‘My Beautiful Mommy’ teaches kids about plastic surgery!

April 18th, 2008 // 67 Comments

Okay, this post has nothing to do with celebs but the topic was too good to ignore. It is all about being superficial which, hey, what do you know? That’s the name of this site. My apologies to anyone who thought this was “Cooking with Zakk Wylde.” That’s two sites over. Anyway, Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a certified plastic surgeon, has written a children’s book called “My Beautiful Mommy” that explains to kids about their mommy’s new body parts. Ha ha, adorable! Newsweek reports:

Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming into his office with their kids in tow. He says that mysterious doctor’s visits can be frightening for children. “Parents generally tend to go into this denial thing. They just try to ignore the kids’ questions completely.” But, he adds, children “fill in the blanks in their imagination” and then feel worse when they see “mommy with bandages,” he says. “With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can’t lift anything. They’re in bed. The kids have questions.”

Amazing. “My Beautiful Mommy” will be a perfect companion piece to the children’s book I’m working on called “My Drunk as Shit Daddy.” Here’s an exclusive excerpt:

[Page 1]

My daddy sometimes comes home smelling like that time our cat Whiskers died behind the washing machine. I asked him why he smells so bad and he smiled then said “Your mommy had you and now her vagina looks like the French Quarter of New Orleans. So daddy gets his happy juice from a bottle.”

[Page 2]

Whenever I start to cry my daddy always know how to make me stop. He says “Hey, shut up when daddy’s trying to nap on the kitchen floor or I’ll sell your toys so I can buy a new spoiler for my Vette. I don’t care if it’s wrapped around the neighbor’s tree again. That bitch is cherry. Gimme an animal cookie.”

[Page 3]

Daddy and I play all kinds of fun games like “Here hide this gun in your toybox while daddy goes to Mexico.” It was my favorite until the police showed up and made me live in a foster home until I was 18. I listen to emo music now and cut myself.

Go ahead. You can say it. I’m practically Dr. fucking Seuss over here. I just care about the kids, you know? The precious, precious kids.

NOTE: Excerpts of “My Beautiful Mommy” on Newsweek that you’ve got to see to believe. Then realize this quack is hocking the book at a whopping twenty smackers. Which is incredible because I would’ve easily paid thirty.

superficial

  1. FIRST to say maybe they can teach little girls to sew up their foul cuntholes

  2. Buffy

    You are, without a doubt, the funniest motherfucker on the internet. Your humor NEVER ceases to make me laugh out loud. LOVE your site.

  3. Erik

    Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming into his office with their kids in tow.”

    Okay soccer moms, here’s tip number one: if you can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours while you have a plastic surgery consult, THEN YOU CANNOT AFFORD NEW TITS. Sorry if your husband’s eye is wandering now that your assets are starting to sag, but if you wanted to keep your man, maybe you should’ve learned to suppress that gag reflex a little better.

  4. Sara

    Why don’t you go fuck yourself on imanassholewhoneedstobekilledrightnow.com

  5. tp

    FAT FAT FAT
    ALL WOMEN ARE FAT
    that seems to be the theme of this site

  6. Laura

    You have to love just how good smashing the plastic surgeon is portaryed in that book , I wonder how Salzhauer views himself

  7. Spazz

    OK, nothing funny to even say this is just frightening.

  8. heyjeer

    If a woman has the audacity to live and love life as a small breasted female, she is mocked for having tiny tits.

    If a woman takes notice of this and buys her self larger tatas to get the guys attention, she is moked for being fake.

    If a woman is born with larger mammaries she is harrassed through puberty by the most cretinous of the male gender and when she is finally old enough to demand respect, she is mocked as those large breasts begin to sag.

    What to men want? I am beginning to think one of those lifesize silicon sex dolls with the Double D cup and removable anal, vaginal and mouth orafices to allow cleaning and sterilization.

    Poor women. We just want real men.

    Oh – about the book? Me thinks this guy just got a LOT of free advertisement and will have a boon year remaking women into barbies.

  9. deacon jones

    Hey #8
    Why dont you go post that shit on someone’s page that gives a shit, like NOW’s
    You’ll grow a mustache and sprout shoulder pads in no time!

  10. Emily

    I laughed out loud in my office when i read this. F’n hilarious. thank you superficial writer

  11. They White Urkle

    Mommy, why do you sleep with so many different men?

    Because daddy is a liberal pussy who would rather drink wine and talk about the French with other liberal pussys while they tounge each others anus. Mommy needs it from a real man.

    Oh, ok. Is that why daddy is crying out in his Prius?

    Yes honey.

    An excerpt from my new book: Urkle’s guide to not letting your daughter marry a faggot liberal.

  12. junior

    Thats some pretty good material right there….good work

  13. lipper

    Mommy? Why is there no food or running water in the house? “Oh remember when I went to that nice doctor and got those new boobs? Well, now mommy can’t afford any of her bills and we’re about to lose the house. But on the plus size my tits look great don’t they little Billy?”

    Seriously, most people who get plastic surgery don’t have the means to do so, and the family does suffer. Ridiculous.

  14. lipper

    #11. Like we’re twins. Ok maybe not, but we were on the same path. lol

  15. Boboted

    #11 Are you fucking serious?

    Mommy, why do you not sleep with daddy anymore?

    Because daddy is a stupid racist redneck hick who comes home shit-faced every night, and rapes mommy while crushing her with his massive hairy beer gut.

  16. I wrote a Dr. Suess book about my exploits with hookers called “Horton Hears A Ho”.

  17. Quinn

    hopefully this will teach little girls that there’s nothing wrong with want to look good your husband, and little boys that it’s important to set your standards high.
    Thanks to this Americans are some of the sexiest, thinnest, most attractive people on earth.
    God Bless us and TCLTC

  18. Mommy why is White Urkle a retard?

    “Well baby, some people are born with small penises and others with small brains. Some people both. We call them Republican.
    I am sorry your education has been compromised as we are now so in debt that, well funds had to be slashed and taxes raised to pay for the war that your Daddy died fighting. So mommy has to feed you powdered milk and artificial potatoes again sweety. Now drink your ketchup soda”

  19. havoc

    You are practically Dr. Fucking Suess….

    .

  20. Got a kick from Heyjeer

    #8 heyjeer, the problem is that the stupidest guys are also the loudest, so we remember the morons much better than the decent chaps who remained silent, and we get this feeling of permanent criticism
    Your remark about big tits through puberty is hilarious !

  21. Both my mommies are tight

  22. LL

    I got way better titles:

    Holy Shit, Mommy, What Happened to Your Boobies?!

    Your Face Just Looks Different, Not Better, Mommy

    Mom, Getting Kim Kardashian’s Ass Won’t Bring Dad Back

    Thanks For Wiping Out My College Fund, Mom, Hope Your New Tits Are Worth It

  23. #22 LOL at LL, especially the second one!!

  24. Ted from LA

    I weep for this country. Not really, but we’re in a boatload of trouble. Oil prices, all-time high, dollar all-time low, gold all-time high, gas prices all-time high, debt all-time high, contitutional rights all-time low, fake tits surgeries all-time high, trade deficit all-time high. I’m horney… not an all-time high, but that is more difficult to measure.

    Anyone who can vote Republican after these last 7 1/2 years is either in the the top one percent of income earners of a complete dumb fuck.

  25. jesse

    Definitely a good post. This is why I come here.

  26. Dr. Salzhauer

    So Mrs. Jones, I see we will be doing little Susie’s nose in a few years, too. She looks just like you. You can take advantage of my pre-pay option and get the 2008 nose job rate in 2018.

    I’m a generous guy.

  27. Daniel

    I hope there is a whole chapter explaining mommy’s new taters

  28. tyghe

    1- You’re an awful human being for talking about young girls like that. Either you are an inbred north African Muslim who is afraid of women or you have a lame, fucked up sense of humor.

    As for those who promote plastic surgery, god help you. I’d rather be a crazy granny with tits down to my knees than an empty avarice who’s name rhymes with heidi montag. dead serious.

    That said, making fun of fat people still rocks.

  29. nipolian

    “Mommy, why did Dr. Salzhauer give Hillary Clinton a penis?”

  30. Dr. Saulzhauer

    Dear M. Nipolian,

    The penis I gave to Hillary was a transplant after she Bobitted Bill for the Monica Lewinsky dress incident. She wanted to make sure she knew where it was at all times. Plus it went with her two gigantic balls.

