Nick Lachey has high standards

January 11th, 2006 // 37 Comments

*nick_lachey_thumb3.jpgNick Lachey is narrowing down his search for a new woman after his split from Jessica Simpson. Speaking to Elle magazine, Lachey says, “Jessica Alba’s beautiful. So is Eva Mendes.” But he also wants his new woman to be chaste. Sorta. “I’m all for 10 (sexual partners) and under, but, of course, as you get older, that number becomes less realistic.” Even more unrealistic is his expectation that she’ll like his music: “I hope that she’ll at least respect my music. If she didn’t like it, I could live with that.” The interview apparently broke down at this point as the reporter was seized with a fit of giggles.

But let’s summarize here: a girl who looks like Jessica Alba, has a limited sexual history, and likes his music. The only girl I can come up with is some sort of beautifully retarded nun. Or Jessica Simpson. Hmmm, maybe that whole ‘divorce’ thing wasn’t such a great idea.


  1. Looks like it’s back to yankin’ the crank to bikini Jessica Alba pics like the rest of us.

    That’s how Hollywood is. One minute you’re schtuppin’ the world’s hottest special-needs student, the next minute you’re schtupping a mocha butt Fleshlight.

  2. SuperSpence

    It’s a weird coincidence, but I’m also looking for a girl who looks like Jessica Alba, doesn’t have an STD, and likes Nick Lachey’s music. That last bit is negotiable, though, since I just found out five minutes ago that Nick Lachey is in the music industry.

  3. Nick’s facial expressions should be a clear warning to any woman he gets involved with. They may have to cut out the face on this picture and wear it around his new crib.

  4. His music? Oh god. He should stick to sports. He has about as much chance as Vanilla Ice of being taken seriously as a musician.

  5. Roddy von Seldeneck

    What kind of idiot becomes a celebrity and then ONLY has sex with 10 or less people…the whole reason one should even want to become a celebrity is so that they can have sex with 10 or more people…at the same time.

    Nick Lachey is looking more pathetic every day.

  6. andrewthezeppo

    Well, in his defense he did say “If she didn’t like it, I could live with that.” He’s pretty realistic, respect my job but you don’t have to listen to the results lol.

    And while his music is god awful, he can at least sing, which is more than you can say for either of the Simpson sisters.

  7. TT

    I think Nick seems like a real down to earth guy. Don’t hate him b/c he’s not into all that “fakeness” that Jessica Simpson is into. He doesn’t just say or do because he thinks that’s what the public wants to see or hear. GO NICK! I hope you get someone more ditzy and pretty than deserve it!

  8. IsayAWESOME


    … someone needs to usher jessica simpson back to the short bus… and shut her up.

  9. kalipornia

    i think he wants the # of sex partners low so they can’t compare his lame ass to real sex

  10. ~S.Starr~

    I am also TEAM LACHEY…

    Jessica did a 180%…from the time they met and were married to now she changed everything about herself…her looks, attitude, personality…everything. That sucks for him…he never changed. He married HER for a reason…

  11. HollyJ

    What a sexiest pig. I wonder if he’ll be happy to refrain from adding numbers to HIS list of partners while he searches for Miss AlmostChaste.

  12. BrendaPayne

    I’m honestly surprised that Nick has a fan base. I haven’t seen a picture of him in 6 months doing anything than smiling that “don’t-know-what-to-do-so-I’ll” smile. Does he even HAVE a personality? I’m a straight, married woman and even I have always thought that Jessica was the ‘catch’ of that pair. If Jessica Alba or Eva Mendes fall prey to Nick’s lust…well, I’ll just have to pop their heads off like undesirable Barbie dolls.

  13. Mary45

    I am also TEAM LACHEY, but frankly I think he should hook up with Brad Pitt and take a well needed trip to the Bunny Ranch…

  14. sammygirl

    Why are we criticizing Lachey’s music when Jessica’s music is just as bad, if not worse? The problem with Nick is he didn’t have DD breasts to help sell his albums. Or a freaky dad with some strange reverse Oedipal complex.

  15. Sheva

    Gosh I know I got this one girl angry when I told her that I let myself get picked up by chicks while wearing my friend’s wedding ring.

    Hey, I live in the land of da’Ho. And Nick does too, so he should at least try to get a girl where he doesn’t have to visit the herpes doctor.

    This post in no way is meant to denigrate the fine whores of America, nor any regionally operating whore, nor any whore who feels that her actions are denigrated thereof.

    Go Team Lachey!

  16. wow. I’d be surprised that Jessica could like her own music let alone his futile attempts. He’ll get plenty of free pity drunk vagina though

  17. HughJorganthethird

    I saw the Beautifully Retatrded Nuns last year in Toronto. they rocked. they did a version of 98Degrees “I’ll Cherish You” sung entirely in Hungarian to a 8/8 speed metal beat. At the end they flayed themslves with whips and spit stawberry-kiwi smoothies all over the crowd. Awesome show.

  18. LoneWolf

    Shouldn’t he be looking for a woman who lets him wear her shoes, doesn’t mind him crying, and is into potty mouth?

    Oh, yeah. He had that and she dumped his ass. My bad.

