Alice Eve reportedly got engaged to her high school sweetheart, but instead of talking about whatever the hell I just said back there, I’m going to remember all those times her breasts were on the site while they were promoting Star Trek Into Darkness, and I’d gratuitously add this topless GIF because I still believed in the power of journalism. I don’t know where that fire’s gone, but dammit, I’m bringing it back!
Alice Eve Topless GIF (NSFW) After The Jump
Because getting swatted at by Orlando Bloom (for a good reason) makes you look like a sad puppy, Selena Gomez is apparently over banging European dudes and/or Cara Delevingne at the same time and back to thinking Justin Bieber won’t screw whores behind her back. So here’s the two of them leaving Bible study Wednesday night in a since-deleted Instagram photo he posted with the caption, “Right now everything else is a blur.” The Daily Mail reports:
‘The pair sat next to each other while partaking in Bible study and seemed very close. They then left together in Bieber’s car.
‘Justin looked really comfortable with Selena as he still thinks their bond is unbreakable and knows that Selena will always love him.’
He took to Twitter later to post: ‘God is good’, which was retweeted by his fans 68,000 times.
God then replied, “Oh, I’m good alright. Good at hating Selena Gomez! Amirite? High five! Anyone? — Ah, you guys suck. JESUS! Tell your mother to get me a beer.”
- Hopefully Reese Witherspoon didn’t have to pronounce any stupid French last names. [Lainey Gossip]
- Katy Perry admits she isn’t very smart. You fucked John Mayer. We know. [Dlisted]
- Meet the Chivettes of ChiveFest Denver [theCHIVE]
- Khloe Kardashian can officially add “gun-toting video ho” to her resume. [Fishwrapper]
- Sveva Alviti is some model that’s topless. [WWTDD]
- If You’re Privileged And You Know It, STFU [The Frisky]
- What’s up, Jordana Brewster? [Popoholic]
- Apparently Robin Williams had Parkinson’s. Awkward. [Starpulse]
- Wait, Donald Trump has a hot 20-year-old daughter? [tooFab]
- Hello, Josephine Skriver… [Hollywood Tuna]
- Jessica Alba cleans up well. [Celebslam]
- Even Miley Cyrus is pretending to be a lesbian now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Mickey Rourke‘s hilariously fake hairline, Yanni‘s incomprehensible throng of tween fans, and that dude who drank jizz in American Pie taking a selfie onstage with Blues Traveler for some reason. What’s that? Stifler was the dude who drank the jizz? You’re forgetting that I have a drinking problem I’m the guy whose job it is to find random asses and post them online. How much satisfaction are you really going to get by pointing out my stupidity?
Enjoy reevaluating your life choices for the rest of the afternoon,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Yesterday, we posted about a New York City waitress who claimed Kendall Jenner threw money in her face after she stormed out of the restaurant when management refused to serve her alcohol. Except now Kendall’s suing the waitress although not denying that she was at the restaurant or “accidentally” walked out. TMZ reports:
Singer says in the letter … what actually happened was that the waitress did come up to her outside but Jenner was “extremely apologetic” and gladly paid what she owed — $33, plus a $7 tip … which she “politely handed” to her.
Singer says, “Although you are working as a waitress at Mercer Kitchen, I understand you are also a struggling actress,” adding, “You no doubt concocted a fictionalized account of your encounter with my client in order to create publicity for yourself.”
And while all that sounds like a plausible scenario lawyers are paid well to bring up, here’s where Kendall shoots her entire defense to shit on Twitter:
these rumors r absolutely ridiculous! I would never throw money in anyone’s face or act that disrespectfully. I was raised better than that
You were raised by a woman who orchestrated the release of your half-sister’s sex tape so the entire family could get on TV and sell you and your younger sister’s souls for millions of dollars and a rapper’s baby as a retirement plan. So a more convincing response would’ve been: “I would never throw money in anyone’s face or act that disrespectfully. I was raised by literally anyone but my mother. A pack of stray dogs one time.”
Get it? Because she’s both literally smoking and figuratively looking attract- Never mind. Here’s Lourdes Leon in Cannes yesterday where I want everyone to take careful note that I’m not at all suggesting she’s smoking marijuana. There could be anything inside that rolling paper, and I for one am certainly not hinting, hey, maybe it’s weed. Let’s nip that right in the bud – that Lourdes is not smoking. On that note, I need to circle my house with goat’s blood before her mother sees- holy shit, that was flapping. I just heard flapping. I didn’t even hit publish yet! Oh, god, her talons are so sharp!
Photo: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI
Yesterday, there was a big to-do over Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss possibly being lesbian lovers after Gawker reported on The Daily Mail pulling down a piece about them living together which could just as easily be explained by the fact that they don’t. Except that still leaves unanswered questions like why hasn’t Taylor Swift written a song lately about a boy who dumped her for planning their wedding on the second date? And if they’re not lesbians, how come I can see them having sex when I close my eyes? Also, there’s the matter of this: More »
Despite being a noted Christian author and purveyor of fine vulvic goods, somehow Farrah Abraham recently took a waitressing job at an Austin strip club where she mysteriously started taking her clothes off for money. It was the strangest thing and not like her at all. E! News reports:
“She was hired a couple of weeks ago as a cocktail waitress but wanted to make more money dancing, so they moved her up to the stage,” the insider dished. “She was on all three stages, the main stage and two side stages.”
But don’t worry, you guys, there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this, and it’s Farrah Abraham is exactly like Jennifer Aniston. I already feel stupid for thinking it could be anything else. I should know better. More »