Orlando Bloom and Penelope Cruz get their jiggy on

September 28th, 2006 // 51 Comments

Orlando Bloom (the perverted looking guy in the hat) was spotted leaving Club Hyde with Penelope Cruz, sparking rumors – most of which I’m starting right this second – that they’re having lots and lots of sex. Most likely anal. And why would I say such horrible and disgusting things? Because I want whatever it is Matthew McConaughey has turned into to chase down Orlando Bloom and fist fight him to death for having anal sex with his ex-girlfriend. Plus a witness tells me Orlando called Matthew a “sissy girlie-man with the physique of a 13-year-old girl.” And gay. He also said he was gay.

More of Orlando and Penelope sneakily driving off together in Orlando’s car after the jump.

UPDATE: Maybe Matthew can just beat Orlando to death with his gigantic penis. Stuffing one sock down there usually does the trick, man. I think eight might be a bit excessive. Thanks to Aaron for the tip.


  1. griffmills

    I’d like to bone her…..but not him

  2. I’d hit them both…and I’m straight…seriously.


  3. ChicagoEric

    3rd?.. Lucky me first timer too… They must be filming a movie together since P Cruz only sleeps with her future leading men. How do I apply to be a leading man?

  4. Did they just come from a funeral?


  5. amhi

    This works out nicely — Orlando Bloom is a woman and Penelope Cruz is a man.


  6. HollyJ


  7. slantingthroughdarkness

    Guys in hats always look perverted. It’s just nature’s way.


  8. Kitty

    How old are they? Isn’t she much older than him?? I guess I have no idea how old he might be.

  9. amhi

    Except I didn’t really mean that. It’ll be sad seeing someone as pretty..ish as Penelope Cruz being tossed out of the relationship weighing 67 lbs. like what Orlando did to Kate Bosworth.

  10. jrzmommy

    I must be tired because I’m having a hard time following what Superfish is talking about…….and well, caring really.

  11. notmeganharris

    It’s the website about nothing.

  12. biatcho

    I blame my serious hangover & the inevitable afternoon giggles that comes with it for causing me to actually laugh at the Superficial Guy for the first time in a decade.

  13. biatcho

    Why does Penelope Cruz look like Alice Cooper? Just missing the snake & top hat.

  14. Ruby

    Like nice eyeliner, Penelope. You look like a younger version of Alice Fucking Cooper.

  15. biatcho

    #15 – your comment was way funnier than mine, which isn’t very hard to do considering I am unfunny. I should know to throw at least 5 “likes” into anything I ever,like, say.

  16. shmoody

    God lord that elf has big tits. I mean really I thought elves were small and pointy eared with bows and arrows but not big knockers.

    Kill the Hobbit, Kill the Hobbit. With my spear and magic helmet

  17. shell

    Are they meeting up with Screech for a dirty sanchez?

  18. Ruby

    Sorry, biatcho, like I didn’t see your comment before I, like posted.

  19. polypam

    So Orlando dumped a skeletal blonde for a curvy brunette. Good for him…it’s nice to see a guy in Hollywood who prefers a little meat on the bone.

  20. Hi HollyJ.

    Orlando looks like he’s on xtasy. No wonder they look like they are in such a hurry to get their groove on. :-)

    It also looks like he is taking two women with him and ditching the guy in the glasses praying he gets invited. :p

    Orlando’s face reminds me of the Christmas Nut Cracker behind the wheel of his car or rent a car.

  21. Jacq

    Orlando looks like Kate Bosworth next to her. And by that, I mean an uber-skinny woman.
    Is she being a beard AGAIN? First Tom. Then Matthew… Jos sayin’

  22. pinky_nip

    Memo to Orlando:

    You are NOT Johnny Depp.

    Fuck Off,


  23. jrzmommy

    Completely unrelated, but…I have the white-hot intense hatred of a thousand suns for the motherfucker who raped those little girls and killed the one girl in Colorado yesterday. What a fucking faggot coward and he’ll never be dead enough.

  24. Wow pinky you’re on a fucking roll today, seriously!!!!

    Isn’t time to get on the Stallion?

  25. BarbadoSlim

    It’s good to see these two gals going out there and reaching for that rainbow.

    To quote Tatu: They’re not gonna get’em!!!

  26. commissioner


    I’m more than a little traumatized.

    I’m going in my hidey-hole and not coming out until next April.

  27. pinky_nip

    Stallion, you’re like the Jell-o commercial: “There’s always room for Stallion”…

  28. bigponie

    he looks like Justin Timberlake trying to get his sexyback.

    #27 can I stick my friend inside your hidey-hole to keep you company.

  29. Jenna

    Those shorts Matthew is wearing remind me of the ones Ben Stiller wore in Dodgeball. Except creepier.

  30. LilRach

    Is it just my eyes or is Orlando wearing a stripy shirt and then it magically turns into a black one?

    anyway back to the subject i’d prefer Penelope anyday over Kate Bosworth. She’d be like fucking a bag of bones. Yuck yucks!

  31. Penelope Cruz looks like a duck. He goes from a woman with two mismatched glass eyes to one who quacks and has a waterproof coat.

  32. c

    Though I usually think everyone is gay, strangely, I buy that Orlando is somewhat into women. That’s why he finally dumped Kate right? I’m surprised Penelope went to Hyde with him though; I thought she was a bit too mature for that starlet clusterfuck of a bar. Anyway, since Kate quickly found a new, hotter boyfriend – James Rousseau – Orlando was probably just trying to save face. Penelope is definitely the girl to call for that, and it explains why they chose to go to Hyde.


  33. krisdylee

    I’d fuck Matthew…

    Oh indeedy do, I would.

  34. biatcho

    #19, I am sensing some sort of sarcasm in your tone, or rudeness as it were. This insubordination will not be tolerated on the Superficial. Isn’t everyone on here supposed to, like, play nice and like?

  35. IIII SURE HOPE Miss Matthew Mac has a lot of time on his hands, because he’ll be needing to get a move on if he plans to beat up everyone who calls him gay right now. Honestly, how can you not think so? My gaydar broke in the late 80s but even I know he and Lancenhaal are getting their Prada ankle boots knocked. So hop-to, Miss Matthew Mac!

    (how many calories does soap have? i am about to have to wash my own mouth out.)

  36. RichPort

    #13 – Mr. Fish has me laughing this week. I think it’s all the medication I stole from that kid down the hall who got hit by a bus. His screams of agony are starting to wake me up at night, so I may have to sneak in his apartment, push him out the window, rush him to the hospital, then steal some more. I’m nothing if not a good samaritan. Oh, and I’d hit Penelope so hard she’d start espeaking eSpanish like a fucking gringo.

  37. InstantAsshat-AddFame

    The Fish doesn’t make me laugh as hard as you guys do. I literally spit coffee on the table above my keyboard today, reading your comments on Paris’ pedophiliac video.

    I didn’t dare watch it for fear of going into cardiac arrest.

    The funniest thing about this thing here is that someone actually said that Penelope Cruz has meat on her bones. How can you really tell one walking skeleton from another?

  38. sundaybl00dysunday

    Kate Bosworth may be skinny but she has a very beautiful face, Penelope in the other hand is a fugly bitch and needs a nose job by the way

  39. They do have lots of anal sex, lots of it, you should see the vat of lube we just sent them… it’s costco size! LOL

    Okay, they really did not order the lube, we just thought they might need it. ;-)


  40. sjb16


    I totally agree with you. Kate needs to gain about 20 lbs. but she has a beautiful face. Penelope Cruz is an ugly little troll!

  41. joslibrarian

    good lord, what a step down for Penelope. Orlando looks like a weasel. What a scrawny, ugly man


  42. InstantAsshat-AddFame

    Orlando’s a gorgeous man! Trouble is, he’s a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio–capable of great gorgeousness, they seem most comfy looking like they just threw on yesterday’s clothes when they got up (or perhaps had slept in them and just got up), and groomed their hair by running one hand through greasy locks. Then they figure they’re good to go for the day. Blech. It’s like they’re afraid to look great except in the movies.

  43. weenis

    nothing could be finer than an elf in your vagina

  44. 86

    Obviously just for the press.

  45. Yeah, I’ve always wondered at which point are you a big enough celebrity to join the fruity-little-hat club. All the big stars have them, but it doesn’t mean they don’t look really gay.

  46. I couldn’t imagine caring any less about anything. They are perhaps the two most uninteresting, boring celebrities ever to grace the Superficial. I would rather an update on how quickly the grass in on top of Daniel Smiths grave. Was that inappropriate? Whoops.


  47. Praz

    Orlando Bloom is a slightly less man-ish version of Keira Knightley.

  48. Beastiephile

    Actually #7, Orlando always looks like a perv, hat or not. He goes through stages. Sometimes he looks like a creepy child molester perv. Sometimes not unlike a sick old man who makes advances at younger women or whoever. But as long as he keeps that mustache and keeps doing whatever it is that he does, it’s a given.

  49. Skippy

    The pictures are rubbish, for two reasons: 1) Orlando is wearing different shirts from one shot to another, and 2) In one picture, the car is parked backwards. By the time it gets to the last shot, the car is facing the other way.

    This indicates that either the shots were taken on two different nights, or that one left before the other, and probably didn’t even associate with each other that evening.

    It’s plausible that Orlando and Pen happened to be at the same venue, but apart from that, these pictures prove nothing.

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