Because once you write about one coke-monster, you kind of want to write about them all, here’s Lindsay Lohan swimming off her hangover in Ischia yesterday. And if these seem spectacularly disappointing, you should see the Kate Upton bikini pics we couldn’t afford. I’m talking her giant breasts were falling out and everything. I’m not safe to be around right now. *flips over desk, tries to harvest Photo Boy’s plasma with a spork*
Photos: Splash News
Charlie Sheen‘s currently in the middle of a custody spat with Denise Richards which seems odd because who wouldn’t want this guy near their children? Look at how politely he stumbles over to random strangers in a Taco Bell drive thru and starts showing them his tattoos. You can’t just teach something like that out of a book. Kids need a father. An example. (Via)
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When Casey Kasem died exactly a month ago, most people – including myself – assumed that was finally the end of this long, drawn-out debacle. Except most people – including myself – are fucking idiots who entirely underestimated Jean Kasem‘s awfulness because his body is still sitting in a Tacoma, Washington funeral home. HuffPost reports:
Danny Deraney, publicist for Kerri Kasem, says Kasem’s children from his first marriage hope he will be buried at Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California, as he wished.
Kasem died June 15 at a hospital in Washington state. Deraney says the celebrity’s second wife, Jean Kasem, has the rights to his body but has not yet arranged for him to be buried.
In Jean Kasem’s defense, leaving Casey unattended in shitty conditions was kind of their thing, so who’s to say how long a wife should grieve her husband? — Until his limbs start falling off? Wow, that’s awfully specific. Who died and made you corpse police? Oh, right.
- Apparently Jenny McCarthy thinks celebrities cause autism. [Lainey Gossip]
- Brody Jenner doesn’t hate Kim Kardashian. He just won’t inconvenience himself for her. [Dlisted]
- Funny Girl Sex Guide: How Not To Neglect The Titties [The Frisky]
- Angie Varona has some curves. [theCHIVE]
- Sasquatch‘s heart wants what Sasquatch’s heart wants. [Fishwrapper]
- This should make up for all those shitty Archie Christian comics. [WWTDD]
- There’s a reason Cristiano Ronaldo bangs Irina Shayk. [Popoholic]
- Anne Hathaway and Kristen Stewart in drag, anyone? [Starpulse]
- You’ve gone too far, weird shirts and angles. TOO FAR! [tooFab]
- Rihanna hates America(‘s soccer team). [IDLYITW]
- What’s up, Nicole Scherzinger boobs? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Does amazing mean will bite your fingers off if they smell like Furnch Fries? Then nailed it. [Celebslam]
- Jesus Christ, Chrissy Mack posing for INKED. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed, which admittedly at first glance looks like an ad for high-end prostitution. A claim I’ll gladly refute because we don’t even get a tiny piece of the money the Kardashians earn from sex work. We do, however, earn money from the pageviews generated by your extremely time-worthy clicks on stuff like Will Smith‘s boner taking flight because space math, David McIntosh‘s boner taking flight because of Kelly Brook, and this guy‘s boner draining all the blood from his body, eventually killing him, because he’s touching Emily Ratajkowski in daisy dukes.
R.I.P. random douchey hat guy, your family will understand your worthy sacrifice,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
*gives Photo Boy a raise*
On the heels of probably true reports that she’s been showing up late, if at all, to rehearsals for “Speed-The-Plow,” Lindsay Lohan somehow arranged a BBC interview where she spewed the usual horseshit about being super serious about acting and completely done with partying. So naturally she was photographed falling down drunk at a gala last night which was the only possible way this story could’ve ended. She practically dared the universe to make this happen. Or sucked its dick. We can’t rule that out.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI
Yesterday, we saw Hilary Duff‘s butt in a bikini, and now today we’re seeing it tight jeans, and I honestly couldn’t tell you which way looks hotter. Mostly because my every thought is consumed with being suffocated by it as this plane of existence slowly drift away. Which isn’t even real anyway, so it’s not like it’d matter. To prove my point, somebody actually reads the stupid shit I write on this site, and then pays me money for it. That’s how The Matrix gets started. *touches back of head* I know your back there, you bastard plug. Show yourself!
Jezebel got a hold of the unretouched shots from Mariah Carey‘s photo shoot with Terry Richardson which I’m going to kick over to them because it’s their exclusive and I’m not a dick. I’m just a simple journalist trying to uncover the truth, and through that truth encourage people to ask themselves how many times Terry probably ejaculated on Mariah’s face for each edit because I wrote down eight. I’m going with eight.
Retouch My Body: Terry Richardson Pix of Mariah Carey Before Photoshop – Jezebel
Photo: Terry Richardson