The Crap We Missed – Thursday 8.28.14

August 28th, 2014 // 330 Comments

Welcome to Thurday’s The Crap We Missed which will be your last one for the week, because I’m off tomorrow and no, not to wash Fish’s car in a bikini. Again. Anyway, you’ll also notice the gallery is a little light, because when I blow off work, I go big. So, enjoy almost seeing Halle Berry‘s vagina, or totally seeing it, I don’t know, I ran away screaming “ICKY!!” before I got a good look, Will Forte‘s bird nest beard that I hope to Christ is for MacGruber 2, and Kris Jenner with Dean Cain proving beyond a shadow of a doubt he’s broke as shit, because this exact conversation happened.

“For that price, it’s either me or the big one and she’s only on sale this week until she gets reshod.”
“I don’t know, ma’am, I’m so hungry, does any of it come with bread?”

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Diane Sawyer Is Out There Blowing People

August 28th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Diane Sawyer
Previously In Blowjobs
Lindsay Lohan
An Investment Banker? Get Out Read More »

Appropriate pictures: I haz them.

Whenever I teach my non-accredited journalism course “Internet Money Make You I Can” at the local Sheraton, the first thing I teach my students is that 95% of all reporting is dicks in mouths. Later, I’ll ask for a volunteer which usually ends in me yelling, “Well, maybe if everyone stopped laughing, it’d get hard!” Except you know what? I don’t remember any of you cutting me a cashiers check for $500, so no more freebies. Anyway, thanks to Sheila Weller‘s new tell-all book The News Sorority, the Internet learned that Katie Couric allegedly liked to accuse Diane Sawyer of blowing people to get ahead, so naturally we’re all going to pay close attention to that because, circling back to my main point, dicks in mouths. Via The Daily Beast:

When Diane beat Katie on an interview with a 57-year-old woman who’d given birth to twins, Katie mused aloud, according to a person who heard the comment: “I wonder who she blew this time to get it.”

There’s also a whole bunch of anecdotes about Katie Couric wooing Walter Cronkite over dinner at her house, Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters basically vowing to murder each other, and something about Sam Donaldson getting prostate cancer, but none of those possessed a rich fellatio backstory that informs as much as it entertains. Journalism is a proud, noble profession, fuckshitbags.

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Photo: Getty

Beyonce’s Dad: ‘The Divorce Rumors Were A Hoax To Sell Tickets’

August 28th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Beyonce Is Beneath Kim
Beyonce VMAs
You Are No Longer Worthy! Read More »

So one of two things are happening here: 1. Matthew Knowles reads the Internet and saw of all your conspiracy theories about Beyonce and Jay Z‘s divorce. 2. You’re all fucking detectives who probably solve murders in Hawaii without even inviting me. Goddammit. Page Six reports:

Sometimes rumors “ignite” tours, he explained. “The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot of times. So things you see sometimes are [makes poof noise],” he said.
When asked if he thought the now famous elevator fight between Jay Z and Solange was staged, Knowles refused to go into details but said, “Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”

Okay, so they made a shitload of money in ticket sales. That’s cool, I guess, but Chris Martin got to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so I’mma let you finish, but Gwyneth Paltrow had the greatest divorce OF ALL TIME. (You know she’s saying that shit into a $48,000 Chakra mirror while conditioning her pubic hair with Allosaurus marrow. Don’t even pretend she’s not.)

Photos: INFphoto

Joan Rivers Is Probably Dead (Update: Or Not)

August 28th, 2014 // 42 Comments

Seen here making fun of Anne Hathaway‘s vagina as I’ll always remember her, Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning after she stopped breathing during surgery on her vocal chords. According to TMZ, her heart also stopped beating with no word on whether it started again, so… yeah. In related news, Lindsay Lohan and Abe Vigoda have issued a joint statement promising to tread lightly across humanity’s bones during their infinite reign. “For we are God’s cockroaches,” they said, “And God’s cockroaches shall respect those who came before even as your dust paves the streets of our kingdom of death. For as it is written”

UPDATE: According to Ken Baker, Joan has been upgraded to stable condition because apparently 81-year-old women do that after their 900th surgery. This is why I stopped pretending to be a doctor.

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Lara Bingle Is Topless

August 28th, 2014 // 56 Comments

Remember Sam Worthington? That guy who was in every single movie that came out between 2009 and 2010? It’s not important. Here’s his girlfriend Lara Bingle‘s giant naked breasts just like I promised you in the Jon Stewart post which makes me more accurate than The Bible. Not that I wasn’t already, but sometimes it’s important to point that out in a post no one’s going to read because giant naked breasts. I’m a profile in courage.

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

August 28th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Angelina Smokes Gwyneth
Angelina Jolie New Boobs
Put That In Your Quinoa, Bitch Read More »

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even counts as love at all. Fortunately, they fixed all that by secretly getting married in France over the weekend, and then surprising all of us with the news this morning because thanks to their omnipotent vantage point from Marriage Mountain, they could tell we needed a light to guide us out of the darkness. I heard Angelina Jolie even transformed into a dove. The AP reports:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married Saturday in the French hamlet of Correns, a spokesman for the couple says.
Jolie and Pitt wed in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends at Provence’s Chateau Miraval. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw flower petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.

When asked what prompted them to finally walk down the aisle, the spokesperson replied, “Honestly, I think both of them are hoping this will finally kill the other. If I had to put a label on it.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty

Good Morning, Katy Perry, And Other News

August 28th, 2014 // 25 Comments

- Justin Theroux’s Penis: A discussion. [Lainey Gossip]

- Jennifer Aniston doesn’t need kids to be valued as a woman. Which is true. It’s about breast size. [Dlisted]

- Redheads travel in packs? Perfect… [theCHIVE]

- LeAnn Rimes is a rapist. Her words, not mine. [Fishwrapper]

- What the NRA was tweeting after a 9-year-old killed an instructor with an Uzi. [Death And Taxes]

- Pandas. They’re just like us. [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer. [WWTDD]

- Megan Fox‘s ass threw out a first pitch. [Popoholic]

- Joke about Blue Ivy at your own peril. [Starpulse]

- Victoria Justice twerking her ass like Nicki Minaj. [tooFab]

- “Why can’t Putin be our president?” FOX News, everybody. [The Daily Banter]

- I’m suddenly very interested in Ice Bucket Challenges again. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass is still awesome. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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And Now Jon Stewart Going Off On Ferguson

August 27th, 2014 // 78 Comments
Jon Stewart Ferguson

The Daily Show has been on summer hiatus for the past few weeks, but it’s back and last night Jon Stewart got to work tearing apart the media coverage of Ferguson which I’m posting for three reasons: 1. It’s awesome. 2. Apparently the police in Ferguson are letting dogs piss on Michael Brown‘s memorial whenever they’re not straight running over it with their cars, so you know, fuck that. And 3. I’m killing time waiting for Lara Bingle topless pics because as the late Benjamin Franklin once said to Captain America during the Vietnam War: “If there is one thing, above all else, that elevates our discourse and fortifies our righteous rancor, it is the naked titty. For from its nip flows knowledge, truth, and the ability to forge mens souls into committing any deed. Literally any one at all.” (Full Disclosure: I may have mixed up some of the dates and key players, but you get the gist.)

Jon Stewart Goes Off On Ferguson After The Jump