Natasha Lyonne – the ugly chick from American Pie who threatened to sexually molest a dog – turned herself in today at a New York court. A warrant was issued for her arrest in January after she missed four court hearings on charges including “criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing after accusations she threatened to sexually molest her former neighbor’s dog and ripped a mirror off the wall during a 2004 argument.”
You’ve got a few options after threatening to sexually molest a dog. Turning yourself in isn’t one of them. Getting plastic surgery and completely changing your identity is. Because at the end of the day you can either look like that and be known as Natasha Lyonne: potential dog rapist, or you can have a bushy mustache and be known as Juan Garcia: mild mannered school janitor who doesn’t rape dogs.