The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 8.26.14

August 26th, 2014 // Leave a Comment

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring JLo doubling down on butt, because if you haven’t heard butts are the new tits. Except for Kim Kardashian. We still find her ass grotesque in every possible way and wish it would hurry up and eat her entire family as foretold in Revelations. We’ve also got Miley Cyrus instagramming screenshots from her dad’s gay-for-pay days and Paula Patton bouncing back strong from her marriage’s failure by going commando in a see-through dress in public.

“Daddy, look! Mommy’s boobies are on the TV!”
“That’s not your fault son. Sometimes mommies and daddies have to be apart for a while.”
“No, I know, she said she was going to show them to everyone because of your dirty thingie.”

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Rita Ora & Kristin Cavallari Deserved Better

August 26th, 2014 // 8 Comments

Yesterday, our server basically burst into flames, fucking a giant hole in our day and causing us to scramble to post what we could, when we could. So lost in that mix were Rita Ora and Kristin Cavallari who both showed up in small doses, but really deserved their own galleries because Jesus Christ. So here’s us righting that wrong and attempting to atone for putting Lena Dunham in the Emmys gallery. That was uncalled for. You have children, for God’s sake, we know.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Miley Cyrus’ Date To The VMAs Isn’t Exactly Homeless

August 26th, 2014 // 50 Comments
It Could've Been Worse
Kardashians Checking Phones Ferguson VMAs
She Could've Done This Read More »

Most people consider homeless to mean poor, destitute, no place to turn to. So when Miley Cyrus brought a “homeless” date to the VMAs, it was just assumed that she picked this poor guy up off the streets where poverty had left him. Turns out he’s a struggling model whose mom says he can come home anytime he wants. Whoops. The Daily Mail reports:

Speaking from her home in Salem, Mrs Helt, mother to Jesse’s three brothers and sister, added Jesse chose to ‘go it alone’ and chase his dreams.
She said: ‘He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else.
‘It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another,’ she added.

And if you’re about to say this is nitpicking, go ahead and ask a real homeless person what they’d do just to sleep in a clean bed let alone after a home-cooked meal because I’m pretty sure they’d apologize to their mom for doing drugs and breaking into houses in a heartbeat. In fact, they’d probably say, “Wait, that’s it?!” before stabbing you with a tin can for actually thinking they’d be stupid enough to pass that up. Goddammit.

Photos: Instagram / Getty

Shit, Y’All Know Dave & Buster’s Is #BBare’s House

August 26th, 2014 // 26 Comments
#BBare's 4 Lyfe
Selena Gomez Kissing Justin Bieber Instagram
Getcha Boy, Elephant Princess Read More »

YO! Getcha ass up off my boy’s skeeball. AND STAY OUT DA BALL PIT. Tap Maple Zizzurp:

Justin and Selena Gomez were at Dave & Buster’s Monday night when a fan started taking cell phone pics and video of the two. Law enforcement sources say … Justin lunged at the guy … in an attempt to take his cell phone and presumably erase the pics and video.
Justin’s security held him back and he never made contact with the fan.
Police were called but before they arrived Justin booked it out of there.
Our law enforcement sources say the fan wants to press charges and Justin is being investigated … and the possible crimes are attempted battery, attempted theft (stealing the pics) and attempted robbery (grabbing the camera in an attempt to permanently deprive the fan of the pics and video).

Let me make this Crystal Light clear: ALL Y’ALL PHONES BELONG TO #BBARE. You may think you signin’ a contract with AT&T or Verizon or mothafuckin Sprint, but in actuality, you signin’ a contract to hand that shit over to #BBare if he don’t like you takin’ dem pictures. Ya see, sometimes my boy needs to have a quiet night with his girl like errbody else. Take her to dinner, get dat pussy with some Dave & Buster‘s as pussies do, and then drop dem panties with a Frosty on the way home. It’s a beautiful thing dat y’all up and ruin when you up in his face with dat cameraphone. And my boy coulda killed y’all, too, but you lucky he on parole. (And used all his bullets on Suge. WHAT.) So remember dat shit for next time: Let a nigga be Batman, man. Let him be Batman.

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Wait. Lindsay Lohan Is A Nanny?

August 26th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Lindsay's Being Lindsay
Lindsay Lohan Saggy Side Boob Bra Legs See Through Dress Bowery Hotel
Does Ice Bucket Challenge In Middle of A Club Read More »

“Call me Mrs. Crotchfire.”

I would’ve posted this sooner, but a gaping vagina and 18 server crashes will fuck a man’s schedule up, so here’s In Touch Weekly reporting that not only is Lindsay Lohan “dating” an investment banker, she’s also taking care of his kids who presumably don’t have a mother that loves them because she hasn’t tried to flee the country with them:

Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her,” a second source tells the mag, adding that the actress is doing better than ever. “She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

So you know how everyone’s been freaking out lately about the over-militarization of local police forces? Hear me out: What if we gave all that shit to child services? Mainly wherever this guy lives. Who’s going to argue that? Besides libertarians. They’re a silly group.

Photos: Splash News

The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

August 26th, 2014 // 1 Comment

Here’s the rest of The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards where my comprehensive reporting will tell you Breaking Bad won fucking everything except for that one award for True Detective and Benedict Cumberbatch winning for Sherlock which slightly makes up for Rust Cohle losing to Walter White. More importantly, Laura Prepon demonstrated the misogynistic side of Scientology by letting her breasts be consumed by a Thoraxian whore-tarp. Is it because she didn’t swab the slave ship? GIVE HER MORE TIME.

NOTE: After you see Alexandra Daddario, you’re going to want to see her topless. Think of me as Jesus.

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Christina Hendricks Brought Her Monster Breasts #Emmys

August 26th, 2014 // 8 Comments

As small children, most of us dreamed about Ronald McDonald having really huge tits. I’m talking so huge you don’t even know how he’s carrying them around, and maybe Grimace should talk to him about steroids. So now that I’ve explained how Christina Hendricks is so popular, here’s her breasts at the Emmys last night where they arrived twenty minutes before her face. — I’m joking. She doesn’t even have one. Ha! Could you imagine?

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Hayden Panettiere Brought Her Monster Fetus #Emmys

August 26th, 2014 // 8 Comments

Here’s a pregnant as fuck Hayden Panettiere at the Emmys last night where it was a goddamn miracle her unborn daughter didn’t burst out of her chest and terrorize Sigourney Weaver. Which isn’t so much a joke about the giant’s fetus inside of her (a justifiable curse for stealing his magic beans) as much it’s a comment on how little I know about pregnancy. Case in point, this net I’m holding. Can’t have the little shit laying eggs everywhere.

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Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News