That’s Jessica Johnson To You

July 15th, 2014 // 4 Comments

Because weird Instagram photos that she actually thinks are sexy is Jessica Simpson‘s new bag, here she is announcing to the word that she’s Jessica Johnson now. Which seems sad at first, until you realize there’s no possible way anyone could’ve explained what a mark is without her going, “Haha! That’s a boy’s name.” Then again, the two-year-old might get it and start stashing money away in her dollhouse. Someone fetch me my puppets. — What? You don’t have puppets? That makes you the weirdo, not me.

Photos: Instagram

Quick, Check Selena Gomez’s Breasts For Scars, And Other News

July 14th, 2014 // 18 Comments

- I hope they name this one Usurp Gingerbottom after his uncle. [Lainey Gossip]

- Christopher Walken will be your tap-dancing Captain Hook. [Dlisted]

- Girls With Future Lower Back Problems [theCHIVE]

- Nicole Richie has a fashion empire while Paris Hilton is still pulling shit from 2005. [Fishwrapper]

- Here’s how the first day of The Opie & Jim Show went. [The Daily Banter]

- What’s up, Mayra Suarez? [Popoholic]

- Lindsay Lohan is fucking delusional. [Starpulse]

- Get a good look at Kristin Cavallari‘s son before he dies from whooping cough. [tooFab]

- Nina Agdal in yoga pants. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Terry Richardson shot an entire issue of Playboy. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: AKM-GSI

The Crap We Missed – Monday 7.14.14

July 14th, 2014 // 577 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed in which a momentous occasion — 844 days in the making — has taken place. Prince Charles shat in another jet and if you’re trying to picture the joy this brought me, just forget it. There aren’t enough baby pools or Jell-O or matching Speedos for Fish and I to wear in the world that could ever bring me to this level of ecstasy. I mean sure, I also found clear before and after evidence that Gerard Butler got butt-sexed around a plastic shitter, and I also got Kayte Walsh desperately trying to use the new texting feature for 911. Do you think any of that matters to me?

*stands outside Buckingham Palace, holds stereo over head*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Christian Author Farrah Abraham Wants You To Buy Her Pocket Pussy

July 14th, 2014 // 90 Comments

You probably know Farrah Abraham from her upcoming book on Christian parenting, so you shouldn’t be surprised to learn that like most Christ-loving authors, she also has a line of erotic sex toys which she launched over the weekend by licking them right in the rubber vulva. A move she learned from none other than T.D. Jakes. Or was it Max Lucado? Either way, remembering my parents’ bookshelf is fun!

Farrah Abraham’s Sex Toys After The Jump

Jenny McCarthy Has A SiriusXM Show Now

July 14th, 2014 // 18 Comments

Jenny McCarthy has huge, fake tits that people want to look at while ignoring every single word that comes out of her mouth, so naturally SiriusXM hired her for a radio show. (To the Anthony Cumia fans who said it’s run by idiots, you win.) It’s almost like they don’t realize that talking is a manufacturer’s defect, and eventually she’ll be recalled once enough kids die. Of course, one should’ve done it, but that’s America for you. Go, capitalism!

Photos: JAYO/AKM-GSI, FameFlynet

It’s Safe To Ask Katherine Heigl If She’s Difficult Now, She Can’t Do Anything

July 14th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Remember Katherine Heigl?
Katherine Heigl Cleavage Congressional Coalition On Adoption Institute Gala
Of Course You Don't Because Her Mom Sucks Read More »

For those of you don’t remember Katherine Heigl – which is understandable – she was once an aspiring actress who catapulted to fame by starring in Knocked Up and the ABC drama Grey’s Anatomy only to publicly shit on both projects before starring in a series of repetitive romantic comedies with each one tanking harder than the last. On top of that, her mother Nancy was a constant, ball-busting presence on sets which is why Katherine is not only doing network television again, but being asked questions about how difficult she is directly to her face which is exactly what happened this weekend. Even better, someone asked how the hell her mom is an executive producer – with Nancy sitting right there. EW.com reports: More »

HILARY. DUFF. BIKINI. PHOTOS.

July 14th, 2014 // 42 Comments

If you’ve been following the site lately, then you’re probably aware of my recent obsession with Hilary Duff. Shit, I invited you all to the wedding. (Still need those RVSPs.) And if you work for law enforcement, then you’ve probably been waiting for me to slip up, so you can finally land that restraining order. So here’s that, and I’ll just go ahead and handcuff myself in the front yard to save everyone the rush. Love has no regrets!

Photos: FameFlynet

JWoww Has Birthed

July 14th, 2014 // 12 Comments

If anyone still cares about the survivors of Jersey Shore, somehow JWoww gave birth to a baby girl despite being made of enough space-age polymer to go on a moon mission. And for those of you keeping track of the apocalypse, Snooki‘s second baby should be here shortly bringing the horsemen count to three, so if you’d look out your windows, you should see crops turning to dust as famine takes hold upon the land. However, this will only affect real food, so don’t worry, you can still go to McDonald’s. Suckle cock, Revelation!

Photos: AKM-GSI, INFphoto