Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem

May 11th, 2009 // 135 Comments

Nick Cannon just heard Eminem’s “Bagpipes from Baghdad” off his new album Relapse, and it contains several choice words about Mariah Carey. Not one to let an opportunity at relevancy pass him by, Nick Cannon took to his blog and essentially wrote a 500-page novel on whether or not he should kick Eminem’s ass. I’m not even joking. Here’s an excerpt from the insanity:

So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, ” What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”

Nick then goes on to equate insulting Mariah Carey as an insult to black women everywhere and then informs Eminem he knows karate before eventually ending on this note:

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!

Here’s what I want to know: How did Nick Cannon have time to write all this when he should’ve been cleaning the pool, picking up the dry cleaning and constantly refilling Mariah’s glass? Oh, and also not having sex. That, too.

Photos: Splash News
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  1. Tucker Jay

    Oh suck it up Mariah.

  2. What does that mean?

    Nick Cannon used a phrase that I’ve heard on Springer and most of the TV court shows. WTF does it mean to call somebody “out of their name”???

  3. Krassy McKrass

    He must motorboat the hell out of those babies.

  4. tim

    Dad, Nick Cannon’s hilarious.

  5. Drunkman

    He’s just pissed because he got Eminem’s sloppy seconds.

  6. The Observer

    I love how he talks about supporting freedom of speech while threatening someone because of what they said! The sign of the times, ladies and gentlemen.

  7. boo

    OOOOOOHHH, NIck Cannon vs. Eminem. How exciting.

  8. Im no fan of Mr Carey here, but why is a bad ass rapper like Eminim keep taking on Women or “Parodying”?

  9. Jade

    I hate thugs.

    They’re just so — pathetic.

    I mean.. their whole lives revolve around the respect they think they’re owed, talking shit, threatening people, posing, and possibly killing people thinking they’re gunna get “street cred” for it.

    How pathetic.

    Stupid hardcore dumb thuggish people who think that is what life is about. They’re doing nothing but playacting. And they’re playacting a highly immature game.

    I think Nick Cannon is their leader. He’s certainly dumb/poserish enough to be.

  10. krassss

    I hope Nick Cannon realizes the can of worms he just opened…. remember what happened to Ja Rule when he tried to dis on Em? Nick Cannon is going downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

  11. irv

    ha ha. you said ja rule

  12. sam

    Has there ever been one word worth reading on a celebrity (or so-called celebrity) blog? This Nick dude, Lindsay, Lindsay’s dad, Paris… all of them should just SHUT THE FUCK UP!

  13. Farles Chew

    The moron’s tits look great.

  14. ohh la la la

    Mariah Carey is not black! She’s half black hispanic.

  15. ohh la la la

    Mariah Carey is not even black! She’s half black hispanic.

  16. havoc

    Eminem is a idiot wigger.

    I don’t even know WTF Nick Cannon is.

    Mariah has stellar tits….

    .

  17. Yeah

    He’s a better writer than Fish. Alas.

  18. Smoove B

    SMOOVE B!!

  19. chugalug

    First of all I think Emiems new work he has released from his album sucks balls. It’s like hes trying to outdo himself and ends up sounding like shit. Second I think Nick Cannon is a moron. He is going to get a very nasty song written about himself trying to act all tough. All in all everyone sucks.

    The end!!!

  20. Newcastle

    Nick Cannon is the gay.

  21. c45

    so funny.

    stupid black guy.

  22. Racer X

    Didn’t he grow up in the ‘burbs of San Diego?

    /stay black homie!

  23. Tim

    The new Eminem CD is actually some of his best work, Chugalug. You’ll be extremely impressed if you listen to it in it’s entirety. I do agree that We Made You and Crack A Bottle are a little … less. But they’re MTV songs! It’s been the same with every one of his albums. He has to have something there for the mainstream.

    It’s his best work as Slim Shady to date. Easily. I can only hope that Relapse 2 is just as good.

  24. Savalas

    I’d butter those boobs and eat ‘em with beans!

    I don’t know what the hell that means.

  25. dirk

    I’m uncomfortable with blacks. They’re always hostile and obnoxious.

  26. Danklin

    “He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame.”

    What the blue fuck…………?

  27. Mole

    Will Mariah please use some of her money to get this idiot some English lessons. It’s so poorly written I had to give up as it made my eyes hurt.

  28. Deacon Jones

    Man, I would LOVE to get a hold of her funbags, they look Grrrr -EAT!

    I think I heard my brain pop while I was reading his blog.

    Kick his ass, Eminem is an overrated bitch.

  29. Jennyjenjen

    @3 …I think to call someone out of their name means calling a woman any nasty word that isn’t their birth name. I learned this lesson the hard way when I called a black chick a bitch and saw my life flash before me and the fury of a thousand fires in her eyes.. I recall hearing the words “don’t think you can call me out my name” or something like that, it was faint because I was pretty busy running to hear what was going on behind me.

  30. Jennyjenjen

    And before anyone jumps to any conclusions, no I am not a racist. She was just genuinely being a bitch.

  31. @ 31 cause she wouldn’t do your laundry, right!?!

  32. Sport

    Could she possibly be any LESS relevant?

  33. Jennyjenjen

    Oh Guy… always one to push the envelope.

  34. giggitygoo

    I’ve taken dumps that have more talent that Nick Cannon

  35. Zippy

    God, she’s hot. I’d like to spend a week banging her like a drum. Let nick & M&M fight it out, I’ll be sucking on her tits.

  36. devilsrain

    She has nice tits, for a minute I didnt even recognize her, I thought she was just some white hooker

  37. Rossco

    Who the hell is Nick Cannon? The only reference I’d ever heard before this was from Chappelle’s Show, and that was ages ago.

  38. Tom K

    Who gives a fuck about that whore Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon’s corny ass and Eminem with his washed up has been ass wigger music. They can all eat glass!

  39. fitzwilly

    PURSE FIGHT !!

  40. SuperficialIsWeakSauce

    Nick Cannon is trying to build some street cred here don’t you see. He is from the rough streets of San Diego, which is much more hard core than where Eminem is from!

  41. Since when is Mariah Carey black?

    So Nick Cannon says, “Fuck Christ, I gots do sum grown up man shit up in here like it be”.

    Actually, best of luck. Get a shot in for Triumph the Dog, too.

    @38 – He was in “Drumline”!
    …never mind.

  42. XX

    Nick Cannon is an uneducated and untalented little bitch who is just lucky enough to keep his name “out there”. And can anybody really take him seriously when he speaks like an illiterate fool?

  43. 93

    well he’s kinda right. Eminem is a has been….

  44. SlowMonkey

    If Mariah Carey wants to be black so bad, she shouldn’t have let her ancestors sleep with so many white people.

    And Nick Cannon sounds like a drunk Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science.

  45. titsonsnack

    Mariah Carey’s black?

  46. wtf…Mariah married a 15 year old. Sweet. I like how Nick Cannon (who?) calls Eminem a has-been. Haha

  47. Sauron

    I’m going to cut Mariah Carey with my axe in two halves and give both of them half a Mariah Carey.

  48. Sauron

    Is none of them both begging me to let her live? That means that both of them don’t care about her.

  49. Boogeyman King Dong

    That’s a big piece of meat to cut at once.

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