  31. O'Hara

    Props to #8. Enough said.

  32. Mike Rackhabbit

    Applause sir. This is some funny ass blogging. thanks for keeping this site tasteless, dirty and vulgar. Just how i like my women.

  33. Dr. Saulzhauer

    Mr. Rackhabbit,

    Please stick to reading and not posting. If you want a second opinion, just ask everyone else.

  34. dude

    AWESOME FISH! funny shit!

  35. Vas Deferens

    When are all of these dumb bitches going to get it?

    BIG FAKE TITS SUCK!

    Give me small, real titties any day of the week.

    Mmmmm….small, hot tits.

  36. They White Urkle

    Why are gas prices so high? Liberals wont let us drill for our own oil. Don’t want to upset the animals.
    Why is food so expensive? Liberals are making us use corn for fuel instead of food.
    Why are we still in Iraq? Liberals wont let us win the war the way we used to: by killing the enemy. Now we have to “understand them”.
    Why was my sister almost killed by a drunk driving illegal immagrant? Because liberals want to give them amnesty.

    I did my time in Iraq so fuck off.

  37. The French Quarter was not touched by Hurricane Katrina and is still beautiful. Bourban Street is a small part of the architecture, history, art and culture of the vieux carre.

    I’m just sayin’…

  38. whine whine whine

    For the first 6 years of Bush’s presidency, the Republicans had the White House and majorities in the Senate, House of Representatives, Supreme Court (in terms of conservative votes on cases), and state houses (governorships) across the entire country. So how, exactly, are they not responsible for the current situation? All liberals did was complain. They’ve been completely ineffective. They got the majority in congress recently and did…what? Stop the war? Restore civil liberties suspended after 9/11? What? They’ve done NOTHING. They plan to do NOTHING because they want things as crappy as hell up to this fall’s election, figuring they’ll expand their majority in congress and take the White House. Then they’ll be forced to do something (but…they won’t).

    But right now, it’s all on the party that had total control for years – a majority plus no threat of vetos. Enjoy what they created.

  39. Gia

    #24

    I agree Ted.

  40. Kennedy

    #24

    I agree Ted.

  41. Johnny Tuesday

    holy hell, really? i read about this on celebrity prayer list and thought they were messin with me! i guess they mean well… right?

  42. MeanOldMan

    Back in my day we actually had lives with real people that weren’t surgically altered for no real reason!!

  43. # 24 I agree Ted.
    But from your comments I actually thought you were more horny last month.
    (….not that it matters really)

  44. I love # 8's post

    You said it so beautifuly # 8. Women in America need to be confident in who they are as a person. Fake boobs, faces and now rear ends are repulsive and phoney. Just be real!
    PS I also feel the same way about men having plastic surgery which is becoming more and more common. Just say NO!

  45. I love # 8's post

    You said it so beautifuly # 8. Women in America need to be confident in who they are as a person. Fake boobs, faces and now rear ends are repulsive and phoney. Just be real!
    PS I also feel the same way about men having plastic surgery which is becoming more and more common. Just say NO!

  46. Average guy

    A few commenters above have suggested (or stated clearly) that a woman with small breasts will not get attention from guys.

    WRONG. As an average guy, let me say that you can look terrific and have small breasts. It’s that overall womanly shape that we love and you don’t get that from having silly balloons bolted onto your chest. And when I have been intimate with a woman with breast implants, it was a distraction and a turn-off.

    We love your bodies and your faces when they are REAL. Please do NOT get breast implants.

    Admittedly, we want you to stay in shape. And be upbeat. Be nice. You will meet a good guy.

  47. Beastman AIDS

    haha i wanna buy YOUR book mr superficial – it sounds fuckin awesome

  48. total_pimp

    #39 can u plz keep the fucking retarded posts to urself? ur supposed to post comments about the ARTICLE!

    UH thanks

    laughin my fuckin ass of at “my drunk as shit daddy” when does it come out?
    is their a book signing?OMG!

  49. Jack

    Do you know “S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m “?On “S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m “,there are many beautiful girls and handsome,rich men,and so many video stars.All of them want to make more friends on that website,but many of them want to find their lover on “S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m “.If you are single now,you must go to that site.

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