Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are paranoid

June 5th, 2006 // 74 Comments

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are so worried about the paparazzi that they’re staging their June 25 Sydney, Australia wedding at sunset so it’ll be nearly impossible for photographers to get overhead helicopter shots that are decent and marketable.

It’s a good idea, but I doubt anybody cares enough about either of these two to go through the trouble. I can’t remember the last movie Nicole Kidman’s been in and I’ve never known who Keith Urban is. It’d be like telling me there’s no way I can get shots of Screech’s wedding. Yeah. Great. Real shame. I’ll console my sorrow in ice cream. Although I am curious as to why Nicole is marrying somebody even shorter than Tom Cruise. Maybe she’s trying to live out her childhood dream of one day marrying a Cabbage Patch Kid.



  1. Iambananas


  2. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    I suddenly feel compelled to buy some L.L. Bean.

  3. Iambananas

    In other news, I can’t STAND Nicole Kidman!! Did anyone see Bewitched? She whispered in the whole movie! It was annoying!!!

    I didn’t even know she was still making movies, let alone do I care about her wedding.

  4. Iambananas

    wow, that guy is REALLY short! Know what Dr. Laura says about older woman marrying younger men (I think the same can be applied to height)…

    They want to be dominant and bossy and controlling. That’s why she likes short guys!

  5. marlo

    I think anyone with the username lambananas shouldn’t be allowed to make comments about people with annoying voices. At least Nicole doesn’t say “dude, you know?” all the damn time.

  6. asmith

    Now I would be interested if she was going to do a tell-all Tom Cruise bashing interview about how much he loves the cock and how wacked out he is. That would be fun…..I’d buy it on pay-per-view. DO IT NIC! :-D

  7. Iambananas

    Wow, I got first… that’s a second for me!
    I still don’t get Nicole Kidman and the obsession over her. I would be MORE interested in Screeches wedding, and I’m totally serious.

  8. jane's eyre

    Wow, 4 out of 7 posts by the same person.

  9. jane's eyre


    I second that motion. Then she could hand out TCLTC T-shirts afterward.

  10. TaiTai

    Looks like a scene from Deliverance to me. One of them will be sqealing like a pig any minute now.

  11. BarbadoSlim

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Ms. Kidman ah, nobody gives a shit about you, or your cokefiend boytoy.

  12. Jacq

    He looks like a Jesse James wannabe right there.

    Asmith, I concur as to the tell-all. Not like we don’t already know, we just need the confirmation.

    #9 – I would belive that we would all be owed some sort of percentage on the TCLTC shirts, though, since that was started right here.

  13. Dr.Rokter

    I saw that guy at a guitar store the other day. He turned his guitar way up and kept running through blues riffs, stopping to retune every minute or two. Then he started yelling at some kid about memorizing the Chromatic Wheel, and how Steve Vai was a punk that takes credit for Ry Cooder’s work in the movie “Crossroads”, and how Frank Zappa and Angus Young were both finger tapping before Eddie VanHalen, but it didn’t matter because Rock started dying when “black people” stopped playing it, and it finally passed away in ’82. Then he put up a flyer for his Funk/Metal/Jazz-fusion band and left.

  14. sweetcheeks

    Nicole told me that the reason for a sunset wedding was that Keith felt that “dusk light” best compliments his buttery highlights.

    And also, Nic said when it starts to get darker outside, you can’t really see how much of a fucking panty-waist queer he is.

  15. Jacq

    If they have it at night, everyone can still get pics because I bet Nicole glows in the dark.

  16. Mr. Fritz

    This story blows. On a different topic, why is Kathy Griffin still on TV? She supposedly had a ton of plastic surgery and she still looks like a red haired Andy Dick. Bravo has gone down the poop hole!

  17. I think the last movie she was in the the darling of the critics that set international box office records…..Bewitched. Gee Nicole, you played the witch kind os breathy and dumb, wow, what a brave acting choice….Too bad Maralyn Monroe beat you to that character oh about 50 years earlier.

  18. BarbadoSlim

    @16 …Kathy can be really annoying but I must say, I’m liking her new celebrity bashing schtick. Have you seen her bashing on Gwyneth what’s her face?

    Gold!! , you’ve gotta give props to someone who got fired by E for not kissin’ celebrity butt.

  19. Pearly

    I read she is planning a big Roman Catholic wedding. I wonder what Tom thinks of that? Maybe she won’t get to see their “kids” if she isn’t practicing Scientology. Oh yeah and she and Nicolette Sheridan must have the same plastic surgeon because they both have the scrunched up nose face, like they can’t smile w/o their whole face bunching up because it’s too tight. Yuck. I can’t stand her.

  20. ericisshort

    As a short guy (5’4) who loves tall women, props to Kidman for digging shorter guys. Having a girlfriend thats taller than me is so hot, taller guys always giving me a look like I have no business with a womaan of their stature.

  21. kandyk0119

    I like Keith, I just don’t know what the big dealis about her…She’s always been so ugly! And now her face looks animated…

  22. jane's eyre


    I don’t think he can legally keep her from seeing her kids. But if they’re brainwashed like Katie, they won’t want to.

    I think Nicole used to be prettier, before she had blonde hair and looked like a wet pekingnese.

  23. Pearly

    You can bet those poor kids have been believeing in Xenu since the day the got dropped off at the Cruise residence. My guess is they will pray for her since anyone who goes against then is considered an “abberation” because she is afflicted by “departure from rational thought.” Their words, not mine!

  24. jackspratling

    In related news, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are so worried about their sex tapes appearing on the Internet that the last time they made a sex tape, they taped it in the dark, with all the lights off, with no sound, no film, and no camera.

    It’s a good idea, but I doubt anybody cares enough about either of these two, when we have so many other fine celebrity sex tape offerings from Paris Hilton and Colin Farrell.

    Although I am curious as to who Nicole is marrying (Keith who?)– chances are he’ll end up loving the cock more than Tom Cruise.

    In other news, Kathy Griffin tried to create a sex tape and nobody showed up.

  25. BoredBlonde

    Nicole Kidman is hideously ugly now a days. Her forehead is so big it is a FIVEhead and she’s like 9 feet tall and weighs probaly 100lbs. Her skin looks like she has been dead for the past 8 years. Plus isn’t she like the worst mother ever? The last time she was photo graphed with her kids was like 2002. Who cares if they get married.

  26. Jacq

    #24 – Actually Andy Dick and some dude showed up for Kathy’s tape, but they didn’t want her in it.

  27. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Nicole Kidman looks like she’s about to address the Hitler Youth Army and Keith Urban is the guy that will play fun and functional children’s propaganda songs on guitar to teach them about Aryan musical superiority.

  28. snookyookums

    Hold on now.
    Keith is a big time country music singer and eveb if you hate country music (YAWN), he’s very popular in the US and Australia.
    OK, Bewitched wasn’t a great movie. But I think she is an amazing actress based on
    1.her marriage to Tom Cruise
    2.Making their break-up look like she was heartbroken.
    We should be thinking Oscar!

  29. Fisher55

    26, HAHA yer funny

  30. Fisher55

    Nicole Kidman was a guest speaker at my Botox Anonymous meeting last week, and she sucked cuz she couldn’t open her mouth wide enough to speak

  31. English_Rose

    Or maybe their both vampires (or bossibly were-wolves)and feel that it will be more symbolic to have the wedding at night when they can reveal there true selves

    (oh dear that was shite)

  32. ar76

    I read comments all the time for complete amusment. But I have to respond to this one! I live in Nashville and work in the music industry and trust me if you could see Keith Urban in person, you would understand her attraction. First of all, he’s really not much shorter than her. I’ve met her to…she’s a flawless beauty with no plastic surgery! It is appareant that the picture is taken on uneven ground and he’s walking behind her! Hence that would make it look like he’s a midget! I am tired of Hollywood making fun of them. He’s a nice guy! They can live here in Nashville and be left alone. We know how to respect people here.

