Okay, this post has nothing to do with celebs but the topic was too good to ignore. It is all about being superficial which, hey, what do you know? That’s the name of this site. My apologies to anyone who thought this was “Cooking with Zakk Wylde.” That’s two sites over. Anyway, Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a certified plastic surgeon, has written a children’s book called “My Beautiful Mommy” that explains to kids about their mommy’s new body parts. Ha ha, adorable! Newsweek reports:
Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming into his office with their kids in tow. He says that mysterious doctor’s visits can be frightening for children. “Parents generally tend to go into this denial thing. They just try to ignore the kids’ questions completely.” But, he adds, children “fill in the blanks in their imagination” and then feel worse when they see “mommy with bandages,” he says. “With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can’t lift anything. They’re in bed. The kids have questions.”
Amazing. “My Beautiful Mommy” will be a perfect companion piece to the children’s book I’m working on called “My Drunk as Shit Daddy.” Here’s an exclusive excerpt:
My daddy sometimes comes home smelling like that time our cat Whiskers died behind the washing machine. I asked him why he smells so bad and he smiled then said “Your mommy had you and now her vagina looks like the French Quarter of New Orleans. So daddy gets his happy juice from a bottle.”
Whenever I start to cry my daddy always know how to make me stop. He says “Hey, shut up when daddy’s trying to nap on the kitchen floor or I’ll sell your toys so I can buy a new spoiler for my Vette. I don’t care if it’s wrapped around the neighbor’s tree again. That bitch is cherry. Gimme an animal cookie.”
Daddy and I play all kinds of fun games like “Here hide this gun in your toybox while daddy goes to Mexico.” It was my favorite until the police showed up and made me live in a foster home until I was 18. I listen to emo music now and cut myself.
Go ahead. You can say it. I’m practically Dr. fucking Seuss over here. I just care about the kids, you know? The precious, precious kids.
NOTE: Excerpts of “My Beautiful Mommy” on Newsweek that you’ve got to see to believe. Then realize this quack is hocking the book at a whopping twenty smackers. Which is incredible because I would’ve easily paid thirty.