The Crap We Missed – Monday 7.21.14

July 21st, 2014 // 439 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, fresh off my brief stint in County, because apparently in Obama’s America, masturbating in the post office is frowned upon relaxing three-day hiatus, so I’ve the usual overstuffed sausage of celebrity nonsense for you. We’ve got Paris Hilton with a child who would have been better off in the care of Susan Smith, the best picture of Whoopi Goldberg you’ll ever see provided it actually results in the murder/suicide for which it was intended, and exactly what every single moment of Alec & Hilaria Baldwin‘s marriage looks like when she isn’t bending herself into a sex pretzel.

Hey, Stamos, what did you think of that Lindsay Lohan gallery earlier? S’what I thought,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Chris Brown Threw A Charity Kickball Game

July 21st, 2014 // 16 Comments

Chris Brown just got out of jail for violating his probation from beating the shit out of a woman, so why wouldn’t Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra, Amber Rose, Christina Milian, and Kendall and Kylie Jenner show up to his charity kickball game? What does violence against women have to do with them? It’s not like Rihanna‘s head was the ball like he wanted. And kept asking for. Again and again and again.

Photos: AKM-GSI

Where’d Selena Gomez’s Implants Go?

July 21st, 2014 // 22 Comments

Because people like me will never understand how breasts work (Chlorophyll?), there’s been a lot of talk recently about Selena Gomez getting implants. Except here she is over the weekend looking noticeably less chestier which means she probably didn’t get new boobs. Unless… she forgot to do that thing where she sticks her thumb in her mouth and blows really hard to inflate them which I don’t see how it couldn’t be. Case closed!

Adding… She said what about what now? A Gaza strip? What’s that? Some sort of vagina thing?

Photos: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Kanye West: A Blowfish Who Married His Dinosaur

July 21st, 2014 // 58 Comments
Kanye West GQ

Kanye West is GQ‘s cover interview for the month of August, and so naturally that comes with a goldmine of quotes about how he’s a blowfish, the Martin Luther King Jr. of celebrity rights, and married his dinosaur who’s also a fighter jet or something. The main point is that Kanye doesn’t do uncool shit because anything Kanye does will eventually become cool because he’s Kanye. Basically you’re in for a treat.

Excerpts From Kanye’s GQ Interview After The Jump

Lindsay Lohan’s In A Bikini Again

July 21st, 2014 // 83 Comments

When you’re a hard-working actress fresh off of an award for Biggest Comeback, it’s important to take a moment and relax on the yacht you’ve been blowing a man to be on for the past week. Also, pop a lot of zits. That’s really the key to this whole sexy stew. I’m talking way more important than not looking like a barnacle with tits. You just let the coke bloat handle that.

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Putin Shot Stephen Seagal’s Estonian Blues Career Out of The Sky

July 21st, 2014 // 14 Comments
Seagal For Governor
Steven Seagal
Because Arizona Needs More Racism And Nonsense Read More »

While the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17 and their loved ones suffered a horrific tragedy last week that shook the international community, no one’s talking about the real victim in all of this: Steven Seagal. Once an aspiring blues musician about to make it big on the Estonian festival circuit, he’s now watching his musical dreams disintegrate like so many commercial airlines shot by missiles his bestest buddy in the world gave to a bunch of separatists. The Guardian reports:

The announcement of Seagal’s headlining slot at Augustibluus, a blues festival held the beginning of August in the western town of Haapsalu for over 20 years, was met with a swift outcry, with Estonian rock singer Tõnis Mägi calling for a boycott. Estonia’s foreign minister, Urmas Paet, told the Tallinn daily Delfi: “Steven Seagal has become active in politics in the last few months in a manner not befitting a world which honours states based on the rule of law.”

This was too much for the organisers of Augustibluus, who – after the downing of Malaysian Airlines flight mH17– announced Seagal would be dropped from their lineup.
“We hoped the Estonian public would first and foremost see Steven Seagal as an actor and a musician. It turns out what they saw was rather a politician and a henchman,” festival director Indrek Ditman said in a press release. “To many in Estonia, it came as a major surprise that the action movie hero is a blues musician. Likewise, the organisers and numerous others were unpleasantly surprised by his political views and public statements.”

On a more positive note, Steven Seagal has been invited to the Arizona Border Blues Bonanza provided he brings back one of them “Russia missiles” and teaches everyone how to aim it at Mexico. He said that’s a pretty tall order before smiling and pulling one out from behind Arizona’s ear. “Why do you think I was even over there? Besides power. Unstoppable power.”

Photos: Getty

Anastasia Ashley & Logan Fazio Had A Butt-Off

July 21st, 2014 // 23 Comments

Because it’s been a depressing morning, here are Anastasia Ashley and Logan Fazio “The Pin-Up Paparazzo” having a butt-off in Miami over the weekend. And if that doesn’t brighten your mood, congratulations, you’re already dead and being cremated in the Middle East. I don’t even know how you’re reading this. Do ghosts have Obamaphones? Is that’s what happening here? Get a ghost-job!

Photos: FAMA/AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, INFphoto

Casey Kasem’s Body Is Missing Now

July 21st, 2014 // 14 Comments
Casey Kasem
Jesus Christ, Lady
Casey Kasem
Bury The Poor Bastard! Read More »

So remember the other day when we all found out Casey Kasem‘s body was still sitting in a funeral home after he’s been dead for over a month? It’s missing now. And by missing I mean stolen by his widow and smuggled into Canada because his kids requested an autopsy, so you know, nothing suspicious here. NY Daily News reports:

In an exclusive interview with the Daily News, Kerri said the temporary restraining order that a Washington state judge granted her on Wednesday forbidding movement or burial of the remains was too late.
“My stepmother is doing everything to keep my father’s burial a secret so that none of his loved ones can visit,” Kerri told The News Friday.
“She’s just spiteful, malicious and vindictive,” Kerri said.
Widow Jean Kasem was in control of the body after Kasem’s June 15 death ended Kerri’s control over his medical treatment.
Jean later commissioned a private autopsy in Tacoma and made arrangements to send Kasem to the Urgel Bourgie Funeral Home in Montreal, Canada, by July 14, a recent death certificate obtained by The News said.
“My dad has nothing to do with Canada. He lived in Los Angeles for 45 years. It just once again proves that my stepmother is not acting in my father’s best interest or respecting his wishes,” Kerri said Friday.

Casey had specific instructions to be buried in Hollywood Hills, but just like his equally specific instructions to die in peace if he ever became a vegetable, Jean Kasem is ignoring all of that (Haha! Wives.) and shipping his body to Jerusalem where thrown meat is awarded the significance and spiritual authority it deserves. Plus it just seems like a nice place to burn evidence: More »