Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem

May 11th, 2009 // 135 Comments

Nick Cannon just heard Eminem’s “Bagpipes from Baghdad” off his new album Relapse, and it contains several choice words about Mariah Carey. Not one to let an opportunity at relevancy pass him by, Nick Cannon took to his blog and essentially wrote a 500-page novel on whether or not he should kick Eminem’s ass. I’m not even joking. Here’s an excerpt from the insanity:

So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, ” What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”

Nick then goes on to equate insulting Mariah Carey as an insult to black women everywhere and then informs Eminem he knows karate before eventually ending on this note:

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!

Here’s what I want to know: How did Nick Cannon have time to write all this when he should’ve been cleaning the pool, picking up the dry cleaning and constantly refilling Mariah’s glass? Oh, and also not having sex. That, too.

Photos: Splash News
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  1. Why do women always go for the DJ?!!! Mariah, grow up.

  2. kjhkjh

    Who the fuck cares about Nick Cannon? Nobody! This Nickelodeon punk is not important enough to take on Eminem. And why is Mariah with him anyways? She is really a crazy bitch. Can’t handle a man her age, so I guess she has to rob the cradle. Anyways, lil Nick needs to stfu and stop bein a lil bitch.

  3. I think Eminem has a fatal attraction for Mariah. This isn’t the first time Mariah has come up in regards to him. Just move on Eminem.

  4. jodi

    nick cannon is a silly silly man…..he did EXACTLY what eminem wanted….he gave a LAME ASS reaction….and seriously nick HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO RUIN EMS CAREER???…..by doing the same thing you have been for the past 10 years…NOTHING?

  5. Elina

    I love that he sticks up for her and reacts! I hope he kicks his ass! Eminem is such a fucking loser.. Weren’t they together for like 10 years ago?! He’s just using her name to promote his album .. Seriously .. does anyone even Care about eminem? His music SUCKS.. what a loser..

  6. satan

    Eminem is almost 40. Maybe he should think about acting something other than an obnoxious “controversial” teenage boy.

  7. satan

    Eminem is almost 40. Maybe he should think about acting like something other than an obnoxious “controversial” teenage boy.

  8. Max

    Doesn’t he realize Eminem will just rap about this and embarrass him again? “What you trying to be my new wife? What you Mariah? Fly through twice.”

  9. notfunny

    i want those breasts in my MOUTH

  10. scatterflake

    Tell me his blog is a parody. To quote Bugs Bunny: “What an Ultramaroon.”

  11. Miss Trish

    I think the real focus should be on the fact that Eminem is somehow STILL writing songs Mariah. Like, it’s been years since the two of them hooked up. Get the fuck over it already! I am actually very amused by the fact that Eminem still chooses to pick on Mariah after so long. It reminds me of back in 3rd grade, when a boy liked a girl he would show her by making fun of her and putting her down. Does Eminem honestly think he’s fooling anyone? The only person he’s fooling is himself. If you’re interested in listening to an honest portrayal of Eminem listen to Mariah’s song appropriately titled Clown.

  12. matashuwa

    mariah is not black shes just another slut white bitch thats dateing another dumb blackman

  13. matashuwa

    mariah is not black shes just another slut white bitch thats dateing another dumb blackman

  14. matashuwa

    mariah is not black shes just another slut white bitch thats dateing another dumb blackman

  15. matashuwa

    the reason why people thinks shes black is because she sings soul music other wise he is a dumb n***** who is picky about his own black women and shes not black shes in the white people side when your lite brite dam near white your considerd WHITE

  16. matashuwa

    its sad that blackmen are the only ones that date outside of there race like slaveniggers they keep there master in there lives cuz they like getting beat by the whiteman

  17. matashuwa

    its sad that blackmen are the only ones that date outside of there race like slaveniggers they keep there master in there lives cuz they like getting beat by the whiteman

  18. Jen

    what is wrong about a black man dating a white woman? they’re both human race and I think they’re a cute couple.

  19. me

    Eminem Vs Nick Cannon.

    Thats like Marshmellow Vs Cotton Candy.

    Ladies take your handbag, 10 paces, turn and swing for the bleaches.

  20. tyler

    omg the dave chapelle thing was so funny.
    but yeah.
    i dont like nick cannon.
    i think if they did fight eminem would kick his ass.
    eminem talked shit so people would buy da album and he would get more money.
    smart move

  21. tyler

    omg the dave chapelle thing was so funny.
    but yeah.
    i dont like nick cannon.
    i think if they did fight eminem would kick his ass.
    eminem talked shit so people would buy da album and he would get more money.
    smart move

  22. chantelle

    First of all this shit is ridiculous. You can all talk trash about Nick Cannon I dont care cause I don`t know him and you can all tell Mariah to suck it up.
    However the trash that Eminem has been saying about Mariah is not cool nor funny on any level. Remember what if this was your mother your sister your daughter or any female in your life that you care deeply about you would be pissed too.`Eminem you have a daughter and you would not want someone saying what you have been saying about Mariah even if it`s true or not. The trash that you have been talking does not make you cool it just shows how low class you are. What goes around comes around and even if nothing happens to you it might happen to someone that you care about and I guess you`ll think it`s funny then too. GROW UP!!.

  23. cooch

    Nick Cannon is literate? Well I’ll be…….

  24. Velveteen Dream

    @17. It’s an* idiot wigger.

    Fail <3

  25. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Susan

    http://mariahcareylyrics.net

  26. nick who?

    Nick who?Fuck a cell phone say it to Em’s face you cunt,go cling to mariah’s legs and beg her for your testicles back from her trophy case to so much as confront eminem instead of sitting behind your computer blogging about your feelings ahaha.To be perfectly honest,Mariah isn’t black she’s brown and i don’t give a FUCK about heritage.By the way “fail” is the nerdiest fuckin word i’ve heard – Em’s a wigger?Fuck you nerd get a girlfriend.All you dick’s saying shit like it’s not funny what em’s said about mariah?I fucking laughed my head of he was so much more original than mariah that fat cunt with tits,Em cause her a fat bitch cunt or something and this pussy comes up with a 500 page report on his feelings and talking about how eminem is “lame” baha eminem could shit on you if you’re gonna damage em’s carreer get one yourself FAGGOT.

  27. faye

    nick cannon is just a another saggin that want everything. SAGGIN IS NIGGAS.. HE EVEN TRY TO SOUND LIKE EIMEMN… NO ONE WILL EVER BE THE SLIM SHADY, THE M&M.. M&M IS THE BEST RAPPER EVER. I AM AN OLDER WOMAN, AND I LOVE HIM,… HIS SONGS THE WAY HE DOES HIS RAPS, MY SON IS AN UP COMING RAPPER, HE STYLES ALOT LIKE HIS HERO. HE HAS 3 CDS OUT. WHITE ON AMERICA, AND THAT MARIEAH CARY IS HISPANIC, WHY SHE ALWAYS WITH SAGGINS?, SHE ULGY TOO. AND SHE STEALS SONGS……. WAY TO GO MARSHALL MATHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. faye

    SAGGINS SAGGINS SAGGINS, SAGGINS SAGGINS SAGGINS JUST AHOOD BOY . SAGGINS IN HOLLY WOOD HAHAHAHA SAGGINS IN WHITE HOUSE .. “WHITE” HOUSE SAGGINS CANT BEAT WHITE PEOPLE. GIVE IT UP AND TAKE YOUR 40 AND MOVE ON. SAGGINS WANNA BE WHITE.”. LIFE GOES ON WITH OUT THEM” MARIA CAREY IS A LOW DOWN NASTY STANK SLUT WHO WILL SLEEP WITH ANYONE WHO HAVE A 10 FT DIK…. I BET SHE SO BIG THE WHOLE SAGGIN BODY GOES INSIDE. HAHAHAHA

