The Crap We Missed – Monday 11.3.14

November 3rd, 2014 // 436 Comments

Welcome to Mondays The Crap We Missed where I decided to throw a conundrum your way. You see, I’m well aware of how you guys lose your shit for today’s lead, Ariana Grande, especially when her Halloween costume is…I’m going with Child Prostitute Angel? And yet, you couldn’t rush to the comments quick enough to tie Lena Dunham to the spit stake. That’s a real mixed message, so in the spirit of that, enjoy today’s gallery which is almost entirely the last of this year’s stripper closet disguised as Halloween costumes or celebrity butts at a charity event which aims to make films more museum friendly?

I honestly have no clue what’s going on here today. Maybe Heather Locklear can tell me when she’s done giving a picture of Tupac to the paparazzi. *head spins, passes out*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

TLC Will Pay Kids In Full For ‘Honey Boo Boo’ Episodes, Not Mama June

November 3rd, 2014 // 13 Comments
Mama June Shannon
Mama June Speaks Out
Mama June Shannon
Doesn't Answer A Goddamn Thing Read More »

“Who wants sketti, y’all?”

Exactly everything coming out of the Mama June Shannon dating the man who molested her daughter situation has been God-fucking-awful, so it’s refreshing to finally see some good news even if it doesn’t involve the words a Southern sheriff saying “Boy, fetch me mah elephant gun.” There’s still time. TMZ reports:

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … TLC’s biggest concern is the welfare of Honey Boo Boo and the other kids and show execs are deeply concerned and upset that June has put them at risk by dating convicted child molester Mark McDaniel.
The network does not believe June deserves full payment, so they have deducted a significant amount from what she would have gotten if the show aired.
As for the kids … we’re told they will ALL be paid in full

As for how TLC can get away with paying June less, there’s a morality clause in her contract which I’m pretty sure covers fucking the pedophile who already molested one of your daughters and is clearly trying to get his hands on another one. There’s really not a whole lot of gray area on that one, and I just spent my entire morning reading and writing about Lena Dunham‘s little sister’s vagina, so trust me, I unfortunately know what I’m talking about. And am probably going to start smoking again because of it. *lights two cigarettes* Do you think the next world will be less kid-rapey? — Me too. *lights up third*

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Photo: New Line Cinema (h/t Johnny Barbells)

That’s Kate Upton’s Butt

November 3rd, 2014 // 19 Comments

And now back to Celebrity’s Underwear, Can I See Them? Here’s Kate Upton‘s skirt flying up while she poses in front of a wind machine in Miami. Which, yes, is pretty anti-climactic after seeing her naked*wipes SEO off chin* – but at the same time, the post before this had a picture of Lena Dunham‘s face, so I know at least half of your penises screamed “OH THANK GOD!” before exploding into dust. On that note, do powder-burns come out of pajama pants? Asking for a friend.

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Photos: FameFlynet

Lena Dunham Didn’t Molest Her Sister, STFU

November 3rd, 2014 // 87 Comments
Lena Dunham
Previously In Lena Dunham
Lena Dunham Topless

I don’t care for Lena Dunham. I don’t like Girls. I don’t think she’s some bold, fresh feminist voice as much as a bourgeois Bohemian high on her own farts. And if I’m being a frank, asshole purveyor of an Internet boob site, her constantly naked box-body offends me. That being said, you have to be a complete fucking idiot to think she molested her little sister. An accusation that started in the right-wing echo chamber after Truth in Revolt aggregated a National Review article referencing passages from Not That Kind of Girl where Lena Dunham way too openly, and more than likely overly-fictitiously, details her early days of sexual curiosity with her body as well her younger sister’s. Which is completely normal shit, but we’ll get back to how she fucked that all up in a minute. So during their initial post, Truth in Revolt who incorrectly reported Lena’s age as 17 during her “exploration” with her toddler sister when really she was seven which makes a world of difference. Except it was too late for a correction, which Truth In Revolt did add to the post, because by then the lie was already out, and now my site, and I’m sure countless others, are flooded with jackass trolls accusing Lena Dunham of being a child molester because “these feminist bitches have to go down.” And the amazing part is that there are dozens of legitimate criticisms to be made about Lena Dunham writing about her little sister’s vagina because it even made liberal feminists go, “I’m sorry, she parted what now?” but the fuckhead conservosphere jumped right to sexual abuse even though these are the same assholes fanning the flames of #GamerGate. Via The Frisky: More »

Rihanna Will Make You Want To Bang Raphael Now

November 3rd, 2014 // 19 Comments

The right wing media is waging a horseshit campaign to paint Lena Dunham as a child molester, but before we get to that, let’s look at Rihanna‘s tits painted like a Ninja Turtle because I’m almost positive this is the story on everyone’s mind that will define us a generation. Or make me watch the shit-ass Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie again and hope one of them grow breasts. Again. (I’m a dreamer.)

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Josiah / AKM-GSI, Splash News

It’s Heidi Klum’s Halloween Costume

November 3rd, 2014 // 12 Comments

Every Halloween Heidi Klum wears an overly elaborate costume as she’s done each year (except for last when she merely revealed her true form) since Hitler summoned her from the demonic realm to vanquish his enemies and festoon the Fatherland with topless tittery. So here she is transformed into a beautiful butterfly which I’m pretty sure was the plot of Red Dragon, so somebody make sure Heidi Klum’s not biting corpses with her dentures. She takes getting into character very seriously. In 2010, NASA caught her trying to hijack a shuttle to return to Purple Nipplelon 7. Fifteen people died.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Josiah / STMX / Vantagenews / AKM-GSI, Splash News

Everybody Hates Chris Rock’s SNL Monologue (Ha! Get It? Like The Show)

November 3rd, 2014 // 33 Comments
Chris Rock SNL
WATCH: Chris Rock - 'SNL' Monologue

Chris Rock hosted Saturday Night Live over the weekend and during his monologue, he told some jokes about 9/11 and the Boston Marathon Bombing which is almost completely unheard of for a comedian. My socks flew right off my feet, I was so shocked. And apparently so was the Internet even though Chris Rock said absolutely nothing offensive and was making pretty clear points about American capitalism that are 100% true. Then again, if you don’t constantly speak about terrorist attacks with awe and reverence, it makes it harder to start wars against brown people in other countries that had nothing to do with it, so I can see how that might anger some people who really want those brown people dead. Why you gotta keep fucking things up for them?

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Kelly Brook’s Breasts Are The Devil And Other News

November 3rd, 2014 // 21 Comments

- Benedict Cumberbatch describes how Sherlock would fuck. Bring a change of underwear. [Lainey Gossip]

- Olivier Martinez‘s punches ruined Gabriel Aubry‘s modeling career. — I believe it. [Dlisted]

- Sunday Is A Good Day For Lingerie [theCHIVE]

- For the love of God, Tara Reid, please stop taking selfies of your crotch. [Fishwrapper]

- The Foolproof Way To Get Out Of The Friendzone: Dress Like An Asshole [The Frisky]

- Karlie Kloss is in lingerie. [WWTDD]

- “Dear Navy SEALS, stop bragging on FOX News.” – The Pentagon [Death and Taxes]

- So who wants to see Hayden Panettiere as a pregnant cat person in a bikini? [Popoholic]

- Furious 7 has a trailer. See if you can spot the strings on Paul Walker‘s corpse! [tooFab]

- Taylor Swift is a Pegacorn. [IDLYITW]

- You should know what to expect by now. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- What’s up, Naya Rivera? [Hollywood Tuna]

- The Sexiest Social Media Pics of The Week [Celebslam]

- I do not pay enough attention to Shay Mitchell. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI