OJ Simpson made a sex tape

June 5th, 2006 // 237 Comments

oj-simpson-sex-tape.jpgIf you woke up today thinking to yourself you’d really like to see OJ Simpson having sex with two prostitutes then you’re in luck. And also a freak of nature. Celebrity sex tape distrubutor David Hans Schmidt released an OJ sex tape on Saturday and it features such lovely scenes as OJ snorting cocaine in the bathroom with one of the women while the other goes through his pants and takes money from his wallet. And another scene features OJ fittingly singing “If I only had a brain.”

“I didn’t believe in sex

superficial

  1. wishiwasthere

    OJ RULES!

  2. assholic

    Why are you so against this man? I love him.

  3. Charlaurz McHall

    Bleugh, the very notion of this tape makes me shudder… and not in that very enjoyable way that the thought of Wolverine does. mmmmm, Wolverine…..
    http://celebrityreligion.typepad.com/celebrity_religion/2006/05/da_vinci_who.html
    why hasn’t he made a sex tape? A hairy, manly, dirty and rough sex tape??

  4. jane's eyre

    Ewww. Those women got “juiced”. I hope this is a joke.

    What they didn’t mention is that this is also a snuff film–’cuz, you know, OJ loves to kill his women.

  5. jane's eyre

    3

    MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

    Who would think that mutton chops could look

    so

    damn

    sexy????

  6. mamasita

    fifth!!

  7. redsonja1313

    OMG make the visual stop please….where is collin ferral when you need his sex tapes

  8. mrs.t

    I’m just glad he’s finally starting his singing career. If he puts out an album and K-Fed kills some people, they can play golf together.

  9. I think what most people will remember him for are those Avis Rent a Car Ads…..oh, and Slaughtering his ex wife.

  10. PapaHotNuts

    From a famous statement made by U.S. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Senator Lloyd Bentsen to Republican vice-presidential candidate Senator J. Danforth Quayle during the 1988 vice-presidential debate.

    “Senator, I served with an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape, I knew an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape, an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no an O.J. Simpson Sex Tape.”

    Off to the gym. You guys have a wonderful evening.

  11. Doxes

    “This tape is garbage,” said Galanter. “And we can prove it. O.J. wouldn’t do anything like this.”

    And he was going to spend the rest of his life tracking down his ex-wife’s killer because he wouldn’t commit murder, either. How’s that search going, OJ?

  12. wishiwasthere

    #9- Guess the commercials weren’t so memorable- it was Hertz.

    But yeah, the slaughtering of his wife and her friend is permanently etched in our minds forever.

    Total Psycho!

  13. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    10 – I wish I could afford to go to the gym. I guess I’ll keep doing push-ups and lifting these heavy boxes of dreams I’m trying to sell for a penny *sob*

  14. Mary45

    We shouldn’t even be talking about this tool. What a fucking asshole. Will someone just kill him already??

  15. jane's eyre

    “O.J. wouldn’t do anything like this”.

    But he has no qualms about murdering his wife and some poor dude.

  16. All I want to know is does he decapitate the two whores after having sex with them?

  17. TrannyGranny

    I can’t wait till my sex tape finally reaches the light of day. Like OJ, I am also snorting coke, and having sex with prostitutes. Unlike OJ, mine was filmed at 3 am in a 7/11 store. Who knew those security cameras had such good clarity?

  18. Charlaurz McHall
  19. UnwriteThis

    If I ever meet someone who admits to owning an OJ Simpson sex tape, I will never again look them in the eyes knowing what travesties their eyes have seen.

  20. Saucie

    If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.
    I wonder if it’s hot enough for Johnny Cochran?

  21. Saucie

    Tranny, you said no one would ever see that video. I guess those weren’t pixie stix either.

  22. jackspratling

    Celebrity sex tape checklist:

    * Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee– check.

    * Colin Farrell & model– check.

    * Paris Hilton and cabana boys who had nothing to do at the time– check.

    * …Now we have OJ Simpson and two random whores who make sure to check his pockets for Bowie knives before proceeding– CHECK!

    TAPES WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR:

    * Mary Kate Olson and a cucumber– it’ll be the closest she’s gotten to food all year.

    * Lindsey Lohan and Fez from That 70′s show (you know it’s out there– you don’t go on Stern without videotape).

    * Kathy Griffin and her one straight male fan. When Kathy Griffin finally finds her one straight male fan, she’ll rip her clothes off and jump right into his arms– on camera.

  23. Saucie

    Tranny, I am also telling Mom you’re calling me a prostitute again.

  24. English_Rose

    What i find funny is he actually is PAYING these women to sleep with him because lets face it no women (with any respect for herself) would sleep with him for free…(well not unless your planning to go to an early grave)

  25. frangly

    #20, Johnny Cochran be dead. I’m sure he’s hot enough where he is now.

  26. TrannyGranny

    Saucie;

    Don’t tell Mom, she won’t let us make out any more!

  27. Celetina

    Oh, let’s give the man a little benefit of the doubt. I mean, given what we know about him (he murdered his wife and made a DVD cashing in on his “fame”), does he really seem like the type to make a sex tape? Really?

    It’s almost too disgusting to bear. I know people who are desperate for fame, but now a murderer is being an attention whore? He’s doing everything he possibly can to stay in the public eye, as though somehow he’s endearing himself to us while doing so.

    OJ, did you know there’s a super-secret celebrity A-list for folks that off themselves? You should try to get on it!

  28. Saucie

    Frankly, I believe OJ is sticking it to the Brown and Goldman families by paying them their civil suit monies with proceeds from a sex tape. It is disgusting.

  29. TrannyGranny

    I actually got kicked out of a hardware store one time, looking for sex tape. The manager frowned on my method of determining quality. And nudity in general.

  30. Fugurself

    I have a dream. In it, OJ marries Paris Hilton…

  31. Saucie

    #29 Did you look in plumbing?

  32. Saucie

    The plumbing department is where you always find the best pipe to lay.

  33. TrannyGranny

    Saucie;

    Let’s just say that certain plumbers are going to be very surprised when they open their new can of pipe flux.

  34. Saucie

    #33 Are they getting 25% more FREE?

  35. TrannyGranny

    At least 25%. They shouldn’t sell that stuff with those sexy little brushes and not expect a tryout.

  36. “If I’m not sexually active, I become destructive” If it doesn’t fit..you must acquit.

    Why didn’t he just use that as his defense. I want to put my stiletto heel right into his temple.

  37. ScriptRadar

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    O.J.
    O.J. who?
    I’ll kill yaaaaaaaaaargh!…

  38. TrannyGranny

    I did finally find some suitable sex tape. I used it to tape a sleeping sunbather to me. I figured if we were taped long enough she would learn to love me. Some how she got to her cell phone, even before puppy-love set in. Now I can’t talk about this any more until they set a court dater.

    Ungrateful bitch.

  39. Fugurself

    OJ said the only anniversary he observes is when
    he and his children mark their mother’s birthday with a cake.
    *********
    yeah, and i’ll bet that he CUTS IT with a “special” knife…
    Marv Levy always knew that O.J. Simpson could make the final cut without practice.

  40. Tranny:

    It’s not that…I just wanted to call work and tell them I wasn’t coming in. Besides, the tape was making some tan lines in all the wrong places and I can’t be having that when I trapse around the pole.

    Please don’t hate me baby. I swear I’m dropping the charges. Call me.

  41. thenewjesus

    OK, this is a little difficult but I’ll give it a shot…

    (generic witty remark including knives, prostitutes, and OJ’s wife)
    (unrelated tie-in to current big celeb names in the media)
    (sad finish about the tragedy of it all)
    (“unexpected” twist in the end revealing my personal involvement in the story)
    *double back flip to handstand*

    TADA!

  42. I meant “trapes”. But I know you know what I mean, Tranny.

  43. saltpeanuts

    If the condom doesn’t fit, you must acquit!

  44. TrannyGranny

    Zanna;

    I am so glad to hear about the charges being dropped! Could you get the restraining order taken off as well, that camera I installed in your shower just doesn’t make me feel as close to you as hiding in the closet. Behind the trapes.

  45. jane's eyre

    42

    And I think you REALLY meant, “traipse”.

    But yes, we know what you mean. Now go do your little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk.

  46. jane's eyre

    Oh, wait, you’re a stripper. Do they have catwalks? Please say yes, because then my quote might still be funny.

  47. Astriastar

    “I’m a

  48. Pearly

    48-thanks I’m blind now.
    30-I’d buy that tape as long as it came with a happy ending, and not the erotic massage type.

  49. Fugurself

    @48 my dinner just came out…that is just nasty….

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