Okay, this post has nothing to do with celebs but the topic was too good to ignore. It is all about being superficial which, hey, what do you know? That’s the name of this site. My apologies to anyone who thought this was “Cooking with Zakk Wylde.” That’s two sites over. Anyway, Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a certified plastic surgeon, has written a children’s book called “My Beautiful Mommy” that explains to kids about their mommy’s new body parts. Ha ha, adorable! Newsweek reports:
Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming into his office with their kids in tow. He says that mysterious doctor’s visits can be frightening for children. “Parents generally tend to go into this denial thing. They just try to ignore the kids’ questions completely.” But, he adds, children “fill in the blanks in their imagination” and then feel worse when they see “mommy with bandages,” he says. “With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can’t lift anything. They’re in bed. The kids have questions.”
Amazing. “My Beautiful Mommy” will be a perfect companion piece to the children’s book I’m working on called “My Drunk as Shit Daddy.” Here’s an exclusive excerpt:
[Page 1]
My daddy sometimes comes home smelling like that time our cat Whiskers died behind the washing machine. I asked him why he smells so bad and he smiled then said “Your mommy had you and now her vagina looks like the French Quarter of New Orleans. So daddy gets his happy juice from a bottle.”
[Page 2]
Whenever I start to cry my daddy always know how to make me stop. He says “Hey, shut up when daddy’s trying to nap on the kitchen floor or I’ll sell your toys so I can buy a new spoiler for my Vette. I don’t care if it’s wrapped around the neighbor’s tree again. That bitch is cherry. Gimme an animal cookie.”
[Page 3]
Daddy and I play all kinds of fun games like “Here hide this gun in your toybox while daddy goes to Mexico.” It was my favorite until the police showed up and made me live in a foster home until I was 18. I listen to emo music now and cut myself.
Go ahead. You can say it. I’m practically Dr. fucking Seuss over here. I just care about the kids, you know? The precious, precious kids.
NOTE: Excerpts of “My Beautiful Mommy” on Newsweek that you’ve got to see to believe. Then realize this quack is hocking the book at a whopping twenty smackers. Which is incredible because I would’ve easily paid thirty.
#11 They White Urkle – Absolute friggin’ genius.
#15 boboted – faggot liberal anus-tongueing prius-driving french-loving hippy douchebag.
Superfish are we brother and sister ’cause it sounds like we had the same Daddy.
guys, you gotta stop thinking your wife’s vag will somehow be ruined by giving birth….. they usually end up figuring out how all the muscles work in there, and after birth will really be able to satisfy! (or maybe my giant-ass head baby had nothing to do with it) – either way, you are just revealing your ignorance / insecurities! come on guys, I don’t mean to sound like a ‘pussy’, but if you’d just listen to what she wants for half a sec, I swear you can not only (easily) satisfy her, but you will also be a satisfied, happy man!
of course, it took me to 36 to figure that out!
My beautiful Mommy. My hopeless, fucked up country. ’nuff said.
They White Urkle,
Will you marry me?
Smart men are hard to find.
~Hot and Intellectual in NY
#39,
There is nothing worse than pussified, liberal, prius driving, tree hugging, envirowacko, pacifist douchebags who’ve no idea how economics, politics or foreign policy works.
Die, you wanna-be hippy, kumbaya singing f*&ktards. Die.
lol 56. Apparently the “heartland/right wing fringe” are unable to disagree with people in a courteous manner, and revert to juvenile grade school ad hominem attacks. wonderful! You’re a credit to your party, sir or madam.
They can’t be young enough!!
This is way more positive than that “Your Mommas Fucking Ugly as Sin” book that came out a while back.
Hey 56. No need to call you names. You fuckers are sooooo over. Why don’t you do us all a favor and suck on the gas pipe of that big-ass SUV of yours. Dumb bitch. I’m not calling you a name, by the way. It’s a simple fact.
#17,
you said: Thanks to this Americans are some of the sexiest, thinnest, most attractive people on earth.
Why then every research done says that Americans are suffering of most problems with over-weight? 65 percent of american population has a BMI over 25( is over-weighted), that means 1/3.
Thinnest indeed. For example 2000 over-weigted people were estimated to cost to the country over 117 million dollars.
That’s attractive!
Stupid whore women.
Great entry… as per usual… the only thing is that the French Quarter IS NOT ugly/flooded/useless. How do I know? Cause I live there. It’s awesome. Perhaps giving birth to you left your mom’s vagina like California after the wildfire season? Africa in a drought? the NYC Subway? Iraq? Any of the above sound good? Great. Now I have to get back to fighting evil with nothing but my pinky finger and a rubber band.
Some of you are hilarious! It’s truly amazing that you’re calling people who believe the future isn’t in oil stupid and dumb. Please take a mirror and stick just two little post-its there, the fact it’s a pollutant (toxic, bad for your health, people get respiratory difficulties like asthma) and perhaps, for you, the most compelling argument is that it’s non renewable (i.e. its going to be gone soon and you can’t MAKE the stuff). Because of some idiots who preferred to wait for all the oil to be gone before looking for alternatives (and of course who got lots and lots of money from the big oil companies to prevent any swaying to better energy sources), issues WILL arise, wait till people start stealing fuel, YOUR tank (already happening in England in small towns). So all you idiots complaining about Fuel being too expensive, sell your big SUVs, get cars which consumes less, better yet get an electrical car, in the long run it’ll come cheaper, because the oil prices are high? Well they’re going to keep doing that till you’re whole salary will go towards paying for a tank of it! Because what’s rare is never going to get cheaper my friends – w a k e u p -
Plastic surgery humor http://plasticsergeant.com/home/plastic-surgery-humor
yay…no more awkard questions from the kids….now if only i could afford the book nevermind the sugery
When does “Drunk as Shit” come out? It will be a useful tool in teaching children about why grown-up people act the way they do.