Olivia Wilde’s In A Bikini

December 9th, 2014 // 10 Comments

It’s been a contentious time of race relations, the horrible alleged crimes of once-beloved idols, and the long-simmering debate of whether or not little people should be given a gun and a badge. So here’s Olivia Wilde in a bikini for no other reason than she’s in a bikini. I’m not even mentioning that she just had a baby. If you want to focus on that, that’s on you. Me? I’d rather know how Jason Sudeikis found one of those staffs Jafar uses to hypnotize people. Can you get one on eBay or is that more of a Craigslist thing? Shoot me an email.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News

Mark Walhberg Wants To Be A Cop. In Real Life.

December 9th, 2014 // 28 Comments
Mark Wahlberg
Marky Mark vs. 9/11
Mark Wahlberg
Had He Been There, Totally Different Story Read More »

Over the past few days, Mark Walhberg has been trying to get a pardon for his 1988 assault conviction when he beat a Vietnamese man in the head with a wooden stick leaving him blind in one eye. But Marky Mark goes to church every day now and opened a restaurant with his bruddas, so he totally deserves one. Plus it’d be a wickid pissah if he got it, so he can finally join da force and shoot smahtass little fuckahs beatin’ people wit’ sticks and whatnaht. Just like in da movies! TMZ reports:

Mark is still a felon, and he wants to join a L.A. area police force as a reservist. The problem … he’s not eligible because felons can’t handle guns and it’s generally frowned upon in cop shops.
We’re told Mark has become interested in police work as a result of researching roles for movies, including “The Other Guys,” “Max Payne” and “The Departed.”

In Marky Mark’s defense, he does have a history of racially-induced violence, unrealistic aspirations of actual police work, and delusions of fighting terrorists, so clearly he’d make a fine officer and any department would be honored to have him – if it were in fuckin’ Tiny Town. Who da fuck are you gonna put in a fuckin’ chokehold, Mahky? A gahddamn Smurf in a ski mask? Get outta here.

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Kate Hudson’s Single

December 9th, 2014 // 15 Comments
I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghost
Kate Hudson Bikini Butt
Kate Hudson's Butt Sees Dead People Read More »

I’ll use any excuse, even ones with ghosts, to put Kate Hudson‘s butt in a bikini in a post, so here’s PEOPLE announcing she’s called off her engagement to Matt Bellamy:

“Kate and Matt have been separated for some time now,” Hudson’s rep tells PEOPLE. “Despite this, they remain very close friends and committed co-parents.”

Matt Bellamy was last seen in a hotel room crying while kissing couch cushions and telling himself, “It’s the same. This is just the same! Who needs girls?” because I like to pretend rock stars react to stress the same way I do only with more hookers and coke. “You! Over there. – *snoooooooort* – Don’t just stare at Dane Cook. Star in a romantic comedy with him! – *sniff* – NOW. *flexes in mirror*

UPDATE: Too late. She’s banging Derek Hough already. You gotta be quick.

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Photos: FameFlynet

Ariana Grande Loves ‘Big Black Balls’

December 9th, 2014 // 25 Comments
Sexy Christmas Pageants?
Ariana Grande Butt Legs Miniskirt Heels KIIS FM Jingle Ball
What Kind of Elementary School is This? Read More »

While performing during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, America’s favorite eighth grader Ariana Grande apparently told Ed Sheeran that she enjoys bouncy balls which he turned into a perverted joke about giant black testicles because the British are always trying to make scrotum jokes involving children. I’ve watched your BBC, sir! Via E! News:

“It was fun, but I kind of felt like the hobbit in the elven kingdom!” Sheeran joked. “Can I tell you why I was laughing? Basically, there were all these big inflatable bouncy black balls that are bouncing around in the crowd on the finale bit. Ariana Grande comes and stands up next to me and just looks at me and goes, ‘I love big black balls.’ … “In my head I was like, ‘If she knows what that means, then I love her, and if she doesn’t know what that means, it’s even better!” the 23-year-old added.

When asked if she does know what that means, Ariana Grande responded, “Of course, I do. R. Kelly comes to my school all the time. I’m not stupid.”

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Photos: Splash News

Karrueche Tran In A Bikini

December 9th, 2014 // 20 Comments

The last post was some god awful shit, so here’s the inspiring tale of Karrueche Tran, a young girl who basically stuck her head in a lion’s mouth to get famous and somehow survived long enough to pose for bikini photos as soon they broke up to keep her Q factor high. That’s way more life-affirming than some magic baby. The magic baby’s turnt up. (Am I using that right? Can babies turn things up for the what? Let me into your world!)

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News, Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Witnesses A Murder/Suicide, Goes To Clippers Game

December 9th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Floyd Mayweather Jr. Clippers
Coping Mechanisms
Floyd Mayweather Bath Assistant
The Champ Has Them Read More »

Yesterday morning, rapper Earl Hayes shot his wife Stephanie Moseley then himself over an alleged affair with Trey Songz which already is fucked up by itself. Except apparently he did it while FaceTime-ing – not just talking on the phone – with Floyd Mayweather Jr. who heard everything. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us … rapper Earl Hayes called Floyd on FaceTime Monday morning in a rage, over claims his wife — VH1 star Stephanie Moseley — had been unfaithful.
According to our Floyd sources, Earl said he was going to kill his wife. The champ was pleading with him to get a grip … to no avail. Floyd will not say how much he saw, but he acknowledges he was a witness and heard everything.
Floyd is in shock and is having extreme difficulty dealing with the fact that he witnessed a horrifying murder/suicide.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. was so broken up that he still went to last night’s Clippers game (above), but in fairness, we all process grief differently. For example, I would’ve spent the entire day shrieking like a woman and yelling, “DEATH! DEATH! IT’S A BOX OF DEATH!” at my phone before wondering why my best friend FaceTime’d me instead of just calling like a normal human being. I’m not a woman with a newborn to look at or a child missing his grandma, and yes, this is the best time to talk about this. We can’t keep avoiding this conversation.

EDIT: Inevitably some shitbag is going to pipe up that this proves black people are violent and the Eric Garner/Darren Wilson decisions were justified, so here’s a white guy from my home state who just got caught murdering his stepdaughter and filming himself having sex with her corpse because all crackers are thugs.

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Photo: Getty

Good Morning, Ela Rose, And Other News

December 9th, 2014 // 6 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

- Scarlett Johansson freestyle rapped at Vice’s Hipster Pilgrimage. [Lainey Gossip]

- Chris Pratt will soak all the Internet panties now. [Fishwrapper]

- Taylor Lautner went to a gay bar. [Dlisted]

- Tugging on your clothes is an automatic pass to the nice list. [theCHIVE]

- Someone took the time to figure out what Santa Claus‘ salary would be. [The Frisky]

- Alessandra Ambrosio‘s butt did yoga. [WWTDD]

- A Fox contributer claimed the Rolling Stone UVA rape story was part of a liberal conspiracy to “romanticize being a victim of rape.” [Death and Taxes]

- Whitney Port keeps wearing bikinis. [Popoholic]

- McKayla Maroney‘s 19 now. Here’s the best of her Instagram from last year. [COED]

- Here’s that chick Michael Bay banged (It’s the only way we refer to her.) in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]

- And here’s Adrian Grenier shirtless. Remember that time his dick smelled? [Celebslam]

- Edita Vilkeviciute is topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet