The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 8.27.14

August 27th, 2014 // Leave a Comment

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, your daily repository for all the hateful shit you’d totally say to these celebrities’ faces if given the chance. Something like “Hey Guy Fieri, sweet denim chef coat. I hope it somehow gives you AIDS,” or maybe “Oh wow, you’re Howie Mandel! Congratulations on being the lamest part of a show that also features Nick Cannon.” I bet if you were right here with George Clooney, you’d probably say “What’s that? Jean Dujardin just told you the difference between a French and an American marriage? Haha, yeah…”

Or maybe just stuff about peeing in butts, I don’t know, you guys do it better than I do,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kanye West: ‘My Dad Was A Paparazzo’

August 27th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Beyonce Is Beneath Kim
Beyonce VMAs
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“Why does one of them keep yelling, ‘I just want to see my granddaughter!’ instead of taking pictures of my tits? Kanye? — Kanye?

So remember in The Empire Strikes Back when everyone finds out Darth Vader is Luke’s father? This is sort of like that except way, way stupider because only hands got cut off in Empire instead of tone-deaf accusations of being treated like a pre-civil-rights African-American. TMZ reports:

During deposition for the suit filed by Daniel Ramos … Kanye told Ramos’ attorney, “My father was a paparazzo himself.” He added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.”
Kanye said he respects some of the paparazzi and gets along with them from time to time, but accused Ramos of asking him about “dumb s**t.”

And if there’s one person who should be the arbiter of what constitutes “dumb shit,” it’s the man who called Kim Kardashian his “dinosaur” and equates getting his picture taken with forced sexual intercourse. That’s a level of intelligence you don’t just fire random questions at. His mind’s a fine-tuned instrument that should only be used on the most next level of shit. And you’re damn right I’m talking about leather jogging pants. They’re jogging pants made out of leather.

Photos: Splash News

Nina Dobrev’s In A Bikini, Probably Banging Alexander Ludwig

August 27th, 2014 // 6 Comments

My knowledge of Nina Dobrev pretty much starts and ends with she’s on not-True Blood, and I had to Google who the hell Alexander Ludwig even is. So here’s the two of them together because this site is a goddamn collision course of superstar fame provided there are butt photos. On that note, I don’t know what else you expect me to add here, but if it’s Ian Somerhalder holding a cat, you’re barking up the tree. — It’s over here. He truly, genuinely loves them. You can really tell.

Photos: FameFlynet

No, Wait, Megan Fox, South Korea’s On Our Side!

August 27th, 2014 // 9 Comments

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is an epic shitbomb of pure fuck-dumb, so here’s Megan Fox dropping it on South Korea yesterday because who needs allies? Amirite? That whole North Korea thing will probably sort itself out. Plus we’re still holding all the Dennis Rodmans. I dare anyone to defy us.

Photos: Getty

Nick Cannon Left Mariah Carey Because She’s Crazy

August 27th, 2014 // 19 Comments
Mariah Has All The Money
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Here’s Nick Cannon after visiting his kids yesterday where he surprisingly didn’t leave the building with a trident sticking out of his chest considering he’s telling people he’s the one who left because Mariah Carey is goddamn crazy. TMZ reports:

Nick has made it clear to all involved … he’s deeply concerned about Mariah’s emotional state and is ending the marriage for the well being of their kids. He believes the environment around Mariah is toxic and fears for his kids.
We’re told Nick believes his kids have already shown signs of emotional upset living with Mariah.
Our sources say Nick’s MO is simple … he wants to create an environment separate from Mariah that gives the kids a safe haven from the “chaos” at her home.
Nick is also telling his people he’s deeply concerned about Mariah’s mental health and believes her people don’t care about anything but her ability to make money and pay their salaries.

Of course, if you’ll notice the kids are still with Mariah, and she had a lovely, friendly dinner with Nick the other night because she has all the money and a vagina, so I hope he enjoys jumping through hoops. Although, these ones are only metaphorical which beats the shit out of those flaming ones that always scorched his tuxedo, but that bitch and her damn gun… Anyway, it’s important to stay positive. For the kids.

Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Have Time For Beyonce

August 27th, 2014 // 21 Comments

We already know Kim Kardashian checked her phone during the Ferguson moment of silence at the VMAs and now comes word that she bailed before Beyonce‘s acceptance speech which, judging by the Internet’s reaction to Beyonce’s performance, practically makes Kim Hitler now. Assy Hitler. Hollywood Life reports:

An eyewitness source who attended the VMAs tells HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY, “I saw them leave before Beyonce started her speech. They were checked out for the whole show. They left right before she talked and Jay Z arrived to give her the award.”

According to Celebuzz, apparently Kim is so over Beyonce now because she bailed on her wedding and doesn’t think Jay Z‘s worthy to be friends with Kanye. Which is odd considering Kim’s done everything in her power just to sniff Beyonce’s hair and even made it into a blurry concert pic with her. So to give up now when she’s so close to locking her in an old refrigerator and drinking her blood (Can you tell I’ve been watching Luther?) just reinforces what I’ve always said about the Kardashians: Let me know when Kylie’s 18. They’re lazy. Pure lazy.

Photos: Getty

Anais Zanotti & Ana Braga In Bikinis And Other News

August 27th, 2014 // 2 Comments

- Gwen Stefani was at the Emmy’s too. I had no idea. [Lainey Gossip]

- Those are Paula Patton‘s nipples. [Dlisted]

- Downblouses: Somehow They Always Found Me [theCHIVE]

- Courtney Love looking her best still frightens my penis. [Fishwrapper]

- Nick Cannon‘s dad might be talking shit about Mariah Carey. [The Frisky]

- Suge Knight ain’t no rat. [WWTDD]

- Nicole Scherzinger in tight jeans makes the Ice Bucket Challenge palatable. [Popoholic]

- Kim Kardashian‘s breasts will collide with Kat Dennings’. [Starpulse]

- Ellen DeGeneres and Chelsea Handler showering together, anyone? Didn’t think so. I’m sorry. [tooFab]

- Sofia Vergara doesn’t give a fuck. [IDLYITW]

- Nina Agdal poses for Mambo. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Bianca Gascoigne is still in a bikini. [Celebslam]

- That’s Keira Knightley topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 8.26.14

August 26th, 2014 // Leave a Comment

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring JLo doubling down on butt, because if you haven’t heard butts are the new tits. Except for Kim Kardashian. We still find her ass grotesque in every possible way and wish it would hurry up and eat her entire family as foretold in Revelations. We’ve also got Miley Cyrus instagramming screenshots from her dad’s gay-for-pay days and Paula Patton bouncing back strong from her marriage’s failure by going commando in a see-through dress in public.

“Daddy, look! Mommy’s boobies are on the TV!”
“That’s not your fault son. Sometimes mommies and daddies have to be apart for a while.”
“No, I know, she said she was going to show them to everyone because of your dirty thingie.”

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News