Nicolas Cage Faces No Charges

May 6th, 2011 // 12 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

In a move now being carefully studied by California’s penal system, New Orleans’ D.A. has decided not to press charges against Nicolas Cage for the incidents that led to his recent arrest. People reports:

The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg tells PEOPLE. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nick and the matter has been closed.

Ah, celebrity justice. It’s about as rewarding as taking a long drunk pee then getting your dick stuck in your zipper. But I guess the still hurting New Orleans economy benefits enough from Hollywood morons bringing their projects to town to put up with behavior like drunkenly daring the cops to arrest them. If that was me, I’d have been tasered and on the ground with a boot on my neck before you could say “Season Of The Witch was a piece of shit.” And the investigation, which included eyewitnesses, would have ended with me sitting in a cell trying to figure out how to make jambalaya in a toilet.

Photo: Splash News

The Superficial is in Vacation Mode this week. Normal posting resumes Monday, May 9.


  1. Lady Gaga

    “It’s about as rewarding as taking a long drunk pee then getting your dick stuck in your zipper.”

    I know, right?! It always happens when you’re re-tucking it, I hate that!

  2. TBone

    “Put the bear back in the box.”

  3. Dufresne

    Is that the bunny from Con Air?

  4. Deacon Jones

    Hey, if you spent a couple nights on Bourbon Street, you’d realise this is the last fucking the NOPD need to deal with.

  5. Sorry, all I saw over the picture was “Nicholas Cage Face.”

  6. I charge him with over-acting and committing crimes against celluloid, by consorting with Michael Bay.

  7. TomFrank

    Nicolas Cage on the set of “National Treasure 3: Outing Theodore Roosevelt.”

    (‘Causie it’s a Teddy Bear, see, and…oh, forget it.)

  8. It better not happen again. Recidivism is one bonehead name.

  9. In unrelated news, he has changed his name to Jor-El and plans on living in the chest freezer in his basement.

  10. Lil' Adolf

    Too bad nobody can ever ask him to stop drinking. He specifically forbade that.

  11. FerroMancer

    Look; if Nicolas Cage says that he’s innocent, then he’s innocent. End of story.

    ….. because lying involves acting, and we know he can’t do that.

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