Ray Rice Is In ‘Good Spirits,’ Everybody

September 9th, 2014 // 26 Comments

Lost in the media’s zeal to destroy Janay Rice‘s life (Alright, who told her?) by holding the NFL accountable for treating domestic violence with a brief “time out,” are the feelings of Ray Rice. Has anyone stopped to ask how he’s doing after getting cut from the Ravens because everyone found out how hard he knocked his wife out in an elevator? He’s a human being, too, goddammit. Mediaite reports:

“I have to be strong with my wife. She is so strong. We are in good spirits. We have a lot of people praying for us and we’ll continue to support each other. I have to be there for (Janay) and my family right now and work through this.”

So did anyone else read, “I have to be strong with my wife,” and immediately go, “Oh, shit, not again!” or was it just me? The important thing is instead of getting all depressed over our culture that places entertainment above social responsibility, I decided to end one of those posts on a happy note by adding Kelly Brooks’ tits to it. No foolin’. If you click on Ray Rice’s face, it takes you right to them. ESPN should be probably be taking notes while I rock back forth in the corner and think about what I’ve done. Money, Fish, you need the money. Money makes everything better. Money is Jesus. You’re okay. You’re cool. This is cool. No one’s crying. You’re not crying. Those are not your tears. It’s probably just rain in your basement, or something. You’re tough. You’re swoll.

Photos: Getty / Fame/Flynet, Splash News, Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Ariana Grande Has Demands

September 9th, 2014 // 58 Comments
Rocket Titties?
Ariana Grande Rocket Titties Break Free Video Screencaps
How Long Has She Had Those? Read More »

Ariana Grande looks like a 12-year-old Jennifer Lopez which is probably why she’s so huge on the Internet right now, but enough about the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Anyway, also like JLo, she now travels with a list of demands that has horribly been leaked because, again, how old is this kid? 13? I’ll not ask about Mariah Carey you! Via News Australia:

All media who were granted an audience with the 21-year-old singer were instructed to steer clear of delicate topics during her promotional visit this week.
DON’T ask questions about:
(1) Relationships/Dating/Ex-boyfriends
(2) Mariah Carey
(3) Sam & Cat/Jennette McCurdy
(4) Working/collaborating with Justin Bieber
(5) Her grandfather passing away
Photographers were also given last-minute instructions from the Problem star’s minders.
*DON’T use natural light.
*DO shoot only from the left side of her face.

And here’s all of that worked out: More »

Ashlee Simpson’s Sideboob In A Swimsuit, Anyone?

September 9th, 2014 // 15 Comments

Normally, I start each morning with bikini photos, but today I decided to go with Shia LaBeouf’s dick because sometimes I just want to watch the world burn. Anyway, to make up for that here’s Ashlee Simpson sunbathing on her honeymoon which were basically free because Jessica Simpson‘s not in them. There was a time when Joe Simpson might’ve paid money for them, but he’s done pretending to be straight which he apparently equated with wanting to fuck your daughters. Is that what gays think of us? Because we’re not all Billy Ray Cyrus. This Peeping Tom guy, but not Billy Ray Cyrus. No one likes a stereotype.

Photos: AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Is Writing Songs About Katy Perry Now

September 9th, 2014 // 29 Comments
Is Taylor Swift A Lesbian?
Taylor Swift Karlie Kloss Lesbians
A Sloppy Internet Report Read More »

Taylor Swift‘s schtick used to be writing songs about jerk boys who didn’t make every single date like The Notebook. But she’s evolved as an artist (and a woman… nope, that wasn’t creepy) and has moved on to writing songs about other pop stars who steal her roadies or some stupid bullshit. I honestly don’t know because she’s literally all wet in the pictures. Where am I? What’s happening? Focus, FOCUS. Via Rolling Stone:

