Natalie Portman Married That French Dude

August 6th, 2012 // 23 Comments
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“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you, Monsieur and Madame Snooty Von Thousand Feet.”

So Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied are married for real now even though we now know in this post-Kristen Stewart‘s a tramp world that Darren Aronofsky is the real father of Natalie’s baby. Or George Lucas. (You’d think the neck pouch would act as a natural condom, I know.) Us Weekly reports:

Six months after very quietly debuting wedding bands at the 2012 Oscars, Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied exchanged marital vows in a Jewish ceremony at a private home near Big Sur, Calif., Us Weekly can exclusively confirm. The 8pm wedding took place beneath a chuppah–and in the dark! No other details were immediately available.

I have no idea what the hell Us Weekly just said, but I think it involves a chupacabra attacking Natalie Portman’s night wedding because Mexican goat suckers are notoriously anti-Semitic. That, or their natural weakness are saucy air slaps from a perturbed Frenchmen. “Non, non, non, goat man. These ees my wedding! Be gone with your bad self.” *waves doily*

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN


  1. Cock Dr

    It seems that A list women like their male dancers.
    Congrats Ben on finally landing that big Portman contract. It was probably more technically difficult & time consuming than that Mars rover landing last night.

  2. Frank Burns

    Oy! There’s a croissant in my matzo ball soup! What a world, what a world!

  3. Er…Fish, once she’s married, it’s Madame, not “Mademoiselle.”

  4. Natalie Portman Benjamin Millepied New York Company Ballet Gala
    Beaver Underground
    Commented on this photo:

    She has that “I finally got a man I can order around.” look on her face. Like all women.

  5. BlackAndWhiteMinstrel

    For every millepied there’s a millepiedophile

  6. kimmykimkim

    She is ridiculously gorgeous.

  7. Ruth

    I love when you write French to me Fish.

  8. seriouslynow

    One of the prettiest girls in the world, although it’s sometimes hard to tell with her head being so far up her ass.

  9. cc

    Did she invite Roman Polanski to the wedding? I am sure they must have nieces that he’d love to meet.

  10. Natalie Portman Benjamin Millepied New York Company Ballet Gala
    The Royal Penis
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m keeping you pregnant for here on out. Your tits are fabulous when they are primed for breast feeding.

  11. Buddy The Elf

    I give it three years.

  12. Natalie Portman Benjamin Millepied New York Company Ballet Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    “Ben, why do you keep smiling like that when you look at construction workers?”

  13. Natalie Portman Benjamin Millepied New York Company Ballet Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Eet eez taïm you cut yoor ‘air again Natalee! Zat way I can turn you around and pretend your a boy!

  14. Glass


    Good for her. Why can’t there be a million Portmans??

  15. Mazel tov, you crazy kids.

  16. Natalie Portman Benjamin Millepied New York Company Ballet Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Natalie: “I’m gonna get as many babies out of you as possible then dump your ass.”

  17. terry

    Ain’t going to last.

  18. hijkmno

    “Monsieur and Madame Snooty Von Thousand Feet.”

    so funny.

  19. Elf

    That’s why I heard a millions of nerds cry out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I knew something terrible had happened.

  20. Schmidtler

    well, now that she’s shat out a kid and married a frenchman, she’s ruined and i don’t have to waste my time on her anymore. whatever. it’s not like hollywood isn’t churning out an endless parade of pompous boyish looking vegan mini Jew girls.

  21. Evan

    She got what she wanted. Good for her! Hope it lasts!

  22. Evan Rallasphire

    Everyone deserves happiness and peace. Looks like she found it. Hope it works out.

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