To us, the poor and downtrodden, it would seem like the entire Internet had a field day with Gwyneth Paltrow announcing she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin and quitting acting because it’s much, much harder than being a mother who works 9 to 5. Except we’re seeing things through a plebeian paradigm of noncelestial happenstance while Gwyneth possesses a metamorphic Rosetta Stone that allows her to see nothing but an outpouring of love and support which is why she left this generous offering of words on her latest chicken recipe: More »
Yesterday, word got out that Zac Efron got his ass kicked by the homeless after he threw a bottle at them for some reason when his car “ran out of gas” in the middle of Skid Row. Which doesn’t sound sketchy at all because there’s a perfectly good reason for why Zac Efron was there. He, uh, wanted some sushi. Yeah, that’s it. Sushi. TMZ reports:
Cops are skeptical, and it’s echoed by Zac’s friends. As one friend put it, “Zac’s a loner. He goes out rarely and the idea of him driving for miles to go to some sushi restaurant in downtown L.A. after midnight is preposterous.”
Several of Zac’s friends tell us the so-called bodyguard is not a bodyguard at all. We’ve confirmed he’s a convicted drug dealer who has been spending a lot of time with Zac recently … despite warnings from friends.
When reached for comment, noted narcotics expert Charlie Sheen said, “If Zac Efron was in Skid Row for sushi, then I’m goddamn Poseidon and vanquish my enemies with a trident. Actually, wait, I do do that last part. Can I start over?”
Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, Splash News
“Is that my real daddy? Can it be?” – Mila Kunis‘ fetus
Even though I posted about it, I never truly believed Mila Kunis is pregnant because, let’s be honest, we all read it on the Internet and the Internet is bullshit. Almost nothing on here is real. For God’s sake, Kim Kardashian isn’t even an actual person. She’s just garbage bags full of cottage cheese that we all take turns making an intern cart around in front of the paparazzi. I still can’t believe you fell for that. Anyway, here’s Mila at CinemaCon last night looking pregnant as all hell which means Ashton Kutcher definitely slipped one past the goalie or Channing Tatum has achieved full Skarsgard. And before you laugh that off, have you seen Jonah Hill lately? That’s triplets, motherfucker.
‘Jupiter Ascending’ Official Trailer 2 After Jump
- So who wants to see Prince Harry get pregnant? [Lainey Gossip]
- Zac Efron‘s bodyguard is apparently paid well. [Dlisted]
- Girls Are Working Out Hard For The Weekend [theCHIVE]
- Somebody put January Jones back in her coffin. [Fishwrapper]
- There’s a Walking Dead beer with actual brains in it. Yup. [The Frisky]
- Hannah Davis bikini photos, anyone? [Popoholic]
- Jessica Simpson has actually been exercising. The Jessica Simpson. [tooFab]
- Nicole Aniston is still in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Steven Seagal is Putin‘s Dennis Rodman. [FilmDrunk]
- Sophia Bush‘s monster cameltoe. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring what’s probably the first shot of Mila Kunis‘ douche bump. Then again, I’m not really an obstetrician no matter what this lab coat, stethoscope, and hospital ID badge I constantly wear seems to make everyone believe. We’ve also got that one Baldwin girl who has yet to partially expose her butthole while paddleboarding and will therefore remain first nameless, Jennifer Connelly who will never, ever walk past a hot dog cart on her way to a red carpet ever again, and Richard Gere just as Stuart Little stirs from his nap.
The Superficial – Slapping 20 year-old jokes on a pile of tit photos, because food service jobs are terrible,
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Two weeks ago, In Touch “somehow” got a hold of a handwritten list of celebrities that Lindsay Lohan‘s had sex with. Except one of the people on that list wants to make it abundantly clear he did not bang Lindsay to the point that he brought it up without prompting while promoting his latest book of dicknose poetry. Via LA Magazine:
You wrote about several celebrities in this book, including a couple of poems about Lindsay Lohan. Have you gotten any response from any of these people?
No, I didn’t write anything bad about them. And Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list! So I feel like what I said is much less than what she’s said.
While it behooves James Franco to deny sticking his penis in Lindsay Lohan, his argument is that 200% of the words out of her mouth are a lie which is one of the few undeniable constants in this world. So even if James Franco really did have sex with her, the fact that she said he did immediately makes that statement false. For example, if Lindsay Lohan said the events of 9/11 happened, the World Trade Center would magically reappear and thousands of American soldiers would suddenly return to life instead of being dead from two bullshit wars. Except she won’t do that because there’s no coke or international sex work in it for her, so really, when you think about it, she’s actually worse than Osama Bin Laden. The logic checks out.
Photos: Splash News
Here’s the official trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles which looks exactly like what you’d expect from a Ninja Turtle movie made by Michael Bay and the director of Battle Los Angeles. That said, I didn’t see any testicles or giant turtle dicks, so I hope every single person involved gets AIDS in the mouth. (Can you tell I’m getting back into serious film critic mode? I was trying to be subtle.)