Olsen Twins Turn Down Fuller House, Bathe In John Stamos’ Tears

While it seemed like the Olsen Twins and John Stamos had reached an alliance that would allow one if not both of them to appear on Fuller House, they’re known for fostering a false sense of hope in their enemies before crushing them with their penance stare (above). Us Weekly reports:

“Although Ashley and Mary-Kate will not be a part of Fuller House, I know how much Full House has meant to them and they are still very much considered family,” [executive producer Robert L.] Boyett said in the statement on Friday, May 22. “It has been exciting to see how they have built their professional careers, and I support their choice to focus on their fashion brands and various business endeavors. I appreciate their support and good wishes towards Fuller House.”

A brokenhearted John Stamos released a statement of his own before eventually lashing out in anger which Mary-Kate and Ashley both collected in a goblet and drank heavily in the dark of the moon. Their eyes awash with the souls of the damned.

Just so you reporters know – this is not a money gig for any of us- quite the opposite – we want to give the fans what…

Posted by John Stamos on Friday, May 22, 2015


In related news, John Stamos was just found dead of a drug overdose, and no one knows how it happened because it definitely wasn’t Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Haha! Who even thinks like that? *pours line of salt across doorway* Just kidding, it was them. RUN.

Photo: Getty