Nick and Jessica may or may not have split

Despite press releases to the contrary, Us Weekly is reporting that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have separated. The magazine includes “details on Jessica’s & Nick’s last days – and how her ego, partying and dad drove them apart.”

I’m all about freedom of press. But this has gone far enough. You can start all the rumors you want about Nick and Jessica, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and let you drag poor Papa Joe’s name through the mud too. There are plenty of reasons for friction to exist between the couple. Like how she’s a lush with the cognitive capacity of a peanut shell. Or how that drunken peanut shell makes more money after singing one off-key note than Nick could make in a lifetime of singing with the Boymen, or Dudegasm, or whatever band he’s in. But to blame Papa Joe? He’s been nothing but supportive and creepily familiar since the beginning!

Though I suppose as long as the rumors aren’t true, everything will be fine. As Papa Joe would say, “Jessica’s got breasts! Big ones! Everyone, cop a feel!” Yeah, I know that nobody mentioned Jessica’s breasts, but that doesn’t change the fact that that’s what he’d say.