The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 10.8.14

October 8th, 2014 // 275 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed starting with Emily Ratajkowski, which I’m well aware will effectively end it for 99.999999999999999% of you. But when your pants are back on, please enjoy John Travolta and his stunt double each reacting to the fact that he will be standing in for the locker room scene, Seth MacFarlane on the set of Ted 2: Remember That Pop Culture Stuff Dick Fart Boob, and Robert Downey Jr. wondering “Ven iz ze time on Sprockets ven ve dance?”

Wait, I think I get this now. References = Comedy! Small Wonder was so weird, amirite?!

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Amanda Bynes Has A Microchip In Her Head, According To Amanda Bynes

October 8th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Engaged To What Now?
Amanda Bynes Covering Face NYC
Amanda Bynes Has A 19-Year-Old Fiance Read More »

In a new interview with In Touch who I’m pretty sure are just following her around with a tape recorder while she’s talking to herself, Amanda Bynes claims she has a microchip in her head, so if you happen to have a particularly flammable dog, now would be a good time to bring it inside:

The most disconcerting of her erratic behavior was when Amanda told In Touch’s reporter she believes she has a microchip in her head. “I want a dollar a day from every person who [is] reading my mind,” she told the reporter.

Granted, while all of that sounds concerning as hell, at least Amanda Bynes didn’t say she wouldn’t be able to resist putting a baby’s penis in her mouth which is my new bar for judging how awful something is. That’s where I’m at now. “Nobody said they wanted to suck a baby’s dick? We’re good here.” – Me, going forward

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Photos: Abaca USA/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Taylor Swift’s Trying To Bang Selena Gomez!

October 8th, 2014 // 35 Comments
STOP. GOING. BACK. TO. HIM.
Selena Gomez Braless Nipples Cleavage CR Fashion Book Issue No5 Launch Party
Justin Ditches Selena For The Kardashians Read More »

Okay, that headline might seem like sensationalistic click-bait, but I honestly don’t know how else you read this Selena Gomez quote without getting the impression that Taylor Swift wants to passionately tongue her vagina in a Brooklyn brownstone while Karlie Kloss watches from a window, her jealously steaming in the nighttime rain. E! News reports:

Taylor has been begging me to live there,” Gomez said. “She’s like, ‘It’s the best decision I’ve ever made.’ Everyone always says I’m more New York when they meet me so maybe it would be good for me. I don’t spend enough time there.”

See? She might as well have said Taylor Swift keeps sending her photos of her fist. I can’t be the only one getting that impression and doodling it onto any flat surface I can find. Why can’t I get her eyebrows right?

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, ROLO/AKM-GSI, SunOfHollywood.com / Splash News

Gwyneth Paltrow: ‘Martha Stewart Sees Me As Competition’

October 8th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Bitch, I'll Cut You
Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
And It Won't Be A Good Thing Read More »

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, she’s actually serious, isn’t she? Us Weekly reports:

“No one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated,” Paltrow said sarcastically. “I’ll try to recover,” she added.
“If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am.”

I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow fully appreciates who she’s messing with here. When Martha Stewart says something like, “She just needs to be quiet,” that’s not coming from a place of fear. That’s coming from a place of you specifically need to shut the fuck up before your shrill, gluten-free words piss her ears off. It’s like swatting at a mosquito if mosquitoes drove Vespas and think they have British accents. Which, again, proves my point that Gwyneth Paltrow would be more tolerable if she simply walked around spreading malaria. How many times are you going to make me keep saying it?

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Photo: Getty

Help Me, Hilary Duff’s Butt In Tight Jeans, You’re My Only Hope

October 8th, 2014 // 15 Comments

Here’s Hilary Duff‘s butt in tight jeans on the set of Good Morning America yesterday where nobody talked about putting their child’s penis in their mouth, so I’m just going to sit here for a while hugging my monitor and quietly weeping until her ass consumes my every thought and I’m back to normal again. Shouldn’t be long.

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Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Stephen Collins Allegedly Made Comments About Molesting His Own Kids

October 8th, 2014 // 75 Comments
Stephen Collins
The Dad From 7th Heaven?
Stephen Collins
Molested Kids? Holy Shit Read More »

So here’s what’s happening: I’m going to update you on all the horrible ass shit coming out of the Stephen Collins child molestation fiasco, and then immediately bury my face in new pics of Hilary Duff‘s butt because goddamn everything about this. Specifically this email Faye Grant allegedly sent Stephen after he admitted to molesting children and she turned him into the police in 2012. TMZ reports:

“The comment you made just before I gave birth to our daughter when you said you hoped we didn’t have a little boy, because ‘you just didn’t know if you could keep his little penis out of your mouth‘ was indication enough that you were sick …”
Grant goes on to regretfully say, “I should have followed my gut then, and then again 14 years ago, and kicked your ass to the curb.”

Yup. You just read all of that. Now up until late last night, Stephen Collins wasn’t saying a peep and mostly did things like resign from the National Board of the Screen Actors Guild and wait to inevitably get fired from all future work. However, he’s finally spoken out through his lawyer, and not to deny that he’s an unrepentant pedophile who allegedly preyed on young girls, but to basically call his wife a money-grubbing bitch because that’s the real crime here: More »

Good Morning, Caitlin O’Connor, And Other News

October 8th, 2014 // 5 Comments

- Jennifer Garner was destined to be the one to put up with Ben Affleck‘s shit. [Lainey Gossip]

- Morrissey has Morrissey things to say about having cancer. [Dlisted]

- Softball players make great bikini models. Who knew? [theCHIVE]

- Gretchen Carlson went full Benghazi on Ebola. Of course. [The Daily Banter]

- Blake Lively gave Aziz Ansari her number then wouldn’t return his texts. [Fishwrapper]

- True Story: My Gynecologist Found A Used Condom In My Vagina [The Frisky]

- Shia LaBeouf is totes method, bro. [WWTDD]

- “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over? To tell you the good news!” [Death and Taxes]

- Lea Michele‘s in yoga pants. [Popoholic]

- Josh Duhamel‘s son flips off the paparazzi. [tooFab]

- Goddamn, Helen Flanagan. [Hollywood Tuna]

- And you, too, Jessica Chastain in lingerie. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: PRPH/AKM-GSI, SunOfHollywood.com / Splash News