Olivia Munn’s Nakedness Saved The Elephants
When Olivia Munn posed nude for PETA (above) last year, I laughed it off as the blatant, self-serving publicity stunt it still is, especially when she showed up to the unveiling wearing leather boots like a goddamn idiot. Except it turns out the campaign actually worked, prompting federal investigators to fine Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus $270,000 for violating the Animal Welfare Act of 2007 which is apparently a thing. Via PETA:
PETA has been after the USDA all this time to take action against Ringling for abusing the animals in its care. In recent meetings, we presented unequivocal evidence of animal abuse, including beatings, the death of a lion, lame elephants forced to perform despite chronic pain, and a baby elephant who died during a training routine. We had recently filed a new formal request for action against Ringling, and our attorneys had met with the USDA’s general counsel and urged her to begin enforcement proceedings.
PETA presented testimonial and photographic evidence that baby elephants at Ringling’s training compound are torn away from their mothers and subjected to violent training sessions so that they will learn how to perform tricks, as well as video footage from a PETA investigation showing how elephants used by Ringling are whipped, beaten, and yanked by heavy, sharp steel-tipped bullhooks behind the scenes, prior to performing.
Thanks to an emotional, tear-filled night watching Water For Elephants over a cup of chamomile tea, I can now sleep at night knowing these noble anima
Oh, good, we spent taxpayer money making sure elephants aren’t being whipped. Phew! And for a second there, that money almost went to feeding humans. God, that would’ve sucked. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating cruelty to animals, but I’m also not advocating wasting a ton of time and energy while people are experiencing record unemployment and mass foreclosures. So as a solution, I propose a woman in a skintight catsuit runs around freeing animals from the circus whenever a guy dressed like a bat isn’t doing her, and/or an alien from Krypton with super strength from our yellow sun occasionally grabs a ringmaster’s whip right before he strikes a sick elephant. I think you’ll find my proposal fair, yet practical.
Adding… Patton Oswalt has a great bit about the circus on Finest Hour that I can’t seem to find an embed to, but definitely scope it out because it’s way funnier than whatever the hell I just said.