To promote his new album White People Party Music, actor/comedian/Mariah Carey‘s butler Nick Cannon dressed up in “whiteface” – A term that has no business existing whatsoever. – as Connor Smallnut for a surprisingly elaborate parody that’s somehow not about Justin Bieber. Anyway, white people are mad now because if the Julianne Hough/Crazy Eyes Debacle of 2013 taught us, it’s that racists genuinely believe White Chicks is exactly as offensive as blackface. So let me waste my time by pointlessly firing a few shots into the tidal wave of dumb that’s about to come crashing down upon us:
1. Blackface has a historical derogatory meaning based on years of subjugating African-Americans and straight up owning them like property. “Whiteface” is a term that was made up yesterday whose only historical context is a Wayans brothers movie that all races agree is a piece of shit.
2. Yes, slavery did happen “a long time ago,” but no, people don’t need to “get over it” because it’s the foundation for racism that not only still exists in America, but we’re actively finding new ways to make it legal to shoot black kids.
3. You’re white and have a statistically better chance at avoiding poverty, unemployment, racial discrimination, street crime, and imprisonment. Nick Cannon in makeup isn’t going to change that. Suck it up, pussy burger.
UPDATE: Okay, so I just heard the first single and would like to scratch everything I just said. Who do I talk to about bringing lynching back? Ron Paul? I’m going with Ron Paul.