Orlando Bloom almost killed a scooter rider on Monday when he pulled out in front of the guy without looking, sending him flying to the ground. The victim says:
“It’s only good luck that I’m here to tell the tale. He can’t have looked in his mirrors. I flew off and hit the ground hard, rolling three times. If there’d been a car coming the other way, I’d be dead.” When an ambulance arrived to whisk Szydlowski, who suffered deep cuts and internal bleeding, to hospital, Bloom jumped in the back and scribbled a note saying, ‘Sorry mate!’ and signed it. Szydlowski adds, “We both had to give breath tests. He did ring to check I was all right.”
I wish I was famous so I could run over people and just give them autographs as an apology. “What? I ran over your kid? Here’s an autographed picture of me. Now we’re even.” Except we wouldn’t be even. They’d owe me money. Because photo prints aren’t cheap, man.
cbmd | April 19, 2006 at 10:46 am
I don’t care
CheekyChops | April 19, 2006 at 10:50 am
I don’t care how shitty of a driver he is, he’s effin shaggable.
Derek Hail | April 19, 2006 at 10:51 am
why is someone riding a scooter anyway? Maybe he deserved it.
Ramdonomo | April 19, 2006 at 10:53 am
British people… all around. I love him anyway. Whatev.
Binky | April 19, 2006 at 10:54 am
Orlando Blooms always seem to get me sneezing and this is the time of year for it.
Jacq | April 19, 2006 at 10:56 am
He looks like such a woman that I just want to make him cry. I guess that’s just the man-who-looks-like-a-woman hating part of me because I’m a big dyke.
Plus, my Vespa’s all jacked up now, muthafucka.
Anyone else remember the Simpsons where Mr. Burns tells Homer that he “accidentally ran over your dog” and then tells him to “replace dog with son and accidentally with on purpose”? I bet Orlando looked as spindley behind the wheel as Monty.
He takes the “O” out of orgasm.
biatcho | April 19, 2006 at 11:00 am
Anyone riding a scooter should actually be shot execution style so the only thing Bloom did wrong was choice of death, because cars don’t kill people, guns do (except for Ashanti’s cousin).
And also he can bang into me any fucking day of the week. I know he’s kind of a fairy but he gets the juices flowing.
CancerNipples | April 19, 2006 at 11:03 am
He doesn’t turn me on at all…So is this fag going to pay the poor guy’s medical bills?
ziggurat | April 19, 2006 at 11:07 am
Legolas has lost his touch
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 11:08 am
He tried to kill some obnoxious fag Limey who was riding a Vespa? He just went up two points in my book. And I don’t just give those points out like candy – you have to really try to kill someone.
Feed_Me_Chocolate | April 19, 2006 at 11:10 am
#2, I totally agree with you. He can run me over anytime he wants. Heck, I’d throw myself at his car for a chance to meet him. So friggin’ gorgeous. Now I’m all hot and bothered just thinking about him.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 11:12 am
Oh, he IS a fag Limey? Well then, minus 5 points which leaves him at negative three for those keeping score.
mamacita | April 19, 2006 at 11:20 am
Yeah, there’s some dude around here who drives ON THE HIGHWAY in one of those Hoveround scooter things and his sole contribution to safety is the gigantic flag he has mounted to the rear end of it. The only thing that keeps me from plowing into him every time I see him is the massive amount of Valium I take before I drive anywhere.
CheekyChops | April 19, 2006 at 11:29 am
I saw a drunk guy driving around in a hoveround once. Was the funniest thing ever. He was trying to plow people down on the sidewalk. Those old people crack me up.
Land-Man | April 19, 2006 at 11:31 am
Yeah, he’s real hot if you like fags with micropenis.
Fisher55 | April 19, 2006 at 11:38 am
he lacks lips
Spangler | April 19, 2006 at 11:42 am
He’s cute, but his hair is always greasy. I liked him better done up as Legolas.
Spangler | April 19, 2006 at 11:46 am
People riding scooters need to be careful. Its not really like anyone can see them well around other vehicles. You’ve got to expect someone to pull out in front of you once in awhile. This time it just happened to be a celebrity. Not much scandal here.
Italian Stallion | April 19, 2006 at 11:50 am
I really don’t have anything to say about this unfortunate event, and by unfortunate I mean no scooter death because that just sound’s funny….
#6 Jacq, I always knew there was A reason why Stallion likey you, everytime you mention the Simpsons, I know exactly what your talking about. I know thats sad and all but I’m not ashamed to admit it by any means……Save me Jebus….
The other night Apu said to Homer, I don’t believe in that Karma Baloney, and he replied drooling of course…hmmmmmmm Carmel Baloney…….Still laughing about that one……..
Land-Man | April 19, 2006 at 11:59 am
Fucks like an old man too.
Feed_Me_Chocolate | April 19, 2006 at 12:02 pm
Land-Man,
Your jealousy is hanging out.
MeganHarris | April 19, 2006 at 12:07 pm
Orlando Doom. Completely overrated. Dork.
Land-Man | April 19, 2006 at 12:13 pm
My big Land-Cock is hanging out.
hendero | April 19, 2006 at 12:14 pm
yeah, I’m sure a guy with a name like Slawomir Szydlowski is a Brit. It’s more likely a fag Pole.
mamacita | April 19, 2006 at 12:16 pm
@20
“Fucks like an old man too.”
Awww. Did you and Orlando not have a good time on your date last night? Maybe it would’ve been better if you were the pitcher instead of the catcher, you know, since you have a big Land-Cock. Whatever the hell a Land-Cock is.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 12:38 pm
There is also the Sea-Cock which attacks from the murky depths with no discretion, and the wily Mountain-Cock which comes out mostly at night. Mostly.
