The Police Seem Really Concerned With Finding Nick Stahl

May 18th, 2012 // 26 Comments
Nick Stahl Dennis Hopper
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“See? We found this picture of him on the Internet with his kindly, cigar-smoking grandfather. Nuttin’ to worry about.”

According to his estranged wife who doesn’t want him anywhere near their daughter until he cleans himself up, Nick Stahl has been missing since May 9, although friends claim to have seen him more recently and say he has a history of just disappearing. Which probably explains why the lead investigator literally told People he’s not even looking for him:

“Were not treating it like a crime,” says LAPD Detective Carmine Sasso, who is overseeing the investigation. “We’re not pounding the pavement or knocking on doors on this one, just networking.”

“Certain factors are contributing to him being missing,” says Sasso. “There’s really nothing mysterious about it,” he adds.

“That said, I will tell you about a high profile case that’s really mysterious: Does Detective Sasso want Chinese for lunch or Subway? *picks up phone* ‘Ello, crime lab? It’s Sasso. Just how long are you gonna make me wait for that report on how much I like sesame chicken? We’re burning daylight here.”

Photo: Getty


  1. DeucePickle

    His grandfather is Dennis Hopper ?

  2. EricLr

    Excuse me, might I suggest you check the local crack house?

  3. Johnny P!

    C’mon, Fish! You make fun of the LA justice system when ‘celebs’ get preferential treatment (Linday Lohan! Come on down!), but you expect the cops to give priority to some dude with known drug problems who was reported missing only recently (even though he’s been ‘missing’ since may 9th), who’s acquaintances have seen him recently, and who has a ‘history of disappearing’?
    I’m sure the cops are a lot busier working on other crimes than just sitting around deciding what to have for lunch.
    I know it was meant in jest, but give the hard working cops a break.

    • Smapdi

      Cops get dragged into domestic disputes by divorcing/divorced couples all the time by one spouse hoping to gain some legal ‘leverage’ over the other. For example, calling in a theft charge on a husband taking property from a home that is legally his after a divorce settlement, or a kidnapping charge against a mom who picks up her kid early from the father. I suspect the cops have interviewed the ex-wife and some others and concluded that while it may be dickish that Stahl went missing, it isn’t illegal. The ex may also be trying to secure her child custody position by calling him in to the cops, hoping he’ll get busted with drugs, etc. And the cops probably realize by now that no matter what happens, they will be blamed by someone.

    • “but you expect the cops to give priority to some dude with known drug problems who was reported missing only recently ”

      Whether or not the cops should, of course you would expect the cops to give celebrities preferential treatment. They do it all the time, so when they treat a celebrity like any old person, it tends to be noteworthy.

      Also, fuck the police, but that’s a different topic all together.

  4. The Most Interesting

    “LAPD Detective Carmine Sasso”?

    Ok, so assuming they find him dead, how much do I have to pay to make sure I never see Sasso’s ass in the Lifetime movie?

  5. USDA Prime McBeef

    The friends have seen him recently thing makes me sad. I am hoping for a funny ending to all this. And by funny I mean bloated and tangled up in some shopping carts and other debris in the LA river.

  6. Tell John Travolta he’ll give a massage with a happy ending for $100 or a bag of crack and they’ll find him within the hour.

  7. BJ

    Drugs and booze are a sure way to lose.
    He looks gay too, btw. So he’s probably Travolting his way thru hollywood.
    The cops get it.
    Wife doesn’t.

    • TheDevilYouKnow

      How does one “look” gay? I don’t see a cock in his mouth or up his bum so I’m unsure how you came to that conclusion.

      • BJ

        You sound defensive. And there’s no need to be. Being gay is part of nature. It’s about time everyone accepted it. It would save people a lot grief.

      • And going by your posts, you look like a fucking moron. But don’t be defensive about it. Being a fucking moron is a part of nature. It’s about time everyone accepted it. It would save everyone a lot of grief.

        FYI, I can assure you that your family already knows, so when you come out don’t waste time in trying to break the news to them.

      • TheDevilYouKnow

        How can I sound defensive when I merely asked how you came to a conclusion? That sounds like a question than any defense I’ve ever heard.

        Then again, your screen name is “BJ” so my guess is you’re one of those weirdos who is obsessed with guys blowing other guys and just assumes everyone is gay because you secretly are.

      • Who cares who is gay or not on a stupid comment thread? “Yer gay!” “Nuh-uh! Yer gay!” I’m just going to assume everyone here is pure 50%-50% bisexual and leave it at that.

        Oy vey…

  8. Fish, i think you ran this story a few days ago…nobody gave a fuck then either. i used to come here for tits and ass. now all you want to talk about is a worthless boob…

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      soooooo, that’s a negative on the would ass eat?

    • Translated for clarity: “Fish, I don’t like some of the stories you run because I am simple and apparently don’t know how to use Google to find pictures of celebrities. A pox upon you for talking about celebrity news on a celebrity gossip site.”

  9. BJ

    Kelly Brook in a bikini would be the perfect way for FiSH to make it up to everyone.

  10. If they made up a story that he kidnapped Lindsay Lohan they’d send out the drones and find him. Then again, they’d probably shoot him in the face too. But they would find him.

  11. JoeDiddy

    Don’t worry about him, he’s living off the grid to avoid Skynet (see T3).

  12. BenDoverman

    Good to see Brion James is alive, well, and in hiding

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