  19. SoCalGal420

    OK, had to stick up for my boy Nick, all you hatin’ ass (man) ho’s on here…First of all, I’m a 26 y/o hetero female with DDs, and a nice ass. (Just so the comments following mine are “oh, that’s probably some fag or fat ugly bitch!” I’m neither!)Nick can SANG, OK, and had a really good career going until he hooked up with Dazzey Duke (not the cute old brunette one). 98 Degrees songs were always heartfelt, and made me break out in goosebumps, NSync does not do that for me, and all you hater-assholes on here probably own all that shit, fucking hypocrites. Why does no one talk about Justin Timber-pussy like this? He dates this old, dried up ditz who has convinced America that she’s hot, that’s not cause for ridicule?

  20. Dee

    NIck Lachey seems like a nice guy. Maybe he was sick of Jessica’s sicko father being involved in every single thing in their lives, that sh*t gets annoying.

  21. diddleysquat

    There comes a time in every guy’s life when he gets the hottest girl he’s ever going to get, and then it’s downhill. A VIRGIN Jessica Simpson? Nick is going down hill from here on. I bet he already cries himself to sleep.

  22. Ing

    Jessica Simpson and her slutty sister and the rest of thier family are twisted freaks. Wats up with theyre wierdo dad always checking out his own daughters for Nick he is the most normal out of the whole lot..Jessica is Sooo overated and without makeup shes so Fugly!!!AND SHE HAS NO ASS SHES A DUMB TWIT.Nick should be happy hes away from that whole wierd sicko family…he can do better then the silly tart…

  23. kemb2722

    i’m TEAM LACHEY not becausei like nick, but i can’t imagine being on jessica’s team. sorta like voting for dipshit kerry just because you hated bush so much

  24. Jeremy1Esq

    Nick is just using code to tell Matt Leinart that his fantasy is to put on a dress and sing and dance for him.

  25. davina85

    I think nick should consider himself lucky. I don’t care how hot people think jessica simpson is (I personally think she’s pretty average looking sans the teams of hair, make-up and air-brush artists)… the music video for boots was proof that she’s well on her way to slutsville. There’s also something to be said about her total lack of intelligence: “beauty fades…dumb is forever”

  26. AD

    I don’t care what anyone says, Nick Lachey was, and always will be a loser. He has the sex appeal of a rock. Well. A rock with a Sharpie smiley drawn on it.

  27. aims_25

    I still think Nick Lachey was the better of the two. Jessica Simpson makes me cringe.

  28. TeamLacheyRools

    TEAM LACHEY!!! Thank God he finally saw te light and ditched that Texas ho – she is sooooo self absorbed that frankly, anything with a pulse and the right side of 90 would be an improvement on Jess

  29. slinkhard

    “I’m all for 10 (sexual partners) and under, but, of course, as you get older, that number becomes less realistic.”

    Oh, for fuck’s sake. I didn’t think anything could make me prefer Jessica Simpson to…well, anyone, but kudos, Nick, you’ve done it! Team Simpson all the way.

  30. xd

    Both Jessica Alba and Nick Lachey make me want to puke… I find them both like so disgusting looking and over-rated. I don’t find Eva Mendes hot neither but I’d take her or Jessica Simpson over Jessica Alba any day. He just has this real disgusting bad taste in woman, as disgusting pig as he is. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  31. Kitchy

    Maybe I am a fool, but I think Steve Buscemi is sexier than Nick Lachey. Plankton have more sexual appeal than he tries to have. He HAS to be a closet homo. Has to! I call it, Elton John will divorce and Nick will be wearing the next wedding dress. Sorry Nick, even Alyssa Milano (and I am a straight woman) who is SO HOT couldn’t make you have chemistry. She could have sex with Fat Albert and be sexy (the cartoon, NOT the actor)

    Nick…the L on your forehead…its a little cockeyed.

    Nick Lachey – F.A.G (oh that’s right…you aren’t even an actor…do you actually make music still?)

    Why is he even being talked about. Let’s go find Charro. Now SHE is cool.

  32. Nurse Kellie

    Is he for real? Everytime you heard about him it was because he was trying to hook up with a girl while he was married.

  33. Ben_Danglin

    he makes music??? Maybe him and Wham should get together and make a gospel record or something.

  34. Boner

    Dude has to be retarted. “Tay inna wind”!Hey Nick,The Village People would bang you. Good luck!

  35. Nick_is_hot

    Nick is hot, It is not his fault Jess wanted a divorce, I would give him a blow job any day…and not expect him to pay any money, Nick..I live in Australia…E-mail me and we can see each other and dicuss about you…Remember, it is not your fault mate..U r hot..

    Love Jed

  36. hotelcalifornia

    I think Nick should rethink his chaste comment. Everyone wants to marry a virgin (or as close as possible) but they are more likely to cheat on you than a More Experienced Girl.A virgin (i.e Jessica Simpson)is likely to be curious about what else is out there..while a MEG already knows and is happy with what she has or else she probably wouldn’t have married you. And I guess only in Hollywood does 10 partners make you chaste.

  37. right…sorry had your one fade into obscurity

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