Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed, a much lighter selection (Haha, get it? She’s starving herself to death!!) than yesterday, although still rife with celebrity whorery and Khal Drogo hypnotizing you into following he and his demon bride into the portal to Hell.
*walks toward red light* Wait, I don’t deserve this! *remembers every day of this job for past three years* Nevermind, I’m good to go. Is my condo ready?
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Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress
A Read-Master Adventure
Ever since Bertney was a little girl she never liked bras.
“Papa, if Baby Jesus made boobies to hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections, shouldn’t they hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections?” she had asked each and every morning for 22 years.
“Now, Bertney Jean,” Papa would say in his serious voice. “You know what happens when you go outside without them.”
“Demons,” Bertney would sigh. “Demons’ll happen.” But that didn’t stop her from taking it off while her bodyguards were driving. And sometimes even when Bertney was driving. It was her special magic trick!
One morning in particular, Bertney really wanted her boobies to hang free, so she put on a special dress and slipped out the door while Papa was busy counting his piles of money he makes from letting berfriends do silly things to her special spot. They always made such goofy faces! More »
This fiancee right here. (Adding… Haha! The sink’s like a dick.)
Charlie Sheen got engaged to Brett Rossi last weekend which was widely reported along with the fact that she’s a porn star. Except not anymore because Charlie Sheen’s making an honest woman out of her, and everyone knows that makes some sort of magic happen where penises didn’t repeatedly enter her vagina on camera for money. The Warlock can’t believe you puke-maggots don’t know that. Radar reports:
“It’s absolutely making Charlie crazy that the media keeps referring to Brett as a porn star, because she no longer is doing that. She recently graduated from nursing school,” an insider told Radar.
“Furthermore, her stage name is Brett Rossi, her legal name is Scottine Ross. He wants people to refer to her as Scotti, which is the name she goes by in her personal life. Charlie has told his publicist to tell media outlets to stop calling her a porn star.”
In Charlie Sheen’s defense, this is the woman he’s going to marry for love and not because she immediately wants a kid in her that guarantees her a house like Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards got. Haha! Where would you get that from? More »
True Detective is the goddamn highlight of my week, and probably the greatest written, acted, and directed season of television that any of us will ever see. Which is why I hate to reduce it to just another show where hot chicks get naked, but I’d also hate to not have clicks on my titty site that lets me afford HBO and sit around in my pajama pants reading theories for hours on end. A man’s game charges a man’s price, and yes, I just came using that line. Anyway, here’s Lili Simmons the latest – SPOILER ALERT – actress to bang Woody Harrelson‘s Marty Hart, who you can also see in Maxim, and more importantly, this clip of her butt. A butt which if you want to know my True Detective theory, is probably Cthulu. It has to be.
Lili Simmons In ‘True Detective’ After The Jump
We’ve got industries contaminating water supplies, rampant unemployment, a laughing stock of an education system, yet discriminating against homosexuals and making sure whores don’t get their whore pills are the top priorities of the American right because it’s still winning them elections despite being a feeble attempt to delay an inevitable future where rich, white, Christian men have pretty much the same amount of power they do now except queers can get married, so let’s torch the whole country. Which brings us to to Firefly and Chuck actor Adam Baldwin who, in 2014, thinks that same sex marriage is a gateway to incest. Via HuffPost: More »
Yesterday, Robin Thicke and Paula Patton announced they’re separating which seems odd for a couple in a totally “chill” open marriage because it’s not like that’s a concept entirely based on at least one person being tired of fucking the other. It has all the elements for success. People reports:
“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time,” the couple tell PEOPLE on Monday in an exclusive statement.
The pair, who first met when Thicke was 14, have been married since 2005 and welcomed son Julian Fuego in April 2010.
Of course, some people might say that suggesting your husband star in a sexy video with Emily Ratajkowski probably isn’t the smartest thing to do for your marriage, and those people are correct as shit. Have you seen this thing? There are Catholic priests watching it who haven’t touched their child dungeons for days. Days.
The Unrated Video For ‘Blurred Lines’ After The Jump