Shia LaBeouf Just Had An Existential Crisis, You Guys, He’s All Better

October 10th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Shia LaBeouf
WATCH: Shia LaBeouf Is All Better Now
Better? Or MK Ultra'd?!
Shia LaBeouf Paper Bag On Head Nymphomaniac Volume I Premiere Berlinale International Film Festival

For roughly two years now, counting the Marilyn Manson and butterflies on his penis days, Shia LaBeouf has been a walking performance art twatwaffle who mostly was just plagiarizing anything he could get his hands on. Eventually all of that culminated in him being arrested at a Broadway performance of Cabaret for slapping people’s asses because it turns out he wasn’t so much an artist as a really, really drunk asshole. Except here he is on Ellen being remarkably candid and polite while saying incredibly lucid shit about people writing online. (For example, yes, I am extremely empty inside. Nailed it!) So here’s that for you to watch while trying to remember a Shia LaBeouf who filmed women puking for sport and would threaten death to dinner interlopers at the drop of a hat. Was it all just a dream? An autistic child’s dream?

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Gwyneth Paltrow Wants Obama To Get Up In That

October 10th, 2014 // 46 Comments
You're Her Competition?
Gwyneth Paltrow
Bitch, Martha Stewart Owns A Drone Read More »

Chris Martin has a super-cool new girlfriend, so it behooves Gwyneth Paltrow to one-up him because conscious uncoupling is some hardcore shit. Which brings us to the President of the United States who, granted, is married, but if there’s one thing Gwyneth has taught us it’s that you can cut monogamy out just like gluten. Us Weekly reports:

She went on to talk about the importance of sustainable energy sources, and to praise Obama’s support for equal pay which Paltrow (who Forbes estimates earns an amazing $19 million a year) said was, “very important to me as a working mother.”
Then, overcome with nerves, the actress stumbled a little before passing the microphone off to the President, telling him flirtatiously, “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”

Forget the Obama shit. (Unless you’re Michelle, in which case, join forces with Martha Stewart. No mercy, no surrender.) Did Gwyneth Paltrow just call herself a “working mother” again? Goddammit. YOU’RE NOT HELPING. It’s one thing to say as a woman, or a considerate human being in general, that you’d like to see women receive equal pay. But when you go, “Well, as a working mother…” as a team of nannies watches your children in one of your several houses on different continents, it becomes way too easy to dismiss a legitimate topic because now it’s about Gwyneth Paltrow. And if there’s one thing people hate, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow. If given a choice between Gwyneth Paltrow or Ebola, they’d take their chances with Ebola. Provided they’re white.

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Photos: FameFlynet

Amanda Bynes: ‘My Dad Asked To Have Sex With Me’

October 10th, 2014 // 39 Comments

Up until an hour ago, Amanda Bynes‘ Twitter was the usual grab-bag of escalating crazy: She really needs plastic surgery, the tabloids make her look ugly on purpose, people need to get off her nigga dick, etc. etc. And then things got really, really dark: More »

Stephen Hawking’s On The New Pink Floyd Album

October 10th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Stephen Hawking

And right out of the gate. I didn’t even hesitate.

So BlackManUSA brought it to our attention that Stephen Hawking, world renowned physicist and unabashed pussyhound, is doing guest vocals on the new Pink Floyd album, and I shouldn’t have to tell you how we spent our entire morning. It’s a sickness. We need help.

Stephen Hawking In The Studio With Pink Floyd After The Jump

Good Morning, Ana Braga, And Other News

October 10th, 2014 // 3 Comments

- Robert Downey Jr. misses Sarah Jessica Parker, is clearly addicted to horse-racing. [Lainey Gossip]

- Ryan Gosling‘s child bears a name. [Dlisted]

- It’s A Talent Just Breathing In These Dresses [theCHIVE]

- Gwyneth Paltrow wants to be besties with Jennifer Lawrence now. [Fishwrapper]

- Red Bull didn’t literally give people wings, so it lost a $13 million lawsuit. Yup. [The Frisky]

- Mayhem Miller live-tweeted his police standoff. [WWTDD]

- Dwarf strippers are knocking up brides at bachelorette parties. There’s hope for the future. [Death and Taxes]

- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Yara Khmidan. [Popoholic]

- Anne Hathaway posing “topless.” [tooFab]

- More Helen Flanagan Amazingness [Hollywood Tuna]

- Sara Malakul is naked. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

Jan Hooks Died (1957 – 2014)

October 10th, 2014 // 39 Comments
Jan Hooks

Growing up, we didn’t have cable until I was 12 or 13 which would’ve been around 1992-93. I remember geeking out every time we went to my grandparent’s house because they could afford it and I’d watch Nickelodeon for fucking hours. Anyway, with both my parents working this left me with unfettered access to Comedy Central, a burgeoning new channel that for years was nothing but SNL reruns, The Kids In The Hall and Mystery Science Theater 3000 which I devoured the shit out of. And thanks to that, I saw some classic comedians perform like SNL veteran Jan Hooks who died yesterday at 57. So this post is a moment for her, and a thanks for playing a part in my developing years becoming a wiseass (underneath celebrity boobs).

Rest in Peace.

Jan Hooks In ‘Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure’ After The Jump

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 10.9.14

October 9th, 2014 // 333 Comments

Welcome to Thurday’s The Crap We Missed where I’ve once again lead the gallery with Emily Ratajkowski, which you wouldn’t judge if you’ve also contemplated murdering someone with salad dressing (we’re talking laughing out loud at the though of a death rattle produced by drowning someone in creamy Italian) because they happened to be the fiftieth customer that day to ask about the list of dressings that every goddamned restaurant in the world has, you have no clue what I’ll do to keep this job.

Let London mayor Boris Johnson drive me around while pointing a loaded gun at my face, you say? *tosses him keys, spins revolver* Let’s dance,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News