The ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Special Edition Trailer Is Spot On

December 1st, 2014 // 34 Comments
Star Wars The Force Awakens Special Edition Trailer
WATCH: 'Star Wars: Ep. VII' - Special Edition Trailer

For a change of pace (Read: I need an easy punt between posts. Sue me.), here’s the “George Lucas Special Edition” trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens which really drives home why everyone geeked out over the return-to-basics feel of the actual trailer because that shit could’ve been worse. Way, way worse. And to put some English on this awesome, here’s John Boyega‘s shutting down Internet racists who were apparently pissed about a black stormptrooper in a fictional universe full of magic and laser swords where Samuel L. Jackson and Billy Dee Williams have already played characters. Jesus Christ. It’s like you’re picking this shit out of a hat. *ruffles around, pulls out paper, reads* “Holy shit, Turks are eating Pop Tarts? TO SOME COMMENT THREAD SOMEWHERE!”

John Boyega Responds To Internet Racists After The Jump

Ray Rice Can Play Football Again

December 1st, 2014 // 55 Comments
Ray Rice Janay
Everybody Called It
Ray Rice
The NFL Doesn't Give A Shit About Women Read More »

Now that Ray Rice has been officially reinstated by the NFL, let’s see how football fans are reacting to seeing a man who knocked his fiance unconscious in an elevator successfully negotiate a delicate pat on the wrist before being handed millions of dollars to move a leather ball down a field. TMZ reports:

Didn’t take long for Fantasy Football owners to forgive Ray Rice — because just hours after he was reinstated, Ray has become the MOST picked up player in Yahoo! fantasy leagues.
As we previously reported, Ray’s fantasy stock sank like a stone after TMZ Sports published the inside-the-elevator footage back in September.
But now, according to Yahoo! “Transaction Trends” page, Ray has already been added to more than 168,000 fantasy teams … the #1 added player today … BY FAR.

FOOTBAAAALLLLLLLL!!! And while that’s depressing enough by itself, here’s Janay Rice telling Matt Lauer that it was God’s will for her to be punched out and dragged out of an elevator by a professional athlete whose employer would see to it that he faced the most minimal of legal repercussions if any at all. *kisses fingers, points to sky* Just living by His plan, y’all. TODAY reports: More »

Shia LaBeouf Claims He Was ‘Raped’ During His Performance Art Show

December 1st, 2014 // 53 Comments
Shia LaBeouf
'Metamodernist Christian'
Bring Shia LaBeouf Your Poor, Your Unwashed Read More »

Thanks to Bill Cosby, there’s been a dialog happening about the credibility of rape accusers and how the trauma of the act itself along with societal stigmas can cause them to remain silent for years, if not decades, so what better time for Shia LaBeouf to claim that some dude’s girl totally couldn’t resist “raping” him in his Fart Sniff Emporium while her man was standing right outside. You should’ve seen the look on his face! Via Dazed And Confused:

One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me… There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with dishevelled hair and smudged lipstick. It was no good, not just for me but her man as well.

And because this is the Internet, people actually started taking Shia LaBeouf seriously complete with cautions not to victim blame, and to show the type of decency that should be reserved for, oh I dunno, people who were actually raped. Because as it turns out, his art show collaborators were right outside the room and removed the woman once they heard some shit happening. Shit they won’t specify because no one dares contradict the Fartmaster, but at the same time, please do art shows with them. It’s totally safe! Via USA Today: More »

Mickey Rourke’s Boxing Match Was Probably Fixed, Call It A Hunch

December 1st, 2014 // 11 Comments
Mickey Rourke
WATCH: Mickey Rourke Vs. Elliot Seymour (Full Fight)

Over the holiday, a bunch of you wrote in to let me know that 62-year-old Mickey Rourke beat 29-year-old Elliot Seymour in a boxing match in Moscow (your first red flag). Photo Boy’s on vacation this week, so I’ll jump right to the chase, that shit was almost definitely fixed. Not to mention, if Mickey Rourke took an actual punch to the face there’d be Bogdanoff triplets now instead of only twins. That’s how they’re formed. (h/t Uproxx)

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Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Emily Ratajkowski In Lingerie Is A Good Place To Start And Other News

December 1st, 2014 // 11 Comments

- Cara Delevingne got drunk at Kate Hudson‘s house for Thanksgiving. Also, dancing. [Lainey Gossip]

- Nick Cannon may have banged several Kardashians. [Fishwrapper]

- Snooki got married this weekend. Remember Snooki? Me neither. [Dlisted]

- This may be one of the best asses I’ve seen in a while. I’m not even trying to be clever. [theCHIVE]

- And now Prince Harry hanging out with Geri Halliwell. The Ginger Revolution has begun! [The Frisky]

- Katy Perry goes commando. [WWTDD]

- Billy Corgan will turn his hate for Anderson Cooper into cat T-shirts. Why not? [Death and Taxes]

- Jessica Alba working out, anyone? [Popoholic]

- Alyssa Barbara still has giant breasts. [Hollywood Tuna]

- So does Ana Braga. [Celebslam]

- And Aubrey O’Day. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Yamamay

Let The War On Christmas Begin!

November 28th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Last year over the Thanksgiving holiday, I wrote a giant ass review of Sarah Palin’s Good Tidings And Great Joy, her bullshit book on the bullshit War on Christmas. It took me four days and over 20 hours of writing because clearly I am an idiot who hates rest and relaxation. This year, Kirk Cameron has taken the moron reins with his new movie Saving Christmas, and fuck all that, I’m watching MST3K on Netflix and drinking. So here’s Heather Dockray‘s brilliant takedown for FilmDrunk along with links to last year’s Sarah Palin book report (Again, my entire Thanksgiving break, so you’re goddamn right I’m recycling it.) and the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide for those of you looking for gift ideas and are capable of pooping gold bars: More »

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Has A Trailer

November 28th, 2014 // 37 Comments
Star Wars The Force Awakens Trailer
WATCH: 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' Official Teaser

Alright, folks, I didn’t plan on posting much today – *swings battle axe at a soccer mom at Best Buy* – but that was before Disney decided to drop the official teaser for Star Wars: The Force Awakens all over our fat turkey-stuffed faces. – *dodges broadsword, swings from rope to Small Appliances* – So there’s that above, and I’m trying really hard not to squeal with glee over here – *throws dagger at six-year-old reaching for a Skylander* – because I remember downloading The Phantom Menace trailer in Quicktime (Remember Quicktime?) and watching it obsessively because it was the closest thing to naked boobs my 18-year-old mind had ever seen. – *stuffs oily rag into propane tank* – And then Jar Jar Binks happens. – *lights fuse* – That said, you can already feel a different aesthetic here thanks to J.J. Abrams‘ eschewing George Lucas‘ green screen Temple of Doom by actually shooting on location and relying on practical effects whenever possible. Crazy, right? Just don’t let him direct the sequel. – *spins and hurls propane tank into the portable DVD players* – Anyway, enough blabbing out of me. Enjoy the trailer! – *dives into parking lot as building explodes* – Is Target open?

EDIT: As I’m watching this for the 25th time – *fires bazooka into Wal-Mart* – I can’t help but marvel at how a lot of these shots look like Ralph McQuarrie concept art from the original trilogy brought to life because if Super 8 taught us anything, it’s that J.J. Abrams can ape the shit out of that late 70s/early 80s vibe. I’ll stop talking now. – *pulls grenade pin, runs into Yankee Candle* – GIVE ME ALL THE RED APPLE WREATH.

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Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!

November 26th, 2014 // 19 Comments

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!
A Guide To Healthy Eating

Bertney loved Thanksgiving.
“It’s a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!” she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she’d leave the kitchen.
“More importantly, Bertney Jean, it’s a day to give a thanks,” Papa said while lifting Bertney out of the hamper she was hiding in. Bertney loved hiding.
“What does ‘thanks’ mean?” Bertney asked as she jumped for the can of whipped cream Papa held just out of reach. Why was he so tall? More »