Nick Cannon Is Probably Banging A Nicki Minaj Puppet, Just FYI

Back in February, Nick Cannon quit his job as host of America’s Got Talent, a gig which paid him millions to stand offstage and go “Whaa! Did y’all see that? We’ll be right back!” He also married Mariah Carey and put two babies in her, so to declare him crazy now would be like saying it’s starting to look like Donald Trump is going to be a shit President. I’m honestly surprised it took Nick this long to launch a vlog, which is the batshit hovel of the internet where lunatics dictate their diary into a webcam. And for those of you not willing to click play on that video because you have self-esteem and a good sense of time management, here’s a small peek into Nick’s mind. Via Page Six:

“To be brilliant, to be a genius, to change the world, you have to be crazy,” Mariah Carey’s ex-husband barked before aligning himself with Albert Einstein, Buddha, Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.
Cannon’s first video was over eight-minutes long and addressed a myriad of topics from Donald Trump’s State of the Union address to the heated rap battle between Nicki Minaj and Remy Ma. Cannon even shouted out Remy Ma for using his name in her diss track but became increasingly bizarre after he consoled and fondled a blonde puppet pretending it was Minaj.
By the end of the video, Cannon had exposed himself in more ways than one and even suggested he should “f–k Miley Cyrus.”

I’d feel bad if I didn’t mention that we’re also talking about a father of twins who also has a 13 day old baby. And yes, I understand he probably has an army of nannies and has to perform a variety of humiliating tricks before Mariah even lets him look at photos of the other kids, but there is a slim chance he’s doing some parenting. Which also means, there’s a chance that he hasn’t slept more than three consecutive hours in almost two weeks, so the fact that he’s just trying to bone a puppet is kind of remarkable. Shit, the first few weeks after my kid was born, I was actively making deals with God in exchange for sleep and I don’t even believe in him.

“Please, I’ll do anything. Just make him close his eyes.”
“Do you promise to stop masturbating?”
“Yes, anything! I’m so fucking tired!”
“One more thing. If someone says Happy Holidays, you have to lose your shit.”
“Never mind. I’ll just stay up.”

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