Noah Cyrus Did a Thing at The MTV Movie Show Award Thing

Just a quick brief before we get to the lil’ sis of the Diaper Queen: The MTV Movie Awards are no longer called the MTV Movie Awards, they’re the “MTV Movie and TV Awards,” now because television production has finally hit puberty and isn’t going to let movies push it around anymore… Notice how I used the gender neutral “it”? That’s because award statues of gold popcorn don’t have dicks or vaginas… they’re more progressive and inclusive and filled with money. Emma Watson won best actor (not actress because MTV don’t play dat patriarchal s***it, bro) for falling in love with an abusive sasquatch in a mocap suit. Dash on the fact that most of the people that showed up were C-list reality stars, Pitbull performed, and airtime was actually approved for this gag-worthy racial humor- it was a slam dunk shit show.

I was pretty disappointed that they cut out the part where someone takes out a whip and starts showing off their vagina while smearing chicken wings on their butt, but MTV couldn’t book Miley Cyrus this year she’s casting 8ft. care-bear trannies for her new tour). Instead they settled for Billy Ray’s rookie of the year, Noah. Here’s a breakdown of her performance:

  • Backup dancers dressed like characters from an anti-drug PSA.
  • The set looked like the place where radical teenagers go to skateboard, smoke cigs and train to be evil ninjas.
  • They pre-recorded the children’s choir so they just stuffed a bunch of people on bleachers for effect.
  • Noah was really out of breath and dressed in urban pajamas or something? She should have lip synced. People would have understood.

MTV kind of feels like your best friend that you’ve chained to a tree in your back yard after they turned into a zombie. You keep a distance, but every once in a while you need to just check in and make sure their pulse is still beating the rhythm of Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida”.