Of Course John Mayer Uses ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ To Pick Up Chicks

May 23rd, 2012 // 15 Comments
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John Mayer has a new album to promote, so it’s time to make with what he thinks are hilarious slice-of-life stories about how much pussy he gets because he’s so super-rich it doesn’t even matter that he walks around pretending to be Johnny Depp. Or homeless. I don’t even know how you tell the difference. Via HuffPost:

Mayer recounted how he noticed that the woman was reading “50 Shades Of Grey.”
So he took the initiative and “said, ‘I’m gonna sing it to you.’ So I sang one of the pages,” he told an incredulous Jimmy Fallon.
The woman’s reaction? “She fell to the ground laughing,” he said.

And then after she stopped laughing, John Mayer banged her because we live in a world where Elisabetta Canalis had sex with Steve-O, so literally anything is possible at this point. Cats are probably scoring with Victoria’s Secret models as we speak. “Sure, baby, Leo’s a cool guy and everything, but does he scratch blue-covered rocks over his poop? ‘Swhat I thought. Now why don’t you come on back to my place and lactate up a saucer of milk for me while I blow your mind?”

NOTE: Hulu won’t let me embed this vid, so I shouldn’t even bother linking it, except it’s a surprisingly hilarious SNL fake commercial about Fifty Shades of Grey that further accentuates how fucked that show will be without Kristen Wiig, says the man who honestly hasn’t watched an episode since 1999 but loves making grand sweeping statements like he knows what he talks about. It’s pretty fun.

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. Look

    Please note his forearms/hands. See how veiny they look? Yeah, that’s because he’s THIN. Everyone here always snarks on women who have veiny “grandma” hands. FYI, they aren’t old hands dumbass, they are the hands of someone who is in shape. I see thin people with veiny hands at all different ages, even under 20.

    • Johnny P!

      Yes, but how about when you’re over 1,000 years old? They take on a special kind of “sinewy/veiny” quality (*see Madonna).

  2. I’m not going to hate on the guy. He’s rich, he nails plenty of women (some famous) and he just doesn’t give a shit how he looks. Not a bad life.

  3. Johnny P!

    Then he sang a few pages of “The Cat in the Hat” to a girl in a playground, followed by a couple of paragraphs of Clive Barker’s “Books of Blood” to a Goth chick at a coffee shop.
    Can’t wait ’til he gets his voice back and starts touring again.
    Should be quite… literary.

  4. Abby Normal

    Sorry Sinead, I hear his penis is brown-averse… difficult or otherwise.

  5. DeucePickle

    You know, there should be more pictures of Kristen Wiig on here.
    Super hot and super funny. Plus I’m sure no one would mind there being fewer Rusic , Stodden or Prince Charles pics.

  6. John Mayer Shades Of Grey Andy Cohen
    Commented on this photo:

    The couple show their distaste for a window treatment.

  7. Dramatic Puddle

    This guy is a total douche. I wouldn’t let him fuck me no matter how rich or famous he is. He’s just way too lame. And in need of a shower.

  8. Crissy

    Ah whatever, that’s what she tells everyone, she’s really sucking cock!

  9. John Mayer Shades Of Grey Andy Cohen
    Commented on this photo:

    Images like this are what I think of when I read articles about John Mayer. Except with more penises.

  10. DearGod

    Ugh. This was the one place – ONE PLACE – I haven’t seen shit about 50 Shades of ‘I Did A Name/ Replace on My Twilight Fanfiction – Aren’t I So Clever to Have Written the Loneliest Tampon – I Read a BDSM Book Once and Faked My Way Through This Story that Makes Your Gramma Fap (aka – My Twitter Followers Wrote My Book). That’s why I liked it here.

    Add in John Fucking Mayer and I want to punch a kitten today. So thanks.

  11. EricLr

    Am I the only one who didn’t like Kristin Wiig (or the crazy overrated Tina Fey either, for that matter)? I never found her characters to be very funny, and they beat them into the ground so badly that even the few I did like got old very fast. For the last two years, it’s been one “Kristin Wiig does her wacky character that we’ve seen 1,000 times already” skit after another on that show, interspersed with the occasional, much funnier, Samberg short. Between that and the constant parade of annoying cameos from former castmembers/hosts, it’s amazing the regular cast even gets any screen-time at all.

  12. The Cat in the Hat” to a girl in a playground, followed by a couple of paragraphs of Clive Barker’s “Books of Blood” http://bit.ly/KRqwll

  13. John Mayer Shades Of Grey Andy Cohen
    Commented on this photo:

    oooohh my god. i clicked on this picture because i thought he was walking with a chick……..

  14. Sarah

    John Mayer tried to take me home from a party in Atlanta last year by telling me:

    “I wish I could put a baby in you so we could respectfully kill it together”


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