Nicolas Cage Under Investigation For Child Abuse

April 26th, 2011 // 29 Comments

Nicolas Cage‘s drunken arrest last weekend keeps getting better. And by better I mean he’s under investigation for child abuse. TMZ reports:

According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” … when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house. FYI — Alice was in the driver’s seat.
Alice told cops … she and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point she claims, “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”
But a witness told cops a slightly different story — saying he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.”

So, let me get this straight, Alice’s defense is going to be that she sent a man, who was well-documented to be shit-hammered out of his mind, to bring their five-year-old son to the car and thought that would turn out awesome? Jesus, tell me they’re investigating her, too. It’s not like there isn’t a pattern of abuse here already, starting with naming the kid Kal-El. True story, I once got my ass kicked in the fourth grade for wearing a Superman belt buckle. Kal here’s going to need a helmet just to sharpen his pencil. “Hey, last son of Krypton, Ghost Rider insulted my intelligence and I eat paste.” *wap pap pap pap, wedgie*

Photos: INFdaily, Splash News


  1. Rancid

    You could throw Kal-El from the Empire State Building, and drop a garbage truck on top of him, and he wouldn’t even feel it. What’s the big deal?

  2. Cage seen here in his latest role as minimum-wage valet.

    Who said anything about a movie?

  3. That Guy

    Cummerbund? Poor choice Mr. Cage.

  4. I use to think being the child of a celebrity was like winning the family lottery, it turns out it’s mostly just a ticket to rehab.

  5. Jersey Torch

    He’s a dink.

  6. Lisa meant rough love

    Of course! but the kids knee will be fine. I’m concern with property damage of the truck.

  7. Deacon Jones

    “We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.”

    P.S. Nice sunglasses, dork.

  8. poilk

    Dear Editor, How about not making light of child abuse.

    • Ed

      There’s no editor. The jokes are randomly generated by some crappy software.

    • if you’re looking for political correctness, you’re in the right place.

    • dpbefun

      Child abuse…really. You fall down with child in hand and it’s child abuse. I call that accidental. Now if you use the “future rehab” child as a cuison to break your fall…that’s just good thinking.

  9. wered

    The kid got a grazed knee. Sure he shouldn’t have been looking after a 5 year old when he’s drunk but he was pulling the kid along slightly too forcefully, it ain’t like he was whipping off his belt and smashing him with the heavy end.

  10. Ed

    He’s turning into Michael Lohan.

  11. Rio

    I’m sorry…but that is NOT child abuse. I accidentally trip and bump into my kid all the time. It happens. Just more drama, the media trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

  12. j

    Call him Copala… Don’t forget he got into the industry by dropping out of the right cooch.

  13. tally

    pulling a kid by the arm is child abuse? ONLY WHEN YOU’RE NICOHLAS CAGE !!!

  14. Cage knows what he’s doing. Black metal singers don’t just fall out of the trees. They have to be raised on despair and ashes.

  15. TrulySexy

    Nicolas Cage in “Child Abuser”

  16. Under investigation for child abuse? Doesn’t giving the kid the name “Kal El” already rubber stamp that one?

  17. Scrungy

    Cage should be fine, witness reports are usually unreliable and he was drinking heavily at the time. He has a clean record when it comes to that kind of thing…unless he made his kids watch Knowing. NOT THE BEES

  18. RasputinsLiver

    Cage is and always has been a naricisstic tool who believes his own cinematic hype and has serious ego and anger issues.

    Guy needs to come down off the self-created pedestal he’s put himself on, quit the self-worship and get real.

  19. Brooke

    I don’t think I’ve ever willingly paid to see a Nicolas Cage movie in theaters. He looks like a neanderthal, and apparently behaves like one.

  20. Dick Douche, Private Eye


  21. sdsdsd

    Scratching a kids knee is not “child abuse.” It’s like the government owns your children from birth and you can’t touch them. I mean, if you made a child, you have some degree of authority to beat them up if you want. There’s real child abuse cases out there that need to be investigated instead of wasting time with this.

Leave A Comment