While the rest of the world continues to mourn the tragic loss of Robin Williams, it falls on my journalistic shoulders to keep the Internet spinning by chronicling Michael Jackson‘s use of weaponized poop. I have a responsibility, dammit! The New York Post reports:
Neverland’s manicured lawns and fairy-tale facade masked a house of horrors and madness, five of Michael Jackson’s maids revealed to The Post.
“Michael sometimes ran around where the animals were, and he’d track . . . poop throughout the house and think nothing of it,” Maid No. 1 recalled. “Then, if you said something, he’d threaten to make doo-doo snowballs and throw it at you.”
However, like myself, Michael Jackson can’t be confined to just one medium and also dabbled in pee-pee. (I’m getting paid to write these words. There’s actual money in my bank account.) More »
- James Franco is a blonde douchebag now. [Lainey Gossip]
- Which apparently is how Kanye prefers Kim. Penis, too, probably. [Dlisted]
- The Minx In The Red Wet Dress is Valeria Orsini [theCHIVE]
- Selena Gomez‘s Teen Choice Awards speech was a little weird. [Fishwrapper]
- Ariana Grande‘s brother is a shitbag. [The Frisky]
- Goddamn, Genevieve Morton. [Popoholic]
- Why do Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick keep briefcases full of cash in their house? [Starpulse]
- Is Christina Aguilera looking at the baby, or her breasts that will slowly degorge? [tooFab]
- Luci Ford is still crazy hot. [Hollywood Tuna]
- A drunk, naked Michelle Rodriguez running through the mud, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Splash News
Legendary actor/comedian Robin Williams was just found dead in his home where he reportedly committed suicide. He was 63. TMZ reports:
According to the Marin County Sheriff’s Office … authorities found William’s body inside his home. They say he was found unresponsive.
He was unconscious and not breathing and the coroner suspects suicide due to asphyxia.
Williams was last seen alive at his house at 10 PM Sunday night.
Robin went back to rehab last month to focus on his sobriety. We’re told alcohol was an issue.
One of my very first introductions to comedy was Mork & Mindy when I couldn’t have been more than three or four. I had the Mork doll in overalls where you pulled the string and it said, “Nanoo nanoo!” and would relentlessly hound my parents to watch the show at all hours of the day way before the advent of Netflix, DVRs or even VHS, so that must’ve been a real treat for them. Anyway, yes, Robin Williams went on to make some spectacularly ass movies later in life and became an almost hyperactive parody of himself, but you could always tell he was a guy struggling to stave off some seriously dark shit with spastic comedy and kept fighting the good fight all the way into his 60s.
Thanks for making a little boy laugh with your egg ship, Mork. You earned your rest.
Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you from a three-day that didn’t start with me watching my childhood get CGI’d in the nuts, so it’s from a good place. That’s probably why I decided to fill it with uplifting images like Joe Jonas and Antonio Banderas both handling their failed relationships remarkably well albeit via completely different methods. There’s also Jennifer Nicole Lee using the “just tear the band-aid off fast approach” instead of what’s usually a shocking foreplay revelation as well as the collectible David Hasselhoff spoon, which yes, of course, is specifically designed to scoop burger off the floor.
*opens window, inhales fresh air, notices majestic, soaring hawk, looks over at Fish sitting in the corner rocking himself, muttering* “Her fucking pets…they made them her goddamn pets..”
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
In a world where Kim Kardashian‘s app makes $85 million and Michael Bay movies dominate the box office, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that Paris Hilton makes over six times the median yearly salary in the US in just one hour for pressing play. Page Six reports:
The 33-year-old hotel heiress has been living it up in in the Mediterranean where she’s taken up residency at Ibiza’s club Amnesia. Paris has reportedly made $2.7 million in the short span of four days on her two-month DJ tour.
“She’s making $2.7 million from the four nights – $347,000 an hour,” a source told The Sun (via AZ Central). “The crowds do seem to enjoy it but most are too off their faces to care that she’s simply pressed play on a Beyoncé megamix.”
When reached for comment, God responded: “What? I get bored giving little kids cancer. Sue me.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might be a childhood-raping CGI abortion that already made enough money to greenlight a sequel because you people are the fucking devil except here’s Michael Bay proving he still serves a purpose in this world and that purpose is Victoria’s Secret commercials. Sure, any idiot can point a camera at hot models, but it takes a visionary like Michael Bay to dump them in the desert to see if their bodies will explode from the heat. And if not, there’s C4 in the trunk. And under the seats. — Alright, you got him, the whole car’s made of it. “Let’s light matches and bang!”
Photos: Pacific Coast News
If you were on Facebook or Twitter for at least 30 seconds yesterday, then you probably caught wind that NASCAR driver Tony Stewart killed 20-year-old Kevin Ward during a sprint car race Saturday night in New York. The very basic information is that Stewart caused Ward to crash – as rednecks tell me is his wont – prompting Ward to walk down the track, with cars still racing, and attempt to confront Stewart whose car connected with him killing him dead. Where the heated discussions start and will ultimately ignite the next Civil War are whether or not Stewart deliberately tried to fishtail like a hardass to scare the shit out of Ward which went horribly wrong, or he actually meant to run him the fuck over, or an idiot walked into the middle of a race track and natural selection happened. Which is apparently where the police are at because they announced yesterday that there are no pending charges for Stewart. SB Nations reports:
The investigation into the incident that killed sprint car driver Kevin Ward Jr. on Saturday night is still ongoing, according to Ontario County (N.Y.) Sheriff Philip C. Povero. At present, no charges are pending against NASCAR driver Tony Stewart, whose car struck Ward. The fatality occurred at Canandaigua Motorsports Park, a dirt track located in upstate New York.
“As we speak at this time, there is no evidence in hand or no facts that would support a criminal charge or support criminal intent on the part of anybody,” Povero said.
As for why the hell I’m posting any of this, SEO? Maybe? Am I allowed to say that? It’ll help me post Victoria Secret’s models in lingerie faster. — Thought that’d get you on board. We ride!
Video After The Jump
A while back there was a quietly brushed under the rug shitstorm about Miley Cyrus appropriating black culture, so here she is stealing a black woman’s body and Photoshopping it white which should put all of that to bed. Because if there’s one way to truly a respect a race, it’s essentially saying it’d look better with your white face and skin. This is better than reparations.
Miley Cyrus Photoshopped Nicki Minaj’s Butt After The Jump