The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 11.12.14

November 12th, 2014 // 386 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, starting with Courtney Stodden‘s Veteran’s Day tribute in which she naturally felt the best way to show our troops gratitude was to flash them an old transvestite man’s tucked penis in a bikini. If that offended you — and if you possess a U.S. passport by all means it should have — wait until the Final Five where not only does a company actually try to use sex to sell coffins, but it’s a Polish company to boot.

As citizens of the great nation that built The Ultimate Whoring Machine, we should all be ashamed that we didn’t come up with that first,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Kim Kardashian Is Showing Off Her Ass Before She Gets Pregnant Again

November 12th, 2014 // 49 Comments
Goddammit, Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler Naked Butt Kim Kardashian
Put Your Naked Butt Away, Too Read More »

So remember the beginning of Raiders of The Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is running away from the giant boulder? Picture my day exactly like that except Indy just turns around and goes, “Aw, fuck it.” TMZ reports:

Kim Kardashian shot the instantly iconic ass photo because it’s her last stand before getting pregnant again … TMZ has learned.
We know Kim is telling close friends and family she’s about to get pregnant again, and wants to show off her body before the weight gain. She’s proud she dumped the weight after North was born and wants to show her tight figure off.

What’s every single post about? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. Who’s texting you? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. What’s that on TV? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. Who’s messaging you on Facebook? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. What do you want for dinner? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. Who’s the greatest NBA player of all time? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT!

And we’ve officially broke the FISHernet: More »

Chelsea Handler’s Butt Is Naked Now

November 12th, 2014 // 32 Comments

Despite claiming to quit Instagram not even two weeks ago after her naked breasts were pulled down three times (Not a milking joke.), Chelsea Handler is back already. Only this time with her naked butt which she thinks is somehow mocking Kim Kardashian‘s even though that would take no less than 15 of Chelsea’s taped together and slathered in oil. Real comedians commit to their jokes, and I’m not saying that to be sexist. I’d tell Sarah Silverman the exact same thing. If she’s not on her period.

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Photo: Instagram

ESPN Ripped Off Daniel Tosh, Here’s His Response

November 12th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Daniel Tosh

Because there should be at least one post that isn’t about Kim Kardashian’s naked ass, here’s Daniel Tosh calling out ESPN for ripping off his Web Redemption segment so blatantly they didn’t even change the name. That’s like robbing a bank then walking around dressed like the Beagle Boys. And yes, that was a Duck Tales joke which is what happens when I shift from ass humor too quickly. You’re all lucky to still be alive. (h/t Uproxx)

RELATED: Didn’t @nerddad plagiarize The Superficial a bunch of times? Why, yes, he did!

Daniel Tosh Blasts ESPN For Ripping Him Off After The Jump

Khloe Kardashian Tried To Steal Kim’s Ass Thunder

November 12th, 2014 // 13 Comments

Just hours before Kim Kardashian’s naked butt was scheduled to be dragged across the Internet like a dog with worms tainting everything in its path (Case in point: There’s another post about it coming up later today.), Khloe shared the above meme on Instagram because you know what the Internet hardly ever loses its mind over: racism. Except this time it did, but only for a brief moment before Kim’s ass snuffed everything out along with all of humanity’s hopes and dreams for the future. There’s nothing but darkness now, ever-plunging darkness. And for once I’m not talking about Kanye West’s penis. I told you I can quit whenever I want.

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Photo: Instagram

Jenny McCarthy & Donnie Wahlberg Got Their Own Reality Show

November 12th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Previously In Failing At TV
Jenny McCarthy Cleavage Halloween Costume
She Was Fired From 'The View.' Not Quit. F.I.R.E.D. Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Because the world is a giant stockpot of diarrhea and reality television is the spoon that stirs it, it’s only right that Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg get to make their own deposit. When reached for comment, the couple dropped this verbal nugget and yes I’m going to just keep making poop jokes here. Get on board. Via People:

Our feeling is, who better to make our first show for the network about, than about us?” the couple said in a statement. “We love working together and with our crazy schedules this gives us the chance to both work and play together.

It really is classic F-List Hollywood to immediately co-opt someone else’s idea and somehow make it seem like brilliance on your part. I’m assuming the pitch meeting went like this:

PRODUCER 1: Everybody loves Wahlburgers. We’d love to build on that with a spinoff about you two.
JENNY: *farts loudly, claps hands, laughs uncontrollably*
DONNIE: I like what you’re saying, but what if the show was just about Jenny and me, you know, just our wacky everyday interactions.
PRODUCER 1: Right…I think that’s basically what I just pitc–
PRODUCER 2: You can make it so her tits are mostly out all the time, right?
DONNIE: *stands up, extends handshake* Gentlemen, let’s make some television.

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Photo: MPNC/AKM-GSI

Kim Kardashian’s Butt Is Naked

November 12th, 2014 // 107 Comments
It's Kim's Naked Boobs, Too
Kim Kardashian Naked Butt
Let's Make This
A Party Read More »

So I’m going to talk sexually about Kim Kardashian’s naked ass for a minute because I’m pretty sure it’s not on the cover of Paper to spark a discussion on common core. In fact, legend has it, there are words written beneath her ass that say it’s here to “break the Internet,” but we lost three interns trying to confirm it. They weren’t mountain ready. Anyway, here’s Kim’s giant butt which looks even gianter when you Photoshop the shit out of her waist because apparently already being the size of a small space station isn’t enough. What’s the purpose here besides making every form of sex with her anal? Kim Kardashian could be in another room giving you a handjob with Inspector Gadget arms, and you’d still be doing her in the butt. Technically, we’re all having sex with her ass right now just reading this post. (No eye contact.)

Celebrities Respond To Kim Kardashian’s Naked Ass After The Jump

Good Morning, Brina Chantal, And Other News

November 12th, 2014 // 1 Comment

- Something about Jennifer Aniston and a cock ring if I’m reading this right. [Lainey Gossip]

- Jennifer Lawrence will never join Twitter because she hates you, Internet. [Dlisted]

- Please stop giving a shit about Eminem lyrics. He doesn’t matter anymore. [Fishwrapper]

- The Vixen Is Elizabeth Hancock [theCHIVE]

- This dad wins the Internet today. Fuck Kim Kardashian. [The Frisky]

- Charlotte McKinney has sexy outtakes. [COED]

- Nina Agdal‘s in lingerie. [WWTDD]

- Kill All Record Labels [Death and Taxes]

- Bella Thorne knows how to drive book sales. [Popoholic]

- What’s up, Taylor Swift‘s girlfriend? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Doutzen Kroes. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet