Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which caps a day of class acts and great decision-making, so why not keep that rolling, starting with Scarlett Johansson who’s posting selfies online again because that’s something that’s never gone completely off the rails for her before. Then there’s Mario Lopez posing with mini Kim and Kanye who’s impression is slightly off since Lil’ Ye (Oh, that happened.) seems to not be fleeing the country. We’ve also got Beyonce‘s ripped and filled-with-real-baby belly, as well as these two BFFLs who totally think she’s looking over here, tee-hee!
I’m declaring the comment, “Holy shit, Bob Barker‘s still alive?!’ invalid on this one, because he’s clearly not. Maybe something about the crypt-keeper, or Sarah Jessica Parker‘s hands? I don’t know, you guys’ll figure it out,
- Photo Boy
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“God, are all the bowties this itchy? Just power through, Steve. Power through.”
Tori Spelling‘s father was one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in television and even she had to eventually resort to reality television after the 90210 royalty checks dried up. So how the hell Ian Ziering made it almost two decades before breaking down and becoming the world’s oldest, bone-faced Chippendales dancer is a goddamn miracle. On that note, I’m not entirely sure who the market is for something like this, but I bet he hears a lot about cats named Edward now. “And so of course I named the kitten Renes- HEY. I paid for my 15 minutes, Steve Sanders! Or is Brandon in trouble at the Peach Pit? Go to him!”
Photo: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN
Hayden Panettiere appeared on The Graham Norton Show Friday night along with Robin Thicke and Pharrell who, according to her Twitter, talked her onstage to dance during their performance of “Blurred Lines.” In fairness, that’s the only way she’ll tell you how to find her treasure. More importantly, this gave me an excuse to embed the unrated video for “Blurred Lines” (Thanks, Niki.) which is literally the entire point of the post. I don’t even have a joke about giant penises.
‘Blurred Lines’ Unrated Version After The Jump
Some background: Last month former Miami Dolphin Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson was arrested after violating his probation from his 2012 domestic violence arrest when he headbutted his then-wife Evelyn Lozada after she found a receipt for condoms in his car. Jump to today where Chad’s lawyer was literally about to seal a deal that would keep him out of jail until he decided to slap his male lawyer’s ass in the courtroom which went over awesome with the judge. TMZ reports:
During the hearing, the judge and Chad’s lawyer were about to finalize the terms of Chad’s punishment — terms that were pretty favorable to Chad.
But the whole thing fell apart at the last minute, when the judge asked Chad if he was satisfied with his attorney — and the ex-NFL star reached back and playfully slapped his lawyer’s ass.
Chad smiled … the court erupted with laughter …. but the judge wasn’t amused.
In fact, the judge found the move disrespectful — and lashed out at Johnson … asking him if the whole proceeding was a “joke” to him.
Johnson replied, “I had no intent to make this a joke, because my life is in shambles right now.”
The judge — who lost her patience — suddenly announced that Chad’s deal was OFF … and kicked him out of the courtroom.
And by kicked him out of the courtroom that would be to jail because he’s in jail now. Although, in Ochocinco’s defense, at least he didn’t hit a woman this time which is exactly the kind of argument that proves I should be a lawyer along with “Oh, what, ’cause he’s black?!” and “Well, excuse me for living.”
Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News
In theory, Joanna Krupa‘s bachelorette party should be depressing because it means I’ll never have a chance to con her into thinking I’m a wealthy flan magnate (Or does it?), but at least I can take comfort in knowing that if I’m not having sex with her, neither is anybody else. In fact, if I were her fiancee, the next couple of days would be a good time to start going, “So, listen, about this pre-nup…” before he finds himself alone in a basement writing dick jokes on the Internet as hours become days and days become years and before you know it, the same dick you’ve been joking about to total strangers is now just a grey pile of mush that not even you want to touch and then you’re dead. — I mean, congratulations!
Photos: ELMO JAYO/AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Justin Bieber is a pretty, young, female singing sensation, so you’d just assume that would override such niceties as underage drinking laws. Except that would also be assuming he’s not an obnoxious little shit who everyone fucking hates, so here’s a magical fairy tale about him getting bounced out of Lure Saturday night. E! News reports:
“Someone from Justin’s team had come earlier in the day and told the club that he would be showing up. The club told him they wouldn’t let him in because he’s not 21,” a source tells E! News. “Bieber came anyways and tried to sneak in through a back door.”
However, J.B. got the bust when rapper Game gave him a shout out while on stage—oops!
“The Game was on the mic at this point and saw Bieber trying to get in and shouted that Bieber was on his way inside,” the source added, “That’s when security saw him and escorted him out immediately. He left right away, he seemed really embarrassed.”
Wait. How did The Game know it was Justin Bieber coming in? I thought black people all looked the sa- *gets tackled by Photo Boy*
Photos: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News