Jessica Simpson Got Married

July 6th, 2014 // 12 Comments
What's Happening Here?
Jessica Simpson Swimsuit Skinny Instagram
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Because I work in celebrity gossip, I’m obligated to inform you that Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson this weekend who apparently couldn’t content himself with buckets of child support from two kids, and had to go for the alimony, too. Somewhere, Kevin Federline just saluted by holding a chicken wing to his forehead. That being said, I’m under no obligation to bore you with blurry wedding photos taken from three states over, so here are pics from that time Jessica Simpson’s breasts looked fucking amazing. As you can see, her wedding isn’t blocking your view of them, so did I even need to bring it up? No. No, I did not.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Who Got Herpes This Weekend? And Other News

July 6th, 2014 // 11 Comments

- Robin Thicke misses Paula Patton so bad he has to bang groupies three at a time. [Lainey Gossip]

- Katy Perry‘s a Christian, you guys, and a Christian would never steal music. [Dlisted]

- Top Instagram Girls You Probably Don’t Know About [theCHIVE]

- This is what a Duggar looks like before her vagina becomes a Jesus cannon. [Fishwrapper]

- What’s up, Edyta Zajac? [Popoholic]

- Let’s see Buzzfeed make this list. [Starpulse]

- Brody Jenner never dated Lauren Conrad if anyone somehow still gives a shit. [tooFab]

- Rachelle Leah‘s in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Chris Brown has been reduced to doing reality television. [Celebslam]

- Arianny Celeste and Brittany Palmer are in bikinis. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet, Splash News, Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Happy Birthday, America, You Fat Dumb Bastard

July 4th, 2014 // 77 Comments
Captain America Statistics Song
WATCH: Captain America Statistics Song!

In honor of America’s proud tradition of making things go “BOOM” to celebrate our independence from a country that far surpasses us in health care, education, gun control, you name it, The Superficial will be off today because a paid holiday’s a paid holiday no matter whose bullshit birthday it is. (What’s up, Jesus?) So we’ll be back Monday, but if you hate your friends, family, or just human contact in general, you can check out our possibly more industrious link partners below and/or dick around with me on Facebook and Twitter where I’m sure I’ll be after my parents bring up Hobby Lobby, and I respond by shoving a live M-80 in my face. #USA

Lainey Gossip | Dlisted | theCHIVE | Fishwrapper | The Frisky | WWTDD | Popoholic | Starpulse
tooFab | IDLYITW | Hollywood Tuna | Celebslam | DrunkenStepfather

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The Crap We Missed – Thursday 7.3.14

July 3rd, 2014 // 434 Comments

Alright everybody, it’s your last The Crap We Missed before we celebrate America’s birthday by passing out drunk on top of the grill before the escorts even get there. What, you don’t like to barbeque? So, I managed to put together another hearty selection of essentially innocent celebrity candids for us all to project shameful, humiliating and albeit completely untrue scenarios onto. Yay, Internets! With that in mind, here’s back-to-back Kelly Brook shots that I almost felt guilty about until I remembered my soul died circa 1993, Lily Allen‘s stomach because see previous and the inevitable outcome of all that Jersey Shore bullshit that we waited patiently for.

They actually look so depressed they might kill themselves! Happy Fourth of July Everyone!!

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Chris Martin Quit Being A Vegetarian

July 3rd, 2014 // 19 Comments
Conscious Recoupling?
Gwyneth Paltrow
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“Hey, how you doin’? I can eat burgers now. *returns to call* So, anyway, she’s all ‘Who put the bloody doilies next to the bloody quinoa sifter?’ And I’m like, ‘Bitch, fuck your doilies! I want chicken nuggets.’ — Okay, that didn’t happen. But I thought it.”

Much like America celebrates its independence from Britain, so now shall Chris Martin celebrate his independence from eating macrobiotic polenta in a bowl of pretentious stew. Via Us Weekly:

Asked by host Steve Wright if he’s still a vegetarian, Martin replied, “Well, not really,” prompting Wright to say, “What do you mean ‘not really’?”
“Well, I eat meat,” the British singer answered, laughing. “I was vegetarian for quite a long time and then for various reasons I changed. My daughter’s vegetarian since she was born, so I keep getting tempted to go back. I don’t eat very much meat.”
Pressed for more, Martin explained, “I felt like you should only eat something that you’d be able to kill…You know, could you kill a fish? I wouldn’t like it, but I probably could, so I’ll eat the fish. But a giraffe…”

As for what his new, killable diet consists of, Chris Martin has created several tasty dishes using only Gwyneth Paltrow and badly wounded kittens. He hopes to expand to a squirrel that fell off the roof the other day.


Lindsay Lohan’s Legs Look Like This Because of Biking, You Guys, She Was Biking

July 3rd, 2014 // 52 Comments

Seriously. Biking. Via Instagram:

A citibike gone wrong #notsoquiche !!!!

Wait. Did you think it was hooking? Holy shit, you thought it was hooking. Ohmygod, I am so sorry. This is embarrassing. I genuinely feel awful. These things happen. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Photos: Splash News

Michelle Rodriguez & Zac Efron Party Together, No Big Whoop, Wanna Fight About It?

July 3rd, 2014 // 9 Comments

Photo Boy had the top shot in The Crap We Missed yesterday, and now here’s the rest of Michelle Rodriguez partying with Zac Efron in Sardinia which seems random until you remember she was just hanging out with Boner Boy, so literally anything’s possible. The important thing is that this proves Zac Efron’s either a gay man in love with his mother’s breasts, a lesbian, or Old Man Winter. — I’m messing with you. The boat’s made of coke. The whole thing’s coke. If you check the underside, you’ll see Lindsay Lohan clinging to it.

Photos: CIAO/AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News

Holy Crap, It’s Superman! In The Same Exact Costume As The Other Movie

July 3rd, 2014 // 34 Comments

Following Batfleck and the constant barrage of casting news because they’re shoving 800 superheroes in this thing (Blue Beetle, anyone?), it’s been way too easy to forget about Henry Cavill despite his character’s name being one of the 20 words in the title. So to fix all that, Warner Bros. released the first official image of Superman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, and surprise, he looks exactly like he did in the first movie right down to the Krypton cock bulge. (How do you not look at it?) As for what he’s doing in 19th century Britain is anybody’s guess. Were rain storms grittier to brood in back then? I’m not a meteorologist.

Photo: Warner Bros.