Now We’re Supposed To Believe Tom Cruise Is Banging Malin Akerman’s Sister. Her Female Sister.

December 20th, 2012 // 32 Comments
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Just a few months ago, the anti-gay rumor squad known as Tom Cruise‘s PR team squeezed out a log made entirely of these lies. But since Cameron Diaz is a full three feet taller than him and would never let him be a bottom, we’ve now got another completely believable story that isn’t at all built entirely on pictures of Tom standing next to someone’s sister who recently starred in a movie with him. via The Sun:

It was scripted for Tom and Malin to get it on on-screen but Tom and Jennifer hit it off naturally at the Stockholm premiere of his latest film Jack Reacher last week.

While there’s not a ton of information out there on Jennifer Akerman, we know that she is actually Malin Akerman‘s sister and judging from this photo set, also clearly comfortable around small-statured homosexual men. Maybe that’s just a coincidence, or maybe this man is scared shitless that he didn’t properly tighten her genital suppression unit and Mr. Cruise is going to make him re-upholster the Mind-Rape Mobile. I don’t know, I’m not a detective, but it doesn’t take Kojak to know this face would send Tom screaming from the room. And into a highway rest stop. Am I making myself clear here?

Photo: Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. I have a disturbing feeling that the only reason you broke out a Kojak reference is because of the Vin Diesel remake that’s in the works. Tell me it’s not true, Fish. Tell me it’s not true.

  2. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Is the 1960s stewardess look a trend now?

  3. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    “Tom Cruise comes up to here on me … in his high heels.”

  4. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Uh, what exactly is occurring here with her face?

  5. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    JC
    Commented on this photo:

    Now we know what it would look like if a human and a Cabbage Patch Kid mated.

  6. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    noodles
    Commented on this photo:

    looks like Tom’s minders have been slapping her around – nasty swelling

  7. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    vandinz
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she storing nuts for winter in them cheeks?

  8. the premier was in Stockholm? As in the syndrome?

    it all fits.

  9. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like a doll. I’m pretty sure she’s from the Uncanny Valley.

  10. Adam Frawley

    She’s his rebound fuck? Starting out low and humble , eh , Mr. Cruise ?

  11. James Marshall

    She likes it doggy style , or so Tom says.

  12. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, that’s a chubby face. Never got rid of that baby fat , did you?

  13. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    How old is this chick? Because she looks 12.

  14. alex

    Djuna is SMOKING!

  15. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Makes sense. She’s a poor man’s Malin Akerman who’s a poor man’s Cameron Diaz.

  16. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    renzomatic
    Commented on this photo:

    Val Kilmer in the re-make of Deliverance approves.

  17. anonym

    Puffiest cheeks I’ve seen

  18. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    Something is not right with that face – it looks like a Thanksgiving Day Macy’s Parade balloon

  19. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Tom Cruise can have that fixed – To look more male.

  20. Personally, I think she is adorable and makes Malin look like a boy.

  21. sobrietyisacrutch

    She just doesn’t look – real.

  22. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Sliver
    Commented on this photo:

    So am I to assume Malin got the looks in that family?

  23. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Edvard Munch
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s pretty hot. Way hotter than her sister ever was.

  24. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Edvard Munch
    Commented on this photo:

    She walks around with that guy to feel like she has a bf thats not 5’3″, like Tom Cruise.

  25. sc4play

    And next, they have some beautiful ocean-front property in Arizona they’d like to sell you. Dirt cheap, too!

  26. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Fishballs
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously, is this the best Xenu conjure up for his most loyal disciple?

  27. Jennifer Akerman Dating Tom Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s even had a nose job and she’s still fugly.

  28. Anonymous

    This isn’t any more ludicrous than Hugh Jackman and his beard wife Deb.

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