Natalie Portman is tiny

February 1st, 2006 // 114 Comments

I’ve never understood why so many people find Natalie Portman so attractive. She looks like an eight-year-old boy, which means these people are pedophiles. “Well,” they’ll say, “Natalie’s not that sexy. She’s no Dakota Fanning, that’s for sure. That bitch is hot.” Natalie’s not a girl you have sex with; she’s a girl you sit in front of the tv with a stack of Powerpuff Girls DVDs and hope she doesn’t cry at the scary parts.

Thanks to Gracie for the tip.


  1. alexi

    K first of all you guys have to watch closer then tell me shes not hot. All actors are short, and so what if she shaved her head for a role, she’s brilliant(degree in phycology from Harvord), beautiful, and is one of the few celebs I respect. In this world filled with so many f-heads.

  2. HughJorganthethird

    “Even supermodels, up close, are not that hot.”

    Classic. Superficial never fails to crack me up.

    Portman is the ultra spinner

  3. A2Bcom

    She may be tiny but she is bloody cute! And tiny girls are great to be with. I bet she’s a lot more then her size in the sack!

  4. She looks so tiny in that picture. She looks like she is about to be awarded a gymnastics medal or something.

  5. “Only to people who use the word “own” to indicate approval …

    … in other words, 12-year-old boys who play Games Workshop games instead of being sexually promiscuous.”

    Oh gee, I should go get crabs, just like you, huh?

    Shut up, grammar nazi.

    Portman is great. That’s all that matters.

  6. PostAcidYouth

    She’s 5’4 and 110b? Wow, she must be my body twin or something.

  7. Bridget Jonesing

    Way to REPRESENT, Natalie! (the Lollipop Guild, that is.)

  8. Sheva

    Well 5’4″ isn’t short but give me the girl next to her any day.
    Sorry this little thing is not 110. She’s more like 98 pounds with her hair wet.

    And in that movie Garden State, you could actually see what a muppet she is and hell I’d run out of the room like those dudes did to get to the really hot chick in the bikini.

    As I recall, it was the nerdy weird dude who gets with muppet Natalie.

    The Professional was great but you can’t expect much post puberty for some. Let me know when Nat gets through puberty. It might get interesting.

  9. Haterade

    “she’s brilliant (degree in phycology from Harvord)”

    does anyone else see the irony in this statement?

    NatPo (as she’s been dubbed by my best friend) may be brilliant, but you are sir, are clearly not. or at least not a native english speaker, or not very good at proofreading… pick one.

  10. drowningfool

    “but you ARE sir, ARE clearly not or at least not a native english speaker, OR NOT VERY GOOD AT PROOFREADING”

    does anyone else see the irony in that statement?

  11. I saw Natalie Portman on Letterman once, and she was so dull that I couldn’t watch anymore. She was going on and on about the problems she had with her printer, trying to print an essay.

    ‘It was crazy,’ she said.

    I’d rather listen to Whitney Houston scream ‘I don’t do crack! I just smoke these white magic beans…’

  12. andrewthezeppo

    what are you people nuts? Did ANYBODY see “Closer” I understand that it was a crappy P.O.S. movie, but Natalie played a stripper and damn!!!! Girl is hot!

  13. MystressJade

    I’m 5’10″, and 135 lbs so I’m feeling really bad about myself now. I’ll never be a spinner.


  14. Jayne

    she’s utterly adorable

  15. pixel killya

    Nothing wrong with small…Shania Twain is small and gorgeous. Natalie however is small and ever so plain.

  16. Magus

    go spinner !!!!!

  17. I agree, she’s adorable. and I loved her in “Lord of the Rings.”

  18. Potemkin

    killya: “Nothing wrong with small…Shania Twain is small and gorgeous. Natalie however is small and ever so plain.”

    Well, no, Shania Twain is not small, seeing as how she’s of average height for an american woman. Good try, though!

  19. elvindeath

    Aftering seeing the clips from her in Closer and the paparazzi shots of her topless on St. Bart’s, I don’t feel like a gay pedophile at all when I subconciously begin masturbating while looking at her. I’m 6’3″ 250#, and I can attest to the fact spinners are _much_ more fun.

  20. Haterade

    touche sir… i guess i should proofread my own insults before i accuse someone else of them…

  21. soapbox

    She’s cute. And the picture is taken from above…

  22. Binky

    I saw Closer. She’s a lot cuter than Clive Owen.
    I was glad to see her in this new version of the Christmas Carol as well. Her ‘Tiny Tim’ was the best since ‘Tip-Toe’ and Miss Vikki.

  23. escapevelocity

    wow. a lot of natalie lovers and haters alike. a lot of posts in a short amount of time.

    i personally like natalie as an actor, in terms of the projects she chooses. she’s the female version of johnny depp, IMHO.

    however, in this picture, it’s just all wrong. maybe it’s her coat or her hairdo, not so sure… i mean, i know she’s 5’4″ or so, but she just looks like a dwarf in this picture. also in that picture her head looks too big for her body. she looks like she’s being escorted by her mum and dad.

    i also kind of have a feeling that she’s a lesbian. or at least bi.

  24. rivercmb

    “but you ARE sir, ARE clearly not or at least not a native english speaker, OR NOT VERY GOOD AT PROOFREADING”

    “does anyone else see the irony in that statement?”

    It’s stuff like this that the internet was made for. That and talking about moderately attractive actresses with the bodies of 11 yr olds.

  25. Binky

    (Any gal who has to hang with those Star Wars weirdos is bound to go a bit ‘queer’)
    Not that there’s…etc

  26. HughJorganthethird

    Yes the irony on this site is delicious.

    Kinda like salt and vinegar chips and chocolate ice cream after a big fat blunt.


