Bertney Gets Serxy

October 14th, 2014 // 8 Comments

Bertney Learns To Be Serxy
A “Your Changing Body And You” Reader

Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn’t drink them anymore because they tasted like broccoli and milkshakes should never taste like vegetables.
But what Bertney loved most at the gym was running faster and faster on the treadmill until she falls down and can’t stop giggling. Sometimes the other grown-ups would yell at her, but then her bodyguard would pretend to be a bear and everyone would laugh. Bears don’t belong in gyms!
But little did Bertney know, all that running was changing her. Her tummy wasn’t as big anymore and she looked purtier in clothes. In fact, she looked so purty, she asked Papa why she had to keep wearing them all the time. More »

Kesha Sues Dr. Luke For Sexual Assault

October 14th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Kesha Goes To Rehab
Ke$ha Eating Disorder American Music Awards
Don't Call Women Refrigerators Read More »

Kesha looks unfortunate in swimsuits – Bear with me! – but that doesn’t mean she, or any woman, should ever be the victim of the shit she’s suing her producer Dr. Luke for allegedly doing. TMZ reports:

According to a new lawsuit — obtained by TMZ — Kesha claims Dr. Luke was abusive towards her almost from the get-go — when she signed on with him at 18 — and made repeated sexual advances toward her. She claims he would force her to use drugs and alcohol to remove her defenses.
In one instance, Kesha claims he forced her to snort something before getting on a plane … and during the trip he forced himself on her while she was drugged.
On another occasion, Kesha claims after forcing her to drink with him, Dr. Luke gave her what he called “sober pills.” Kesha claims she woke up the following afternoon, naked in Dr. Luke’s bed, sore, sick … and with no memory of how she got there.

Kesha also cites the abuse as the cause of her eating disorder, which sounds entirely reasonable, plus being repeatedly called “a fat fucking refrigerator” didn’t exactly help. And for the record, I’ve only said that she looks like a frog standing up which has nothing to do with weight. I’m only going deeper, aren’t I? Goddammit.

UPDATE: Dr. Luke just countersued Kesha, and his lawyer claims Kesha and her mother have already admitted the claims in their lawsuit are false and are just trying to break their contract. So let’s all agree I’m already looking better than everyone in this post. Let’s hear it for me! Hurray!

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

Shia LaBeouf’s Drunk Butt-Touching Days Are Over

October 14th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Previously In Penis Outline
Shia LaBeouf Dick Spandex Pants Girlfriend Mia Goth
Shia's Pants Were Purple In These. Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Remember last week when the artist formerly known as the actor Shia LaBeouf went on Ellen to thoughtfully reflect on society’s shared existential void, which lead him to act out, in turn leading meanie meanheads to say mean things about him on the Internet? It could have been all of that, or he was just really shitfaced on whiskey. More »

And Now Chris Brown Will Solve Ebola

October 14th, 2014 // 27 Comments
Hang Out With Chris Brown?
Suge Knight
You Will Get Shot A Million Times. These Are Facts. Read More »

“For the sake of science and shit, Imma make out with my homie right here to prove to ya’ll they lyin’.”

Posted by Photo Boy

Because dumb and batshit crazy is what passes for celebrity these days, here’s Chris Brown‘s tweet about Ebola, which according to these reports *rubs empty fingers together, makes paper rustling noises,* the World Health Organization has been eagerly awaiting. More »

Miley Cyrus Is Topless

October 14th, 2014 // 39 Comments

Considering I could draw Miley Cyrus‘ labia with my eyes shut because I’ve seen it so much – *closes eyes, doodles penguin with a top hat* NAILED IT. – it really shouldn’t be that big of a thrill that she’s wearing tiny shorts and topless on her hotel balcony in Sydney. Except it is because boobs are naked on the Internet, and we all have Alzheimer’s every time it happens. “Wait a minute. You can the see nipple part? On a computer? Well, this is new and exciting!” – How I pay my rent

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Photos: MTRX/AKM-GSI

Robert Downey Jr.’s In ‘Captain America 3′ Now

October 14th, 2014 // 29 Comments
Captain America Iron Man Avengers
Passion of The Iron Man
Robert Downey Jr. Mel Gibson
RDJ Wants Mel Gibson To Direct 'Iron Man 4' Read More »

“Hey, do I look retarded in this new suit?”
“Yup.”
“You jerk! THIS MEANS CIVIL WAR.” – Exactly how that happens, trust me

Last week, Robert Downey Jr. spent an odd amount of time openly confirming and then un-confirming Iron Man 4. Turns out he’s really starring in Captain America 3 which might as well be called Iron Man 4 because Chris Evans is basically a prop to shoot quips and rocket things at now. Variety reports:

The new pact is significant for the Marvel cinematic universe considering the plot will pit Stark against Captain America’s alter-ego Steve Rogers, played by Chris Evans, as they feud over the Superhero Registration Act, which forces anyone with superhuman abilities to reveal their identities to the U.S. government and agree to act as a police force for the authorities.
Stark supports the program, but Rogers does not, saying it threatens civil liberties, causing sides to be taken and Rogers, among others, to go on the run to avoid arrest. The moral question and battle with his Avengers teammate essentially makes Stark a villain of sorts in “Captain America 3,” providing Downey with a meaty role he could play out into future Marvel films, including a fourth “Avengers.”

If you stuck your penis in a vagina, you’re probably wondering why every nerd around you is hyperventilating, and that’s because that’s Marvel’s Civil War they’re talking about. Which almost didn’t happen thanks to Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter continuing his scorched earth campaign against anyone who dare defy him including the company’s Golden Goose: More »

Good Morning, Michelle Lewin, And Other News

October 14th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- There’s a woman with George Clooney‘s last name out there. THE END IS NIGH. [Lainey Gossip]

- Iggy Azalea is attacking the paparazzi with shopping carts now. [Dlisted]

- Girls With Future Lower Back Problems [theCHIVE]

- Goddammit, Mariah Carey, put that shit away. [Fishwrapper]

- Fuck your sentimental bullshit about life before social media. [The Frisky]

- Penelope Cruz is Esquire‘s Woman of The Year. [WWTDD]

- John Oliver has had enough of Big Pumpkin Spice. [Death and Taxes]

- Another shameless promotion for my Tumblr. [Yeah But Dinosaurs]

- Goddamn, Selena Gomez‘s legs on Ellen. [Popoholic]

- Kate Bosworth doesn’t look she’s dying. I don’t believe it. [tooFab]

- Helen Flanagan is still awesome. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Sahara Ray will vagina her way onto the Internet now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Monday 10.13.14

October 13th, 2014 // 429 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which is always a bountiful grab bag of random shit thanks to a full weekend of red carpet events where I cherry-picked famous people looking super fat, like Denise Richards or just plain dead for a decade, like Larry King. Also, Brigitte Nielsen getting shit-hammered in the driver’s seat of a car. That’s not to allege that she was drinking and driving, it just happens to be the best bar in town. Free peanuts in the glove box.

Almost forgot, Zach Galifianakis went full Jonah Hill, so look out for his supporting role in Scorsese’s next project, living in a studio apartment in a model’s vagina, constantly talking about Bobby D, or kissing the tip of Channing Tatum’s penis. *rereads* Yup, I think I covered all of them,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News