Of Course John Mayer Uses ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ To Pick Up Chicks

John Mayer has a new album to promote, so it’s time to make with what he thinks are hilarious slice-of-life stories about how much pussy he gets because he’s so super-rich it doesn’t even matter that he walks around pretending to be Johnny Depp. Or homeless. I don’t even know how you tell the difference. Via HuffPost:

Mayer recounted how he noticed that the woman was reading “50 Shades Of Grey.”
So he took the initiative and “said, ‘I’m gonna sing it to you.’ So I sang one of the pages,” he told an incredulous Jimmy Fallon.
The woman’s reaction? “She fell to the ground laughing,” he said.

And then after she stopped laughing, John Mayer banged her because we live in a world where Elisabetta Canalis had sex with Steve-O, so literally anything is possible at this point. Cats are probably scoring with Victoria’s Secret models as we speak. “Sure, baby, Leo’s a cool guy and everything, but does he scratch blue-covered rocks over his poop? ‘Swhat I thought. Now why don’t you come on back to my place and lactate up a saucer of milk for me while I blow your mind?”

NOTE: Hulu won’t let me embed this vid, so I shouldn’t even bother linking it, except it’s a surprisingly hilarious SNL fake commercial about Fifty Shades of Grey that further accentuates how fucked that show will be without Kristen Wiig, says the man who honestly hasn’t watched an episode since 1999 but loves making grand sweeping statements like he knows what he talks about. It’s pretty fun.

Photos: Pacific Coast News