The Police Seem Really Concerned With Finding Nick Stahl

“See? We found this picture of him on the Internet with his kindly, cigar-smoking grandfather. Nuttin’ to worry about.”

According to his estranged wife who doesn’t want him anywhere near their daughter until he cleans himself up, Nick Stahl has been missing since May 9, although friends claim to have seen him more recently and say he has a history of just disappearing. Which probably explains why the lead investigator literally told People he’s not even looking for him:

“Were not treating it like a crime,” says LAPD Detective Carmine Sasso, who is overseeing the investigation. “We’re not pounding the pavement or knocking on doors on this one, just networking.”

“Certain factors are contributing to him being missing,” says Sasso. “There’s really nothing mysterious about it,” he adds.

“That said, I will tell you about a high profile case that’s really mysterious: Does Detective Sasso want Chinese for lunch or Subway? *picks up phone* ‘Ello, crime lab? It’s Sasso. Just how long are you gonna make me wait for that report on how much I like sesame chicken? We’re burning daylight here.”

Photo: Getty