It’s Jeff Goldblum’s 31-Year-Old Fiancee In A Bikini

July 16th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Previously In Bikinis
Lindsay Lohan Bikini
These Aren't Helping. I've Made A Mistake. Read More »

“Hey, everyone look at my new wife I found!”
“Thank you, sir, I was out there for weeks after falling from that boat. I’m so very hungry.”
“Isn’t she lovely?”
“Sir, please, I’m losing consciousness.”
“Wanna see me kiss her?!”

Yup, nailed it.

Photos: Fame/Flynet

Thor’s A Woman And Captain America’s Probably Black #ThanksObama

July 16th, 2014 // 81 Comments
Wallace Did It First
Michael B. Jordan
The Human Torch Is Black Read More »

In the same week that saw Archie gunned down in a mall shooting saving his gay best friend from a right-wing nut, Marvel announced on The View yesterday that Thor‘s a woman now. And according to writer Jason Aaron, “she’s not She-Thor or Lady Thor. She’s not Thorika. She is Thor. This is the new Thor.” So there you have it, and from a man whose first Thor arc was a goddamn masterpiece (I’d almost say it’s his magnum opus, but Southern Bastards only just started.) On top of that, Joe Quesada is making another big Marvel announcement on The Colbert Report tonight, and all signs are pointing to that being a Black Captain America, so somewhere a KKK candy kitchen just exploded. Now how do I, a long-time comic reader with his virginal penis tucked safely in a Mylar bag, feel about this? Exactly like I did when Wallace became The Human Torch: I don’t give a shit as long as the story is good. You could make Spider-Man a transgender koala bear who smacks gossip bloggers in the face with his 25 dicks, and I’d go, “Great. Awesome. How’s the story?” after suing you for stealing my fan-fiction. Just stealing it so hard. These characters were created in a time when they had to be predominantly white, straight males or else they wouldn’t sell because the golden, white picket fence age of America that Obama clearly stole from us with his nigger-knife was racist as shit and crazy misogynistic. Not only could you beat and maritally rape your wife with abandon, but you could divorce her, take the kids and leave her dirt poor while a judge politely offers you a smooth Pall Mall for the drive over to your mistress’ place. And some of you just teared up reading that, didn’t you? Goddammit.

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Photo: Esad Ribic/Marvel

‘Aw Yeah, Lindsay Lohan Bikini Pics!’ – Nobody

July 16th, 2014 // 26 Comments

Because once you write about one coke-monster, you kind of want to write about them all, here’s Lindsay Lohan swimming off her hangover in Ischia yesterday. And if these seem spectacularly disappointing, you should see the Kate Upton bikini pics we couldn’t afford. I’m talking her giant breasts were falling out and everything. I’m not safe to be around right now. *flips over desk, tries to harvest Photo Boy’s plasma with a spork*

Photos: Splash News

Here’s Charlie Sheen Drunk Off His Ass In A Taco Bell Drive-Thru

July 16th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Charlie Sheen Drunk Taco Bell
WATCH: Charlie Sheen Drunk At Taco Bell

Charlie Sheen‘s currently in the middle of a custody spat with Denise Richards which seems odd because who wouldn’t want this guy near their children? Look at how politely he stumbles over to random strangers in a Taco Bell drive thru and starts showing them his tattoos. You can’t just teach something like that out of a book. Kids need a father. An example. (Via)

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So Casey Kasem Hasn’t Been Buried Yet

July 16th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Casey Kasem
R.I.P. Casey Kasem
Casey Kasem
The Nightmare's Finally Over. But Not Really. Read More »

When Casey Kasem died exactly a month ago, most people – including myself – assumed that was finally the end of this long, drawn-out debacle. Except most people – including myself – are fucking idiots who entirely underestimated Jean Kasem‘s awfulness because his body is still sitting in a Tacoma, Washington funeral home. HuffPost reports:

Danny Deraney, publicist for Kerri Kasem, says Kasem’s children from his first marriage hope he will be buried at Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California, as he wished.
Kasem died June 15 at a hospital in Washington state. Deraney says the celebrity’s second wife, Jean Kasem, has the rights to his body but has not yet arranged for him to be buried.

In Jean Kasem’s defense, leaving Casey unattended in shitty conditions was kind of their thing, so who’s to say how long a wife should grieve her husband? — Until his limbs start falling off? Wow, that’s awfully specific. Who died and made you corpse police? Oh, right.

Photo: Getty

Good God, Anais Zanotti, And Other News

July 15th, 2014 // 20 Comments

- Apparently Jenny McCarthy thinks celebrities cause autism. [Lainey Gossip]

- Brody Jenner doesn’t hate Kim Kardashian. He just won’t inconvenience himself for her. [Dlisted]

- Funny Girl Sex Guide: How Not To Neglect The Titties [The Frisky]

- Angie Varona has some curves. [theCHIVE]

- Sasquatch‘s heart wants what Sasquatch’s heart wants. [Fishwrapper]

- This should make up for all those shitty Archie Christian comics. [WWTDD]

- There’s a reason Cristiano Ronaldo bangs Irina Shayk. [Popoholic]

- Anne Hathaway and Kristen Stewart in drag, anyone? [Starpulse]

- You’ve gone too far, weird shirts and angles. TOO FAR! [tooFab]

- Rihanna hates America(‘s soccer team). [IDLYITW]

- What’s up, Nicole Scherzinger boobs? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Does amazing mean will bite your fingers off if they smell like Furnch Fries? Then nailed it. [Celebslam]

- Jesus Christ, Chrissy Mack posing for INKED. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 7.15.14

July 15th, 2014 // 326 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed, which admittedly at first glance looks like an ad for high-end prostitution. A claim I’ll gladly refute because we don’t even get a tiny piece of the money the Kardashians earn from sex work. We do, however, earn money from the pageviews generated by your extremely time-worthy clicks on stuff like Will Smith‘s boner taking flight because space math, David McIntosh‘s boner taking flight because of Kelly Brook, and this guy‘s boner draining all the blood from his body, eventually killing him, because he’s touching Emily Ratajkowski in daisy dukes.

R.I.P. random douchey hat guy, your family will understand your worthy sacrifice,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Lindsay Lohan’s Totally Changed, You Guys

July 15th, 2014 // 57 Comments
Of Course She Is
Lindsay Lohan Fake Tan Scratched Legs Minidress Sister Ali
Lindsay's Fucking Up 'Speed-The-Plow' Already Read More »

*gives Photo Boy a raise*

On the heels of probably true reports that she’s been showing up late, if at all, to rehearsals for “Speed-The-Plow,” Lindsay Lohan somehow arranged a BBC interview where she spewed the usual horseshit about being super serious about acting and completely done with partying. So naturally she was photographed falling down drunk at a gala last night which was the only possible way this story could’ve ended. She practically dared the universe to make this happen. Or sucked its dick. We can’t rule that out.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI