Oh, Boy, It’s Kim Kardashian’s Single

March 2nd, 2011 // 143 Comments

Kim Kardashian premiered her single “Jam” on KIIS FM with Ryan Seacrest this morning, and it’s pretty much everything you’d imagine it to be: An auto-tuned, emotionless pile of vapid unoriginality that somehow manages to capture how annoying this whole family is and transform it into sound. Seriously, she doesn’t even sing. She just says words in a monotone voice. I’ve heard more excitement from Khloe’s diet pill voiceovers and she was trapped in a room with no access to steak for an hour. Or legally dead if we’re arguing semantics.

Photos: Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. gogo

    She’s single? Woot, Kim, here I come!

    • Misana

      hahahaha…. anyways. I listened to the single this morning and i wondered if they couldn’t at least have done a better job with the actual music. it’s AWFUL

    • anonymous

      @gogo Where are you going? To clear her table? She’s just sang a song where 3/4 of the lyrics were about paying bills and getting paid. She’s only interested in one thing.

    • Britney

      This song is as dreadfully fake as her body parts/face.

  2. ktulu

    “pay’n my bills, bi-ii-ii-lls”

    Jesus

    • bernie lomax

      Holy shit. Right? Fucking horrible. God this is depressing. I know kids with flip-phones that could drop better music.

  3. direchef

    I guess Montag has some company in the DJ-ugg club.

    • sassafrass

      Hahaha, so true! Did all the surgeries affect their hearing? How could she hear this and honestly say “I am proud of this and want people to hear it”?

  4. Hemingway

    So she debuted the “song” on the radio show of the guy that is the executive producer of her TV show?

    This seems legit…Seacrest isn’t gonna make anything off of this….

    • creamy zinger

      No shit! But, anyone willing to part with their hard-earned cash to purchase anything having to do with KK, presented by Ryan Semencrust, deserves to be subject to an assault on the senses, and this definitely fits the bill.
      Oh, and DIE, BITCH!!!

  5. Wishbone

    save your time…it sucks

  6. Sugar

    I made it through 1:27.

  7. alexandra

    two thumbs down. sounds like a robot that is coming down with the cold.

    • Practice Girlfriend/Wang Poon-Pok

      I wish I had more hands so I could give that song, ass, career 4 thumbs down!

  8. SaraDevil

    Was this produced by Kevin Federline?

    • Michelle

      lol, Honestly, Kevin Federline’s song was waaaay better than this. Even the few Paris Hilton singles were 500% better. Doesn’t she have enough money to pay someone to make this better?

  9. blonde

    awful. aaa-aaa-aawful

  10. ANA

    THAT IS HORRIBLE!!!

    SHE SHOULD STICK TO SEXTAPES!!!

    THAT IS HORRIBLE!!!

    SHE SHOULD STICK TO SEXTAPES!!!

    THAT IS HORRIBLE!!!

    SHE SHOULD STICK TO SEXTAPES!!!

  11. JC

    “I’ve never sang before…”

    Um, Kim, technically speaking, you still haven’t. Yikes. That’s bad even by the low standards of crappy club music.

  12. Alex

    i’d rather listen to another man’s turds splash in the toiletbowl from a stall over

    • Deacon Jones

      and smell them as well

    • mel

      kim k’s anal aroma could gag even the most hardcore diarrhea enthusiast. it could also choke a pig farmer (like kris jenner, who raises pigs and then sells their manure to the viewing public). fuck me… i should get paid for this writing this gold!

  13. Practice Girlfriend/Wang Poon-Pok

    It reminds me of Dethklok- Fan Song, except it’s not catchy or funny, and she’s genuinely trying to kill her fans with whatever that was.

  14. When I was in college I tried to make it as a musician by playing drums in crappy bars. Now I see that I just should have had a giant ass and taped myself sucking black dong for the internet.

  15. LJ

    Just proving that she is completely devoid of talent.

  16. MelodyC

    “Whip My Hair” has just slipped to #2 on the list of Songs That Fill Me With Blind, Pathological Rage.

    MELODYC SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Lady Blah Blah

    Ah jeez, can’t we go a week without this bitch?

    • horn dog

      I was thinking the same thing – and I almost said so yesterday but didn’t wanna jinx it! And now, this?? Whew.
      At least they airbrushed out the cleavage roadmap this time.

  18. Richard McBeef

    honestly one of the worst things i have ever heard that is still billed as music. it’s worse than montag’s song, considerably worse. the vocals are atrocious, the lyrics are terrible, and the production isn’t any better. there is literally not a single positive that can be said about this and I can come up with something positive to say about ‘whip my hair’.

    i’m sure it will earn that bitch a cool half mil though.

  19. I think Britney could do a better job on a McFlurry high.

    • Jerry Jones

      hahahahaha! i guess getting pissed on by an ex-boyfriend on video really DOES WONDERS for the career.

  20. Sunshine

    She is saying “Gag gag gag gag” riiiight?

    • Richard McBeef

      she’s certainly saying gag.

      she also says something about “we gon potty then we gonna potty some more”. I’m sure it goes into more detail about golden showers, but I quit listening.

  21. ladykaka

    Wow. Those eyelashes. I think I saw one of them in my basement scuttling toward the drain in the floor right before I smushed it with a broom handle. Or maybe it was just a relative. R.I.P.

  22. JustSaying

    When was the last time anyone used the word ‘Jam’ anyway?

  23. ladykaka

    I’m gonna wait for the Sasquatch remix “Toe Jam”…

    I’m sure her saying “I’ve never sang before…” really makes those people with real talent feel happy that they’re working hard at it.

  24. “An auto-tuned, emotionless pile of vapid unoriginality that somehow manages to capture how annoying this whole family is and transform it into sound.”

    After reading that I was expecting to hear a really wet shart. Imagine my disappointment, Fish, to find that 2 seconds into it you’d overhyped the whole thing.

  25. Devo

    “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off…”

  26. Rough deserve to be in Kimmy's jam

    Sounds good!

  27. bday55

    It’s not THAT bad. Sounds like almost every other stupid club tune today. I think it’s better than Heidi’s.

  28. cupcake

    “They play in my jam”
    What flavor of jam would that be? Armenian Cellulite Marmalade?
    Way to phone it in, Kim. This single has as much energy as she exerts in her Sketchers Shape-Ups. (ie: None) The worst. This bitch needs to OD. It is the only way she would ever be remotely interesting.

  29. I knew that I would hate it before I listened. Then I listened, and it made me want to punch a nun in the ovary. Straight shot. Right to the baby maker!

  30. horn dog

    Ugh. That was so painful, it makes her less attractive than she already was…and her stock is already in the toilet. Not just any toilet, but one along a hiking trail with years worth of fluids and fecal matter festering into a stew that must be the inspiration for her “music.”

  31. 8bitjeff

    Sounds like Ke$sa had an ass, boob, hair, and face transplant.

  32. DM

    All that money and she couldn’t hire someone to make her sound better than that? She makes Heidi sound angelic by comparison……..

  33. Ted

    I think with her butt it should have been titled “Jelly”.

  34. Becky

    there are so many talented people out there, and they record that?

  35. Mr Winter

    She sounds like the bastard child of Eeyore and Heidi Montag

  36. oh boy i can’t wait to never head it

    fuck off kartrashians

  37. yeah right

    That couldn’t suck worse! Yuck!

  38. Well, I guess the “music for people who hate music” demographic has been fully exploited now.

  39. freebie

    How many animals died for the fur around her eyes?

  40. Joe

    The experience of listening to it is like stripping her naked, getting her down on all fours, and then encountering bits of soiled toilet paper that fermented after being trapped in her asscrack for a month.

  41. Deacon Jones

    We didn’t she just autotune herself gargling cum for 5 minutes?

    At least THAT would’ve sounded artistic.

  42. Amanda

    “I’m going to potty then potty some more” wtf?

  43. Rancid

    I wonder when guy near her mentions that he’s “going to take a piss” she instinctively opens her mouth.

    • Deacon Jones

      You know, I finally found her sextape online and the fuckers edited that part out. I was pissed.

  44. Burt

    Mmm, as if her spoken voice isn’t annoying enough on its own, she had to add a thunderous beat to it.

  45. Drew

    It doesn’t even sound remotely like her. I guess autotune did the world a service for once.

  46. She could have been a winner if she covered that “Let Me Ride That Donkey” song.

  47. You know what this song needs? Wookie samples.

  48. suck it

    I listened with an opened mind, and made it all the way through the song. But it really sucks! What piece of shit song. Terrible.

  49. Willy Crawford

    Daaamnnn! That is one hot jam! It’s already on my iPod…

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