Nick Cannon just heard Eminem’s “Bagpipes from Baghdad” off his new album Relapse, and it contains several choice words about Mariah Carey. Not one to let an opportunity at relevancy pass him by, Nick Cannon took to his blog and essentially wrote a 500-page novel on whether or not he should kick Eminem’s ass. I’m not even joking. Here’s an excerpt from the insanity:
So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, ” What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”
Nick then goes on to equate insulting Mariah Carey as an insult to black women everywhere and then informs Eminem he knows karate before eventually ending on this note:
So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!
Here’s what I want to know: How did Nick Cannon have time to write all this when he should’ve been cleaning the pool, picking up the dry cleaning and constantly refilling Mariah’s glass? Oh, and also not having sex. That, too.