  33. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    32 – Hey do you live in Candy Land where everything is made of money and people have ten-hour orgasms by just lying around on the beach?
    Because in Candy Land nobody makes fun of celebrities and beer is free.

  34. gogoboots

    Exactly who cares if these two nobodies get married…burst their bubble!

  35. Fisher55

    #32, your delusions are boring…go get a life ‘kaythanksss

  36. jane's eyre

    Stop inbreeding! Ban country music.

  37. #32, if she is a flawless natural beauty with no plastic surgery etc…

    Then please explain to me what happened to all the freackles she used to have? HEck she had more crows feet when she did that movie “Dead Calm” with Sam Neil and Billy Zane back around 1990 than she does now. There is so much botox in there that people get numb just looking at her picture.

  38. tsarinaamanda


    You’re more than welcome to them, as long as you take Parasite Hilton, Hohan, and the rest of the Hollywood scum along. And if you believe Nicole is a “flawless beauty” without plastic surgery, then you are truly one of the dumbest people alive. Although your little fantasy world sounds kinda interesting….

  39. Dancer

    I happen to like both Kidman and Urban, although I think they make a strange couple! Urban is one of the top country/Western artists in the world. Kidman is still hugely popular in Australia, the UK and even the U.S. You better believe the paps will be circling! It won’t be a Brangelina frenzy, but they will be out in force. She has consciously lowered her profile to almost non-existant because of her experiences with Cruise. She wants to be able to walk down the street without being attacked by fans and paparazzi. She sees her children regularly (according to quotes from interviews etc), but protects their privacy fiercely unlike Tom.
    And after stating the above, I’m not sure this story is true. Most of these about the wedding appear to be reported by less than steller papers/blogs in terms of truthfulness.

  40. jane's eyre

    Yeah, I wondered what happened to all the “freakles” too. That was actually pretty funny.

  41. tsarinaamanda

    And Keith Urban is UGLY. I saw that pic of him in Playgirl or whatever, where he had the guitar covering his little pencil dick, and is body was just gross. Scrawny and hairless, he looked like a 13-year old. And that girly, layered highlighted hair is just too much for me. I prefer men that actually LOOK like men, not little sissy girls.

    Oh, there’s a spark in my hair, get it, get it!!!

  42. tsarinaamanda


    I’m sure the fan sites would LOVE to have you. You can go kiss their asses with other like-minded morons. And take #32 with you.

  43. frenchtoaststix

    Shouldn’t that blurb say that they are paranoid about the “pavorattis” spoling their wedding? Because we all know that is what Kevin Fuckerline calls them and he cannot possibly be wrong…

  44. matt2585

    I hate to slow down this message board with facts because I realize that’s not what this site is about, but:

    a) They are obviously standing on a hill.
    b) Nicole and Keith are both 5’10″. Tom was 5’7″. I wouldn’t say she’s dating a shorter guy, I’d say she was dating a guy in her height range who doesn’t insist on always standing uphill and wearing high-heel shoes (a la Crazy Guy)

  45. Whipper_willow


  46. herbiefrog

    maybe you didnt see
    her flash he panties
    while deep calmed :)

  47. assholic

    Hey, where’s the pic of my beautiful Nicole and her impossibly more gorgeous hubby to be? All I can see occupying that article is a pic of a mother taking her first born to a walk in the park.

  48. Tom Cruise isn’t 5ft 7in. That is what he claims. He wears lifts and is around 5ft 5in.

    And he loves the cock.

  49. jane's eyre



    “Huh? *snort* What? Is it over?”

  50. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    44- That doesn’t explain why she looks like the Lieutenant General of J. Crew, rallying the troops for another assault on classy-casual yacht fashion, I guess.

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