Please forgive me for the short notice, but I’m writing to request a last minute alteration to my Christmas list. Please replace the following item:
A Pitt-Jolie child dressed as an Ewok complete with spear to attack my enemies.
British Ultimo Lingerie model Nicola McLean despite the stretch marks that I’m sensitive and caring enough to look past because her breasts are ginormous.
My apologies again for such short notice, and I promise I won’t roofie up the cookies this year then hold your sack ransom. Wow, that came out all kinds of wrong.
The goodest boy in the whole wide world,
The Superficial Writer