Yep, that’s really Bill Clinton with a couple of 100% certified prostitutes.
Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which, surprise, is a whole ton more Oscar shit. Fortunately, a lot of it is from the after parties where Lady Gaga got molested by that Versace guy and Olivia Munn got molested by Jane Fonda. Outside of that you got the standard front boobs, side boobs, “Fuck, I stepped on my cock again!” and inexplicable Richard Grieco appearances you’ve come to crave like the beating vein of a jugular to a vampire.
Drink up, my pretties,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
According to my data, most of you spend your weekends living full, productive lives interacting with friends and family who love and care about you and your accomplishments instead of living in a womb of your own device filled with comic books, video games and masturbatory derring-do. But enough about Photo Boy, here’s George Lopez in case you missed him passed out shit-faced drunk on the floor of a Canadian casino where he performed the next night like nothing ever happened. TMZ reports:
Law enforcement sources tell us Caesars Windsor security alerted police to the Lopez situation — presumably after they found him on the floor — and officers subsequently arrested him
inside the casino bar at Caesars Windsor.
No charges are being filed against Lopez — we’re told he was pretty much dumped in a drunk tank to let him sober up.
George later joked that he did to Canada what Justin Bieber does to America, so someone should probably get the Canadian version of Mariah Yeater a rape kit. The man just admitted it on tape!
I just dropped the most horrible news you’ll ever hear in your life into your lap, so to make up for that here are 25 shots of Candice Swanepoel‘s spectacular ass in a bikini. Think of me as a drill sergeant who breaks you apart only to rebuild you again except without any clear, discernible goal and/or purpose in mind. Especially not one that has something to do with all the fertilizer in my basement. I don’t know what you’re talking about. NOW DROP AND GIMME TWENTY.
‘Fore we even get started up here, let the platinum records show that my boy B-Bare is the stone cold, numba one pussy slayer. Bitches be gettin’ wet just thinkin’ ’bout him, and he be wettin’ them bitches just thinkin’ ’bout them. It’s a wizardry y’all don’t know nothin’ bout which is why it’s a mothafuckin’ HONOR that he wants to give Selena Gomez another chance to get her titties slathered with his maple sizzurp. My boy, the smoothest Don Jon Delillio, has busted out some beautiful words of such romance, mothafuckas on the street will speak of dem fo’eva in hush puppy tones. “Lil Romeo and Julielakeeshaette,” will be the whispers ricochetin’ out da ghetto where B-Bare rains supreme as its darkest king. Break it off, Syrupnose De Burger-rack: More »
Here’s Christina Hendricks looking noticeably less chesty at Elton John‘s Oscar party which means she either got a breast reduction or we have no fucking clue how female undergarments work. (I didn’t believe that last one either. *resumes trying to unhook bra from mannequin* C’mon…) The important thing is nobody made any rash decisions and screamed to the heavens that they’d cockslap God right in the eye for what has happened here this day. Now if you’ll excuse me, my entire house is on fire some reason. Photo Boy, quit being a pillar of a salt for a minute and open a window for Chrissakes. What’s a matter with you?
Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN
I pretty much made my feelings on the Oscars known last night – Although, kudos to Rust Cohle for his work as an undercover AIDS patient. – so here are the best red carpet pics Photo Boy could find while I sat in the corner making beer can men and mumbling how we’ll do this again next year and for all eternity. Which is a lie to make me sound badass because knives are sharp and give me ouchies. I don’t touch the things.
P.S. Enjoy the landmine we left for you. You’ll know when you find it.
By the end of February, even Hollywood’s sick of awards show, so here’s The 2014 Independent Film Spirit Awards which happens every year the night before the Oscars. I don’t know what exactly separates the two events, but I do know that Angelina Jolie showed up with her new boobs and Krysten Ritter and Paula Patton looked pretty fucking hot. What else do you want from me here? A treatise on truth in cinema? Because you’re talking to a guy who watches Ted any time it’s on HBO. It’s a miracle I don’t jump up and down and clap every time the teddy bear talks.
Photos: Splash News