Swift’s focus on sisterhood cuts both ways, because when another woman crosses her, she’s equally fierce about hitting back. The angriest song on 1989 is called “Bad Blood,” and it’s about another female artist Swift declines to name. “For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not,” she says. “She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’” Then last year, the other star crossed a line. “She did something so horrible,” Swift says. “I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

And just so everyone’s absolutely clear she’s definitely talking about Katy Perry who dated John Mayer right after he dumped Taylor, here’s the very next sentence: More »

Janay Rice: ‘You Ruined Our Life For Ratings’

September 9th, 2014 // 121 Comments
Janay Rice Ray
'Suspended Indefinitely'
Ray Rice
That's Some Fast Backpedaling Read More »

Yesterday, Ray Rice was cut from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the NFL after an elevator video was released showing him knocking out his fiance before dragging her unconscious body and leaving it on the floor. Unfortunately, she still went on to marry him and helped beg the NFL to let him keep his job, so it really shouldn’t come as a sad, disturbing surprise that Janay’s lashing out at the media for ruining her life. Via The Baltimore Sun:

The Baltimore Sun has verified that the following unabridged message from her official Instagram account is from Janay Rice and was intended to be released publicly:
“I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend,” Janay Rice wrote. “But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that [the] media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass [off] for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific.
“THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!”

The psychological components involved with battered and abused women is way beyond my titty site purview, so I’ll leave the inevitable, misplaced golddigging comments to the peanut gallery. However, I will say what we’re all thinking which is “BITCH, GET OUT DA HOUSE! RUN!” And now back to the video itself. Up until yesterday, the NFL pretty much acted liked they saw it, but as soon as it was leaked to the public and the entire Internet saw Ray Rice only get a two game suspension for brutally knocking a woman unconscious, the NFL immediately started clutching their pearls and denying they ever saw it. Which turns out might be the case because, according to TMZ, they didn’t want to watch it or know how a half-undressed woman ended up unconscious and being dragged out of an elevator. Maybe she saw a spider! More »

No, No, No, Shia LaBeouf’s Penis And Other News

September 9th, 2014 // 21 Comments

- Kristen Wiig might have banged Scott Speedman. [Lainey Gossip]

- Fran Drescher‘s new husband didn’t invent email by the way. [Dlisted]

- Future Lower Back Problems > Fantasy Football [theCHIVE]

- Miley Cyrus bought a hot glue gun and thinks she’s an artist now. [Fishwrapper]

- Mark Driscoll‘s frat boy Jesus empire is crumbling. [Death and Taxes]

- Hannah Ferguson underboob, anyone? [WWTDD]

- Kate Upton‘s breasts haven’t gotten smaller since The Fappening. Thank God. [Popoholic]

- Oh, Jesus, we’re merging boy bands now? Goddammit. [Starpulse]

- Channing Tatum presents “The Dick Graze.” [tooFab]

- Goddamn, Vienna Girardi. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Ashley Benson allegedly has leaked nudes now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Monday 9.8.14

September 8th, 2014 // 472 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, located directly under Nina Agdal in a bikini, because I need your help, science. In the natural world, that picture should never be followed by another reminder that we’re all laughing at Jonah Hill eating himself to death, yet here we are. I’ve always considered this post to be the bastard child of the two simultaneously held desires to see shit like Willem Dafoe‘s uncontrollable bloodlust taking over and this old lady‘s nipples, but I need the help of professionals whose college degrees didn’t require classes like Images in Mass Media.

Yes, that was the one where we watched a movie, then talked about the movie. (Please don’t ever stop visiting this page. I can’t go back to the service industry.)

- Photo Boy

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kesha Still Shouldn’t Wear Bathing Suits

September 8th, 2014 // 38 Comments

So remember back in May when Kesha looked sort of decent for a minute? That’s all over now. But before I go any further, is it too soon to say these are almost as bad as the Ray Rice video? Because I definitely told Photo Boy to stop saying that, but he just looked right at me and stabbed a kitten. You think you know somebody.

Photos: AKM-GSI