Natalie Portman is tiny

February 1st, 2006 // 114 Comments
*natalie_portman1.jpg

I’ve never understood why so many people find Natalie Portman so attractive. She looks like an eight-year-old boy, which means these people are pedophiles. “Well,” they’ll say, “Natalie’s not that sexy. She’s no Dakota Fanning, that’s for sure. That bitch is hot.” Natalie’s not a girl you have sex with; she’s a girl you sit in front of the tv with a stack of Powerpuff Girls DVDs and hope she doesn’t cry at the scary parts.

Thanks to Gracie for the tip.

superficial

  1. Kitchy

    Thank you. I thought I was the only one who thought she looked like an eight year old boy. I do think however, that she has outdone herself this time with the Frodo mates with Mr. Bean haircut. I thought she was taller. This makes her look even more hobbitish…and that coat…again with Mr. Bean..there seems to be a pattern here, it must be genetic. Does anyone remember Emo Phillips? (if you had forgotten, I apologize)The picture made me think of him also and one of Joe Pesci’s toupee’s.

  2. I’m a big guy. If I tried to have sex with that girl her pelvis would explode. Not that it’s a bad thing, but then I’d get Hayden Christensen’s pubic lice. That would be a bad thing.

  3. RevBrandy

    I think we can deduce that because she and Jude Law had several scenes together in “Closer” — and he didn’t tower over her the way Clive Owen did — that Jude Law is very shrimpy.

  4. PapaHotNuts

    I have never seen Vern Troyer look sexier. I could never imagine a scenario in which I would hump Vern Troyer, but you can throw that idealogy right out the window. He looks yummy.

  5. ElFurbe

    Nonsense. Natalie Portman, the Natalie Portman that has a feminine hairstyle, is quite lovely. I would agree that she looks boyish with that mop, but in the general sense, you’re all on drugs.

    As a corollary, when did being short suddenly become mutually exclusive in its relation to hotness? I mean, I’m not against a long cool woman in a black dress or anything, but my personal definition of hotness has no penalty for being short.

  6. Average

    I think she shaved her head for a movie.
    She should have stopped with The Professional.

  7. GothamGuy

    I always wonder what is going on in the Superficial newsroom…I think they should have a “meet the editors” feature.

    I wonder if it’s like The Simpsons or SNL where one editor is the most brilliant…don’t get me wrong , the site is always funny, but some days…wow. The last three posts have been great…the Miller/Lord Vader post in particular. The same editor must have written this classic (warning: you are about to read the all time most awesome Superficial post)…

    If I had to choose between slamming my penis into Kristen Dunst or slamming my penis in a car door, I would at least request that car be American. Then maybe my penis could get buried in a national cemetery. And soldiers would hand me a folded flag while I cried at its funeral. I would miss my penis, we

  8. ESQ

    Tinkerbell really does exist.

  9. HollyJ

    Natalie – put your hands up and step away from the Flowbee.

    Her ‘do IS ick, but with a cute haircut, I think she’s a pretty little thing. Not “hot” maybe, but certainly not a boy.

    I’m with ElFurbe(5). Isn’t “small” more feminine than being 6′ tall? I’m 5’9, and I always thought it was more attractive and feminine to be “dainty.”

    When the women start being the same size as the men, you know you’re in Easten Europe. And Hollywood, my friend, is NOT in Eastern Europe.

  10. Average

    Posted by ElFurbe-
    “my personal definition of hotness has no penalty for being short.”

    On behalf of short women I thank you.
    And agree, Portman has always been pretty. I think men are getting so used to women wearing a pound of make-up they cant recognize one without it anymore.

  11. gossipmonger

    Natalie Portman was born on 06/09/1981, in Jerusalem, Israel. She is 5′ 4″ tall and weighs 110 lbs.

    5’4″?? ok, that makes the others in the pic giants…or wearing really high heels…

  12. SMF121490

    She is so tiny. And, she does look like a little boy. Poor thing.

  13. thesebeans

    i went to college with her. she’s not so noticeably tiny in person, although she is kinda a bitch.

  14. Whatup

    OMG Yoda has been unmasked!

