New Jumanji Trailer Wants To Crap All Over Your Childhood

I know that Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is being marketed as a ‘new spin’ of the classic, but why… why the hell even bother calling it Jumanji in the first place? They didn’t call Avatar Pochohontas: Enter The Cat People, so what’s the difference here? Oh, right… money. Assloads of money…

Over the last five years, it seems like Hollywood can’t get enough of the “Rock being a big manly man and Kevin Hart being short” combo action flick. Throw in an obligatory hot chick dressed like Tomb Raider and Jack Black talking like a teenager and *BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP* What’s that sound? *BEEEP BEEP BEEP* Oh! That’s a dump truck of champagne and blow backing into the Sony Pictures lot.

The “new spin on a classic” involves four teens, fitting high school tropes, that have been around since the 80’s: the hot mean girl, the jock, the artsy girl who is blindly hotter than the actual hot girl, and the misunderstood outcast protagonist. They find a Super NES-looking console that has a 16 bit Jumanji game on it and somehow play a four player game on a console that has two controllers and fuck this. Fuck explaining the logic, it’s abhorrently stupid.

Wait… The Rock almost crying LOL he’s too manly to cry! Kevin Hart talking about being short LOL he is so short! Jack Black “can’t even” LOL. I’m sold. This movie is gonna be like so good, guys 4 srslyyyy!