like a five-year-old who won’t admit he has to pee, so in case you’re wondering why Fish ever hired me, I have files. Reams and reams of files that contain lengthy online correspondence between a skinny, young journalism major and a French transexual burlesque performer I may or may not have pretended to be for years.
Je t’aime pour toujours, ma petite plaisanterie de pénis écrivain, toujours…
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News