The Crap We Missed – Monday 5.6.13

May 6th, 2013 // 186 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, where you’re going to notice a few tweaks in its format. First, we’re ditching the random boobs. Well, mostly. Second, we’re going for more of a ‘Best Of’ approach by giving you only what we thought were the most comment-worthy shots. You guys constantly deliver gold and it’s a shame to waste your efforts unless it’s something like Will Smith knighting his douchebag kid in some sort of Royal Douche ceremony. (Get it? They’re douches.) See, you’re better at this than us anyway. Hopefully you guys dig the changes and if not — and you ask nicely — maybe we’ll go back to stuffing this thing full of British prostitutes.

Here’s to new beginnings. *raises Mason jar of piss*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Jennifer Lopez In A Swimsuit Causes Gang Violence

May 6th, 2013 // 24 Comments

Okay, so I really don’t have anything to back that headline up except for these swimsuit photos of Jennifer Lopez filming a music video in Miami and a TMZ report that she had to be secured in her trailer after gunshots were heard. For all we know, it could’ve just been Lou Dobbs protecting the border. The man’s vigilant.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INF, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Lindsay Lohan Hardly Ever Gets Drunk or Does Drugs, You Guys, Honest

May 6th, 2013 // 22 Comments
This Is Going Well
Lindsay Lohan John John Clothing Store Opening Brazil
Lindsay's Lawyer Lies About Her Being In Rehab Read More »

If you haven’t heard by now, Lindsay Lohan did a print interview with Piers Morgan for The Daily Mail – And to her credit, she still managed to come of completely full of shit without even seeing her face. – so you have the option to check out the highlights after the jump or click on the banner pic to see those pics of her still not-too-shabby breasts hanging out of a helicopter in Brazil. If it were up to me, I’d go with the boobs because, really, what is Lindsay Lohan going to say that none of us haven’t heard a million times before? It’s not like she saw a UFO, or we’d already be exchanging our earth blow jobs for hyperdrives by now. “Lord Glaktar is pleased by the red one’s use of her food depository. Bring us more and those pouches you feed your young with. We are compelled to provide this entire ship just to gaze upon them again. I cannot quantify the sensation.”

Lindsay’s Interview With Piers Morgan After The Jump

Teen Mom Farrah’s ‘Sex Tape’ Has A Trailer Because It’s A Porno She Purposefully Made For Money

May 6th, 2013 // 65 Comments
'It's Like A Wedding Video!'
Farrah Abraham Bikini
'Except I Get Plowed By A Porn Star' Read More »

While I was on vacation last week, Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham signed a deal with Vivid to release her sex tape, and by signed a deal I mean they all pretended she got paid a million dollars for a professional porno she already got paid for acting in as a porn star. So if you’re willing to accept that bullshit angle, here’s Vivid’s official trailer because everyone’s private, intimate sexual encounters include glamour shots now:

“Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom” Vivid.com Exclusive Preview (NSFW)

Or you can skip that and go directly to the extremely NSFW clip over on DrunkenStepfather where you’ll immediately notice that there’s no way in hell this thing was shot “like a wedding video” because it’s a straight-up, hardcore porno. There’s literally no denying it after seeing all the squirting and glass dildos (Yup.), so I hope her dad feels really awesome now about bringing his three-year-old granddaughter to fake negotiations at a porn studio. I’m sure it’s what Jesus would’ve done. “Alright, sweetie, sit here and draw a nice picture of Noah’s Ark while grampa helps mommy lie to millions of people about giving grown-up hugs for money. It’ll be good practice for when you turn 18 because, ‘Keeping the baby is the right thing to do,’ I just had to say. Stupid…

Photos: Splash News

Chris Brown Can’t Be ‘Wife-ing’ Every Chick That Takes Him Back After He Almost Kills Her

May 6th, 2013 // 29 Comments
Breezy's Too Good For Her
Rihanna Bikini Blunt Fishnet Coverup Chris Brown
Chris Brown's Dad Seems Like A Helluva Guy Read More »

In an interview with Australia’s The Kyle and Jackie Show, Chris Brown confirms that he broke up with Rihanna because he can’t be “wife-ing” somebody that young. Apparently he doesn’t know you can still punch women after you marry them? Who the fuck knows? Via E! News:

“Imma do it solo,” Brown continued. “I mean, at the end of the day, shawty doing her own thang, she on the road. It’s always gonna be love. I’m a grown man, just gotta fast forward.”
The singer makes it clear that his love for Rihanna hasn’t gone anywhere, but at this point in their lives, it’s just not practical, “I’m always gonna love that person. I cant be focused on wife-ing someone that young. I need to be the best Chris Brown I can be.”

“Son, let me break it down for you. Who looked at your phone when you were trying to text another woman?”
“Rihanna.”
“And who let you punch her in the face?”
“Rihanna.”
“Bite her neck?”
“Rihanna.”
“Choke her, slam her head against the car door, leave her for dead on the street?”
“Rihanna.”
“And after all that, who had the nerve to go the hospital where everyone found out about your business?”
“Rihanna.”
“See what I’m getting at?”
“Huh. Guess I never thought of it that way. Thanks, Dad!”

- Chris & Clinton Brown, April 30, 2013

Photos: Splash News

The Superficial Counter-Argument To Miley Cyrus Being #1 On The Maxim HOT 100

May 6th, 2013 // 50 Comments

You oughta know, Maxim. You oughta know.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News