Orlando Bloom (the perverted looking guy in the hat) was spotted leaving Club Hyde with Penelope Cruz, sparking rumors – most of which I’m starting right this second – that they’re having lots and lots of sex. Most likely anal. And why would I say such horrible and disgusting things? Because I want whatever it is Matthew McConaughey has turned into to chase down Orlando Bloom and fist fight him to death for having anal sex with his ex-girlfriend. Plus a witness tells me Orlando called Matthew a “sissy girlie-man with the physique of a 13-year-old girl.” And gay. He also said he was gay.
More of Orlando and Penelope sneakily driving off together in Orlando’s car after the jump.
UPDATE: Maybe Matthew can just beat Orlando to death with his gigantic penis. Stuffing one sock down there usually does the trick, man. I think eight might be a bit excessive. Thanks to Aaron for the tip.
griffmills | September 28, 2006 at 12:24 pm
I’d like to bone her…..but not him
edb87 | September 28, 2006 at 12:25 pm
I’d hit them both…and I’m straight…seriously.
http://www.edquartersaudio.com
ChicagoEric | September 28, 2006 at 12:26 pm
3rd?.. Lucky me first timer too… They must be filming a movie together since P Cruz only sleeps with her future leading men. How do I apply to be a leading man?
CelebSlam.com | September 28, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Did they just come from a funeral?
http://www.celebslam.com
amhi | September 28, 2006 at 12:32 pm
This works out nicely — Orlando Bloom is a woman and Penelope Cruz is a man.
Heterosexuality!
HollyJ | September 28, 2006 at 12:34 pm
SIXTH!!!
slantingthroughdarkness | September 28, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Guys in hats always look perverted. It’s just nature’s way.
http://crabbieshollywood.blogspot.com
Kitty | September 28, 2006 at 12:36 pm
How old are they? Isn’t she much older than him?? I guess I have no idea how old he might be.
enfilade | September 28, 2006 at 12:36 pm
I’d hit it!
http://www.sidekickwallpaper.com/
amhi | September 28, 2006 at 12:37 pm
Except I didn’t really mean that. It’ll be sad seeing someone as pretty..ish as Penelope Cruz being tossed out of the relationship weighing 67 lbs. like what Orlando did to Kate Bosworth.
jrzmommy | September 28, 2006 at 12:39 pm
I must be tired because I’m having a hard time following what Superfish is talking about…….and well, caring really.
notmeganharris | September 28, 2006 at 12:40 pm
@11
It’s the website about nothing.
biatcho | September 28, 2006 at 12:42 pm
I blame my serious hangover & the inevitable afternoon giggles that comes with it for causing me to actually laugh at the Superficial Guy for the first time in a decade.
biatcho | September 28, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Why does Penelope Cruz look like Alice Cooper? Just missing the snake & top hat.
Ruby | September 28, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Like nice eyeliner, Penelope. You look like a younger version of Alice Fucking Cooper.
biatcho | September 28, 2006 at 12:47 pm
#15 – your comment was way funnier than mine, which isn’t very hard to do considering I am unfunny. I should know to throw at least 5 “likes” into anything I ever,like, say.
like.
shmoody | September 28, 2006 at 12:48 pm
God lord that elf has big tits. I mean really I thought elves were small and pointy eared with bows and arrows but not big knockers.
Kill the Hobbit, Kill the Hobbit. With my spear and magic helmet
shell | September 28, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Are they meeting up with Screech for a dirty sanchez?
Ruby | September 28, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Sorry, biatcho, like I didn’t see your comment before I, like posted.
polypam | September 28, 2006 at 1:13 pm
So Orlando dumped a skeletal blonde for a curvy brunette. Good for him…it’s nice to see a guy in Hollywood who prefers a little meat on the bone.
Shaun | September 28, 2006 at 1:15 pm
Hi HollyJ.
Orlando looks like he’s on xtasy. No wonder they look like they are in such a hurry to get their groove on. :-)
It also looks like he is taking two women with him and ditching the guy in the glasses praying he gets invited. :p
Orlando’s face reminds me of the Christmas Nut Cracker behind the wheel of his car or rent a car.
Jacq | September 28, 2006 at 1:27 pm
Orlando looks like Kate Bosworth next to her. And by that, I mean an uber-skinny woman.
Is she being a beard AGAIN? First Tom. Then Matthew… Jos sayin’
pinky_nip | September 28, 2006 at 1:31 pm
Memo to Orlando:
You are NOT Johnny Depp.
Fuck Off,
Mgmt.
jrzmommy | September 28, 2006 at 1:33 pm
Completely unrelated, but…I have the white-hot intense hatred of a thousand suns for the motherfucker who raped those little girls and killed the one girl in Colorado yesterday. What a fucking faggot coward and he’ll never be dead enough.
Italian Stallion | September 28, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Wow pinky you’re on a fucking roll today, seriously!!!!
Isn’t time to get on the Stallion?
BarbadoSlim | September 28, 2006 at 1:40 pm
It’s good to see these two gals going out there and reaching for that rainbow.
To quote Tatu: They’re not gonna get’em!!!
commissioner | September 28, 2006 at 1:44 pm
@24
I’m more than a little traumatized.
I’m going in my hidey-hole and not coming out until next April.
pinky_nip | September 28, 2006 at 1:48 pm
Stallion, you’re like the Jell-o commercial: “There’s always room for Stallion”…
bigponie | September 28, 2006 at 1:50 pm
he looks like Justin Timberlake trying to get his sexyback.
#27 can I stick my friend inside your hidey-hole to keep you company.
Jenna | September 28, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Those shorts Matthew is wearing remind me of the ones Ben Stiller wore in Dodgeball. Except creepier.
