The Crap We Missed – Monday 11.10.14

November 10th, 2014 // 443 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed where I boldly make a claim that will send shock waves through the universe which is populated by the fourteen or so regular people who click through and comment on every one of these pics. But before we get to that, can I start you guys off with a little Bradley Cooper going full Elephant Man? Maybe a plate of sad Chris Brown, or some Holy shit, Dennis Franz is alive? for the table to share? You know what, who am I kidding? I’m being torn apart inside…

Oh, my sweet sausage-fingered Prince, what have I done to us?! What have I done??!!

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Bertney’s Special New Berfend

November 10th, 2014 // 17 Comments

Bertney’s Special New Berfend
A Learning About Genders Reader

Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald’s, Johnny Rockets, McDonald’s again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E. Cheese. It was always very fun, and Bertney could never wait to find out who was driving her next. Even if it meant taking a bath.
Bertney didn’t like baths, but she always tried her bravest for Papa even when Mrs. Esperanza didn’t use the soft warshing stick. Getting a bath was part of being a grow’d up, and Bertney really wanted to be a grow’d up.
“Grow’d ups get to have babies and a big fancy wedding,” Bertney told Jayden that morning. “I never had any of them things a’fore, but I bet they’re all kinds of fun!” More »

Those Are Khloe Kardashian’s Nipples

November 10th, 2014 // 24 Comments

I used up all my word juice on the Bertney post, so for these pics of Khloe Kardashian‘s nipples at French Montana‘s birthday party all you get is me saying, I thought Sasquatches birthed litters. Why aren’t there six of them? Now enjoy these spilling into the pics of her insane buttpud because I love/hate you. (Whichever applies.)

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Photos: Splash News

Nick Jonas Having Sex Broke The Internet

November 10th, 2014 // 9 Comments
That's Not Very Christian
Nick Jonas Dick Underwear Flaunt
'Let's See Where This Goes' - Catholic Priest Read More »

The Jonas Brothers used to be a squeaky clean pop band who wore purity rings and were terrified of girls. Now they’re grabbing their dicks, doing whatever the hell it is Joe Jonas does with his time, and fucking on camera for TV shows. Which brings us to Nick Jonas‘ sex scene for Kingdom where he – *snorts* – I’m sorry, he – *pbbfttt* – plays an MMA fighter – BAHAHAHAA! – who’s addicted to sex. And might be gay!

When a fan asked Jonas if he would ever consider doing a nude scene for a project, the performer revealed, “Oh, I just did a lot of nudity.” He added, “Yeah, there was like three or four sex scenes [in 'Kingdom'].” Jonas also hinted that his character may be questioning his sexual orientation in future episodes. He explained, “Another little thing is my character has a big storyline… revolving around his sexuality.”

So there you have it. The Jonas Brothers are filming sex scenes and basically coming out of the closet which means a dragon with the head of a goat should bathe this world in fire any minute now. Or is there still a seal left to break? Because I’m pretty sure this covers it. – *flips through Revelation* – Yup, right here. Jonas Brothers fucking. – *snaps Bible shut* – What? Why do you need to see it? You don’t trust me?

Joe Jonas Sex Scene After The Jump

Selena Gomez’s Breasts Wore This

November 10th, 2014 // 16 Comments

There’ve been enough awful posts over the past two weeks that everyone should know how this works: I write about something terrible like child abuse, and then follow it up with pictures of sexually attractive celebrities so everyone’s distracted with an erection and/or how simple and disgusting men are. It’s fucking crazy effective. On that note, here’s Selena Gomez at a benefit for victims of sex trafficking, so it’s completely appropriate that I’m talking about how great her breasts look. It’d be rude not to.

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Photos: INFphoto, MPNC / STMX / The Grosby Group / AKM-GSI, Splash News

In Response To Adrian Peterson’s Super Dad Tweet

November 10th, 2014 // 6 Comments
Adrian Peterson Super Dad
That Was Just One Kid
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
Adrian Peterson Has 100 More That He Beats Read More »

The “whooping” – as Peterson put it when interviewed by police – occurred in Spring, Texas, in May. Peterson’s son had pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game. As punishment, Peterson grabbed a tree branch – which he consistently referred to as a “switch” – removed the leaves and struck the child repeatedly. The beating allegedly resulted in numerous injuries to the child, including cuts and bruises to the child’s back, buttocks, ankles, legs and scrotum, along with defensive wounds to the child’s hands. Peterson then texted the boy’s mother, saying that one wound in particular would make her “mad at me about his leg. I got kinda good wit the tail end of the switch.” Peterson also allegedly said via text message to the child’s mother that he “felt bad after the fact when I notice the switch was wrapping around hitting I (sic) thigh” and also acknowledged the injury to the child’s scrotum in a text message, saying, “Got him in nuts once I noticed. But I felt so bad, n I’m all tearing that butt up when needed! I start putting them in timeout. N save the whooping for needed memories!”

SUPER DAD!

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