If you woke up today thinking to yourself you’d really like to see OJ Simpson having sex with two prostitutes then you’re in luck. And also a freak of nature. Celebrity sex tape distrubutor David Hans Schmidt released an OJ sex tape on Saturday and it features such lovely scenes as OJ snorting cocaine in the bathroom with one of the women while the other goes through his pants and takes money from his wallet. And another scene features OJ fittingly singing “If I only had a brain.”
“I didn’t believe in sex
wishiwasthere | June 5, 2006 at 5:00 pm
OJ RULES!
assholic | June 5, 2006 at 5:02 pm
Why are you so against this man? I love him.
Charlaurz McHall | June 5, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Bleugh, the very notion of this tape makes me shudder… and not in that very enjoyable way that the thought of Wolverine does. mmmmm, Wolverine…..
http://celebrityreligion.typepad.com/celebrity_religion/2006/05/da_vinci_who.html
why hasn’t he made a sex tape? A hairy, manly, dirty and rough sex tape??
jane's eyre | June 5, 2006 at 5:06 pm
Ewww. Those women got “juiced”. I hope this is a joke.
What they didn’t mention is that this is also a snuff film–’cuz, you know, OJ loves to kill his women.
jane's eyre | June 5, 2006 at 5:07 pm
3
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Who would think that mutton chops could look
so
damn
sexy????
mamasita | June 5, 2006 at 5:07 pm
fifth!!
redsonja1313 | June 5, 2006 at 5:07 pm
OMG make the visual stop please….where is collin ferral when you need his sex tapes
mrs.t | June 5, 2006 at 5:08 pm
I’m just glad he’s finally starting his singing career. If he puts out an album and K-Fed kills some people, they can play golf together.
Spindoc | June 5, 2006 at 5:08 pm
I think what most people will remember him for are those Avis Rent a Car Ads…..oh, and Slaughtering his ex wife.
PapaHotNuts | June 5, 2006 at 5:08 pm
From a famous statement made by U.S. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Senator Lloyd Bentsen to Republican vice-presidential candidate Senator J. Danforth Quayle during the 1988 vice-presidential debate.
“Senator, I served with an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape, I knew an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape, an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape.”
Off to the gym. You guys have a wonderful evening.
Doxes | June 5, 2006 at 5:09 pm
“This tape is garbage,” said Galanter. “And we can prove it. O.J. wouldn’t do anything like this.”
And he was going to spend the rest of his life tracking down his ex-wife’s killer because he wouldn’t commit murder, either. How’s that search going, OJ?
wishiwasthere | June 5, 2006 at 5:11 pm
#9- Guess the commercials weren’t so memorable- it was Hertz.
But yeah, the slaughtering of his wife and her friend is permanently etched in our minds forever.
Total Psycho!
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | June 5, 2006 at 5:13 pm
10 – I wish I could afford to go to the gym. I guess I’ll keep doing push-ups and lifting these heavy boxes of dreams I’m trying to sell for a penny *sob*
Mary45 | June 5, 2006 at 5:14 pm
We shouldn’t even be talking about this tool. What a fucking asshole. Will someone just kill him already??
jane's eyre | June 5, 2006 at 5:14 pm
“O.J. wouldn’t do anything like this”.
But he has no qualms about murdering his wife and some poor dude.
UNWASHEDMASSES | June 5, 2006 at 5:17 pm
All I want to know is does he decapitate the two whores after having sex with them?
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:19 pm
I can’t wait till my sex tape finally reaches the light of day. Like OJ, I am also snorting coke, and having sex with prostitutes. Unlike OJ, mine was filmed at 3 am in a 7/11 store. Who knew those security cameras had such good clarity?
Charlaurz McHall | June 5, 2006 at 5:20 pm
Tom Cruise Loves The Cock. I have the proof here,
http://celebrityreligion.typepad.com/celebrity_religion/2006/06/scientology_sup.html
UnwriteThis | June 5, 2006 at 5:21 pm
If I ever meet someone who admits to owning an OJ Simpson sex tape, I will never again look them in the eyes knowing what travesties their eyes have seen.
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:22 pm
If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.
I wonder if it’s hot enough for Johnny Cochran?
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Tranny, you said no one would ever see that video. I guess those weren’t pixie stix either.
jackspratling | June 5, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Celebrity sex tape checklist:
* Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee– check.
* Colin Farrell & model– check.
* Paris Hilton and cabana boys who had nothing to do at the time– check.
* …Now we have OJ Simpson and two random whores who make sure to check his pockets for Bowie knives before proceeding– CHECK!
TAPES WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR:
* Mary Kate Olson and a cucumber– it’ll be the closest she’s gotten to food all year.
* Lindsey Lohan and Fez from That 70′s show (you know it’s out there– you don’t go on Stern without videotape).
* Kathy Griffin and her one straight male fan. When Kathy Griffin finally finds her one straight male fan, she’ll rip her clothes off and jump right into his arms– on camera.
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Tranny, I am also telling Mom you’re calling me a prostitute again.
English_Rose | June 5, 2006 at 5:25 pm
What i find funny is he actually is PAYING these women to sleep with him because lets face it no women (with any respect for herself) would sleep with him for free…(well not unless your planning to go to an early grave)
frangly | June 5, 2006 at 5:25 pm
#20, Johnny Cochran be dead. I’m sure he’s hot enough where he is now.
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Saucie;
Don’t tell Mom, she won’t let us make out any more!
Celetina | June 5, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Oh, let’s give the man a little benefit of the doubt. I mean, given what we know about him (he murdered his wife and made a DVD cashing in on his “fame”), does he really seem like the type to make a sex tape? Really?
It’s almost too disgusting to bear. I know people who are desperate for fame, but now a murderer is being an attention whore? He’s doing everything he possibly can to stay in the public eye, as though somehow he’s endearing himself to us while doing so.
OJ, did you know there’s a super-secret celebrity A-list for folks that off themselves? You should try to get on it!
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Frankly, I believe OJ is sticking it to the Brown and Goldman families by paying them their civil suit monies with proceeds from a sex tape. It is disgusting.
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:31 pm
I actually got kicked out of a hardware store one time, looking for sex tape. The manager frowned on my method of determining quality. And nudity in general.
Fugurself | June 5, 2006 at 5:32 pm
I have a dream. In it, OJ marries Paris Hilton…
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:34 pm
#29 Did you look in plumbing?
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:34 pm
The plumbing department is where you always find the best pipe to lay.
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:35 pm
Saucie;
Let’s just say that certain plumbers are going to be very surprised when they open their new can of pipe flux.
Saucie | June 5, 2006 at 5:37 pm
#33 Are they getting 25% more FREE?
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:39 pm
At least 25%. They shouldn’t sell that stuff with those sexy little brushes and not expect a tryout.
Zanna | June 5, 2006 at 5:42 pm
“If I’m not sexually active, I become destructive” If it doesn’t fit..you must acquit.
Why didn’t he just use that as his defense. I want to put my stiletto heel right into his temple.
ScriptRadar | June 5, 2006 at 5:42 pm
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
O.J.
O.J. who?
I’ll kill yaaaaaaaaaargh!…
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:43 pm
I did finally find some suitable sex tape. I used it to tape a sleeping sunbather to me. I figured if we were taped long enough she would learn to love me. Some how she got to her cell phone, even before puppy-love set in. Now I can’t talk about this any more until they set a court dater.
Ungrateful bitch.
Fugurself | June 5, 2006 at 5:45 pm
OJ said the only anniversary he observes is when
he and his children mark their mother’s birthday with a cake.
*********
yeah, and i’ll bet that he CUTS IT with a “special” knife…
Marv Levy always knew that O.J. Simpson could make the final cut without practice.
Zanna | June 5, 2006 at 5:49 pm
Tranny:
It’s not that…I just wanted to call work and tell them I wasn’t coming in. Besides, the tape was making some tan lines in all the wrong places and I can’t be having that when I trapse around the pole.
Please don’t hate me baby. I swear I’m dropping the charges. Call me.
thenewjesus | June 5, 2006 at 5:50 pm
OK, this is a little difficult but I’ll give it a shot…
(generic witty remark including knives, prostitutes, and OJ’s wife)
(unrelated tie-in to current big celeb names in the media)
(sad finish about the tragedy of it all)
(“unexpected” twist in the end revealing my personal involvement in the story)
*double back flip to handstand*
TADA!
Zanna | June 5, 2006 at 5:51 pm
I meant “trapes”. But I know you know what I mean, Tranny.
saltpeanuts | June 5, 2006 at 5:55 pm
If the condom doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
TrannyGranny | June 5, 2006 at 5:58 pm
Zanna;
I am so glad to hear about the charges being dropped! Could you get the restraining order taken off as well, that camera I installed in your shower just doesn’t make me feel as close to you as hiding in the closet. Behind the trapes.
jane's eyre | June 5, 2006 at 5:59 pm
42
And I think you REALLY meant, “traipse”.
But yes, we know what you mean. Now go do your little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk.
jane's eyre | June 5, 2006 at 6:00 pm
Oh, wait, you’re a stripper. Do they have catwalks? Please say yes, because then my quote might still be funny.
Astriastar | June 5, 2006 at 6:09 pm
“I’m a
HollyJ | June 5, 2006 at 6:12 pm
He also posed for Science Today: (NSFW) http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.kasralainy.edu.eg/english/students/study/atlas_dermatology/male/male2/29.JPG&imgrefurl=http://www.kasralainy.edu.eg/english/students/study/atlas_dermatology/male/male2/MEDCP29.php&h=630&w=625&sz=42&tbnid=MB7Q6GMQNoi2TM:&tbnh=134&tbnw=132&hl=en&start=2&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dinfected%2Bscrotum%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DG
Pearly | June 5, 2006 at 6:17 pm
48-thanks I’m blind now.
30-I’d buy that tape as long as it came with a happy ending, and not the erotic massage type.
Fugurself | June 5, 2006 at 6:17 pm
@48 my dinner just came out…that is just nasty….