Dis How Chicken Wear Pasties That Look Like Giant Areolas And Other News

March 31st, 2014 // 12 Comments

- Chris Martin was probably banging Alexa Chung. [Lainey Gossip]

- Chelsea Handler just told E! to fuck itself. [Dlisted]

- Welcome to the time I thought Aubrey O’Day was Shauna Sands. [Celebslam]

- Bad Girls Bend And Snap [theCHIVE]

- Hilary Duff knows you’re thinking about proposing to her. [Fishwrapper]

- The Dixie Chicks can sing “Wrecking Ball” way better than Miley Cyrus. [The Frisky]

- Reese Witherspoon‘s butt makes me want to hump an ultrasound machine. I said it. [Popoholic]

- Hey, remember the Royal Baby? He can speak to animals telepathically. [tooFab]

- When Hashtag Activism Totally Lost Its Narrative [The Daily Banter]

- Noah made 44 million in Satan money over the weekend. [IDLYITW]

- Alessandra Ambrosio is still a leggy MILF. [Hollywood Tuna]

- George Lucas lost a $40 million bet with Steven Spielberg. [FilmDrunk]

- “Fuck me, they forgot the fries.” – Dude crawling on the floor for dear life [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.11

March 29th, 2014 // 41 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which has everything from blasphemous drug humor, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Why can’t I quit you?) and a two-part history of the butt. Oh, and a “Dis how chicken look” joke because I am simple man of simple pleasures. *sips Peruvian coffee out of Faberge egg coffee mug* Mmm, they didn’t skimp on the orphan tears. Enjoy.

The Crap We Missed – Friday 3.28.14

March 28th, 2014 // 328 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed or ‘The Words Beneath The Underage Girl In A Bikini.’ (Hi, Google search!) Well, it’s the end of another week and while I wish I could reach out and inappropriately touch you all like Lou Diamond Phillips is wont to do, alas, this is merely a cyber relationship, so you’ll have to settle for my digital caress. Here, let me relax those shoulders with Jamie Foxx not understanding how gardening works, or maybe rub your feet with Coco‘s butt?

Nevermind, that last one crossed the line. I’m actually disgusted with myself. Let’s take the weekend to regroup,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Remember When Nick Cannon Banged Kim Kardashian? You Do Now

March 28th, 2014 // 38 Comments
'Connor Smallnut'
Nick Cannon White Face
I See Racists Responding Well To This Read More »

“Did that mothafucka just say Nick Cannon?”
Yes, I did.

Because sex lists are all the rage these days, Nick Cannon was asked to name at least five celebrities he’s slept with during a Power 106 interview. And because he has a new album coming out on Tuesday, he actually answered the question and reminded everybody he banged Kim Kardashian. Via Page Six: More »

Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks You For Your Support

March 28th, 2014 // 16 Comments
GOOP's A Working Mom
Gwyneth Paltrow Stretching Yoga Pants
Not Like You Lazy Bitches Read More »

To us, the poor and downtrodden, it would seem like the entire Internet had a field day with Gwyneth Paltrow announcing she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin and quitting acting because it’s much, much harder than being a mother who works 9 to 5. Except we’re seeing things through a plebeian paradigm of noncelestial happenstance while Gwyneth possesses a metamorphic Rosetta Stone that allows her to see nothing but an outpouring of love and support which is why she left this generous offering of words on her latest chicken recipe: More »

Zac Efron Was Just Looking For Sushi. After Midnight. In Skid Row.

March 28th, 2014 // 5 Comments
This Sounds Legit
Zac Efron
Zac Efron's Car 'Ran Out of Gas' Read More »

Yesterday, word got out that Zac Efron got his ass kicked by the homeless after he threw a bottle at them for some reason when his car “ran out of gas” in the middle of Skid Row. Which doesn’t sound sketchy at all because there’s a perfectly good reason for why Zac Efron was there. He, uh, wanted some sushi. Yeah, that’s it. Sushi. TMZ reports:

Cops are skeptical, and it’s echoed by Zac’s friends. As one friend put it, “Zac’s a loner. He goes out rarely and the idea of him driving for miles to go to some sushi restaurant in downtown L.A. after midnight is preposterous.”
Several of Zac’s friends tell us the so-called bodyguard is not a bodyguard at all. We’ve confirmed he’s a convicted drug dealer who has been spending a lot of time with Zac recently … despite warnings from friends.

When reached for comment, noted narcotics expert Charlie Sheen said, “If Zac Efron was in Skid Row for sushi, then I’m goddamn Poseidon and vanquish my enemies with a trident. Actually, wait, I do do that last part. Can I start over?”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, Splash News

Mila Kunis Is Definitely Pregnant, There’s No Denying It Anymore

March 28th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Goddammit Kelso
Mila Kunis Pregnant
Mila Kunis Is Pregnant Read More »

“Is that my real daddy? Can it be?” – Mila Kunis‘ fetus

Even though I posted about it, I never truly believed Mila Kunis is pregnant because, let’s be honest, we all read it on the Internet and the Internet is bullshit. Almost nothing on here is real. For God’s sake, Kim Kardashian isn’t even an actual person. She’s just garbage bags full of cottage cheese that we all take turns making an intern cart around in front of the paparazzi. I still can’t believe you fell for that. Anyway, here’s Mila at CinemaCon last night looking pregnant as all hell which means Ashton Kutcher definitely slipped one past the goalie or Channing Tatum has achieved full Skarsgard. And before you laugh that off, have you seen Jonah Hill lately? That’s triplets, motherfucker.

‘Jupiter Ascending’ Official Trailer 2 After Jump