Obama Releases Birth Certificate

“Robot HOOUUUUSEEEE! I mean, Obama.”

President Obama apparently woke up this morning and decided to see how many times he could make Donald Trump’s toupee spin because he just released his supposedly mythical long form Hawaiian birth certificate which is now available on the White House blog:

The President believed the distraction over his birth certificate wasn’t good for the country. It may have been good politics and good TV, but it was bad for the American people and distracting from the many challenges we face as a country. Therefore, the President directed his counsel to review the legal authority for seeking access to the long form certificate and to request on that basis that the Hawaii State Department of Health make an exception to release a copy of his long form birth certificate. They granted that exception in part because of the tremendous volume of requests they had been getting.
At a time of great consequence for this country – when we should be debating how we win the future, reduce our deficit, deal with high gas prices, and bring stability to the Middle East, Washington, DC, was once again distracted by a fake issue. The President’s hope is that with this step, we can move on to debating the bigger issues that matter to the American people and the future of the country.

Of course, the most hilarious part about all this is like it means anything. The people, unlike Donald Trump, who genuinely believe Obama is a secret Kenyan assassin plotting to turn the Constitution into Sharia Law wouldn’t be convinced he’s an American if they watched him be birthed on Texas soil in the backseat of a Chevrolet filled with apple pie. The guy could spear Osama Bin Laden through the chest with a bald eagle, yelling “Free markets, HOOOOO!” and they’d still be sitting there going, “Yeah, I dunno. Maybe if he didn’t have black skin. Not trying to be racist!”

UPDATE: Someone’s got a boner. Via TMZ:

“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish.”
Trump added, “I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true so that we can get on to much more important matters … he should have done it a long time ago.”
He continued, “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue.”
As for the actual document, Trump added, “We have to look at it, we have to see … is it real? Is it proper? What’s on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully.”

Read: “Shit, he actually released it? That’s, uh, that’s what I wanted all along. Yes… yes… *rubs chin*

Photos: Getty