Once You Get Lindsay Lohan, There’s No Cure

September 5th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Lindsay Lohan Meryl Streep

Yesterday was Throwback Thursday, and if you have no idea what Throwback Thursday is, it’s the day of the week when I find out how many of my Facebook friends have way too many old pictures and free time on their hands. On that note, here’s Lindsay Lohan‘s contribution which reminds everyone that in 2006, it was acceptable for Meryl Streep to pose with her on magazine covers. Which would probably explain why I just received a statement from Meryl’s rep that claims around the time of this shoot she had a terrible drinking problem and made “regrettable life decisions that will haunt her until the day she dies.” It also goes on to say that she “thankfully” didn’t kill anyone, but she recognizes this photo is “within that same ballpark.”

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Elisabeth Moss Is In A Bikini

September 5th, 2014 // 25 Comments

If you’re like me, you wake up pretty much every morning wondering what Peggy Olson would look like in a bikini. Except here she is wearing one in Italy, so now we can move onto new thoughts like, “I wonder what would happen if I lit everyone my enemy loves on fire?” Or, “Should I try that new Thai place?”

You’re welcome.

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Gone Full Jew

September 5th, 2014 // 25 Comments
Goop Bucket Challenge
Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini Ice Challenge
We Get It, You Look Good In A Bikini Read More »

After once referring to herself as a “Jewish princess” due to her family belonging to a Eastern European rabbinical dynasty, Gwyneth Paltrow has apparently stopped dicking around with Kabbalah and fully converted to Judaism. And before someone makes a joke about how she just wants to keep working in Hollywood, I’ll have you know Gwyneth Paltrow launched her career through sheer grit and also being the goddaughter of Steven Spiel- you know what? Let’s just put a pin in this. Page Six reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow is converting to Judaism after her conscious uncoupling with husband Chris Martin, sources tell Page Six.
The actress is quietly converting after years of following Kabbalah, which originated in Judaism, and being friends with Michael Berg, co-director of the Kabbalah Centre.

And while Gwyneth will bring up the rich Jewish ancestry on her father’s side to make it sound like this is her artisanal destiny, her mother’s side is Pennsylvania Dutch which practically makes us relatives and I’m about as Jewish as a pork chop. — Did anyone just hear a scream? Did it sound like bloody murder? Perfect.

Photos: Getty

War Machine Is Innocent Because War Machine Is A Fictional Character, Dummies

September 5th, 2014 // 16 Comments
War Machine
I'm The Dog, The Big Bad Dog
Christy Mack War Machine
Who Only Caught Your Snakes Read More »

Last month, MMA fighter War Machine allegedly beat the holy living shit out of his ex-girlfriend porn star Christy Mack before attempting to rape her. He quickly went on the run only to be captured by police after a witness saw him allegedly beating another woman outside of a Simi Valley hotel. He’s now in court pleading innocent to all charges including a bunch of additional ones he’s apparently been wanted for which all sound about right. FOX Sports reports:

Sua said he and attorneys Matthew Terry and Brian Watkins intend to fight the charges that also include burglary, battery constituting domestic violence, sexually motivated coercion and witness tampering.
War Machine is accused of using a knife during some of the incidents that date to May 2013.

But before everyone gets carried away here, War Machine’s lawyer wants everyone to keep in mind that War Machine is a fictional character and you can’t arrest fictional characters. Which I’m pretty sure is where he’s going with this:

”I think the public will understand that War Machine’s a character,” War Machine’s lawyer Brandon Sua said outside court. ”He is controversial and people need to understand where to draw that line from his character as War Machine and a person as Jon Koppenhaver, because that’s who he is.”

