Natalie Portman Married That French Dude

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you, Monsieur and Madame Snooty Von Thousand Feet.”

So Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied are married for real now even though we now know in this post-Kristen Stewart’s a tramp world that Darren Aronofsky is the real father of Natalie’s baby. Or George Lucas. (You’d think the neck pouch would act as a natural condom, I know.) Us Weekly reports:

Six months after very quietly debuting wedding bands at the 2012 Oscars, Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied exchanged marital vows in a Jewish ceremony at a private home near Big Sur, Calif., Us Weekly can exclusively confirm. The 8pm wedding took place beneath a chuppah–and in the dark! No other details were immediately available.

I have no idea what the hell Us Weekly just said, but I think it involves a chupacabra attacking Natalie Portman’s night wedding because Mexican goat suckers are notoriously anti-Semitic. That, or their natural weakness are saucy air slaps from a perturbed Frenchmen. “Non, non, non, goat man. These ees my wedding! Be gone with your bad self.” *waves doily*

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