    M&M RULES

  29. faye

    SAGGINS SAGGINS SAGGINS, SAGGINS SAGGINS SAGGINS JUST AHOOD BOY . SAGGINS IN HOLLY WOOD HAHAHAHA SAGGINS IN WHITE HOUSE .. “WHITE” HOUSE SAGGINS CANT BEAT WHITE PEOPLE. GIVE IT UP AND TAKE YOUR 40 AND MOVE ON. SAGGINS WANNA BE WHITE.”. LIFE GOES ON WITH OUT THEM” MARIA CAREY IS A LOW DOWN NASTY STANK SLUT WHO WILL SLEEP WITH ANYONE WHO HAVE A 10 FT DIK…. I BET SHE SO BIG THE WHOLE SAGGIN BODY GOES INSIDE. HAHAHAHA

    M&M RULES

  30. faye

    SAGGINS SAGGINS SAGGINS, SAGGINS SAGGINS SAGGINS JUST AHOOD BOY . SAGGINS IN HOLLY WOOD HAHAHAHA SAGGINS IN WHITE HOUSE .. “WHITE” HOUSE SAGGINS CANT BEAT WHITE PEOPLE. GIVE IT UP AND TAKE YOUR 40 AND MOVE ON. SAGGINS WANNA BE WHITE.”. LIFE GOES ON WITH OUT THEM” MARIA CAREY IS A LOW DOWN NASTY STANK SLUT WHO WILL SLEEP WITH ANYONE WHO HAVE A 10 FT DIK…. I BET SHE SO BIG THE WHOLE SAGGIN BODY GOES INSIDE. HAHAHAHA

    M&M RULES

  31. crazywyteboi89

    fuck nick cannon he’s a lil toothpick faggot queer muther fucker he a bitch eminem needs to punch that dumb nigger in his mouth and show him where he’s from if i am right he’ from 8th mile detroit and nick cannons gay ass played is from san diego i dont see why mariah’s even married to that lil toothpick nigger fuck him and anyone that hasa problem with what i’m sayin bitch i’m from cleveland come get it

  32. Tolu olutayo

    Nicky big ups for dropping d ig mama on yo balls,,,,but heard no sex,,,owch!! Dat hits lyk a pain in my ass,,,d greatest is av dat mama screaming yo name,,piss alova ha,,,work on yo lots bro,,,

    As for eminem,,,dont dis all d tym dat mama enjoyed yo 2foot dik,,,gud enuf..
    Sil d truf,,,

    Mary mary enjoy,,,i no u r just gettting d young blood to work his muscles maybe nxt will be chris brown..if dat nikka got u ,,,oooo,,yo inbtwn on faya.

    9ja boy

  33. Nicky big ups for dropping d ig mama on yo balls,,,,but heard no sex,,,owch!! Dat hits lyk a pain in my ass,,,d greatest is av dat mama screaming yo name,,piss alova ha,,,work on yo lots bro,,,

    As for eminem,,,dont dis all d tym dat mama enjoyed yo 2foot dik,,,gud enuf..
    Sil d truf,,,

    Mary mary enjoy,,,i no u r just gettting d young blood to work his muscles maybe nxt will be chris brown..if dat nikka got u ,,,oooo,,yo inbtwn on faya.

    9ja boy

  34. Bryan

    You’re a fucking retard, Nick Cannon a thug? You can’t talk about shit based on what you learn from the media, that’s the most biased opinion you could ever have. Nick Cannon’s a bitch and he’s an idiot for trying to call out Em. Em would slaughter him lyrically, Nicks a bitch and he’s just mad that Em got to his wife first. The only reason nick or Mariah even had to respond to Em is because they know he fucking killed them. But, Fuck you Jade, you ignorant punk.

  35. Shannon

    After reading that I no longer have any respect for Nick Cannon. Eminem is like a god to me, and if you don’t have respect for him I don’t have respect for you. And Nick Cannon just annoying, and Mariah’s fat and conceded.

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