  15. Hey! I am 4’10″ and have been told many times

    “short girls do it better”

    Go Shorty!

  16. Larry

    “Natalie Portman was born on 06/09/1981, in Jerusalem, Israel.”

    Aha, that explains the tininess. You can take them out of the shtetl, but you can’t take the shtetl out of them.

    The average height of the Jewish guys I work with is actually about 5′ 4″, so I guess they see her as a kind of Chosen Gabrielle Reece.

  17. Larry

    By the way, as to her hotness, Natalie Portman looks like a Pez dispenser with an attractive lid. Some guys just like a pretty face, other guys like a curvy body as well. Yet others like long legs, a large round ass, a small round ass, and so on and so forth ad nauseum. In the end, it’s all a matter of taste.

    That said, Natalie Portman looks like a Pez dispenser with an attractive lid.

  18. mags

    Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin. Make up your minds and stick with something so us women can know if we’re good enough or not!

    Anyhoo, of course she has a bad “haircut”, it’s called “growing”.

  19. ESQ

    Keebler elf! That is what she reminds me of.

  20. Larry

    “Make up your minds and stick with something so us women can know if we’re good enough or not!”

    Go ahead and just assume you’re not.

  21. Bob Denver

    I prefer ‘petite’ chicks to women who look like Xena: Princess Warrior. That’s right, prefer feminine women to women who look like they’ve been pumped full of testosterone.

    But I guess if The Superficial has nothing to complain about, they go after a persons height. Then if Natalie got leg extensions or some other novel plastic surgery to fix that “flaw”, you’d rag on her for getting plastic surgery.

  22. Craig & "em"

    I don’t mean to be picky or anything, but you guys accidentally put an old picture of Justin Timberlake above the Natalie Portman is Tiny heading. Could you please fix it, cause I’m always delighted to see pics of Natalie.

  23. drowningfool

    Three things:

    1.) Yes, it is hotter to be short if you’re a girl. (Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lyndsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewiit, Hillary Duff…the list goes on)

    2.) Yes, tall women are for the most part manly looking and ugly. Even supermodels, up close, are not that hot. I saw Tyra Banks in real life and I still have nightmares about it.

    3.) Finally: Natalie Portman WAS so hot. And now she looks weird. And boy-ish. Then I watch Closer and I realize how hot she CAN be and she is forgiven.

    Thanks for listening. Good night.

  24. I think Natalie Portman, like a lot of younger actresses was somebody that you assumed WOULD grow up to be hot. A good theory, but for every cute kid actor who grows up hot like Alica Milano, there are others that dissappoint…

  25. mary

    And yet she’s taller than me (I’m 5’2″).
    I thihnk she’s pretty, but being a little boy look-a-like in my own right (or at least permanently a pre-teen..seriously..I’m always carded..) I’m slightly biased.

    When will someone tell her and others of the same/shorter height to not wear long/too long coats?? Why don’t you just get a sandwich board that says, “Mayor of Munchkinland”?

  26. MortyFishbein

    In case anyone DIDN’T know, tall is sexy. Randy Newman said it best when he stated short people have no mreason to live. LOL

    ElFurbe, stumpy people do not and have not equated hotness. That’;s why in Hollywood when an actor or actress was short the studios (they even do that shit today) made sure they used camera angles, boxes and stuff to make them look taller. Gillian Anderson stood on boxes for years next to Duchovny.

    Case in point, everyone knows Angelina Jolie is hot. But in person, I saw her at a restaurant in Malibu and she was in a dress with what had to be at least three inch heels. She is 5’9″ without heels but with the heels, she was a little closer to six feet. Her beauty was just magnified even more for me. I’m telling you now, if Angelina was shorter than that, she wouldn’t be all that much to write home about I PROMISE.

    And to the guys who think she is hot in this picture, please stay away from playgrounds and altar boys.

  27. Average

    I suppose if she dressed like and used as much makeup as Paris Hilton the men would be all over her.
    I appreciate her as a female that doesnt feel she needs to look like shiny plastic in a business where all they sell is shiny plastic.
    She isnt selling herself,(with pornstar makeup and T&A clothing)so she looks like a boy, but as soon as she does she is considered a whore.