  27. susie-q

    >>Grammar nazi<< hahahaha that’s funny

    She’s mysterious, and apparently very intelligent, and well-educated.

    That picture though … it concerns me … greatly. Something’s just not quite right.

    I recognize that actress she is with – sort of. One of those filler-type actresses you see again and again in small roles.

    Her education is way impressive. And an academy nominee to boot. Not too shabby.

  28. Enelym

    “Well, no, Shania Twain is not small, seeing as how she’s of average height for an american woman. Good try, though!”

    The average American woman is also fat, but I guess they’re not fat, just average.

  29. GoldDiggrrl

    The problem with Natalie Portman is that she highly overestimates her beauty. She thinks she can simply wake up, take a shower, put on some jeans and t-shirt, and go out looking stunning. Even with a bald head and a boys ‘do. Unfortunately, (for her) this is not the case. Natalie is pretty, but she’s not THAT pretty. Or THAT femenine, to be able to skip makeup, hair and a girls outfit and still look like a woman, let alone a pretty one.
    Sorry Natalie, but for that kind of hairstyle, only Winona Ryder and Halle Berry can really pull it off.
    Wake up ! You need some makeup and real girls hair to look like a girl. Otherwise, you’re just a boy. And not even that cute of a boy.

  30. lysistrata11

    Wow. What is this? Bash on tall people day? “Yes, tall women are for the most part manly looking and ugly. Even supermodels, up close, are not that hot.” (Drowningfool)…hmm. Maybe if you’re talking about nasty, anorexic runway models but I know plenty of beautiful tall women. I’m 5’10″ and I’m not gonna say I’m gorgeous or anything but I don’t think I look like I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down…geez.

  31. rachel

    I’m only 5’0″. Does that mean I should runaway and join the circus cuz, according to some of these posts, I’m a freak of nature?

  32. Id still bang her, yumyum, ohh that white suit in Star Wars 2

  33. kahuna

    Damn !! pedophile! I guess that’s why I keep watching re-runs of “Peanuts” or “Different strokes” and keep checking every day the countdown for Harry Potter’s Emma Watson to be of legal age.
    Well at least Nathalie is (legal),but I’ll just pretend that she’s not.

  34. AmberDextrose

    Well thank the Lord, somewhere on today’s site there were a few funny comments. I was beginning to despair, but there (between the yappity yappity “she’s lovely”, “no she’s not”, “yes she is”) were a few gems:

    GothamGuy (#7) – LMAO
    Larry – Pez: niiiiiiiiiiiice, oh I like it. Have you seen her ‘sister’ Keira Knightley? New Improved Pez, now with bigger head!

  35. slinkhard

    Natalie Portman’s pretty enough, but she’s not sexy at all. Just comes off as a very cold fish.

  36. WTF are you smokin? I’ll rape, kill and plunder to be Natalie’s underwear…she’s so totally freakin hot!

    8yo boy? Gosh you’re on dope i swear…

  37. Larry

    “Shut up, grammar nazi.”

    Oooh, check out the big balls on miniature boy.

    So when you forget to breathe (which I am sure you often do), and someone comes over and reminds you that you need to do that on a regular basis, you cry “shut up, respiration nazi.”

    Yes, by all means do go out and get crabs. Give the HeroClix, the leet, and your palm, a little break. And stop lusting after “women” who look like little boys.

    Four out of five respondants in a recent poll said that people who use the word “owns” to indicate approval should be held down and have a railroad spike slowly driven through their skulls.

  38. sparkmonkey

    She was pretty hot in Lord of the G-Strings.

  39. georgina

    he he

  40. Foxbase Alpha

    The chick next to her looks a lot cuter.

  41. I’m sorry, Larry….I like classy and well-educated women. So, you can go back to fawning over Paris and Britney. Natalie looks fine just the way she is.

    It’s just a haircut. And it’s just a word. And you’re taking it way too far, like, to a scary place. And “Oooooh! Lordy, lordy Massah Larry, I’z nevah doubt you again! Teh Internets Is Serious Business! Massah Larry done floggeded me real good over Teh Internets! I’z be a good Toby now!”

    That’s all I have to say on the matter.

    Next comment, please.

  42. HollyJ

    She’s only one blow-up away from being an angry Jewish lesbian. ONE.

  43. badfishstan

    How could you turn down a girl who’s cunt tastes like heaven?

  44. HexiumVII

    OH yeah dakota. Nat has nothing on her.
    Only a few more years left

  45. Seamus Begonia Smell

    SHE’S the normal one next to an enormous beastly ogre! big girls look manly! she is feminine

  46. Porcelyn

    Ugly, ugly child, that boy’s parents are cruel to dress him as a middle aged, Bingo mad woman.

  47. ihatecelebs

    “I’ve never understood why so many people find Natalie Portman so attractive. She looks like an eight-year-old boy, which means these people are pedophiles.”

    Yeah, ok. But, the “supermodels” you ogle don’t resemble 8-yr. old boys, with their 0% body fat, no boobs and stick figures, do they? Check yourself…

  48. sqongo

    She’s a little Jewish sweetheart,i love her and the haters are retinally challenged!!

  49. fame is funny

    i wish i had one…i’d keep her in my pocket and pull her out at parties…like ‘hey everybody…N-PORT in the HIZZZOUSE’

  50. The Word

    HollyJ, you’re only fifteen million brain cells from being an intelligent, productive member of socety. I’ve never heard the expression, “Angry Jewish lesbian” before. How would that differentiate her from an angry Christian lesbian? Does she throw bagels when people call her a dyke? HollyJ, to quote Will Ferrell in Anchorman…”If you were a man, I’d punch you. I’d punch your right in the mouth!”

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