“Guys, please, it’s just my tits and my baby. There’s nothing to see here but my tits. And my baby. Just let me- Guys! I don’t know how you knew I’d be walking out at this exact time, in this exact outfit, with my tits and my baby. Can you get out of- my tits and my baby need to get in the car! Seriously! There is absolutely nothing happening here except my tits and my baby. There’s no need for- *puts North in the car* Okay, who got the nipple shot? Anybody? Nobody? Nobody got the nipple shot? I walk out here with my tits and my baby, and not one of you gets the nipple shot? Goddammit. *takes out phone* Mom, you’ll never believe what these idiots- you already know? Kendall‘s on it? Ohthankgod. *hangs up* That’s the last time you fucking shitheads shoot my tits and my baby. I’m remembering your faces. Don’t think I won’t.”
Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Not even three weeks ago, Kelly Clarkson announced that she was going to ride the shit out of her husband who she’d only been married to for 10 days until he put a baby in her for Christmas. Which worked, so just assume he’s dead now. He died. PEOPLE reports:
The singer, 31, and her husband Brandon Blackstock are expecting their first child together, Clarkson announced Tuesday on Twitter.
“I’m pregnant!!! Brandon and I are so excited! Best early Christmas present ever,” she Tweeted.
When asked how she’d get the baby out in time for Christmas, Kelly Clarkson replied, “Simple. I’ll threaten to fuck it, too.” The child would arrive December 24 at 1:35 p.m. followed by a sibling three days later.
Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN
Much like 21 Jump Street, this was way funnier than it deserved to be, and yet here it is earning a place on my web blog next to Kendall Jenner‘s nipples. That, and if you say the words, “Channing Tatum‘s Magic Mike dance,” women will literally rocket out of their chairs like they just sat on a fire hydrant. See? There just went Jane in accounting. (She’ll stop spraying in a minute. Settle down.)
- Tom Cruise and John Travolta opened a new Scientology church in Florida. The end is nigh. [Lainey Gossip]
- Dior hates Jennifer Lawrence. [Dlisted]
- Believe In Your Selfie [theCHIVE]
- Winona Ryder confirms Beetlejuice 2 is probably happening. [Fishwrapper]
- Kylie Jenner is going to be the next Kim. I’m calling it. [tooFab]
- This is why the XBOX One will fail. [BuzzFeed]
- Miranda Kerr‘s ass is just fantastic. [Popoholic]
- Ashley Greene is being sued for burning her condo down. [IDLYITW]
- Sofia Vergara poses for GQ India. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Madonna‘s age is showing. Prepare the Lazarus Pit! [Celebslam]
- Christina Hendrick‘s breasts have to displace gravity. Have to. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Kim and Kanye eat at Wendy’s. Stars, they’re just like us! [Amy Grindhouse]
- The college buddies Adam Sandler puts in all his movies seem nice. [FilmDrunk]
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Kendall Jenner just turned 18 two weeks ago, so already it’s been 14 days too many for Kris Jenner not to get her pimp on. Which probably explains why Kendall just posted a pic of her breasts in a see-through shirt to Instagram where you can see her barely legal nipples. You’ll also notice she appears to be covered in some sort of liquid, but before everyone starts with the golden shower jokes, that could just as easily be blood from the Satanic ritual that allows her mom to enter our realm. Let’s not jump to conclusions.
Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed which is almost entirely crammed full of assholes from last night’s The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere because that was the only fucking thing happening where you’ll find a vast and diverse array of pictures from multiple events, like Jason Statham barely containing the urge to roundhouse someone’s head off, Daniel Craig on the set of Skyfall: Onto Cock, and Billy Ray Cyrus in what I can only assume is a blu eCigs ad.
Wait, it’s not? He’s just that naturally cool and hip? Whoa… *reaches into empty sarcasm bag* Yep, used it all. Fuck that douchebag,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN