The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.29

November 8th, 2014 // 30 Comments

And The Most Important People on The Internet is back. So how’s everybody doing? How’s your weekend going so far? Maybe doing a little Christmas shopping? Well, fuck all that, because you’re sitting in front of your computer and reading horrible-ass shit about celebrities. You’re a grown up and no one can tell you how to live your life. Take it from me. – *sips coffee from Batman mug, looks around empty room, so, so empty* – You made the right choice. Now who wants to press their hands against the monitor totally for goofs and not for a desperate shot at human contact? Haha! Who even does that? (Please.)

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The Crap We Missed – Friday 11.7.14

November 7th, 2014 // 324 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed where Lindsay Lohan just made you Google ‘cost of living with HIV.’ Don’t feel bad about it, you’re not alone, but seriously don’t let her touch you, are you fucking crazy? Aside from her it’s mostly butts, a few dumb-looking dudes, and a corpse person in here, so enjoy that.

Why are you still reading this? Go, look at the butts,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Jerry Seinfeld Thinks He Has Autism

November 7th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Jerry Seinfeld

In an interview with NBC Nightly News last night, Jerry Seinfeld told Brian Williams he “believes” he has autism which naturally made the whole Internet gasp because somehow this is Jenny McCarthy‘s fault. It has to be:

“I think on a very drawn-out scale, I think I’m on the spectrum,” said Seinfeld. “Basic social engagement is really a struggle. I’m very literal, when people talk to me and they use expressions, sometimes I don’t know what they’re saying. But I don’t see it as– as dysfunctional. I just think of it as an alternate mindset.”

Of course, Jerry Seinfeld hasn’t actually seen a doctor or been diagnosed with autism, but I’m sure he took that into consideration before launching 18,000 mommy blogs about what it’s really like to live with someone who has autism that I’ll now have to see all over Facebook when I’m trying to judge people from high school or make clever observations about how much I love burritos. My time is a precious gift.

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Photo: NBC Nightly News

Heidi Montag: ‘Amanda Bynes Can Live With Me!’

November 7th, 2014 // 25 Comments

After TMZ posted photos of Amanda Bynes sleeping inside a mall because she’s essentially homeless now, Heidi Montag has graciously shoved her breasts into the press again and offered Amanda a place to stay. But if Heidi somehow thinks that’s going to make the Internet start posting photos of her giant fake breasts again, she’s surprisingly way smarter than I thought she was because I couldn’t put these up fast enough. Are people getting brain implants now? Is that a thing? I’m not going to be able to sleep until I figure this out.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Jessa Duggar Wasn’t Fucking In A Church

November 7th, 2014 // 33 Comments
Jessa Duggar Kiss Ben Seewald

Yesterday, a widely-circulated – and still uncorrected – rumor started flying around the Internet that Jessa Duggar got caught fucking inside the church immediately after her wedding ceremony. Except with just a little bit of digging, Vince Mancini at FilmDrunk easily figured out the source of the rumor, a blog called My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mother! is a satire site. Not to mention this would actually require the Duggars to be interesting instead of an army for Jesus shat out of a poor woman’s vagina which is what they literally are. Plus these kids didn’t even kiss or “front hug” out of fear that their sex parts might feed them into the maw of Satan. No, these two play shit by the book of which I happen to have a copy of: More »

Rachel Bilson And That Douchebag Named Their Kid Briar Rose

November 7th, 2014 // 16 Comments
R.I.P. 90's Boners
Mila Kunis Ashton Kutcher
Wait, Does Maitland Ward Still Count For That? Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen named their newborn daughter Briar Rose, but I’m still not sold on Hayden being the real father. I don’t remember anything about how whining into the uterus fertilizes the egg from that Miracle of Life video we watched in 7th grade. But I am now remembering the first time I put my hand down a girl’s pants and I freaked out because I thought it was going to be mauled by a buffalo. And now I’m remembering years of therapy. And now I’m remembering that alcohol was the only way to really forget. And now I’m remembering a friend saying “Hey, you wanna make some money on the Internet?”

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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Splash News

Sasquatch Butt In The Morning And Other News

November 7th, 2014 // 54 Comments

- Selena Gomez made a music video about Justin Bieber. Goddammit. [Lainey Gossip]

- Let the Cumberbaby rumors begin. [Dlisted]

- Eminem looks like this now. [Fishwrapper]

- Actual Statements Written In Patients’ Hospital Charts [theCHIVE]

- There’s a #ReaderGate now. [The Frisky]

- Genevieve Morton‘s in a bikini. [WWTDD]

- Apparently you can’t call 911 dispatchers and ask them out on dates now. Thanks, Obama. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Lais Navarro? [Popoholic]

- Keira Knightley is topless. [IDLYITW]

- Ireland Baldwin is still the hottest spawn, but Hailey‘s a close second. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Paris Hilton has sold $2 billion worth of perfume. Your God is dead. [Celebslam]

- Eva Green is the 2015 Campari calendar. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Bertney And The Key To The City

November 6th, 2014 // 17 Comments

Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader

Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky Charms in my ice cream!” she’ll tell you with glee.
But keys are very, very special. Sometimes Papa will jingle his keys in front of Bertney’s faces and before she could stop giggling, she’d wake up in bed with a new boyfriend. It was always very exciting.
“Now listen closely, Bertney Jean,” Papa said while Bertney thought about a butterfly she saw by the swing set. It had white dots on its wings! “Today, you’re going to receive the Key to Las Vegas, and it is a very special honor.”
Bertney didn’t know what any of those words meant, but she did know that keys can open doors. And aren’t food. That one took a while for her to learn. More »