    She may be a shity actress but atleast she isnt a sell out like the rest of them.

    Im surprised no one has made a comment about her being a lesbian. Because, we all know, women that dont wear makeup and sport baggy clothing are always! lesbians.

  28. Hey spamnews, your link shows Darth Vader with his shirt off. That’s like, false advertising or something.

    Nerdy Girls > Slutty Girls.

  29. I am short like Natalie.
    I think she is pretty.

  30. anomasil

    So, I actually have home video of Miss Natalie Portman during a show we were in together when she was 10… Yeah, even at 10 she looked 6. She is pretty tiny. Thanks for letting me share this useless info.

  31. Portman owns.

    Period.

    She’s a good actress and a good person. Back off of her. Go pick on Mischa Barton’s bony ass some more.

  32. spamnews

    Kmac. Sorry about that. I was enjoying something else while pleasuring myself and I guess the URLs got mixed up or something.

  33. Dee

    When she was on all the best dressed lists at this years globes-I was like WTF? She looks like a kid whose way to skinny, and that hairdo is terrible. When are these girls going to stop looking like waifs and anorexics?

  34. Uhhhh, she’s really not that short. She’s in flat shoes, standing in between a MAN, and another female who appears to be wearing high heels. She’s also wearing a jacket that’s a bit too large for her, making her appear more dwarfy.
    5’4″ is pretty average for a woman.
    In fact, according to The Internet, 5’4″ is the average female height in north america.
    Oh and she shaved her head for a movie, it’s growing back now – hence the short hairdo.

  35. To Comment #29. Before your comment 28 people had posted and nobody had insinuated that Natalie Portman was a lesbian or made a big deal that she wasn’t wearing make-up. Just becuase you have issues doesn’t mean everybody on here does Ms. Defensive. (And Ms. doesn’t inply that you are a lesbian, merely that I don’t know whether you are married or not, OOOPS! I took another issue away from you!)

  36. Sebastian De La Ghetto

    man shes still pretty. just throw a wig on her. id knock it down

  37. BibaBui

    I just found out that she is my age, has my height and my weight.

    Plus my hair is short too.
    And i’m not boyish in any way.

    This post is kind of ridiculous, she is a beautiful girl and a great actress.

    People tend to judge a woman by numbers she can offer. Specially numbers she cannot control, like her height or the size of her boobs.

    Comon people, what she did wrong?

  38. acescence

    i saw her in august with clean-shaven head. i rubbed it with my elbow and have since enjoyed great luck and prosperity.

  39. Geno

    Natalie is cute as all hell.. All you fat posers would do anything to just have a chance with her. Get real, she’s pretty….end of story.

  40. deluxxe

    Makes no difference to me. I’ve always been attracted to short women. I’m 6’3 and my gf is 5’2 and we still manage to line up our genitals.

  41. amma

    …She looks like an elf. Seriously, she is a really pretty actress, I think the hair does come from some movie role she shaved for. My Natalie soft spot comes from The Professional–that movie kicked ass!!!

  42. billabong021

    I used to think she looked really hot but lookin at that pic she looks like a 12yr old playing dressup. Looks like Dakota’s got competition now.

  43. Larry

    “Portman owns.”

    Only to people who use the word “own” to indicate approval …

    … in other words, 12-year-old boys who play Games Workshop games instead of being sexually promiscuous.

  44. rivercmb

    #13 thesebeans

    Do you have a funny stories about her from college?

  45. Haterade

    what a lesbian.

    who cares how tall she is? look at that dykey get up!

    les.

    bi.

    an.

    also, she cut her hair off in June, shouldn’t it have grown back by now? you know what that means?

    lesbian.

  46. claire bear

    My boyfriend met her about a year ago. She really is that tiny. He thought he was going to break her.

  47. Captain Awesome

    He’s a good actress, never found him sexy. I guess because i dont like boys.

    When he was that stripper in that one film, thats the closest i’ve seen him to looking like a woman.

  48. Potemkin

    I definitely wouldn’t call her short; that’s just stupid. The average american woman is 5’4″, and Natalie Portman is 5’3″. So calling her short is the equivalent of calling a woman who’s 5’5″ tall, and that’s absurd.

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