It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:
1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.
2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.
3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.
4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.
5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.
6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)
7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)
8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.
Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.
Photos: Getty
I like it and I like it alot!
Xtra Xtra (Ass)
Put some tits on her & she isn’t bad. But this… I don’t know.
Oh! To be just 18 or 19 again… damn it!
‘i like to KIIIIICK.. i like to STREEETCH.. and i like to KIIIIIIICK! I’m 50 years old!’
Looks like she set off his spidey senses so hard that he wet the entire right side of his pants.
Great choice in clothing! You can’t spot the Seacrest sauce stains…
Finally, some tits I enjoy.
Is he trying to use the shiny floor to look up her dress? High five, buddy!
Hey Tony, he’s calling for ya.
Wait, wait… I think I’ve seen this movie.
Gangbang auditions #20
Ha ha! She looks just fucking terrible!
I didn’t realize they started making dresses in “regular” and “extra absorbent”.
The Funky Bunch’s numbers have shrunk considerably over the years.
“My agent was trying to get be to do some gay gig like be the Green Lantern or something but thankfully MTV called and I got this instead…whew!”
I did not realize they made seeing eye Gibsons.
Looks like she just rolled out of Jimi Hendrix’s bedroom.
Well at least now we know she is experienced.
Never was a forehead so happy for Rihanna’s emergence.
Kate Beckinsale: 10 years older, 100x hotter than Jessica Biel.
Comin’ fo dat ASS!!! — Thought bubble over Jodie Foster’s head
She already had it.
Is there a Random Photo Corp of paps?
Why did she ever get that breast reduction surgery? It should be considered a crime against humanity.
She’s so fucking sexy. She should have my babies.
I’d be the meat in the sandwich,
MOAR!
I like that he’s wearing a giant sling shot so that I can propel my muffin right into his face.
It’s just the hair…
Congratulations to Kate. She don’t mess up with her hair and play safe with her dresses. But that’s all.
Jessica is even prettier than Kate, and her body is 10x more attractive than Kate’s.
In a bikini there never was any comparison. And this is no insult to Kate. Jessica’s body is 10 of 10, and her ass is 11 of 10!