Trotter | April 19, 2006 at 12:49 pm
Then there’s the “Air-Cock” which is most likely what we’re dealing with here.
mamacita | April 19, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Don’t forget the arid “Prairie-Cock” which is bereft of foliage, and the “Forest-Cock” which has lots of ticks.
Feed_Me_Chocolate | April 19, 2006 at 12:59 pm
Right on, Trotter, right on. He’s playing with something that’s just not there.
Oshkosh, I love your subtle “Aliens” reference.
Trotter | April 19, 2006 at 1:03 pm
@28 Lots of ticks – on cock. That’s vivid.
But back to Orlando. Oh, nevermind.
MeganHarris, when you’re done molesting that little boy’s corpse, would you please bury it? I can smell it all the way out here in California. Gawd. What a freak.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 1:04 pm
Thanks, Feed_Me. I’ve been feeling so misunderstood all day. It makes me all wet and horny that you would notice that, I didn’t think anyone would so I guess I basically did it to amuse myself. I amuse myself often, usually 6 or 7 times a day and mostly with garden vegetables. Mostly.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 1:07 pm
#30 – That’s a stinky little boy!
That’s what I always used to tell the boyscouts before I sprayed them with zyclon-B. Ah, college…
Jacq | April 19, 2006 at 1:16 pm
#15 & 20 – Thanks for coming up with your own reason why we sould like you. Thanks for also proving that Orlando has a micropenis, way to take one for the team.
Italian Stallion – Remember when Homer was golfing with Mr. Burns and hit the ball in the bunker. “Use a wedge, Homer, use your sand wedge.” “Mmmmm, sandwich…”
OR
When he wrote Mr. Burns that angry letter and he went to the post office with Bart to get it? “Hello, I’m here to get my mail. My name is Mr. Burns.” “Mr. Burns, what is your first name?” “I don’t know.”
Think about the children! – Mrs. Rev. Lovejoy
mamacita | April 19, 2006 at 1:26 pm
MeganHarris, you are a fucking simpleton. I bet when you were a kid, you were so stupid that you would actually ASK for those shitty Rose Art crayons instead of the awesome Crayola crayons. The only time I got the Rose Art kind was when my grandparents would give them to me for Christmas or some shit because they were fucking old and didn’t know which ones were the good ones. I guess it didn’t matter to you that when you tried to go back over a section to make the color darker, the high ass wax content just fucking erased what you had already colored and made a white space in your tree or whatever the hell you were drawing instead of making it darker. Then you’d just color furiously, trying to make it darker, all the while just making a bigger white space. Not that you cared about that because you just used your colors for chewing, but dammit!!!!! Shitty ass Rose Art crayons.
Trotter | April 19, 2006 at 1:39 pm
@34 – Mamacita, so you think MeganHarris actually COLORED? I think she just ate all the crayons, then shit out the color and slung it around, all monkey-like, and then licked her hands off. I can hear her crying to the social worker, “Me want moooore crayons! Crayooooons!”
MeganHarris | April 19, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Damn. Are you guys high? You just talked about crayons for a whole paragraph. I think YOU are the ones that have this trauma! Hey, if you need me to be the fall guy (i’m a girl) then by all means, work out your frustrations through me.
Trotter | April 19, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Hey Oshkosh, got any of the Zyclon-B left? I think MeganHarris needs a boost…
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 1:51 pm
MeganHarris is not “colored”, she is African American.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 1:51 pm
Let’s not be racist.
Feed_Me_Chocolate | April 19, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Osh, maybe if we build a fire, sing a couple of songs, you’d feel better.
P.s. Watch out for those veggies, those damn cutworms are a bitch to get rid of.
Land-Man | April 19, 2006 at 1:57 pm
oshkosh is not a “fag”, he is a homosexual fag.
mamacita | April 19, 2006 at 1:58 pm
MeganHarris
“then by all means, work out your frustrations through me.”
Sweet stinking shit!!!!!!!!!!! Isn’t that what we’ve been doing this whole fucking time????!!!!! For the love of God, you are so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. OshKosh, she’s not African-American, she’s Mongoloid-American.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 2:00 pm
A gay homosexual faggotty-ass fairy faggot homo fag. I love sexual intercourse with people of the same gender so much, it’s like a quadruple negative!
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 19, 2006 at 2:02 pm
I would say MeganHarris is more Canadian. But she often feels like Nazi Germany.
Feed_Me_Chocolate | April 19, 2006 at 2:05 pm
You’d kind of got to hand it to MeganHarris, (s)he sure is a tenacious little bugger (and by “bugger” I mean someone who enjoys buggery). A lesser man would have left this website after this much poo-flinging. But then, that might just be her/his bag.
Fisher55 | April 19, 2006 at 2:08 pm
The Simpsons is for losers who tried to be like me in high school…get laid, guys
Feed_Me_Chocolate | April 19, 2006 at 2:19 pm
I got laid last night, thankyouverymuch, and
THE SIMPSONS ROCK! WOO-HOO! D’OH! EXCELLENT! AY CARUMBA!
Iambananas | April 19, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Is it just me, or does Orlando Bloom strike you as.. gay?
nichole | April 19, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Mamacita (34) you forgot to mention the fact that if you wanted to color outside, Rose Art crayons would turn into a gooey, waxy mess. Your post was hilarious and so true (about Rose Art—I don’t have an opinion on MeganHarris).
And gay? Nah, Bloom strikes me more as a bisexual for some reason or another. Just like Marlon Brando and William Shakespeare ;)
nichole | April 19, 2006 at 3:40 pm
That is, they would melt during the summer when playing with friends as a kid. Ok fine, last week, whatever.