LilRach | September 28, 2006 at 2:08 pm
Is it just my eyes or is Orlando wearing a stripy shirt and then it magically turns into a black one?
anyway back to the subject i’d prefer Penelope anyday over Kate Bosworth. She’d be like fucking a bag of bones. Yuck yucks!
cian | September 28, 2006 at 2:12 pm
Penelope Cruz looks like a duck. He goes from a woman with two mismatched glass eyes to one who quacks and has a waterproof coat.
c | September 28, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Though I usually think everyone is gay, strangely, I buy that Orlando is somewhat into women. That’s why he finally dumped Kate right? I’m surprised Penelope went to Hyde with him though; I thought she was a bit too mature for that starlet clusterfuck of a bar. Anyway, since Kate quickly found a new, hotter boyfriend – James Rousseau – Orlando was probably just trying to save face. Penelope is definitely the girl to call for that, and it explains why they chose to go to Hyde.
http://popanalysis.blogspot.com
krisdylee | September 28, 2006 at 2:34 pm
I’d fuck Matthew…
Oh indeedy do, I would.
biatcho | September 28, 2006 at 2:37 pm
#19, I am sensing some sort of sarcasm in your tone, or rudeness as it were. This insubordination will not be tolerated on the Superficial. Isn’t everyone on here supposed to, like, play nice and like?
januaryanne | September 28, 2006 at 2:37 pm
IIII SURE HOPE Miss Matthew Mac has a lot of time on his hands, because he’ll be needing to get a move on if he plans to beat up everyone who calls him gay right now. Honestly, how can you not think so? My gaydar broke in the late 80s but even I know he and Lancenhaal are getting their Prada ankle boots knocked. So hop-to, Miss Matthew Mac!
(how many calories does soap have? i am about to have to wash my own mouth out.)
RichPort | September 28, 2006 at 3:08 pm
#13 – Mr. Fish has me laughing this week. I think it’s all the medication I stole from that kid down the hall who got hit by a bus. His screams of agony are starting to wake me up at night, so I may have to sneak in his apartment, push him out the window, rush him to the hospital, then steal some more. I’m nothing if not a good samaritan. Oh, and I’d hit Penelope so hard she’d start espeaking eSpanish like a fucking gringo.
InstantAsshat-AddFame | September 28, 2006 at 6:12 pm
The Fish doesn’t make me laugh as hard as you guys do. I literally spit coffee on the table above my keyboard today, reading your comments on Paris’ pedophiliac video.
I didn’t dare watch it for fear of going into cardiac arrest.
The funniest thing about this thing here is that someone actually said that Penelope Cruz has meat on her bones. How can you really tell one walking skeleton from another?
sundaybl00dysunday | September 28, 2006 at 6:59 pm
Kate Bosworth may be skinny but she has a very beautiful face, Penelope in the other hand is a fugly bitch and needs a nose job by the way
HolisticWisdomcom | September 28, 2006 at 8:56 pm
They do have lots of anal sex, lots of it, you should see the vat of lube we just sent them… it’s costco size! LOL
Okay, they really did not order the lube, we just thought they might need it. ;-)
http://www.holisticwisdom.com/anal-sex-toys.htm
sjb16 | September 29, 2006 at 6:44 am
@39,
I totally agree with you. Kate needs to gain about 20 lbs. but she has a beautiful face. Penelope Cruz is an ugly little troll!
joslibrarian | September 29, 2006 at 7:27 am
good lord, what a step down for Penelope. Orlando looks like a weasel. What a scrawny, ugly man
*shudders*
InstantAsshat-AddFame | September 29, 2006 at 8:16 am
Orlando’s a gorgeous man! Trouble is, he’s a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio–capable of great gorgeousness, they seem most comfy looking like they just threw on yesterday’s clothes when they got up (or perhaps had slept in them and just got up), and groomed their hair by running one hand through greasy locks. Then they figure they’re good to go for the day. Blech. It’s like they’re afraid to look great except in the movies.
weenis | September 29, 2006 at 8:20 am
nothing could be finer than an elf in your vagina
86 | September 29, 2006 at 9:43 am
Obviously just for the press.
DrunkBlogger | September 30, 2006 at 1:16 pm
Yeah, I’ve always wondered at which point are you a big enough celebrity to join the fruity-little-hat club. All the big stars have them, but it doesn’t mean they don’t look really gay.
What The Sha?? | October 1, 2006 at 9:06 am
I couldn’t imagine caring any less about anything. They are perhaps the two most uninteresting, boring celebrities ever to grace the Superficial. I would rather an update on how quickly the grass in on top of Daniel Smiths grave. Was that inappropriate? Whoops.
http://www.whatthesha.com
Praz | October 2, 2006 at 2:49 pm
Orlando Bloom is a slightly less man-ish version of Keira Knightley.
Beastiephile | October 2, 2006 at 11:11 pm
Actually #7, Orlando always looks like a perv, hat or not. He goes through stages. Sometimes he looks like a creepy child molester perv. Sometimes not unlike a sick old man who makes advances at younger women or whoever. But as long as he keeps that mustache and keeps doing whatever it is that he does, it’s a given.
Skippy | October 7, 2006 at 12:43 am
The pictures are rubbish, for two reasons: 1) Orlando is wearing different shirts from one shot to another, and 2) In one picture, the car is parked backwards. By the time it gets to the last shot, the car is facing the other way.
This indicates that either the shots were taken on two different nights, or that one left before the other, and probably didn’t even associate with each other that evening.
It’s plausible that Orlando and Pen happened to be at the same venue, but apart from that, these pictures prove nothing.