Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed where I wish I had a celebrity pulling an awesome April Fools’ prank for you guys, but I don’t unless you count Billy Dee Williams tricking his Dancing With The Stars partner into being his ho. Other than that, it’s your usual yoga pant butt parade and Kelly Brook‘s boyfriend hiding his boner pics that you’ll all somehow find a way to quote Jaws to. Never change, you guys.
And let me be the first to say that for today’s Final Five, Zaloog would,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Here’s the red band trailer for Sex Tape featuring Cameron Diaz‘s nipples in a see-through shirt which I assure you is not an April Fool’s joke. More importantly, I got to write a post with the words “Cameron Diaz sex tape” in it which effectively makes me Lord of The Internet and rightful owner of your first-born son and most fertile goat. (Don’t worry about what I’m doing with that last one.
Your MY child will have a helmet.)
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Lindsay Lohan is trying to pass herself off as a sober, serious movie star, so the last thing she should do is go anywhere near the Chateau Marmont and/or Terry Richardson. Except he’s the only one who somehow makes her look attractive, so here she is in his studio, and I’ll say what we’re all thinking: After he cums on her face, does she hand him the invoice then, or does Dina fax it over later? Oprah keeps skipping that part.
Photos: Terry’s Diary
For those of you, like myself, who live life glued to a glowing screen, shunning the outside world with its harsh sunlight and damnable fresh air, you probably caught wind of the horseshit #CancelColbert “controversy” which should’ve been written off the second it was endorsed by Michelle Malkin and her right-wing hack site Twitchy that equates retweeting an Onion article with thinking it’s real. /axegrind So here’s Stephen Colbert absolutely murdering his response while brilliantly pissing all over the media, Twitter and Comedy Central. Never in my life will I do anything this brilliant even counting that time I had sex with a Rhodes Scholar which never happened, and now I don’t know why I just said that. *retreats to hovel*
Stephen Colbert Responds To #CancelColbert – March 31, 2014
[Ed. Note: I'd embed this, but Comedy Central videos have a tendency to autoplay which some of you will react to with the same, if not more, vitriol as if I raped a family member. As you should. - SW]
Following up her decision to bang Riff Raff, Katy Perry continued her “Fuck You (For More Than Likely Cheating On Me With Kelly Monaco), John Mayer” tour over the weekend by telling E! News she plans to become a green-haired collector of fine arts, and, no, this is not an April Fool’s Joke. Switching Photo Boy’s AIDS medication with Tic-Tacs was. Haha! Look at his skin fall off.
As we first told you yesterday, the pop music princess has plans to change her hair color to “slime green.”
But that’s not the only new thing Perry has going on.
She's decided to dive into what can potentially be a very expensive hobby with the help of Beverly Hills gallerist Marc Selwyn.
“I’m going to slowly become an art collector,” Perry told me at MOCA’s 35th Anniversary Gala Presented by Louis Vuitton. “Today, we had an all-day art crawl. We got to see some private collections from some people’s homes and then we went to a couple of galleries.”
“A woman who irrationally colors her hair AND spends shitload of money just because?! That’s way better than random sex with groupies I never have to talk to again!” – Mohn Jayer, Bizzaro World Musician
“Can I put my top back on?”
“If you want to wait in the car.”
Now that they’ve announced their love to the world, here’s Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne in Cancun over the weekend where one of them swam topless in the ocean instead of getting a dog, so none of this makes sense to me. Not a goddamn lick of it.
- Marvel apparently pulled a dump truck full of money up to Chris Evans‘ house. [Lainey Gossip]
- Of course Johnny Depp is wearing Amber Heard‘s engagement ring now. [Dlisted]
- Have you seen these boobs? Asking for a friend. [theCHIVE]
- Madonna is laughing! The Plague of Boils is at hand! [Fishwrapper]
- 8 Times When It’s Really Not Necessary To Send A Dick Pic [The Frisky]
- Rachel Nichols is still a hot redhead with awesome breasts. [Celebslam]
- Note to Self: Get puppet mask. Have sex with Bar Refaeli. [Popoholic]
- Nicole Kidman‘s not Photoshopped here at all. [tooFab]
- Winnie Cooper in yoga pants, anyone? [IDLYITW]
- Emily Ratajkowski‘s in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Kate Upton‘s Jiggling Breasts: The Movie [FilmDrunk]
- Miley Cyrus topless on a horse. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN