The 2012 MTV Movie Awards

June 4th, 2012 // 223 Comments

It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:

1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.

2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.

3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.

4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.

5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.

6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)

7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)

8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.

 

Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Jman
    Commented on this photo:

    I like it and I like it alot!

  2. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Jman
    Commented on this photo:

    Xtra Xtra (Ass)

  3. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Jman
    Commented on this photo:

    Put some tits on her & she isn’t bad. But this… I don’t know.

  4. Emma Watson MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Jman
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh! To be just 18 or 19 again… damn it!

  5. Charlize Theron Michael Fassbender MTV Movie Awards 2012
    downwithmuffins
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘i like to KIIIIICK.. i like to STREEETCH.. and i like to KIIIIIIICK! I’m 50 years old!’

  6. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she set off his spidey senses so hard that he wet the entire right side of his pants.

  7. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    FuManchu
    Commented on this photo:

    Great choice in clothing! You can’t spot the Seacrest sauce stains…

  8. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Jen
    Commented on this photo:

    Finally, some tits I enjoy.

  9. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Is he trying to use the shiny floor to look up her dress? High five, buddy!

  10. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey Tony, he’s calling for ya.

  11. Matthew McConaughey Joe Manganiello Elizabeth Banks Channing Tatum MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait, wait… I think I’ve seen this movie.

  12. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Ha ha! She looks just fucking terrible!

  13. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t realize they started making dresses in “regular” and “extra absorbent”.

  14. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    The Funky Bunch’s numbers have shrunk considerably over the years.

  15. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “My agent was trying to get be to do some gay gig like be the Green Lantern or something but thankfully MTV called and I got this instead…whew!”

  16. Johnny Depp MTV Movie Awards 2012
    tlmck
    Commented on this photo:

    I did not realize they made seeing eye Gibsons.

  17. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    journalschism
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she just rolled out of Jimi Hendrix’s bedroom.

  18. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    journalschism
    Commented on this photo:

    Never was a forehead so happy for Rihanna’s emergence.

  19. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    journalschism
    Commented on this photo:

    Kate Beckinsale: 10 years older, 100x hotter than Jessica Biel.

  20. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    journalschism
    Commented on this photo:

    Comin’ fo dat ASS!!! — Thought bubble over Jodie Foster’s head

  21. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    journalschism
    Commented on this photo:

    Is there a Random Photo Corp of paps?

  22. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Why did she ever get that breast reduction surgery? It should be considered a crime against humanity.

  23. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s so fucking sexy. She should have my babies.

  24. Matthew McConaughey Joe Manganiello Elizabeth Banks Channing Tatum MTV Movie Awards 2012
    drkay
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d be the meat in the sandwich,

  25. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Skeets
    Commented on this photo:

    MOAR!

  26. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    `Helena Handbasket
    Commented on this photo:

    I like that he’s wearing a giant sling shot so that I can propel my muffin right into his face.

  27. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Stranz
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s just the hair…
    Congratulations to Kate. She don’t mess up with her hair and play safe with her dresses. But that’s all.
    Jessica is even prettier than Kate, and her body is 10x more attractive than Kate’s.
    In a bikini there never was any comparison. And this is no insult to Kate. Jessica’s body is 10 of 10, and her ass is 11 of 10!

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