“Yes, Jon Koppenhaver plays the character War Machine, but that’s only for TV and promotional purposes. As for this ‘War Machine’ who’s out there violently beating women, let the record show that a Mr. Don Cheadle has twice gone by that alias and also happens to be black. I can’t imagine the police wouldn’t be interested in that information. Pretty interested indeed…” *sticks thumbs in suspender straps, rocks back and forth*

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Joan Rivers: An Awesome Old Cunt Who Didn’t Give A Fuck (1933 – 2014)

September 5th, 2014 // 58 Comments
Joan Rivers

Let’s pay some respects: Legendary comedian Joan Rivers died yesterday one week after going into cardiac arrest during surgery on her vocal chords. She was 81 years old and lived a fucking hell of a life. A life I’m now going to debase by citing her career as the groundwork for this site even though I wouldn’t call myself a comedian as much as some asshole on the Internet. That said, Joan had a special brand of not giving a fuck and wasn’t afraid to say anything for a joke without no regard for “PC bullshit.” A phrase I goddamn hate using because normally anyone using it is exactly one step away from saying, “Not to sound racist, but…” except with Joan you absolutely knew everything was 100% for the sake of a joke and not some deep-seeded bigotry. She was a constant zinger machine (and underrated prop comic) which gave her a reason to live through 800 surgeries. Unfortunately, she didn’t die the way she wanted, sitting on George Clooney‘s face, but one time she did go on Howard Stern and ripped apart Chelsea Handler‘s entire career. Which really isn’t anywhere close to George Clooney oral sexing a now-plastic vulva, but it seemed like a nice thing to say at the time.

Rest in Peace, Joan.

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Photo: Getty

Jesus Christ, Yasmine Colt, And Other News

September 4th, 2014 // 11 Comments

- Justin Timberlake is probably cheating on Jessica Biel again. [Lainey Gossip]

- Kanye ain’t gonna like this. [Dlisted]

- I have not paid nearly enough attention to Jen Selter‘s ass. [theCHIVE]

- James Franco apparently shaved his head. [Fishwrapper]

- Will Smith dancing on a Segway at Burning Man, anyone? [The Frisky]

- Poop Baby is your new Internet God. [Death and Taxes]

- Anne Hathaway kind of still has her Catwoman butt. [Popoholic]

- Bran‘s storyline won’t be in the next season of Game of Thrones. Thank fucking God. [Starpulse]

- Somebody tell The Joker to stop tweeting bikini pics. Goddammit. [tooFab]

- Jennifer Lawrence released a hot new pic. [IDLYITW]

- Andrea Calle‘s ass is still awesome. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Ryan Seacrest‘s girlfriend doesn’t stand a chance. [Celebslam]

- Good God, Alexa Vega. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

All Things Begin And End With Coco

September 4th, 2014 // 34 Comments

Last Friday when things really started to go pear-shaped, Coco was there to guide us into the darkness. And now that we’re slowly exiting the darkness, it’s only fitting that she’s here to guide us back into the light. Also, Photo Boy cropped these like four days ago, and butts are money. But enough Kierkegaard, we seem to be back in business and Natalie Dormer’s vagina didn’t crash us into next week, so things are looking good. In the meantime, maybe visit our fine quality link partners below who got robbed of a link post today while I continue tidying up the place and prepare for our first full day of business since, holy shit, last Thursday. As for how I’m not homeless right now, The Fappening. The Fappening saved everything. And yet I hear talks of lawsuits and FBI investigations. I thought this was AMERICA.

Lainey Gossip | Dlisted | theCHIVE | Fishwrapper | The Frisky | WWTDD | Popoholic | Starpulse
tooFab | IDLYITW | Hollywood Tuna | Celebslam | DrunkenStepfather

Photos: Splash News

BREAKING: Natalie Dormer Flashed Her Panties. Two Days Ago.

September 4th, 2014 // 13 Comments

Now that I finally have a fully functioning web portal to publish bold, unrelenting journalism in a world that’s afraid to speak truth to power, or at least wave a nipple in its face, I can finally comment on the biggest, most prominent pop culture event of the past 24 hours: Namely Natalie Dormer getting out of a car and you can totally see her underwear. I mean, my God, talk about a story that practically slaps you in the face with its acerbic wit only to die a week later after coming out of a medically induced coma. I don’t why I chose those words. They just come to me.

Natalie Dormer’s ‘Game of Thrones’ Nude Scene After The Jump