Natalie Portman Birthed This Guy’s Son

June 14th, 2011 // 66 Comments

“Bonjour, bitches!”

To the anguish of nerds the world over, Natalie Portman has given birth to Benjamin Millepied‘s son, according to People. And exactly as you’d expect from a Jewish vegan actress and French ballet divo, they’ve chosen not to reveal the name of their progeny, so just assume it’s something really pretentious like Hiram Baryshnikov Alouette Millepied The Thousand and Oneth. “Non, non, non, those swine shall not know my swan prince’s name until they dance ze Nutcracker!” is how I like to pretend that conversation went.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Kim Khlamydia

    Ze afta-birss, she taste like a fine Brie, but wis a soupçonne of Manischewitz.

  2. Unless she had twins and named them Luke and Leia, I don’t want to hear about it.

  3. brian

    The son will be named Oscar

  4. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    So is there a reason for this ridiculousness or does he literally douche-dance everywhere he goes?

  5. maeby

    I fucking love you

  6. Cock Dr

    The child is likely to be agile if nothing else.
    Congratulations to the new parents.

  7. Wow, it looks like The Rapture is actually starting and the douchebags are the first ones to go.

  8. sallypants

    Dude, I would birth a levitating dude’s son.

    Not Criss Angel though, he’s weird and was with Holly who was with Hef, etc;

  9. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy Lord, that’s sexy.

    Shut up everybody.

  10. Malthus

    Actually, if they are following Jewish tradition, the couple will not announce the name of the child right away. In fact, in that particular tradition they will not let anyone know the name until it is announced at Synagogue during a naming ceremony for girls or the bris (circumcision) for boys.

    Like you dear writer, I too was raised in an overly religious environment but in my case a different one. Like you as well I have gotten as far from it as I can, so I’m not saying what there doing is right or wrong but in this case it might not have anything to do with celebutard douchebaggery.

  11. chupacabra

    He didn’t marry her, right? Right.

    Well… that’s that then.

    • brian

      close they are engaged

      • Freaky

        Lol! I’m engaged in eating a McMuffin at the moment but it doesn’t mean I’m still going to be licking it’s greasy goodness in, say, 5 minutes.

    • Dan

      And it is not like you can’t easily get divorced.

      Marriage only means something if the people in the marriage give it meaning.

      Otherwise it is only a inconvenience when breaking up.

  12. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    Black guy is not amused.

  13. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    Breakfast in France is a miserable experience for all involved.

  14. Venom

    What a fucking travesty.

    Grumble grumble…

  15. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    The girls wanna be me!
    and the boys wanna faq me!

  16. the captain


  17. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    That number 8 trash can has some PRESENCE!

  18. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    Do the twist!
    Do the fly!
    Do the swim!
    Do the bird!
    Do the duck!
    Do the monkey!
    Hey hey, watusi!
    And what about the frug?
    Do the mashed potato!
    What about the boogaloo?
    Oh, the bony maronie!
    Come on, let’s do the twist!
    AaahDo the twist
    Do the fly
    Do the swim
    And do the bird
    Well do the duck
    Aaah, and do the monkey
    Hey hey, watusi
    And, ah, what about the frug
    Do the mashed potato
    What about the boogaloo
    Oh, the bony marony
    Come on let’s do the twist

  19. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    Aw, shit. Ruined it with bad copy and paste.

  20. DrunkRussian

    Congrats to the couple.

    Now, Ms Portman, get that bangin’ little body back into shape, pronto.

  21. you should have been a girl

    why do ladies date ballet guys!!! as a former ballet student…they are all gay. period. all of them. i was disappointed it wasn’t a girl with spock eyebrows like her. i wonder if parents ever think ugh. a boy. damn it. you know like victoria beckham did all three of those times.

  22. SuperficialAdmin

    that vagina is ruined

  23. Alejandro

    Fuck, I don’t know whats more douchy, this guy or me knowing that white shirt is Yves Saint Laurent
    -20 man points

  24. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    they probably haven’t revealed the name because it is Jewish custom not to reveal the name until the “bris”, which takes place 8 days after the baby is born.

  25. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    how is this picture possible? what is he doing? landing? jumping?

    • AP

      Pretty sure he’s landing. He jumped from the stairs behind him, probably. I thought he was just jumping onto some people’s table at random, but look at the table legs, pretty clearly a sturdy platform made just for this. But still, I’m not sure what’s going on; whatever it is, if it’s released in some form or another, I’m not going to see it, either.

  26. Jovy

    It’s way too early in the morning for something THIS gay.

  27. Rancid

    I can’t help but think, in France, all men act like this.

  28. rough sexy

    How do you twirl on tv without Jerry the Mouse.

  29. Mandi

    I laughed for a year at “The Thousand and Oneth.” Genius.

  30. whiskeyafternoon

    that picture might look pretentious and douchey, but that is also how he happens to enter her vagina–floating out of the air, feet first.

  31. Dan

    Honestly, I hope it works out well for all three of them. Good luck guys!

  32. The Lord Almighty

    Damn the gay guys are getting all the best poon lately.

  33. The Critical Crassness

    Good, now they can have the paternity test to prove the kid isn’t really Ashton Kutcher’s…..or in some quirky and unexplainable way, Mila Kunis’ .

  34. Basil Pemberton, Esq.

    Perhaps he is light in the loafers

  35. Flower

    Is that a bodyshirt? He’s wearing a damn bodyshirt!

  36. Which one of you ladies ordered the flaming Frenchie?

  37. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    Why are both of the dudes looking at his crotchular region and then the woman is looking at his face?

    I think we got ourselves a photograph full of “got dam homasexuls”

  38. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    So typical, knock up a Jewish girl and get sucked into Heaven by the rapture. Well played Benjamin… well played.

  39. Benjamin Millepied
    baby jezus
    Commented on this photo:

    if men could give birth he would have 1000 children

  40. Benjamin Millepied
    Donald Trump
    Commented on this photo:


  41. herbiefrog

    maybe nat is progressive enough…



    genitally multilate her own flesh and blood ?

    [[[you could hope… ?

    yeah… right…

  42. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    both of these women just got pregnant.

  43. Todd Hockney

    N. Portman is an actress. She might be “acting ” to convince us that gayest of all gay dudes is the father , when he probably has a visceral reaction when viewing a vagina

  44. Benjamin Millepied
    Commented on this photo:

    his BFF is kriss angel

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