Natalie Portman is smarter than you

March 8th, 2006 // 80 Comments

natalie-portman-teach.jpgA nice palette-cleansing story to wash the horrible taste of underage molestation, Steve-O’s heart-shaped groin, chunky Britney pics, and Hasselhoff beatings out of your mouth: Ms. Natalie Portman, fresh off her summer as a Sinead O’Conner impersonator, stepped into a Columbia University classroom on Monday as a stand-in professor for the day.

The cynic in me immediately dismisses this as a publicity-stunt-disguised-as-a-nice-gesture to get her new movie V for Vendetta in the news, kind of like when Angelina Jolie adopts a bunch of kids right before her movies open. On the other hand, it is Natalie Portman, fluent in five languages, degree from Harvard, and perfect in every way. My gut is telling me to go with the latter. As is my penis.



  1. tito

    #4, Grphdesi23, are you really so ignorant as to take fragmented sentences from entire interviews and try to use it against the person to disprove their intelligence?

  2. drowningfool

    As a young child I was once taught that God blessed everyone in different ways. If you were extremely beautiful, you were dumb. If you were ugly, then you had a great personality and you got good grades and would be successfull. Natalie Portman has taught me the reality: God chooses some of his creations to be “super-people”: talented, beautiful and smart. And he chooses others to be the opposite: dumb, fat, ugly and talentless (American Idol auditions anyone?). The latter creations are put on this earth solely for God’s amusement. Like monkeys dancing in funny clothes.

    The truth should be taught to kids earlier…thank you for listening everyone…goodnight

  3. Evangelia

    #7 suzy – are you done kissing natalie’s ass yet?
    so she’s smart. so she went to harvard. she should be a professor then, because quite frankly she is one of the worst actresses in hollywood. her performance in garden state was so annoying it made be want to throw something at her oddly-shaped head.
    i truly respect the fact that she’s intelligent. i like to read too. but that doesn’t mean i can act, and it doesn’t mean that natalie can either.

  4. hafaball

    Lol, she may be smart, but in that pic it looks like she’s saying, “I wish my breasts were this big!” Yes, I’m very mature.

  5. tito

    #17 got hit with the bitter end of the jealousy stick, and the naive end of the Star Wars stick.

  6. prideofchucky

    I think the camera caught her during the metaphorical portion of her lecture:

    “Now, picture if you will-
    A girl with BBBIIIIGGGG juggs….”

  7. Natalie Portman is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. And by us, I mean guys who are into brainy and beautiful women.

  8. jida

    #13 – #14

    What’s the difference between Harvard College and Harvard University?
    Harvard College is a part of Harvard University focusing on educating undergradutes. It is part of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences and offers programs in the liberal arts.
    Harvard University refers to the entire educational institution, including the undergraduate college, the graduate and professional schools, research centers, administration, and affiliates.

    A list of the schools and major academic units shows some of the hierarchical structure, as does an organizational chart.

  9. downshine

    for someone who calls themselves the “LinguisticAnthro” you would think they would know the difference between a college and a university….

  10. xavierout

    #8, You go to Columbia and you don’t know the difference between “poor” and “pour”? That makes me giggle!

    Yeah, yeah, yeah Portman is hot, smart, etc., etc…

    She’s a suprisingly gentle lover and totally open to new things. Bringing in the extra girl was totally her idea. I said no because it would cheapen our bond and the beauty of our lovemaking.

    Plus she’s the only girl I know who loves Israel more than me. She told Spielberg, repectfully, that “Munich” was crap. And for that she is my hero. When we make love and she’s looking deeply into my eyes she screams out dirty things in Hebrew. It’s kind of awesome!

  11. She is smarter than me. But this is America, where no one gives a shit.

    We give Oscars to Three 6 Mafia, and I love it.

  12. pixel killya

    Aah…the bachelor’s degree in psychology. I loved my psych classes, even a monkey could get perfect grades. Nothing better for the old gpa than snagging a few psych and sociology credits, highly recommend it.

  13. maggixial

    Not a surprise she had a 4.0 considering 90% of the students graduate with honors.

  14. Heather

    #8, you are completely full of shit. And if you’re telling the truth, then you’re one of the bottom-of-the-rung Columbia students. I’ve seen it myself–a few retarded people here at UC Berkeley who somehow make it in based on connections, money, sports, minority status, or doing a shitload of ass-kissing community service in high school. The only person I know who was admitted and went to Columbia is a veritable genius who definitely knows the difference between “pour” and “poor.” I highly doubt that you’re telling the truth, and if it turns out that you are: your hair is gross.

  15. I love Natalie Portman because she is a genuinely nice person, a great actress and she is very, very smart.

    Good on her for doing this, and I bet she had a good time.

  16. ebayfan414

    Heehee LMFAO @ the comment above mine about the dirty hair!!!

  17. LindaParson

    Of course she’s smart- she’s Jewish.

  18. Sheva

    It’s nice that the girl is bright. But after Garden State, I contemplated suicide so I would never ever see it on a rerun.

    That and although she was a nice little girl in the professional, I didn’t realize she would grow another inch and gain five pounds to become a smurf.

    All smurfs need to die, and die pronto.
    Even if she is a smart runt, she needs to lighten the smurf gene pool before it’s too late.

  19. unknownassassin

    sorry to burst your bubbles, but “golden child” natalie portman actually transferred to harvard from the not-so-prestigious tel aviv clown college (haifa satellite campus), where she double-majored in aramaic and hitting arabs in the face with cream pies (kosher, of course), earning a measly 2.35 gpa … the ONLY reason she got in at all is that outgoing harvard president lawrence h. summers happens to be a huge star wars nerd/israeli clown buff. (some speculate that the brewing controversy over her admission ultimately led to his early departure.)

    #32–sure, there are plenty of brilliant jewish folks who have made great contributions to society… but here are ten reasons not to jump the gun on that sweeping generalization:

    1) corey haim
    2) corey feldman
    3) dr. laura
    4) goldberg (formerly of the wcw)
    5) rob schneider
    6) dustin diamond (aka “screech”)
    7) kathie lee gifford
    8) howie mandel
    9) geraldo
    10) paul wolfowitz

  20. Average

    I respect her for making the most out of her silverspoon :)

    She was bad in Star Wars, so was everyone, thats just how they were written. Lucas is just like Tolkien incredible vision, world changing vision, but cant write worth shite.

    Not to mention Lucas didnt give the actors any artistic freedom. He has actually conceded to that, its his way or you arent a part of it.
    Christensen(New Vader) said “Im gonna get fucked” to Samuel Jackson on the sidelines about Lucas telling him to whine it up, more petulance. (This was taken straight from the official star wars site.)

    Cant blame the actors for Star Wars you can only blame Lucas. And considering he changed American cinema forfuckingever, with one movie while only being paid 100,000 for the job I respectfully suggest you to fuck off :D

  21. Iouliana

    i am a student who is busting her ugly, talentless ass to get into some law school. You don’t even realize the extent of my jealousy…why her?? I mean…Can she rub it in my face even more..yes I am not in movies…I don’t have 4.0 GPA…im not a size 2…goddamn…where’s that bottle of vodka…it won’t tell me im a failure like natalie does…no it wont! ohhti cutie tootie…nooo it wont aksdhfaksdhf who am i kidding im already drunk…ahahh i love you my cute little vodka bottle….i feel good now…SCREW YOU NATALIE!! go act in some more sappy/nerdy movies!! i hate you!!! oh i wish i were you….

    someone…get me a therapist…

  22. Evangelia

    dear tito..
    looks like you got “hit with the bitter end of the jealousy stick” (does that even make sense?) You’re the least famous of the jackson siblings, what a shame.
    to paraphrase grphdesi, it’s a fucking JOKE. stop talking about jealousy sticks and naive sticks or whatever, and pull that giant stick out of your own ass.

  23. Average

    Iouliana, if its any consolation, I doubt Portman had to bust any ass to get where she is.

  24. TaiTai

    Wow this whole thread is cracking me up. How ironic that it is titled “Natalie Portman is Smarter than You,” and then almost every post that follows has at least one misspelled word or grammatical error. And that includes the main post which I believe should say “palate cleansing” instead of “palette cleansing” unless of course Mr. Superfish has been painting artistic renderings of fat Cheeto-slurping white trash has-beens. Surprisingly, even #25 who chastises Mr. Columbia for not knowing the difference between “poor” and “pour” doesn’t know how to spell surprisingly! Sorry didn’t mean to go all Teacher on you guys, but I think the headline is right. But she is not smarter than meeeeeee, bwwwaaahaahaaaa……

  25. Average

    39. Posted by TaiTai
    “Wow this whole thread is cracking me up. How ironic that it is titled “Natalie Portman is Smarter than You,” and then almost every post that follows has at least one misspelled word or grammatical error”

    Including yours :)

  26. #39 How many times did you run your own post in Spell/Grammar Check?

    Am I the only one who thought Garden State was a good movie?

    What happened to the important issues on this site?…You know, like racism and abortion. Education-schmeducation, and that’s all I have to say about that.

  27. robot_turkey

    Ha! As if any of you stupid cunts are in college (or “university”) or have ever earned a real degree.

  28. Captain Awesome

    Fucking lol @ #3

  29. Niggerinnis

    TaiTai, you lame fuck, chastising people for mispellings (which are more likely just typos) is the the epitome of faggotry. Misspelling a word doesn’t disprove your intelligence, you silly cunt.

  30. hafaball

    I liked Garden State, but the ending was pig shit. And Closer…that was so good!

  31. jennifer11

    i cannot believe not a single person has said this… so i will…

    i’d hit it! i’d hit it right over the professor’s desk. oh yes, i would.

  32. bafongu

    Eye went too a ivy leegue skool too. Eye went to dArtmooTh. Gnatillee shud bea prOud to mak gud Movee’s and bea smart too.

  33. bafongu You stupid idiot! You spelled something wrong, it’s supposed to be “whendt” not “went” like you spelled it. Some people are so stupid…

  34. Zanna

    People PEOPLE!!! Something has gone wrong…it’s like Civil War has broken out on the Superficial….let’s step back and remember what this site is about….

    Now, hold hands take a deep breath and let’s collectively make celebrities CRY!

  35. mcsegeek1

    Q: Ms. Portman, your breasts are so small. If you were to enlarge them, how big would you want them?

    A: (captured in photo) This big!

  36. Patrick

    I attend Columbia, and I can confidently say that despite her talents, Miss Portman is quite the arch-Zionist scumbag. She might be alright on screen, but she doesn’t belong at the front of a college classroom.

  37. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Natalie Portman is short.
    P.S. College is for hippies

  38. dr. kenneth noisewater

    she makes me want to stay after class and pound her erasures.

  39. what is she saying in that classroom, anyway?
    “dude, zach braff’s balls were this big!”

  40. tits_on_snack

    i hope there’s a new update soon.

  41. gogoboots

    AWW she’s so smart, she really is!

  42. xmarcelax

    i’m not rich, or a size 2, e havent acted with jude law, i dont speak 5 languages, i didn’t go to harvard…….
    that depresses the hell out of me

    show me some more paris hilton! :(

  43. gogoboots

    Sometimes certain people are so perfect you wish bad things upon them. Forunately, I don’t think that Natalie is such a good actress, but she makes an awfully cute pixie!

  44. gogoboots

    Patrick, arch-Zionist scumbag? That’s a mouthful!

  45. amma

    Natalie schmatalie…UPDATE THE SITE!!! Don’t tell me you’re too busy w/I Watch Stuff {crap!}.

  46. TaiTai

    Wow #44 I must have touched a nerve. Geez I thought the whole mwhaaaaaaa thing might have tipped you off that I was kidding and in fact was not chastising anyone — just thought it proved the whole point that Ms. Natalie Portman Harvard Madam was much smarter than all of us put together (except for me of course). Oh wait, if I was so smart I guess I wouldn’t be on this site at all would I? And I must be even dumber than I thought because I still can’t find any misspelled wurdz on my previous post. Too bad we can’t all be rich, famous, fluent in several languages and .. um.. rich like her. Oh and hanging out with Zach Braff. Because that is my goal in life, really. Don’t care much about history. Anyway I hope the next post about her has her hanging out in a bar with Paris Hilton and Tara Reid getting fat and doing shots out of someone’s belly button. Someone hot. Like Zach Braff. Well maybe that wasn’t a good example.

  47. CCClub

    I resent her intelligence, her beauty, and her talent. She will be a success in any endevour in her life. She would also make a fantastic ritual offering to a Pagan god, which is what I suspect happened to most other goody two-shoes know-it-alls throughout history.

  48. LOL at everyone here trying to talk as education specialists.

  49. jugsgirl

    Natalie Portman is smarter than me.

    Tai Tai,
    How’s my spelling?
    May I have a sticker?

  50. tits_on_snack

    OK enough with this freaking Lisa Simpson, let’s have a new update please. And as #60 mentioned, it better have nothing to do with “I Watch Stuff”.. I Watch Stuff is not funny or interesting. I think you know that, because you disable comments whenever you post it. Are they paying the bills here or something?

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