You Know What? F*ck You, Jason Sudeikis

Because I have nothing to offer women outside of mediocre penetration and habitual mocking of every TV show they like, I’ll probably never to get have sex with Olivia Wilde. But if I do because that stuff I said earlier actually does sound kind of romantic if you think about it, it would’ve been nice if Jason Sudeikis’ baby didn’t pass through her vagina beforehand like People says it will. Fortunately, there’s still time, so quick, what’s your favorite show, Olivia? Chopped? Pfft. That’s for retards. (Call me. I’ll drive you to the clinic.)

Photo: INFdaily, Splash News, WENN