The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.12

April 5th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which you’re surprisingly still getting after I wrote a giant nerd novel about Captain America: The Winter Soldier for I am a kind and benevolent blogger of celebrity boobs with a splash of Commie pinko talking points. And we’ve even got a special comment below thanks to USDA Prime McBeef’s epic table of contents for Farrah Abraham‘s “In The Making”, part one of her Celebrity Sex Tape trilogy because Hitler and Christians were right. We need to burn books. Books have gone bad. I’ll get the lighter fluid.

Farrah Abraham ‘In The Making’ Table of Contents After The Jump

Goddamn, I Need A Nerd-Cigarette: A Review of ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’

April 4th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Captain America The Winter Soldier

For the past few weeks, the advance word on Captain America: The Winter Soldier is that it’s as good as The Avengers if not the best Marvel movie to date. It even made curmudgeony ol’ fusspot Jeff Wells‘ heart grow three sizes as it should have because the hype is real. Winter Soldier is the best Marvel movie to date that smacks you around like a vibranium shield to the dick. Which sounds more painful than pleasurable, but shh, shh, that’s in the past now. It’s in the past.

The Superficial Review of ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ After The Jump

We Went To The Movies And All You Got Are These Jennifer Metcalfe Bikini Photos

April 4th, 2014 // 46 Comments

Alright, folks, apparently the summer blockbuster season starts the first weekend of April now, so by the time you’re reading this Photo Boy and I are on our way to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier where there will be no hand holding or butterfly kisses. I don’t care what that hobo we paid to film us says. He’s a drunk. So while we do that, and you wait with bated breath for my review later today, here’s whoever the hell Jennifer Metcalfe is. (The bikini pickins were slim. Sue me.) And if that does nothing for you, below is Conan O’Brien giving Jordan Schlansky a cowboy makeover which should immediately send you plummeting down a YouTube hole to find more of him because my God:

Conan Gives Jordan Schlansky A Cowboy Makeover After The Jump

Lindsay Lohan’s Telling People She Was Supposed To Be In ‘The Avengers’ Now

April 4th, 2014 // 43 Comments
Guess Who's Broke Again
Lindsay Lohan Jimmy Fallon
$2 Million Barely Buys You Any Coke, You Guys Read More »

In a new episode of her reality show, serial liar Lindsay Lohan claims she was supposed to be in The Avengers, but her manager screwed the whole thing up by “not pushing hard enough.” Oh, and also they wanted an “unknown,” so it would’ve never worked because she’s Lindsay Lohan: Movie Star. Except Uproxx expertly deduced that the only possible role she could’ve been, but absolutely was not, up for is Maria Hill which went to Cobie Smulders, the star of a long-running, popular sitcom and not in any way an “unknown” beneath Lindsay Lohan. So just to put all of this in perspective, here’s what Lindsay Lohan was doing in late 2010/early 2011 while Cobie was consistently and professionally showing up for work and Marvel was looking at actresses: More »

Isn’t Miley Cyrus Already A Porn Parody?

April 4th, 2014 // 32 Comments

You’d think a porn parody of Miley Cyrus would be redundant, but fortunately the fine folks in the adult film industry have yet to meet a product they couldn’t slap dicks and butts into which is why I’m patiently waiting for Backdoorgammon XXX and You Sunk My Battledick. Anyway, below is a crazy NSFW link to the trailer for Molly’s Wrecking Ball a porn parody of Miley Cyrus’ life starring Miley May who should probably never occupy the same space as as our universe’s Miley, or else the very fabric of existence will vagina diddle itself right the fuck out. I don’t know who brought her over, but I have a pretty good hunch.

Molly’s Wrecking Ball Trailer – (NSFW)

Photos: Twitter

Good Morning, Paige Butcher, And Other News

April 4th, 2014 // 11 Comments

- Anthony Mackie knows how to promote a movie. [Lainey Gossip]

- Katy Perry‘s little sister is the Ginger Devil. [Dlisted]

- In Life There’s Underboob And Then There’s Everything Else [theCHIVE]

- Farrah Abraham apparently believes she looks like Jessica Alba. [Fishwrapper]

- Kate Upton‘s fancy now. [Popoholic]

- ‘There’s Probably Semen On That’: 3 Days At The AVNs [FilmDrunk]

- Meeting Lady GaGa was on Bill Murray‘s bucket list. Stop respecting him now. [tooFab]

- Lauren Dally does FHM Turkey. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Want To “Save Marriage?” Stop Telling Woman What To Do [The Frisky]

- The rest of Miranda Kerr‘s topless GQ shoot. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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The Crap We Missed – Thursday 4.3.14

April 3rd, 2014 // 335 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed which will be your last one for the week as a result of Fish and I shit-canning tomorrow to go see Captain America: The Winter Soldier for uh, important scientific research. *shoves beaker down pants, puts on goggles* So, I made sure to include your favorite targets like Pope Francis presenting his finest year orphan urine to Queen Elizabeth, and Gerard Butler just now realizing that people basically use the ocean as a giant port-a-pott– EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER!!

Check back later tomorrow for Fish’s review which will in no way be nothing but a minute by minute rundown of exactly when and for how long Scarlett Johansson‘s boobs get screen time,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN