Around this time every year, uber-celebrities and computer programmers around the world wake up at the crack of dawn, run out to the mailbox, and tear the cellophane from their latest Forbes with the enthusasim of a young child on Christmas morning. You see, this is when the business magazine releases its annual list of the world’s billionaires.
And you know it must have been quite the blow to Oprah’s confidence when she found herself ranked a pedestrian 562 of 793 total billionaires. Be wary, Earth. Oprah’s on the war path. And she won’t let you get in her way. Other notables on the list include:
Bill Gates, number uno
Richard Branson and Steven Spielberg, tied at 245
Donald Trump, 278
Ted Turner, 382
Nowhere on the list: Scott Stapp
jarhead | March 11, 2006 at 12:07 am
Nah, couldn’t do it!
Jeremy1Esq | March 11, 2006 at 12:08 am
Oprah can have a billion dollars, but she is still a fat pig with no personal relationships who will die alone and listen to a bunch of corrupt black racists and liberal white dudes in politics speak at her funeral.
Who would honestly want to be Oprah?
gmwilliams | July 14, 2011 at 3:24 pm
jeremy: Jealousy, jealousy.
Lulu | March 11, 2006 at 12:29 am
Bitter much Jeremy? Your perception seems a little off; perhaps if you remove that white sheet from over your head you can think easier. Or perhaps not…
_goodeyesniper_ | March 11, 2006 at 12:37 am
Are you kidding me my dear Jeremy? I would lurrrrrrrrve to be Oprah. I want to give away 30 cars at once, that’d be fantabulous.
Who was number two on the list…?
neophyte | March 11, 2006 at 12:39 am
Everybody is Oprah’s friend.
Richard Branson is a whore.
rds0811 | March 11, 2006 at 12:44 am
#4, I would guess that that Middle Eastern sheik (or prince or whatever) is number 2. I think he and Gates went back and forth for #1 several times.
neophyte | March 11, 2006 at 12:48 am
Warren Buffett is number two. He’s an asshole.
neophyte | March 11, 2006 at 12:49 am
Also: Bill Gates has been on top of the list for ten or eleven years now.
Cratylus | March 11, 2006 at 1:19 am
Bill Gates has given away $24 billion and is still number one. I don’t really have a point. It’s just something to contemplate when you’re rifling through sofa cushions for bus fair.
Erienne | March 11, 2006 at 1:36 am
cratylus-you are so right. except I root through the couch cushions to find gas money.
who doesn’t get excited when they see a quarter on the ground and pick it up?
maybe i’m the only one. :)
Jayne | March 11, 2006 at 1:42 am
“Nowhere on the list: Scott Stapp”
Love it.
#10, I get excited when I see a penny; let alone a god damn quarter.
The Serial Cynic | March 11, 2006 at 1:51 am
my take on Oprah.
http://theserialcynic.com/2006/01/million-little-ceases.html
mrschickee | March 11, 2006 at 2:09 am
LOL @ Scott Stapp
UCSD | March 11, 2006 at 2:20 am
#12 sweet plug into your own crappy article. You suckered me into clicking the link, only to get half way through an uninteresting and outdated article. Bravo.
As for Oprah, what a winner. Seriously, she gabs on stage with people that are inspirational, or people she likes or people she wants to meet. Basically, her job is to invite whomever she wants to talk to onto the show and give away giftbags to the audience. I wouldn’t mind making billions doing that.
mamacita | March 11, 2006 at 2:58 am
Damn. What I wouldn’t give to be “a pedestrian 562 of 793 total billionaires”. Some people have all the luck. Of course, she did have to bear witness to Tom Cruise’s ultimate freak-out. Not only did she witness it, but it was up close and personal. I guess it’s an even trade-off; I didn’t have to see that aberration in action and she gets to be a billionaire. On second thought, that’s not at all an even trade-off. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep.
hafaball | March 11, 2006 at 3:09 am
If for one year or two, women just stopped being so disgustingly emotionally sensitive, and actual would get a grip on reality a couple times, then Oprah would be as poor as us. Alas, this will never happen… (i.e. I’m kidding…so don;t hurt me…)
rivercmb | March 11, 2006 at 4:10 am
She’s the people’s billionaire
On the next Oprah: How to get caviar out of a cashmere sweater. Followed by Katrina relief sobbing.
faghag | March 11, 2006 at 8:24 am
I confess to a small Oprah habit since I had my kids. The bottom line is that she’s usually full of it but once in a while sheds light on a useful subject. I’m sure those who have benefited from her mega-billion spotlight on their plight don’t really care where the help comes from, just that they get it. That said, I think she’s hilariously out of touch most of the time, and up her own ass – #17 nailed it perfectly.
Spindoc | March 11, 2006 at 8:59 am
AFter the list came out, her “Best Friend” Gayle lookd up from between Oprahs thighs and said….ohhh, nice one baby, I’ve never gone down on a billionaire before” To which Oprah replied “Did I TELL you ta stop licking?!?”
thetruthhurts | March 11, 2006 at 9:02 am
#4: Just have to share this tidbit as it wasn’t heavily publicized and it drives me CRAZY…Oprah didn’t give jack away to her audience…it was PONTIAC who donated all the G6′s that were given to audience members. Of course that didn’t stop Oprah from getting all the publicity and taking all the credit…she’s a huge phony and that’s what bugs me about her.
Ah, now that that’s off my chest I can get back to hacking Pete Wentz’s Sidekick…now there’s a story O-bitch should cover in detail!
Shaun | March 11, 2006 at 9:34 am
Bill Gates – that is not new news.
It would be halarious to see Oprah retaliate. Bill appears as a special guest that day and he is left to mud wrestle Oprah because hse is p*ssed off. :D – Yes I know weird. But it could happen.
Shaun | March 11, 2006 at 9:36 am
Typo* she
amma | March 11, 2006 at 9:41 am
I agree with #’s 17 & 18. Oprah is out of touch, but her heart is in the right place. One thing I’ve got to say about her, she had to fight to get where she is today–unlike Natalie Portman. So for that, I give her credit, she’s totally self-made.
Grphdesi23 | March 11, 2006 at 10:53 am
You know what else is fascinating about Oprah?
She’s gay.
ESQ | March 11, 2006 at 2:51 pm
Note to Oprah: I will gladly accept a donation from you anytime.
As for Scott Stapp *maybe* next year
HollyJ | March 11, 2006 at 2:52 pm
@ 9 Cratylus lol
I have to say… I think Bill and Melinda are good peeps. They give SHITLOADS of money to charities. At least they do good stuff with THEIR batrilliozillions of dollars. I’d give away houses and cars if I had money like that! :::tossing cash into the air like Eva Peron:::
WTF do people like the Waltons (of Walmart/Walgreens, not “goodnight Johnboy”) do with their billions? They deprive their employees of decent benefits, that’s what. ASSHOLES! And the sheiks too .. ASSHOLES! (And I say that as a woman wearing PANTS with my hair uncovered and lips painted red, you mysogynistic bastard sheiks)
@ 17 Rivercmb ..lol.. “the people’s billionaire”
I don’t think Oprah gives a damn about anyone but herself. I get sooooo sick of seeing her pious smarmy face on the cover of her mag EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. I mean, what an egotist. She makes me want to hurl. She and Dr Phil-atio both.
ESQ | March 11, 2006 at 3:13 pm
In response to #26 – Walgreens was founded in 1901 by Charles R. Walgreen, Sr.
WalMart was founded by Sam Walton in 1962.
These two stores were created by two unrelated families.
Evangelia | March 11, 2006 at 3:44 pm
ha ha #17. you guys are funny today.
that said, i don’t watch oprah much, but i do like her magazine. it’s funny.
andrewthezeppo | March 11, 2006 at 4:18 pm
I thought the Ikea owner/founder/whatever was number 1 what happened?
HughJorganthethird | March 11, 2006 at 4:32 pm
How can this list be topped by a non-Jew? It makes no sense. I smell a conspiracy..
Evangelia | March 11, 2006 at 6:07 pm
bill gates is secretly a jew. duh, hugh. so is oprah. didn’t you know she’s producing a broadway musical?
angelatbone | March 11, 2006 at 6:08 pm
hahah
Oprah Sucks. Check out this article comparing oprah to god at the Velvet hot Tub
http://www.velvethottub.com it should be at the top of the page
Nasty Nomad | March 11, 2006 at 8:33 pm
Oprah is an annoying cunt, and a hypocrite to boot.
IgotMINE! | March 11, 2006 at 8:51 pm
9,10,11 and 19: luv the comments lol
i wouldnt be a bilionaire for long between the giving to less fortunate and spending on myself…well, i guess thats why im broke now… *silent*
hilary | March 11, 2006 at 8:55 pm
i love oprah. and her show.
in fact, i love her so much that i would pay to be oprah.
and then i would donate all of her money to myself, but that’s not the point.
nbk | March 11, 2006 at 8:56 pm
In my opinion, Oprah hardly give her audience a benefit of a doubt that they can think for themselves. If you ever come across her show, it often contains phrases like “here’s something you all want to know”, or “you don’t want to miss”, or “everybody should listen to this”, etc. But then again, I am not Oprah’s audience so I don’t know how stupificial they have to be.
With that said, I’d like to be on her “Oprah’s favourite things” episode. If getting shitload of free stuff only involves shitload of hysterical screaming, count me in.
BTW, I agree people shouldn’t bitch when they already get free cars. But will ya make it tax-free next time?
mamacita | March 11, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Hey, since this thread is so boring and lame, here’s something more interesting. For all those ladies (and there’s a lot of them, myself included) who think Jake Gyllenhaal is SUPA-FLY, check these babies out.
http://dlisted.blogspot.com/2006/03/jakes-morning-workout.html
All I have to say is……….mmm mmm mmmm MMMMM!
boobtube | March 11, 2006 at 9:57 pm
I would rather look at Winfrey’s crusty, fat, asshole, than look at pictures of some shitty overhyped “actor”.
mamacita | March 11, 2006 at 10:12 pm
#38
Well, la-dee-da. I guess you’re better than me. Not that I care, cause that man is delicioso.
Mugato | March 11, 2006 at 10:46 pm
I’ll never understand how she’s a billionaire. Isn’t she ultimatly a talk show host? Does she have anything else going on?
xaputa | March 11, 2006 at 11:50 pm
#40 (Mugato)
“I’ll never understand how she’s a billionaire. Isn’t she ultimatly a talk show host? Does she have anything else going on?”
Great big fucking d’uh!
I’ll never understand why people with these sort of metaphysical questions don’t just go to wikipedia or google.
I always wondered if she gets directly paid by the authors if she mentions a book, or gets a share of the sale profit. Editors must at least send her expensive gifts or get her paid vacations. Lucky her.
gogoboots | March 12, 2006 at 2:32 am
This is just written out of jealousy, who cares about the billionaires as long as they help out the rest of the country, and take up the slack that the Bush Administration has long failed to do…
Phoenix | March 12, 2006 at 7:51 am
I may sound like an idiot but who is Scott Stapp and why do we all hate him?
Sapphire | March 12, 2006 at 7:57 am
It’s funny how for Oprah to be a billionaire, others must be swept up in a heartbreaking tragedy so Oprah can play God’s descendant and dig her manicured nails into the latest reconstruction work, unleashing her underpaid crew to do all the actual fixing but sucking up all the ensuing fame and glory. Well at least, she picks dirt off people, looking at Mr. Gates.
mamacita | March 12, 2006 at 9:32 am
#42
Oh yes. That’s exactly it. The Superficial reported an actual documented fact, but they just did it out of jealousy. As far as I can see, Oprah hasn’t fixed Social Security, revamped our school systems, or paid down the national deficit. So, that would mean she’s not really taking up any of Bush’s slack. She occasionally helps out the common man, but for the most part she hobnobs with other celebrities and keeps making money. I don’t necessarily think she’s a bad person, but she’s not doing much for our country either, which is what you’re implying she does.
#43 Do a search on this site for Scott Stapp and it’ll be pretty evident who he is and why we all hate him. In a nutshell, he’s a fuck-up has-been.
lawgrrl | March 12, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Oprah is a hypocrite. One day she’s bragging that she built a school for the poor children of Africa (probably cost around 20 grand) and the next day she’s flaunting the hundreds of thousands of dollars she spent on her own damn birthday party, with custom china handpainted in 24 karat gold. She could BUY Africa with her billions. Philanthropist my ass.
Moon43215 | March 12, 2006 at 6:34 pm
To all the haters out there that like to belittle people that have achieved successes in life…..grow the fuck up!! Oprah has worked her ass off to get to where she is. True, that television like most entertainment and sports personalities are hugely over paid, but we allow it! We continue to hold these people up as celebrity, so why hate on them when they do human things, like donate one amount to this charity and them spend lavishly on themselves
adrock2xander | March 12, 2006 at 6:40 pm
One of the most successful talk show hosts is a BLACK woman who’s UGLY, BIG HAIR, FAT. Big whoop…
I can imagine her though, just after she steps out of the bank with bank balance receipt in hand, saying:
“All your money are belong to me! Muahahahah!”
hilary | March 12, 2006 at 7:15 pm
come on Superficial.. it’s been 2 days and the Oprah news is getting old. where’s the new stuff???
paige | March 12, 2006 at 8:25 pm
#39 #45
Why are your posts always causing trouble with others? Why are you always getting into confrontations with others? Do you realize that your posts always come off with a hint that you are mentally ill?